Golden Ellipses: Most Interminable Series or Running Theme

And the winner is...

Things that are Racist
The nominees for Most Interminable Series or Running Theme are...

• Photos of Hillary - A bold declaration on 26 February in reaction to angry writers! Mostly notable, however, because by 9 April he was posting caricatures again. Even though it was not temporally lengthy, it felt interminable.
  
• D.C. Gun Ban - Otherwise known as Much Ado About Nothing, since the Supreme Court ruled the Gun Ban was not Constitutional. Along the way, however, it featured some forehead-bashingly stupid commentary.
• Bitterness - Mallard, the single most bitter individual on the planet, was outraged (outraged I tell you!) by comments which, when taken out of context, could be considered offensive to bitter people.
• Mallard visits the President Elect - Creepy & pointless. Elevated to exceptional status by the singular claim that Mallard is part of the marketplace of ideas.
• Things that are Racist - Textually: I fraudulently assert that criticism of Obama is being equated with racism. Sub-textually: Why does everyone keep saying that I am a racist whenever I open my mouth?

Your opportunity to vote is short, so get cracking!

Those damned clippings

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Press clippings.

If Mallard wanted to suggest that Obama "believes his overly positive press clippings", he should have considered, you know...saying it in a way that's understandable to readers of the English language.

As it is, all I can actually gather is that a somewhat dopey-eyed Obama doesn't need the advice because he understands that you should be true to yourself and not allow what people say--positive or negative--to change your own sense of self-belief. Which, I think is actually a pretty fair description of Obama thusfar, hence it can't possibly be what Mallard actually means.

At any rate, Mallard joins Rush Limbaugh in openly hoping that Obama fails, because being ideologically right is more important than America to this group of dead-enders.

To which I must ask...why does Mallard hate America so much?

Those damned ears

What's Mallard raving about today?

Readers, planes, press, ears.

They should have looked it up on the Internet? Because, God knows, it couldn't possibly be false if it is on the Internet.

By the way, Mallard likes to have sex with goats.

Know how I know that? Because it appeared on the Internet. Specifically, on this blog in the last paragraph.

Point #3 would be easier to defend if Mallard had, for example, done more than one caricature of President Bush in the last two years. What do you think of that claim?

Those damned taxes

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Taxes.

The stupid...it burns.

This Straw Man is predicated on attaching some relevance to whether someone pays additional taxes when filing their tax return.

Not paying additional taxes in April is simply not equivalent to "not paying any taxes." Or did you not notice the taxes deducted from your paycheck every week?

This is not something I would expect to have to explain to a living creature more intelligent than a paramecium, since it only requires a passing familiarity with "addition" and "subtraction."

Since Mallard mostly occupies himself with the daily struggle to keep himself spittle-free, I guess it might be a hard concept for him to grasp. As such, I would be better of trying to explain it to the paramecium.

As someone once said...it's like they take pride in being ignorant.

Those damned superlatives

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Media, Barack Obama.

A 2009 Golden Ellipse bonanza!

An early 2009 contender for Worst Metaphor since dependence on foreign adjectives is as stupid a concept as I have ever heard.

Also an early contender for Highest Text-to-Image ratio, since the images of Mallard were not even strictly necessary.

Finally, a Straw Man which asserts that the media are out of step with America in terms of optimism about President Obama (man does it feel good to finally write that down!) when in fact Americans of all stripes are hopeful.

But, when you refuse to allow any dissenting opinions or data into your world view, you pretty well insure that you will become Mallard Fillmore.

And at the end of the day, no different than yesterday.

That damned Press

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, The Press.

Depending on who you believe, Barack Obama takes office with a favorable/unfavorable of 71-16 or so, with his favorability rating growing sharply during the transition.

So, Mallard, it is not just "The Press" who need to join your made-up little self-help group.

At any rate, to avoid congestion at meetings, I suggest we target self-help toward the 16% instead.

Because if there is not already a self-help group for hate-driven cranks, people who want to deprive everyone of optimism in order to make everyone's existence as wretched as their own, there ought to be.

Golden Ellipses: Least Accurate Caricature

And the winner is...

Hillary Clinton

The nominees for Least Accurate Caricature are:

• Abraham Lincoln - The face may be Lincoln, but the ears are Dumbo and the lips are Bill Murray from Caddyshack..."So I got that going for me, which is nice."
• Ted Kennedy - One thing you notice when looking at the actual Ted Kennedy is that he has plenty of characteristcs which can be caricatured without resorting to giving him buck teeth which recall Propoganda pictures of Tojo and which would require gnawing on bark to keep under control.
• Elliot Spitzer - Penis chin. 'Nuff said.
• Hillary Clinton - A fact which is only discernable through the text. Also an indication that Mallard believes that caricature consists of elongating chins and adding buck teeth.
• Barack Obama - Comparison to a January caricature offers proof that the size of the chin is proportional to how much Mallard hates someone.

Vote, using the penis-chin on the right.

That damned Diligence

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Bush.

1. Post-hoc, ergo propter hoc.

2. By this logic, therefore, the President's lack of vigilance is responsible for 9-11.

That damned bailout

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Bailout.

Hmmmm, now it is just a straight Bailout, without the scare quotes. Not sure what to make of that.

Anyway, we have a contender for the Worst Metaphor of 2009.

Unless this is not a metaphor and the secret bailout plan is to for Congress to gamble on sporting events and then fix the outcome!

Because that would be the most awesome solution to this problem I have ever heard.

That damned Standard

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hollywood Execs, Decency Standards.

The Hollywood Exec is a responsible parent. He's capable of determining what his children will and won't be allowed to watch and, by all indications, capable of enforcing that. He's also a Free Market Capitalist, producing what people will consume.

Quite distinct from Mallard.

Mallard wants a Nanny-State to interfere with the Free Market. Big Government must make decisions regarding what is acceptable. He is incapable of keeping his children (or should I say chicks) away from indecent entertainment. And, as we have learned, there is nothing on TV that he won't watch. With his pants off.

And that, Ladies and Gentleman, is the Modern Conservative in a nutshell.

Golden Ellipses: Least Helpful Asterisk

And the winner is...

Barack Obama
The nominees for Least Helpful Asterisk are:

• Global Warming, ascribed to "US Senate Report"
• Global Cooling, just ask John McCain, John McLaughlin, John McMuffin? I give up.
  
• School Vouchers Work, otherwise why would The Washington Times say they did?
• Barack Obama said this. In case the caricature and speech balloon were not enough for Mallard's readers, there's an asterisk which directs you to his name.

Vote*

* See the Internet

That damned Congress

What's Mallard raving about today?

Congress, The Bailout.

Again with the "bailout" in quotes. I really wish Mallard would explain why he thinks this is only a figurative bailout.

Although I suppose if I were a brainwashed ditto-head, I'd already know.

Anyway, if only 134 members of Congress drop dead laughing, there should still be a quorum, right? And the least sympathetic members died of laughter, so all in all, this sounds like a good Opportunity for Small Business to get what they want.

That damned Big Foot

What's Mallard raving about today?

Racism, Big Foot.

Mallard is obsessed with precisely what terms he can use without being decried as a racist. I wonder why this precise topic is of such concern to him?

That damned Unity

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hillary Clinton, Democrats.

Hillary Clinton concern trolling was sooooooo effective in the General election, please keep at it.

Marketplace of ideas, indeed.

Golden Ellipses: Worst Metaphor

And the winner is...

Giant Burmese Pythons

The nominees for Worst Metaphor are:

• The Race Card - Tossing racially charged rhetoric around is just like playing cards!
• Giant Burmese Pythons - Mexicans, Cubans, and other Latin Americans are Giant Snakes.
• Marketing Barack - Barack Obama is a breakfast cereal offering Hope 'N Change. John McCain, by contrast, offers voters Fruit 'n Fiber.
• Photoshop Missle Defense - Comparing SDI to Photoshop fakery seems like a fairly accurate assessment. Which is why I am sure I must have misunderstod Mallard's intent.
  
• Chinese Makeover - China's human rights and environmental record is funny...when you compare it to an old lady getting her hair done.

Vote early, vote often!