That damned Report

What's Mallard raving about today?

Sodas, Fatty Food

Anyone with a brain or conscience would have pulled this strip, given the fact that it is utterly tone deaf after the shootings in Colorado.

Which explains why Mallard let it run.

That damned Photograph

What's Mallard raving about today?

Chinese Restaurants

But, how do you know they are not serving you dog meat?

Well, it's Sunday and Mallard has missed his last opportunity to mention the 4th of July.

He is now he is officially a traitor; no longer eligible to identify Patriots versus America-Haters, because he is a card-carrying American-Hater who does not remember Independence Day.

Those damned Hobbies

What's Mallard raving about today?

Food

Yeah, wasn't funny yesterday. Adding a whole bunch more words doesn't make the exact same "joke" funnier.

Leave the restaurant, Mallard. Problem solved.

That damned Server

What's Mallard raving about today?

Food

Mallard Fillmore, of his own free will, went into a restaurant serving locally-sourced, organic, hormone free food...and he is offended by what they are serving.

Also, for some reason, Mallard thinks there's something wrong with not wanting foreign-sourced, non-organic, hormone-filled food. Seriously, Mallard, if there's a market for it, what the hell do you care?

Republicans have become the man from Monty Python's Argument Sketch, willfully confusing automatic gainsaying with reasoned argument.

Those damned Beetles

What's Mallard raving about today?

Starbucks, Vegans.

It's days like today that you realize just how bad at his job Mallard Fillmore is. I mean, here we have a perfectly innocuous comic and even a recognizable joke.

But, for God's sake Mallard...a Frappuccino has MILK in it. Do you even understand what a Vegan is? You think that suddenly, with the introduction of beetles, the Frappucino is off the menu for them?

Mallard Fillmore: 100% wrong 100% of the time.

Update: Apparently in this story, the Frappucino is made with soy milk, so, you know, my bad!

That damned Fish

What's Mallard raving about today?

Fish, Cholesterol

Not only is this incomprehensible in general, it's incomprehensible in specific since fish is not high in cholesterol.

Mallard Fillmore: 100% wrong 100% of the time.

That damned Radish

What's Mallard raving about today?

Liberals, Whole Foods

Oh, man. It's going to be a whole week of pithy observations which Mallard thinks are contradictory about Whole Foods shoppers. Wake me next week.

That damned Birkenfoods

What's Mallard raving about today?

Volvos, Bumper Stockers.

Mallard, when you pulled this off the shelf because you just didn't feel like writing something new today, did it not occur to you to replace "Volvo" with "Prius" so it sounds like you wrote it this decade?

For God's sake, do we have to do everything for you?

In that vein...here's a fun challenge for the comments: re-write this using fewer than the approximately 50 words it took Mallard.

That damned Designer Cupcake

What's Mallard raving about today?

Cupcakes

Yes. Mallard missed the "designer cupcake" boom. Wink. Wink.

This is about the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell, right? Because otherwise, Mallard Fillmore is a fucking lunatic.

That damned charge

What's Mallard raving about today?

Restaurants

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Exhibit A in the Mallard Fillmore parade of strange and petty grievances about the world around him.

Those damned Fries

What's Mallard raving about today?

The FDA, Fast Food.

The rate of smoking in the United States has decreased from 42.4% (in 1965) to 20.8% (in 2007).

Mallard Fillmore longs for those halcyon days when almost half the population was giving themselves cancer.

That damned Soup

What's Mallard raving about today?

Cavemen, Soup.

Isn't that cute. Mallard is trying to use a scientific term. Of course, he has no idea what he's talking about, but it's still cute.

That damned Soup

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Soup.

One presumes this was written in response to events in Libya. Mallard will, no doubt, soon follow the trajectory of his Right Wing counterparts and criticize President Obama for taking action against Libya, after criticizing him for not taking action on Libya.

The inconsistency in his position will, of course, be President Obama's fault.

Those damned Cheetos

What's Mallard raving about today?

Michelle Obama, Obesity, President Obama, The Budget, Cheetos

Michelle Obama is not the one who says we are Obese, Mallard. Scientific studies show that more Americans than ever are obese. Michelle Obama is trying to address that epedemic, not accuse you personally of being a fat ass. Now, I know, I know...Science...amiright?

But lying and saying the First Lady is accusing everyone in American of being obese, as if it were some personal affront to you, shows a distinct lack of anything one would call "Accuracy." And yes, I know, I know...Accuracy...amiright?

As for your budget reference: what?

Those damned Snacks

What's Mallard raving about today?

Super Bowl, Snacks

Despite claims that Michele Obama and the Government are going to take away your ability to choose your own food (and should therefore be killed), Mallard somehow is able to ingest 7 pounds of crap.

And he's proud of it.

Plus, you know, duck crotch.

That damned Mastodon

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Holidays.

Wow, so much awfulness, so little time...

1. "The Holidays"? Even with scare quotes, why do you hate Christmas?
2. For God's sake, Mallard, if you hate your Significant Other's cooking, is this really the forum for airing that particular grievance?
3. Just because you are incapable of cooking does not make it a typical malady. It just means you're a complete Lackwit.

That damned Potato

What's Mallard raving about today?

Baked Potatoes, Education Standards.

So says the duck who only graduated to the position of professional cartoonist when newspapers lowered their quality standards because someone with actual talent was perceived as having a particular point of view.

Case in point, this is just a recycled gripe from 2006, except back then it was a turnip.

The damned Menu

What's Mallard raving about today?

Food.

Mallard, when KFC is unveiling a chicken sandwich that is two pieces of fried chicken with bacon, cheese, and "special sauce" between them, it's pretty stupid to be suggesting that anyone is being forced to produce or eat healthy food against their will.

Also, the assumption that well-made food does not taste good would prove you were the stupidest waterfowl on the planet, had you not already done so previously.

That damned size

What's Mallard raving about today?

Burgers.

Mallard finally drops his feeble attempt to link hamburger size and the economy and devolves into simply complaining about hamburgers.

Mallard loves the Free Market, until it limits how much food he can stuff into his beak.

-D

That damned Gastrointestinal Humor

What's Mallard raving about today?

White Castle, The Economy.

Mallard has spent more time thinking about the significance of Mini Burgers than, well, pretty much anything else I can think of.