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Saturday, March 31, 2007

That damned Electoral Process

What's Mallard raving about today?

The NCAA basketball tournament, the American Electoral Process.

It's probably just me misunderstanding something, but doesn't the NCAA Tournament have 64 teams?

Friday, March 30, 2007

Those damned students

What's Mallard raving about today?

Sodom, Gomorrah, Students.

I'm confused.

Is that a high-school student reading the paper, self-reflexively commenting on his own generation?

Is that his mom who doesn't recognize Sodom and Gomorrah?

Didn't this statistic come from a book yesterday, why are we talking about USA Today suddenly?

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Those damned statistics

What's Mallard raving about today?

Sodom, Gomorrah, Religion, Schools.

Isn't it interesting how two people can see the same statistic and come to completely opposite conclusions?

Case in point: "50% of high-school seniors think Sodom and Gamorrah were married."

Mallard sees this as an indictment of public schools for not teaching The Bible.

I consider the fact that my knowledge of The Bible comes from my parents and from going to Church and, well, you can probably see where I am going with this...

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Those damned judges

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Ninth Circuit Court, San Francisco, Drug Use.

I'm really not sure why Mallard envisions a member of the Ninth Circuit Court sporting a Franz Josef, but at least now we know what it is about the Bay Area that most bothers Mallard.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

That damned city

What's Mallard raving about today?

San Francisco, Illicit drug-use, North Dakota.

Mallard is unwilling to be explicit about why exactly this fact should be self-evident, preferring innuendo in place of any discussion.

The article, by contrast, delves into the potential reasons:
"The fact that state law allows the use of medical marijuana and that we have a population with a high rate of AIDS that might need to use medical marijuana may contribute to the rates," says Alice Gleghorn, deputy director of community behavioral health services in San Francisco's Department of Public Health. "We do have a cultural regional norm with regard to medical-marijuana use."

The coastal area north of San Francisco, included in the study as part of the metropolitan area, is known as a popular marijuana growing spot. "Where marijuana is very accessible, you're going to get higher use," Gleghorn says.
And yet, no matter what else you can say about today's panel, it makes me want to live in a place without gravity where people have only 4 toes.

Monday, March 26, 2007

That damned Hell

What's Mallard raving about today?

Al Gore, The New York Times, Climate change, Hell.

Oh, God. Another week of this drivel?

At any rate, since Mallard's wants to agree with that NYT article, I offer the following quote:
Typically, the concern is not over the existence of climate change, or the idea that the human production of heat-trapping gases is partly or largely to blame for the globe’s recent warming. The question is whether Mr. Gore has gone beyond the scientific evidence.
Oh, and as a service to certain readers, I am going to spell "thermometors" incorrectly, so you have license to simply ignore everything.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

That damned cooling

What's Mallard raving about today?

Global cooling, the '70s, fashion trends.

If Wikipedia can be believed, here are a few facts about Global Cooling Dr. Bunson Honeydew is selectively omitting:
Concern peaked in the early 1970s, partly because of the cooling trend then apparent (a cooling period began in 1945, and two decades of a cooling trend suggested a trough had been reached after several decades of warming), and partly because much less was then known about world climate and causes of ice ages. Although there was a cooling trend then, it should be realised that climate scientists were perfectly well aware that predictions based on this trend were not possible - because the trend was poorly studied and not understood...However in the popular press the possibility of cooling was reported generally without the caveats present in the scientific reports.
The term "global cooling" did not become attached to concerns about an impending glacial period until after the term "global warming" was popularized. In the 1970s the compilation of records to produce hemispheric, or global, temperature records had just begun.
While neither scientists nor the public could be sure in the 1970s whether the world was warming or cooling, people were increasingly inclined to believe that global climate was on the move, and in no small way.
In 1972 [Caesare] Emiliani warned "Man's activity may either precipitate this new ice age or lead to substantial or even total melting of the ice caps"
Mallard's entitled to his own set of opinions, but not his own set of facts.

Friday, March 23, 2007

That damned Thomas Sowell

What's Mallard raving about today?

Thomas Sowell, Climate scientists on the payroll of the energy industry, the mainstream media.

Mallard: The Energizer Flat Earther, he just keeps going, and going, and going...

Next thing he'll be trotting some long-forgotten chestnuts: the sun revolves around the earth and a good blood-letting should cure that disease.

Update: I'd like to highlight the excellent point NLC makes in the comments regarding the imprecise use of the term "open-minded" by Mallard. It is imprecise to say that scientists who examine data and reach a conclusion are not being open-minded; that, after all, is what Scientists do.

To draw an analogy, at a certain point there was not much to be gained by Scientists remaining open-minded about the possibility that dumping one's waste matter into the street (Gardez L’eau!) was not contributing to Cholera epidemics. Once a consensus developed, it led to the proliferation of indoor plumbing, despite the fact that I am sure one of Mallard's 19th century ancestors could be found on a street corner screaming that he'd always crap into a chamber pot, no matter what some damn egghead said.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

That damned Uncle Billy

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Canadian National Curling Team, Uncle Billy, scientists on the payroll of the energy industry, the mainstream media.

I feel like I need to pace myself, because we're going to have to go through this all over again in 2-3 weeks when "Al Gore testifies" panels start appearing.

So I'll just say two things:
1. Whatever one may think of scientific consensus, insulting Canada and Curling is just a low blow.
2. There's a Fillmore Foundation? For what? The advancement of mediocrity in combined visual and written media?

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Those damned Scientologists

What's Mallard raving about today?

Scientology, Global Warming, Hollywood.

It seems that Scientology wins by sheer dint of volume. The real loser, of course, is anyone who wasted precious moments of their life reading this panel.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Those damned Mastadons

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Oscars, The Ice Age, Climate Change.

I guess I should have realized that the Oscar for An Inconvenient Truth would spawn days and days of vitriol from Mallard. And on some level, of course, I did realize it.

But nothing can quite prepare you for dealing with a duck who is proud to reject scientific consensus and substitute his own reality. And thinks this is somehow a virtue.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Those damned Oscars

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, the Oscars.

There are so many things about this panel that make it utterly detestable. Like the fact that Mallard still proudly counts himself among the flat-earthers who reject climate change. Like the unnecessary commas in the title of the documentary. Like the utter illogic of this flimsy stretch of a premise.

But, what really stands out most is the grotesque caricature of god knows who. I know some readers will focus on the, as always, closed eyes. But I'd like to ask why it is that Mallard thinks an elongated chin is a necessary component of a caricature?

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Those damned Boomers

What's Mallard raving about today?

Baby Boomers.

Ahhhh! Over there! It's a former Hippie! Ahhhh!

Honestly, this pathological obsession is unhealthy, not to mention that it ignores 40 years of intervening history.

As for bringing Garry Trudeau into this mess, if I were in Mallard's place, I don't think I'd invite the inevitable comparison in a panel in which I'd included the phrase "Incontinental Breakfast."

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Those damned seniors

What's Mallard raving about today?

High-school seniors and their foreign counterparts.

In tomorrow's Mallard Fillmore:

Mallard continues his education call to arms with a grass-roots campaign in favor of an increase in the budget for the Department of Education and a hike in his Local, State, and Federal taxes in order to improve education across America.

Mallard also points out that the decrease in education standards occurred during the period of Republican ascendancy since Richard Nixon.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Those damned Universities

What's Mallard raving about today?

University, censorship, book bans, speech codes, and ideological litmus tests, diversity.

Is it just me or does the fact that the students are hissing and booing censorship, book bans, speech codes, and ideological litmus tests make no sense in the presumed context of the panel? I'm guessing Mallard's thought it would be clear the students are booing the things which straw administrator is planning to censor and ban.

But that was just wishful thinking on his part, undermined by his lack of understanding of composition and the workings of the English language.

As it is, it's just reads like a nonsensical right-wing rant. And, thus, order returns to Mallard's universe.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Those damned Nigerian Princes

What's Mallard raving about today?

Kim Jong Il, Nigerian email scams.

Combine the threat of nuclear attack by the megalomaniacal leader of an Asian country with the inconvenience of Nigerian email scams and you've got COMEDY GOLD!

Seriously, Mallard is excessively put out by those emails, isn't he? And with every passing reference, he further cements his reputation for being a bitter crank.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Those damned thumbs

What's Mallard raving about today?

Blackberry thumbs.

Hauersperger? That's quite a fake name.

But what I really don't understand is how liberals and/or the media are responsible for the scourge of Blackberry Thumb.

That, and what the hell is happening to Mallard Fillmore these days. It's becoming positively quotidian.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Those damned toes

What's Mallard raving about today?

Celebrities and those taking an interest in their lives.

Lordy, lordy, lordy...

It's not the continuing rant about celebrity.

It's not the fact that the panel is dripping with contempt for the average American.

It's the fact that the old lady's toes are the source of the thought balloon in the first panel.

Monday, March 12, 2007

That damned hair

What's Mallard raving about today?

Britney Spears' hair.

Everyone knew it was coming, but now that it's here, I have to confess I am really not looking forward to the upcoming series of out-of-date Britney Spears and Anna Nichole Smith references.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Those damned hippos

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hippos, the culture war, physchobabblers.

After a week of mildness, it's nice to see Mallard back on track with a standard bit of sophistry today. The combination of straw man liberal, a straw man argument, and a series of hot-button code words into something completely incoherent which will appeal to the lunatic fringe.

I confess, however, that I do enjoy the image of Mallard coming across a factoid about deaths-by-hippo and thinking to himself "How can I use this against liberals?"

Saturday, March 10, 2007

That damned Starbucks

What's Mallard raving about today?


Chrysler = cheap. A cup of Starbucks = expensive.

Or at least that's what I presume he's trying to say.

In point of fact, nothing prevents me from taking a tiny amount of money from my home-equity line of credit if I am really craving an Iced Mocha Wussachino.

I sincerely hope this series of, essentially, knock-knock jokes is done.

Friday, March 09, 2007

That damned auto maker

What's Mallard raving about today?

Chrysler corporation.

I keep wishing this was a 50 Cent joke in some way, but I think it's just Mallard saying Chrysler is in financial trouble.

Which definitely makes this panel an early favorite for 2007's Least Necessary Comment Award.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

That damned baseball

What's Mallard raving about today?


Dear God, I found today's panel understated, charming, and mildly humorous. What's more, the artwork contributes positively to the overall effect.

Been nice knowing you all, apparently the world is going to end soon.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Those damned pop culture references

What's Mallard raving about today?

Joe Biden, Anna Nicole Smith, Britney Spears.

Hoo! Ha! Man, that Mallard, he is so down with the pop culture! Only thing is, I don't understand why Kelsey Grammar appears in this panel.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

That damned Joe Biden

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, Joe Biden.

I guess it's just to much to ask for Mallard to actually look at a picture of a person before attempting a caricature. Unless that's all part of the meta-text of this particular joke. This is actually a picture of no one in particular but we're all willing to accept that it might as well be Joe Biden.

Then again, it's possible this is as close as Mallard wants to come to commenting on Biden's ill-chosen comments regarding Barack Obama. Though that would show a level of decorum I doubt he actually possesses.

Update: Thanks to the commenter for correcting my spelling of "Barack". As I was saying to someone the other day in response to a question of what I though of Senator Obama: I refuse to pay attention until next year some time. Apparently that extends to learning how to spell his name.

Monday, March 05, 2007

Those damned Clintons

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Clinton, Senator Clinton.

I wish that, as part of my job, I could also invent scenarios out of whole cloth that made my job easier. "That software was released last week, that's why I am playing solitaire."

I have to confess that first panel really threw me, however. Given that the rest of the panel is completely explicit in referencing the Clintons. I was trying to pull from memory some cookie-baking incident or massage that into a fat joke.

Then I realized Mallard substituted this for "didn't inhale" for reasons passing understanding.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Those damned kids

What's Mallard raving about today?

Video games, kids, hooligans.

In my attempt to ignore today's cutting edge humor (oh boy, kids today...are they ever better than grown-ups at the video games!), I unfortunately came face-to-face with the realization that Mallard may have procreated.

The absurdity of the fact that a duck sired a vaguely ethic child does not in any way ameliorate my feelings of nausea.

Saturday, March 03, 2007

That damned book

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Sixties generation, self-absorption.

I hate to break it to you, Mallard, but the fact that the Sixties generation straw man is not paying attention to you has nothing to do with self-absorption.

You're boring and most of us have stopped paying attention by now.

Friday, March 02, 2007

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Those damned Baby Boomers

What's Mallard raving about today?

Baby Boomers, self-absorption.

If one is capable of being inconsistently self-absorbed then, by definition, one is not actually self-absorbed.

Besides it's a bit ironic to call others self-absorbed when Mallard devoted a day to his favorite college football team's bowl result in the apparent belief that anyone else gives a damn.