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Friday, August 31, 2007

Those damned Vikings

What's Mallard raving about today?

Vikings, the NEA.

Dead Horse. Beat beat beat.

That said, I'm a big fan of the two midget Vikings in front of the horde, of whom only the horned hats are visible.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

That damned imagination

What's Mallard writing about today?

Imaginary letter writers, imaginary NEA letter writing campaigns, teachers.

Just when I though Mallard had found a high water mark for being pathetic and self-aggrandizing at the same time, he manages to top himself with an imaginary NEA letter writing campaign.

This letter writing campaign will be as massive as the groundswell for Walter Williams candidacy, no doubt. Speaking of which, anyone know what Mr. Williams is polling at these days?

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

That damned A.C.

What's Mallard raving about today?

Schools, air conditioning, going green.

Rush is back, but that's about all that makes sense.

Our schools standards are too low, however the school year starts too early?

But see the early start is only bad because it uses air conditioning, and that's not environmentally sound.

Only, Mallard doesn't buy into this "going green" bunk.

At which point nothing makes sense...until you remind yourself that Mallard views school as a liberal indoctrination plot. So the whole thing is highly ironic, see?

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Those damned denominators

What's Mallard raving about today?


I'm not sure I'd bring up the topic of lowest common denominator work, my glass-house-dwelling waterfowl friend.

Monday, August 27, 2007

That damned Obama

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, Liberals.

In that case, to what do you attribute our Ivy-league educated President's slang, bad grammar, and (I might add) horrifying pronunciation?

By this logic, either he's being patronizing by attempting to appear like a "regular Joe" or he actually is as stupid as he sounds. Go ahead and take your pick.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Those damned toys

What's Mallard raving about today?


What I love about panels like this one, where Mallard complains about something that is not in the news, is that it reveals the fact that Mallard believes everyone shares his particular brand of dementia so far as to understand the petty annoyances of his everyday life.

It's what I imagine would happen if Mallard and Al Scaduto of They'll Do It Every Time fame switched jobs for a day. Oh yeah!

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Those damned Oner-Role Students

What's Mallard raving about today?


Mallard has the demented temerity to continue to cast aspersions on the education system. I suppose his recent spate of comics is indictment enough of whatever system spit him out.

I'll try to use small words and talk slowly, Mallard.

The people who would produce the bumper stickers would be the teachers and school administrators, most of whom are members of your generation and went through the same school systems you did.

And they are not as illiterate as whatever duck seems to think Honor Roll is a hyphenate, spelled correctly or not.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Those damned Outraged Readers

What's Mallard raving about today?

Imaginary Outraged Readers.

The idea of inventing imaginary readers who are outraged is, at the same time, the most pathetic and the most self-aggrandizing thing I can imagine.

Slightly less pathetic than repeating the joke and then explaining it.

Most pathetic of all, however is that Mallard considers it a safety feature of his panel that the illiterate will not be incited to violence against teachers because they can't read. Which means he fails to understand that what is outrageous and offensive is not the lamely satirical incitement to violence, but the very real mean-spiritedness towards a group of people who deserve nothing but respect.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Those damned spankings

What's Mallard raving about today?

Education, Teachers, Corporal Punishment.

First, if I can't read that it's probably because some idiot chose yellow on black as the color scheme.

Second, how in the name of a duck's demented mind, would teachers spanking students possibly improve children's ability to read?

Mallard, meet the deep end. Now say good bye as you go off it.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Those damned Liberals

What's Mallard raving about today?

Liberals, Education, Hunting and Gathering.

You have to respect Mallard's "The Early Years" work.

It's the ultimate in Straw Man efficiency while maintaining his standards for intellectual laziness.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

That damned Sex Education

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teachers, Sex Education.

The reason they can't teach Science is because Republican school boards won't allow it.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Those damned teachers

What's Mallard raving about today?


Way to fight the power Mallard. Taking on fat cat, overpaid, pampered teachers! People who contribute nothing to society and just leach off the hard work of others.

Yep, these people are deserving of our utter contempt and scorn.

I assume nurses are next. Then firefighters. And the police. Eventually, no doubt, Mallard will get around to calling out our soldiers who think the Nanny State should be responsible for their medical care and education.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Those damned Alarmists

What's Mallard raving about today?

Nanny State Alarmists, China.

Our air is made in China? We are dependent on China for the very air we breathe?

Man, no wonder Mallard is so scared of them.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

That damned __________

What's Mallard raving about today?

Your favorite professional athlete.

Excellent! Audience participation joke time!

Say it ain't so Roger Federer.
Say it ain't so Tiger Woods.
Say it ain't so Peyton Manning.
Say it ain't so Thierry Henry.
Say it ain't so Joe Thornton.

Wait a second...I don't get the joke.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Those damned girls

What's Mallard raving about today?

School, Girls.

And, suddenly, we have a psychological frame of reference for understanding Mallard's intense hatred of Hillary educated girl.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

That damned Rush

What's Mallard raving about today?


OK, first things first, since you all probably had the same question I did...who the hell is Rush?
Dave's little boy. Lives to play basketball. Wants to forgo his 4th-grade eligibility and go straight to the pros. His teacher, Ms. Carp (pronounced Mizzzzzz Carp), is also president of the local NEA chapter. She started disliking Rush immediately upon finding out he was named after the talk-show host, not the band. Other kids want to know where babies come from; Rush wants to know why there are no Asian-Americans in the NBA.
After getting that out of the way, I have to say I'm shocked to be reminded this comic has been taking up space in newspapers for over 12 years.

Though I suppose it's worth asking Mallard the following: Are you even trying to be funny anymore, or have you given up completely?

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

That damned mud

What's Mallard raving about today?

Campaign season, mud-slinging.

Good God! Mallard's "hair" has gone white and his chair has turned into an amorphous blob. How long before we see a Mallard panel decrying the shoddy workmanship of Chinese colorists?

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Those damned leaders

What's Mallard raving about today?

Power-hungry megalomaniacs, Barack Obama.

Petulant refusal to engage in diplomacy is not a sign of strength, although I will admit it's what passes for foreign policy among the tiny-brained.

But the larger question: Where the hell is Mallard? Is he afraid to confront Senator Obama himself?

Monday, August 13, 2007

That damned cleavage

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hillary Clinton, Cleavage, The Press.

Uh, just used "Hillary" and "Cleavage" in the same sentence. I guess that makes you part of the problem, now doesn't it?

Sunday, August 12, 2007

That damned Chantel

What's Mallard raving about today?


Oh. My. God.

This sad glimpse into Mallard's non-political mindset is so much more frightening that any of his political screeds.

If it were anyone else, I might feel sympathy or suggest psychotherapy. Given that it's a duck who exults in the foibles of others for a living--foibles which often exist only in his own head--I shouldn't be surprised that I feel nothing.

At a minimum, however, we now have a basis for ignoring anything and everything which Mallard has to say about Science given the demonstrated twin idiocy of not understanding what thermodynamics is or that there are not, in fact, 11 other laws. Expect this to come up next time Mallard wants to talk about Global Warming.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

That damned doctrine

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Fairness Doctrine.

"Apparently" they are thinking about making a sequel...only, not in any reality-based sense.
The House voted overwhelmingly Thursday to prohibit the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) from using taxpayer dollars to impose the Fairness Doctrine on broadcasters who feature conservative radio hosts such as Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity.

By a vote of 309-115, lawmakers amended the Financial Services and General Government appropriations bill to bar the FCC from requiring broadcasters to balance conservative content with liberal programming such as Air America.
Ever since Don Imus was booted from the airwaves, Right Wing gasbags are preemptively painting themselves as saintly victims whose days are numbered by First Amendment-hating zealots.

Not surprisingly, Mallard swallows this hook, line, and sinker. And repeats the claim without basis. And then compounds it all by attempting a tenuous analogy between legislation and a movie sequel.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Those damned bulbs

What's Mallard raving about today?

Going Green, "compact fluorescent" bulbs.

First, without the knowledge that Mallard doesn't believe in compact fluorescent bulbs, this panel could be mistaken for environmental advocacy.

Second, putting "compact fluorescent" in quotes implies that Mallard believes the bulbs are over-sized and not fluorescent.

Third, a light bulb does not "play" an idea. It represents having an idea.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

That damned China-Free Section

What's Mallard raving about today?


One sign would have done the trick, there, Mallard. Three signs doesn't make the point any stronger; it just makes you look like a crank.

Oh, wait a second...

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Those damned Chinese

What's Mallard raving about today?

Michael Vick, China.

Fair enough.

I won't give up hoping for more outrage regarding Darfur or the fact that the United States is putting people in secret prisons and torturing them.

Monday, August 06, 2007

That damned Michael Vick

What's Mallard raving about today?

Michael Vick, Animal Cruelty.

Michael Vick's animal cruelty is commented on by a sly-eyed little puppy piddling on newspaper.

Thus, Mallard illustrates that years of over-blowing straw man arguments has left him without the ability to comment on a real issue.

Those damed Refs

What's Mallard raving about today?

The NBA, Referees.

I find it interesting that Mallard's point of entry into this particular story is the perspective of an angry, yelling fan.

Make of that what you will.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Those damned pigs

What's Mallard raving about today?

Eminent domain, local governments.

Just when Mallard has you on his side for a particular issue, he goes and ruins everything.

Personally, I'd rather read luxury condo ads in my local newspaper.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

That damned Google

What's Mallard raving about today?

Gray Whales, Ice, Google, Global Warming.

Given that the whale apparently believes "Thicker Ice" is "just the opposite of Global Warming," (as opposed to Global Cooling for example), I have to contend that they are not smarter than humans. But, then again, I was not among the "hundreds" unable to find the rather specious article in question.

I will admit I am impressed that whales know how to use Google, however.

Friday, August 03, 2007

That damned Reverend Jackson

What's Mallard raving about today?

Reverend Jesse Jackson, Racism.

So, in conclusion, Mallard does not like Jesse Jackson and must put straw arguments into his mouth to justify it.

Sadly, however, this panel is probably not the conclusion of this thread.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

That damned racist

What's Mallard raving about today?

Reverend Jesse Jackson, Racism, Barry Bonds.

I can't be bothered to parse this lunacy, but apparently some pent-up anger regarding Reverend Jackson has erupted in one, long-winded, barely-understandable, catch-all rant.

I hope Mallard feels better now that he's got that off his chest. Otherwise he may continue this rant again tomorrow.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Those damned Liberals

What's Mallard raving about today?

Liberals, profiling.

Hear, hear.

But why be all namby-pamby about it, Mallard? I'm pretty sure all those World War II Internment camps are empty nowadays.