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Tuesday, September 30, 2008

That damned livlihood

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Racism.

The cynicism of this calculus is astonishing: Some white people will vote for Obama; ergo racism no longer exists in America.

Mind you, coming from Mallard (whose stock in trade is arguing against "some people who say that we should [insert credibility-defying statement here]") it's not all that surprising.

And while I will admit to being proud that my generation may be the first to put a non-white man in the White House, the idea that racism no longer exists?

That may be a tad optimistic.

Monday, September 29, 2008

That damned problem

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, Jesse Jackson, Racism.

Today could have been the bravest Mallard Fillmore ever, until Mallard decided to point the finger of accusation at someone other than himself.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

That damned dinosaur

What's Mallard raving about today?

Dinosaurs, Europe.

Honestly, this almost defies commentary.

Simply juxtaposing a topic which bothers you with Dinosaur extinction is not a formula for, well, anything except extinction (real or metaphoric).

Obama's Europe visit was history by the time this was written (let alone published) and the visit was in no way detrimental to Obama, except among a segment of the population that was/is/will be predisposed against him. So the trip could hardly cause a real or metaphoric extinction.

At a minimum, Mallard, is it too much to ask that you make a modicum of sense?

Saturday, September 27, 2008

That damned repetition

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hair Plugs, racism, Joe Biden, Barack Obama.

I'd feel bad about repeating myself, If Mallard didn't force me into it.

Mallard, I defy you to point me to an instance where Senator Obama declared a topic off limits.

Oh, and goddamnit Mallard, if you say "hair plug' jokes are offensive" rather than "racist" this would have worked a lot better. Do I really have to write your stuff and my own?

Friday, September 26, 2008

That damned investigation

What's Mallard raving about today?

John Edwards, Sarah Palin, The Media.

Perhaps because Sarah Palin could end up a 72-year old heartbeat away from the Presidency, and the things under investigation directly relate to her ability to step into the job of President, as opposed to a purely private matter.

But if you really want The Media to talk about extramarital affairs, perhaps they can discuss how Senator McCain's first marriage ended.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

That damned world

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, People, the World.

I suppose Mallard may have intended this to suggest that Obama holds a lead among people with a cheery disposition, although that would be completely idiotic since the people voting for Obama are the ones who think the situation is so messed up that we need change.

It's also possible Mallard intended to suggest that Obama holds a lead among people who understand that the world is, metaphorically, shrinking and that America's need for partnerships, friends, and allies is growing. This again would be completely idiotic, since people who understand that could best be characterized as "people with an IQ which is above room temperature."

Neither option seems likely, until you remind yourself that something being completely idiotic does not necessarily disqualify it as being what Mallard intended.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Meta-Post: Mallard Comment Codes

Based on a list started by NLC, with input from nonanonnotcow and gold-digging nanny, here is the list of Mallard Fillmore comment codes, for easy future reference:
1 - Has completely misquoted his "source".
2 - Has completely fabricated his fact/quote.
3 - Has utterly misunderstood the technical issue/science issue that he sites.
4 - Has clearly misrepresented the technical issue/science issue on purpose.
5 - Has used the same gag three days running.
6 - Has used the same gag four days running.
7 - Has used the same gag five days running.
8 - Has used the same gag six days running.
9 - Has used the same gag for a whole week or more.
10 - A character has his/her "speech balloon" coming out of an inappropriate part of his body.
11 - A character is drawn with one or more penis-shaped body part(s).
12 - Unrecognizable caricature.
13 - The bad liberal/union representative/feminist/etc is drawn as utterly physically repulsive.
14 - Simply retelling of a "blonde" joke using a different stereotype.
15 - Simple retread of "Joke #117 from the old-gags book".
16 - Self-aggrandizing (e.g. references to "all the letters he got", or the "his grass roots campaign" for some unknown politician).
17 - Unreferenced repetition of an obvious urban legend.
18 - Unreadable "foot note".
19 - Out-of-context misrepresentation of material in footnote.
20 - Depiction of opponent as defending or supporting some unspeakable monster (e.g. Pol Pot or Stalin).
21 - Straw Man - Use of quotation with implication that anyone actually holds some stupid or reprehensible point of view.
22 - Absolutely no idea what his point is.
23 - Mercifully, no politics in today's strip --but even less funny than usual.
24 - Lazy and only used one panel on a weekday.
25 - Lazy and only used one panel on a Sunday.
26 - Overuse of four-dot ellipses.
27 - Too many words.
28 - Has cited an obviously biased news source as his only support.
29 - Has cited an entire publication/site as his source (e.g., USA Today or Google).
30 - Demonstrates Extreme Brazenness or Hypocrisy regarding Republicans (IOKIYAR).
31 - Uncritical Regurgitation of Republican Talking Points.
32 - Creepy Unintentional Self-Revelation.
33 - Includes a Seriously Disturbing Image.

Despite the obvious advantage of some re-organization, I maintained the order of the original list and additions, to maintain backward-compatibility with past comments.

Feel free to suggest additions to the list!

That damned Palin

What's Mallard raving about today?

Sarah Palin, N.O.W., Hillary Clinton

Finally! Mallard gets to Sarah Palin. He starts off with a softball.

Those diesel dyke feminists at N.O.W. are such hypocrites! They supported Hillary Clinton, who represents pretty much everything they stand for, but they don't support Sarah Palin, who represents the opposite of pretty much everything they stand for.

Don't they realize Sarah Palin has boobs? And a vagina?

As if this were not enough glee-inducing stupidity, Mallard once again conveniently forgets that our current President rose to political prominence due to his own familial connection.

Monday, September 22, 2008

That damned crazy world leader

What's Mallard raving about today?

Kim Jong Il, Barack Obama.

Right Wing Dead Enders, like Mallard, have never adjusted to the post-post-911 reality, in which everyone but that has finally realized that the United States is dreadfully on the wrong track.

They still labor under the belief that 80% of the country agree with their handling of foreign policy, when in fact, the numbers have completely reversed themselves.

Any attempt to point facts out to Mallard would, of course, be met by an initial reaction of: "he's scary; you can't talk to scary people." Quickly followed by: "But, Hiiiiiiiitler!"

Sunday, September 21, 2008

That damned chic

What's Mallard raving about today?

Green Chic, Hybrid Vehicles.

The point would be to use environmentally-friendly products without sacrificing style or, as it is sometimes called, "chic".

You'd think a person who spends every day of their life complaining would be better at it.

But it's like Mallard is trying to make the point that Reactionary Idiots don't need the criticism to make sense. They are predisposed to react to certain words without thinking.

And this is something of which, I feel certain, Mallard is proud.

The burns.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

That damned Straw Liberal

What's Mallard raving about today?

Voters, Advertising, Liberals.

Would you care to name "all of those liberals," Mallard? Or does it make it too hard to win your arguments if you can't make both sides of the argument?

It's also worth noting that Mallard views someone being convinced to vote as a bad thing.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

That damned Voter

What's Mallard raving about today?


Mallard hates Democracy, primarily because people have differences of opinion with him.

Everyone clear?

And, for what it is worth, except for their species, I fail to see how someone wasting away in front of a TV with an unidentified box of snacks is any different than Mallard.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

That damned Vote

What's Mallard raving about today?

Rock the Vote

I suspect the name derives from the fact that it involves "Rock Stars" and because it is intended to "rock the boat" by engaging young people in the democratic process.

Of course, that ignores the obvious fact that voting should only be entrusted to fear-mongering, dishonest, intellectually lazy, bitter, old crackpots whose best days (if they ever had them) are long behind them. For whom, John McCain is the Alpha Male and perfect standard-bearer.

It'd be a shame for anyone with hope for the future (and a future) to participate in something as messy as Democracy because God knows what kind of crazy choices they might make. Just look at this presumptuous Obama fellow.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Those damned Double Standards

What's Mallard raving about today?

Sheryl Crow, Voting.

Right Wing Calculus:
  • Totally acceptable: Lies, Wedge Issues and Phony Terror alerts to frighten people into voting Republican.
  • Totally unacceptable: providing people with an incentive to register to vote however they see fit.
Today's Bonus Content: A Mallard Fillmore quiz!

Which of the following things did The Founders not see coming:
  1. A Black Man running for president.
  2. Women gaining the right to vote.
  3. Television.
  4. The deterioration of American decency to the point where crotch shots of ducks are an acceptable image on the comics page.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Those damned lies

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, Joe Biden.

Typical Mallard. Horse crap setup. Botched follow through.

Horse crap setup: Joe Biden committed plagiarism.

Botched follow through: Inaugural address? What about his Acceptance Speech? Do I have to write this stuff for you, Mallard?

Sunday, September 14, 2008

That damned Race Card

What's Mallard raving about today?

Playing the Race Card

While a welcome respite from his ongoing anti-teacher rant, today's Mallard Fillmore is not a respite from his making no sense at all.

I'm seeing the need to add a new Golden Ellipse category this year: Worst Metaphor.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

That damned busy work

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teachers, Busy Work.

I suppose we can sympathize with Mallard here.

After all, his concept of "work" is to stop watching Fox News, write down the last thing Bill O'Reilly said, paste some previously-used drawings of himself next to the text, and mail it off to be published.

Total elapsed time: 3 minutes.

Friday, September 12, 2008

That damned pedagogy

What's Mallard raving about today?

Numbers, Teachers.

Mallard has apparently convinced himself that he was taught in the pedagogical equivalent of a Dickensian Workhouse.

Publishers are actually giving newspaper space to one person's bitter personal rantings. That space couldn't be put to a better purpose? Like an ad? Or a black box?

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Those damned Numbers

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teachers, Numbers, Communism.

At this point, we've crossed the line into Right-Wing Dadaism.

Mallard is offended by being asked to do something correctly twice, as if doing it correctly once proves that you've mastered it and can henceforth forget it entirely.

Mallard assertion that his teachers made him do something until "everyone else can do it" is clearly fabricated nonsense...and a pretty pathetic fabrication at that.

What repetition has to do with Communism, I have no idea, although I suspect it is the final meta-absurdity since the panel makes the same amount of sense no matter what Right Wing bête noire you substitute in for Communism.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

That damned Relativism

What's Mallard raving about today?


Mallard remembers his teachers thoughts?

The image of a telepathic Mallard is unsettling as hell. Sociopathic or psychopathic, sure.

But the idea that Mallard is reading my mind right now...I have to go put on my tin foil hat.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

That damned desk

What's Mallard raving about today?

Grading curves, teachers, unions.

Not only that, but Mallard's school bussed white kids into the inner duck pond schools.

Monday, September 08, 2008

That damned Latin

What's Mallard raving about today?

Grading Curves.

I apologize profusely, for yesterday's post. Mallard's failure to achieve the grades he felt he deserved was not exclusively the fault of his teachers. The grading curve was also at fault.

I will further amend this tomorrow, when Mallard adds something else to the Great List of Blame.

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Those damned grades

What's Mallard raving about today?


For anyone who has been wondering why exactly Mallard hates teachers so much, he kindly answers that question today: his teachers requested critical thinking and gave him bad grades.

Clearly, they are hateful, spiteful people.

In no way could this have been any reflection on Mallard, who went on to prove them all wrong by becoming a talentless Right Wing water-carrier, whose exclusive mode of expression is to recite Republican Talking Points, and who has told fewer jokes in two years than I have digits on my left hand.

Saturday, September 06, 2008

That damned irony

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teachers, Adjectives, Irony.

Now you're just wasting everyone's time inventing some lame criticism of teachers which has nothing to do with teaching.

Free yourself. Be proud of who you are. Take pen in hand and write "I fucking hate teachers" in big bold letters, ship that off to your syndicate, and be done with it.

Alternate observation: A Right Wing water-carrier who doesn't recognize irony? Next you'll tell me they are incapable of recognizing their own rank hypocrisy.

Friday, September 05, 2008

That damned thought

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teachers, Thinking for yourself.

Translating Mallard-Speak: "I prefer not to think for myself. Tell me what I think."

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Those damned stoners

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teachers, Communism.

Stoned for most of the 20th century? That guy was stoned for more than 50 years? The not-so-subtle message here, apparently, is that getting stoned keeps you looking awfully young.

In other news, Mallard hates teachers with an irrational passion. But he loves straw men because they are the only men against whom he can win an argument.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Those damned dates

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teachers, History.

Mallard believes Mathematics is best taught by doing the work for students. And he believes that understanding history is just about memorizing dates and locations.

It's becoming clear why Mallard hates teachers and Education so much...they were trying to force him to learn something, and that is one thing Mallard will not stand for.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

That damned explanation

What's Mallard raving about today?


I'd like to believe Mallard is being deliberately obtuse or disingenuous in order to reinforce his own, and his audiences', blind rage toward teachers.

More likely, Mallard is just this stupid.

After all, he's been trying to figure out cartooning on his own for years...and the evidence of that failed strategy is on full display today.

Monday, September 01, 2008

Those damned answers

What's Mallard raving about today?


It has been fairly noted in the comments that it is becoming increasingly impossible to distinguish what the hell Mallard is complaining about when it comes to education. Not that Mallard has ever demonstrated coherence when raving, but in this case it's particularly schizoid.

He hates education standards today, but he's equally spiteful regarding education from 30 or 40 years ago.

I believe Mallard yearns for a good old-fashioned Prairie education, in which children copy Scripture passages onto slate boards and use an abacus to learn math before ceasing their education entirely at age 10 and going to work in the fields to help Pa.

This is how he plans to prepare American Youth for the challenges of the 21st Century.