That damned ABC

What's Mallard raving about today?

What else? ABC, Democrats, The Path to 9-11.

For God's sake, the miniseries itself lasted less time than Mallard's incessant whining about it.

Those damned dead horses

What's Mallard raving about today?

ABC, Powerful Democrats, Bill Clinton, The Path to 9-11.

At least there's only two more days left in this week and hopefully Mallard will move on to a new topic soon. A little too late, unfortunately, since he's beaten this dead horse so thoroughly that he was forced into over-writing today's screed such that the last panel makes no sense at all.

Those damned Golden Weenies

What's Mallard raving about today?

Do you really need to ask? ABC, Democrats, The Path to 9-11.

The power of the Democrats compels you! I think someone should tell Mallard that there are 4 broadcast networks, so the fact that his Golden Weenie award doesn't appear on 3 of them can only be attributed to the fact that it is the ranting of a lunatic duck.

Those damned power-drunk Democrats

What's Mallard raving about today?

Democrats, ABC, The Path to 9-11.

Seriously, has anyone more vastly overestimated the power of the Democrats than Mallard is currently doing? It should also be pointed out that doing the evening news in a tutu couldn't actually damage what little is left of Charles Gibson's journalistic integrity.

Those damned Democrats

What's Mallard raving about today?

ABC, Democrats, the Clinton administration.

There are powerful Democrats?

Those damned gas prices

What's Mallard raving about today?

Opponents of the Iraq War.

Ahh, the strawman argument! Nothing like defining the opposition's position on an issue to make them easier to defeat in a debate. Besides, you can also make them scrunch up their eyes so they look shrill while you look implaccable and reasonable...well as implaccable and reasonable as is possible with a duck's bill, anyway.

Those damned invaders

What's Mallard raving about today?

AOL Zogby poll results, our education system, our lazy rear-ends.

I would not have guessed that Mallard is such an America-hater that he's actively promoting the invasion and overthrow of our country. But, here you have it...

Those damned holidays

What's Mallard raving about today?

Christmas decorations in September.

None of us is above a bit of carping about the early appearance of Christmas decorations which happens sooner every single year. The topic is mildly boring when discussed amongst friends and family. It's simply stultifying when appearing in a nationally syndicated cartoon. What's up next...complaining about alcoholic relatives?

Those damned fat kids

What's Mallard raving about today?

Childhood obesity, substandard geography knowledge, possibly Colorado and Mississippi.

Wow. Mallard must be off his medications recently. I have no idea what connection I am supposed to draw between the fact that Colorado and Mississippi have the lowest/highest obesity rates and are the least recognizeable states, geographically-speaking. Are these two fact supposed to be related in some nefarious way? If so, the connection is beyond me.

Those damned Hollywood types

What's Mallard raving about today?

Tom Cruise ( I think), Hollywood (in general), possibly Paramount.

Boy, those Hollywood types, are they ever bizarre? All of them. Yep, the whole lot. And their views? Equally bizarre. Yep, every one of them has bizarre views. I just wanted to make sure we're all clear on that fact. Now, please move along.

That damned Kofi Annan

What's Mallard raving about today?

Kofi Annan, plugged toilets.

I never realized how much Kofi Annan, apparently, looks like Robert Guillaume. I mention this in lieu of discussing the actual content of today's panel because there is nothing quite so tiresomely repetetive as right-wing carping about the United Nations. Now, if you want to get into plugged toilets, on the other hand, man does that get me steamed!

That damned United Nations

What's Mallard raving about today?

The United Nations.

Do you suppose the fellow being caricatured in the yellow shirt and vest is supposed to be Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? The Mr. Rogers ensemble has a disarming effect on the man that no number of U.N. sanctions could possibly hope to equal. "Would you like to visit the nuclear weapons program in the neighborhood?"

That damned gleeful media

What's Mallard raving about today?

Gleeful media.

Of all the Mallard Fillmore standard formats, "Remember when this happened? Neither do I." is probably the most tiresome by dint of it's schoolyard-argument quality. I know you are, Mallard, but what am I?

That damned agriculture department

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Department of Agriculture, farm subsidies, cow-raising doctors, wheat-raising lawyers, sheep-raising stockbrokers.

Isn't this program decades old? And Mallard is just now complaining about it? And, not to be picky, but you raise cows and sheep, but you grow wheat. Important lesson, Mallard, if you are going to set up a parallel structure, try to make it parallel.

Thanks for the mention to Matt over at The Silent Penultimate Panel Watch, a favorite comics blog of mine and probably the single most specific comics blog around. If you're not familiar with it, it's required daily reading.

That damned BCS rating system

What's Mallard raving about today?

The BCS rating system, Samoan linemen.

Considering that the BCS' first poll comes out somewhere around mid-October, this outrage is a bit premature.

Those damed coots

What's Mallard raving about today?

The hell if I know.

These old coaches must be Democrats, right? Because if they aren't then Mallard is mocking the senile and that's just cruel.

Those damned Democrats

What's Mallard raving about today?

Federal employees, Congressional Democrats, Martini-drinking pigs.

Um, isn't the traditional symbol of the Democratic party a donkey? The martini-swilling pig is the traditional symbol of Rush Limbaugh, if I am not mistaken.

Those damned federal employees

What's Mallard raving about today?

Federal employees and their work ethic, pinching oneself.

So far Mallard has blamed the media for not reporting this and Federal employees for being shiftless. He's not yet blamed Republicans for the fact that Federal wages have risen 38 percent compared with 14 percent in the private sector over just the last 5 years of Republican-control.

That damned media

What's Mallard raving about today?

Federal employees, the media, tirades about income inequality.

Why does Mallard change from black to green every other panel? And what exactly do his gigantic webbed feet, which are intermingled in the last two panels, add to our the federal/private income debate?

Those damned strawmen

What's Mallard raving about today?

Straw Men.

Nice to commemorate 9-11 with a sophomoric, intellectually-bankrupt, rhetorically-empty strawman argument to further a partisan agenda, and cheapening the memory of those lost in the process.

Those damned assholes

Comic is here.

I'm hoping Mallard's use of the phrase pre-911 world is not meant to echo the loaded/coded phrase "pre-911 mindset" as used often by Vice President Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld. But within this particular subject matter, I'm giving him a pass.

Those damn Hollywood celebrities

What's Mallard raving about today?

Pluto, the International Astronomical Union (I.A.U), Congressional funding.

Whew, after about 5 days in the cold, we're finally back onto familiar ground.

That damned Dr. Phil

What's Mallard raving about today?

Pluto, Dr. Phil.

After a week of Mel Gibson spittle, this week has been pretty tame as far as bile-spewing is concerned.

But I suddenly realized that these panels were, of course, written weeks before Katie Couric's debut and the final decision on Pluto, so their appearance in papers and on the Internet would coincide with the actual events. Hence they were written in a generic fashion with no specific reference to actual events. It explains why Mallard doesn't know that Pluto was downgraded to "dwarf planet" status (not "second-class planet" or "pluton" status).

It's just a shame that Katie didn't go ballistic and get into a shouting match with Rush Limbaugh during his anti-everyone-who-doesn't-agree-with-me "Free Speech" segment, which would have made those panels seem eerily off-topic.

Those damned astronomical unions

What's Mallard raving about today?

The International Astronomical Union, Mickey Mouse.

From what I can tell, the next cartoonist to find a decent joke in the Pluto-is-not-a-planet story will be the first one. Though in Mallard's case, I'm guessing he's upset because it was a union that made the change.

That damned smile

What's Mallard raving about today?

Katie Couric (I can only assume; that caricature could be anyone), unnaturally huge smiles.

Dear God, I think we're in for a whole week of Katie Couric strips.

That damned desk

What's Mallard raving about today?

Katie Couric, desks which obscure views of lithe, tan, muscular calves.

The duck doth protest too much, methinks. Especially since Mallard has obviously engaged in way more thought about Katie Couric's legs than is healthy.

That damned Katie Couric

What's Mallard raving about today?

Katie Couric and the CBS Evening News.

What do you know, common ground!

Those damned lawyers

What's Mallard raving about today?

Trial lawyers, Hezbollah, Mako Sharks, Gingivitis

Sweet lord, this is the worst example of parallel structure I've ever seen. The only one of the three comparisons that represents an apples-to-apples comparison is the one involving the Mako Shark. The rest are just weird and wrong. The Hezbollah comparison is especially mystifying since it includes the image of some guy in a polka-dot bow tie (not the image which comes to mind when I think of Hezbollah) and an unprovoked attack on The Rotary Club.

Those damned liberals

What's Mallard raving about today?

Liberals, the U.N., Mel Gibson-haters, nouns.

If you asked me a week ago whether anything would make me want to see more back-to-school tips, I would have said no. But a week of unrelenting Mel Gibson strips has managed to make me hope for a return to the back-to-school tips.

Those damned special reports

What's Mallard raving about today?

The mainstream media, Mel Gibson haters, anti-Christian slurs, in-depth special reports.

Sorry to have to tell you this, Mallard, but one month later and you're the only one talking about this issue anymore. Let's hope this panel is the last about poor Mel. It certainly should be since it introduces nothing which hasn't already been said in other Mel Gibson strips in this series.