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Sunday, May 31, 2009

Those damned Raptors

What's Mallard raving about today?


Metaphor fail.

The closest thing this is an apt metaphor for is dropping an Army into enemy territory without a plan, turning them into targets through your own complete incompetence.

Friday, May 29, 2009

That damned Principle

What's Mallard raving about today?

Carrie Prejean, Vanessa Williams, Rutgers.

Carrie Prejean became a cause célèbre for wing nuts with a persecution complex.

Vanessa Williams resigned her crown when nude photos of herself were revealed.

Rutger's Women's basketball team were slandered by a loud-mouthed bigot.

Mallard seeks for a larger truth, a Profound Principle, in the connection between these three things in his mind.

I believe he is correct insofar as the Profound Principle this illustrates is: Mallard Fillmore is an idiot.

I am happy to call this The Mallard Principle.

Those damned hecklers

What's Mallard raving about today?

David Letterman, President Obama

Seriously? This is why Mallard is so upset? Because the rest of the world doesn't share his outrage over all these faux outrages?

I liked this better when I thought Mallard was hoping to be the Jim Cramer to David Letterman's Jon Stewart.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

That damned Weenie

What's Mallard raving about today?

David Letterman, President Obama.

Ladies and Gentleman, the Republican Party in a nutshell: Less mature than a six year old on a playground.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

That damned Letterman

What's Mallard raving about today?

David Letterman, President Obama.

"Damn TV! Won't say things I already agree with!"

If you want a show that makes fun of President Obama, Mallard, may I suggest The Daily Show?

Monday, May 25, 2009

That damned Dinner

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Media Bias.

Jokes made at the Correspondent's Dinner are now Gospel?

Stephen Colbert's entire appearance also?

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Memorial Day

While no criticism is intended of Mallard's Memorial Day panel, here's a much better Memorial Day remembrance.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

That damned Tourism

What's Mallard raving about today?

Mexico, Swine Flu, Drug Wars.

Ok, now I laughed unironically.

What the hell is going on?

Friday, May 22, 2009

That damned haircut

What's Mallard raving about today?

Haircuts, People.

I think they're surprised, considering that you're a bird and don't have hair.

Also: I'm Mallard Fillmore, and nothing pisses me off more than attempts by others to interact with me.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

That damned head

What's Mallard raving about today?


I presume Mallard is noting the fact that, when covering obesity, news organizations tend not to show the faces of the random people who they are labeling "obese" as examples.

One presumes Mallard actually understands the reasoning behind this. But since Mallard's job is to publish a daily list of everything and everyone he hates, I would not call that a safe presumption.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

That damned Pontiac

What's Mallard raving about today?

Pontiac, Political Correctness.

For those of us able to read beyond a 4th grade level, "The Politically Correct Police" implies a police force which is scrupulously politically correct.

Those of us able to use the English language beyond a 4th grade level would prefer "The Political Correctness Police" (or PC Police).

All of which is to say that yesterday's panel suddenly makes a lot more sense.

And lest I forget: Ha! Ha! Ha! people are losing their jobs! Hilarious.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Those damned degrees

What's Mallard raving about today?

Higher Education

Mallard, whose hostility toward Higher Education does not preclude complaining about how expensive it is, unsurprisingly cannot discuss the topic in anything beyond the caricature level.

Monday, May 18, 2009

That damned Court

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Supreme Court.

An actual, non-partisan joke. Not completely unfunny.

Must have a guest writer.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

That damned texting

What's Mallard raving about today?

Text Messaging.

I could not possibly care less what Mallard thinks about technology, since he is a well-demonstrated idiot when it comes to the subject.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

That damned VFW

What's Mallard raving about today?

Janet Neapolitano, Right Wing Extremists.

One day to address Arlen Specter and Mallard is back to lying about the DHS Report.

Friday, May 15, 2009

That damned Specter

What's Mallard raving about today?

Arlen Specter, Republicans.

(Pssst, I'm down here. I'm staying out of the way while Mallard helps the Republican Party implode.)

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Those damned Extremists

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, The Department of Homeland Security, Veterans.

The audacity of the lies is just stunning. Not one thing in this panel is truthful.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

That damned Hugo Chavez

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hugo Chavez, Miss USA Pageant.

What's the matter?

Couldn't you draw Zombie Hitler as a straw judge?

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

That damned Video

What's Mallard raving about today?

Gay Marriage, President Obama.

It's riveting to see someone demonstrate so publicly how little they understand an issue and how limited their intellect is.

Let's review what happened in the event:
  • Pageant Contestant answered question: Freedom of expression.
  • Pageant Judge disliked her answer and gave her low marks: Freedom of expression.
No where in the Constitution does it say that freedom of expression protects you from repercussions if someone disagrees with you. You get to say what you want, but you have to take responsibility for what you say. Want to test that theory, Mallard? Go insult the person who signs your checks.

I also feel compelled to point out that proponents of Gay Marriage, primarily, want the ability to enjoy the same legal protections and rights which accrue to married couples. I am pretty sure that "sanctified" status is not a big concern, seeing that "sanctified" is not a legally enforceable status.

Finally, even if this drivel were taken literally, I am pretty sure President Obama can live with the curse of never becoming Miss USA, since he's a little busy being the President of the United States of America.

Monday, May 11, 2009

That damned Hate Speech

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hate Speech, Miss California, Gay Marriage.

Disagreeing with someone on Gay Marriage is not the same as accusing them of Hate Speech.

I know that's hard to understand for a Republican, a party in which deviation from what Rush Limbaugh believes is not tolerated.

But for the rest of us, it is possible.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Those damned people

What's Mallard raving about today?

Grammar, People.

Ignoring the fact that Mallard, who massacres the English language on a regular basis, is not really a waterfowl by whom anyone needs to be lectured about linguistics...

Shorter Mallard Fillmore, Right-Wing Mouthpiece: I hate people because I am so much better than they are.

And the Republicans wonder why they are so deeply unpopular.

Correcting grammar is Elitist.

And, by the by, correcting grammar instead of remembering Mom? What are you, a Socialist?

Saturday, May 09, 2009

That damned Media

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teabaggers, The Media.

I know this is true because I never watch anything other than Fox, and they said this during their 24x7 promotion of Teabagging.

Friday, May 08, 2009

Those damned guys

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teabaggers, The Media.

Which explains why Fox devoted hundreds of hours to promoting and covering them.

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Those damned Hooligans

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teabaggers, The Media.

Fox News was a sponsor of the Teabagging parties.

So your poor wittle Right Wing martyrdom pity party is completely fatuous.

But don't let that get in the way of constructing your Straw Man, since he's the only person against whom you can win an argument.

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Those damned Tea Parties

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teabaggers, G20 Rioters, The Media.

At first I thought this was a slap at the Teabaggers and their poorly-attended but widely-mocked teabagging parties.

But I think what's really going on is that Mallard's trying to suggest the Media are leftists who feel more comfortable among G20 rioters.

At any rate, we've finally made it to the teabaggers.

This would have been a good opportunity for Mallard to exercise some discretion and realize that, 3 weeks after the fact, the teabaggers would be a national laughing stock, and not just because they don't know how to use the Urban Dictionary.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

That damned Identification

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Right Wing Extremists.

First of all, this study came from the Bush Administration.

Second, a similar study was commissioned about Left-Wing extremists. I don't recall such a hue and cry at that time, so you can keep your martyrdom.

Finally, given that you and your readers gleefully self-identify as Right-Wing extremists, I don't think we need to try hard to explain the current popularity of the Republican Party.

I am pretty sure I will be able to cut and paste this post every single day for the rest of this week.

Monday, May 04, 2009

Those damned Right Wingers

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Right Wingers, Hugo Chavez

Hugo Chavez walked up to President Obama, shook his hand, and handed him a book. President Obama accepted the handshake and the book.

In Right Wing calculus, this is coddling and appeasement because President Obama did not punch Chavez in the face, burn the book, and then disappear Chavez to be water boarded.

Not to mention that they have absolutely no idea what Appeasement actually refers to, as none of their comparisons to appeasement are accurate.

Infantile and rage-driven...and these clowns ran this country.

Sunday, May 03, 2009

That damned socialism

What's Mallard raving about today?

Socialism, Fish

I'm a bit reluctant to criticize, given that we're no longer complaining about pirates, but...

"We're all socialists now" is in quotes? For what reason?

Fishermen are socialists?

Saturday, May 02, 2009

That damned booty

What's Mallard raving about today?

Pirates, Booty.

It's like watching a guy argue with himself because his argument is so incoherent that it only makes sense if he can take both sides.

Tomorrow is Sunday, which means at least one day's respite from this Pirate nonsense.

On the plus side, I won't have too much trouble identifying at least one nominee for Most Interminable Series.

Friday, May 01, 2009

That damned Hate Speech

What's Mallard raving about today?

Pirates, Hate Speech

Mallard is very, very angry. I think we all get that.

But for the life of me, I have no idea what he's angry about anymore.