Those damned Researchers

What's Mallard raving about today?

Ryan Seacrest, Carson Daly

Mallard Fillmore, unable to accept that popular culture has simply passed him by, instead rails against it.

Go ahead, Mallard, curse the Night. Good luck with that.

That damned Calculation

What's Mallard raving about today?

Dancing with the Stars

It will surprise no one that Mallard's protagonist shares with Mallard a complete lack of understanding of Math, seeing as his calculation is wildly incorrect.

That damned Lamp

What's Mallard raving about today?

Reality TV

A week in the mind of Mallard Fillmore:

• Beetles in coffee drinks
• College Professors and (presumably) Obamacare
• 3 days of sympathy for George Zimmerman
• China and North Korea
• Reality TV and Free Market hating

Imagine what it must feel like to be trapped with a mind like that?

Those damned Stars

What's Mallard raving about today?

Dancing with the Stars

Honestly, Mallard...don't you get tired of being wrong all the time?

Those damned Stars

What's Mallard raving about today?

Reality TV Stars, Viewers

Apparently, ordinary Americans deserve a lecture, not a break.

That damned Dream

What's Mallard raving about today?

TV

Mallard Fillmore hates the Free Market. And TV.

And yet, it is his sole source of companionship and "information" (aka Lies). He spends 20+ hours per day with TV.

That damned Debate

What's Mallard raving about today?

Republican Debate, Reality TV

In fairness, Mallard, the people appearing on The Bachelorette are less bat-shit insane than those appearing in the Republican debate.

Which, I suppose, would be a reason to prefer the Republican Primary as your viewing pleasure if it were a reality TV show, except that it's far too mean-spirited towards average Americans and turns off viewers.

On an unrelated note, good luck in 2012!

That damned Show

What's Mallard raving about today?

Reality T.V.

Hey, Mallard, are you talking to the same people who need a break, not a lecture? Because, you know, your ongoing diatribe against Reality TV sounds to me like a self-superior lecture.

Plus, why do you hate the Free Market?

That damned Mind

What's Mallard raving about today?

TV Producers

And yet, it's a certain TV-addicted waterfowl who actually came up with that one.

You know, I begin to see why Republicans like Mallard hate the poor. I mean, if I got paid doing what he does, I'd have a hard time imagining anyone not being able to find a job.

Those damned Fans

What's Mallard raving about today?

Reality TV.

Which of the following is more hypocritical on the part of Mallard Fillmore?

1. Writing something like this when Mallard feels that "average, hardworking Americans need a break instead of a lecture".
2. Arguing against the Free Market when it comes to TV he purportedly doesn't like.
3. Criticizing people for their TV habits when he seems to spend at least 50% of his daily strips plopped in front of the TV.
4. Pretending this is not actually expressing a deep-seated self-loathing regarding his own guilty TV pleasures.

Those damned predictions

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Media, President Obama, Television.

2010 Predictions of my own:

1. Mallard will beat to death his complaints about the Media beating stories to death, as well as a number of other topics.
   
2. Mallard will baselessly suggest that every misfortune which befalls the President is blamed on Racism.
   
3. Mallard will devote 50% of his strips to things he saw Television, and 10% of his strips to complaining about the fact that people watch too much television.
   

Those damned Choices

What's Mallard raving about today?

Stunts & Hoaxes.

While not as rare as the Mallard Fillmore which is actually funny, today we see the slightly less rare Mallard Fillmore with nothing really objectionable about it.

That damned Apocalypse

What's Mallard raving about today?

Reality TV.

Sign of the Apocalypse #1 - Newspapers run crotch shots of a pants-less Mallard Fillmore.

Those damned shows

What's Mallard raving about today?

Television.

People who sit like a lump in front of the TV, too lazy to change the channel, have no right to bitch about a lack of quality programming.

And, for God's sake, they are called "procedurals" not "autopsy shows" you dumbass.

That damned TV

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Media, President Obama

I have no idea, unlike Mallard, who Jon and Kate are.

But I want to remind you that Mallard thinks Michael Jackson fans have no life.

Those damned judges

What's Mallard raving about today?

Judges, Elections.

I don't know what's stranger.

The construction of the sentence in today's Mallard Fillmore. That where Mallard lives people running for judge have enough cash to run TV commercials. Or that Mallard believes it is possible to cram something of substance into a 30-second TV spot.

Given his obsessive relationship with TV, however, I suppose that last possibility is not so strange.

That damned Pop Tart

What's Mallard raving about today?

Pop Tarts, Reality TV.

I am proud to announce I have absolutely no idea what this is supposed to mean.

Those damned things

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Postal Service, Immigrants, College, Reality TV.

In case one, a square surcharge has been around since 1979, because sorting machines are not made for square envelopes. So I would say Mallard is more than "late" with this prediction.

In case two, given Mallard's hatred of and contempt for higher education, why does he care?

In case three, let me introduce you to a few features of your television, Mallard. The first is called a channel-changer. It can be used to change what you are watching; it's how I avoid Fox "News" for example. The second feature is called an off switch. It can be used to shut the TV off entirely. Heresy, I know, but it is another option.

Those damned doctors

What's Mallard raving about today?

TV, Medicine, Celebrities.

Is Mallard advocating for some sort of socialized medicine by noting the fact that average Americans require a game show to even gain access to required medical care?

Those damned people

What's Mallard raving about today?

Harry Potter, Reality TV, Geography.

Mallard Fillmore interrupts your day to bring you this important news flash!

People will learn something that interests them more rapidly than something that doesn't.

In other news, men are attracted to attractive women.

We now return you to your regularly schedule self-flagellation over the fact that you read Mallard Fillmore each day.