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Saturday, April 30, 2011

That damned Obscenity

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teachers, Western Civilization.

Lacking anything actually worth complaining about, Mallard trots out a favorite Straw Man.

Friday, April 29, 2011

That damned Syllogism

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teachers, Unions

Mallard Fillmore, not believing he sufficiently made his point yesterday, repeats himself. Only this time, instead of inventing Emailers who agree with him, he creates a Straw Man who does not agree with him.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

That damned Proof

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teachers, Unions.

Least convincing argument, ever.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

That damned Law

What's Mallard raving about today?


The sad thing about the law is that "merit" is defined in large part by students test scores. Because nothing says "good teacher" quite like slavishly training students to take a standardized test.

Does anyone recall what happened the last time a paragon of Republican ideology made reforms which led to skyrocketing test scores?

What could possibly go wrong this time?

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

What's Mallard raving about today?

Dick Morris

Days after chastising elitists who are so out of touch that they don't shop at Walmart, we find Mallard Fillmore complaining about Dick Morris' publication schedule.

Monday, April 25, 2011

That damned Trump

What's Mallard raving about today?

Donald Trump

The Association of Editorial association which, based on this caricature, would not allow Mallard membership.

Seriously, without the text, I would have had no idea who that was supposed to be. How can someone who gets paid to draw be this bad at it?

Sunday, April 24, 2011


Happy Easter, everyone.

If you feel like observing someone acting pious when they exemplify the antithesis of Jesus Christ's teaching the rest of the year, feel free to visit Mallard Fillmore.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

That damned Walmart

What's Mallard raving about today?

Himself, Walmart, The Media

Not content to simply get his job back, Mallard must milk his delusions of grandeur for several days. Remember: a grand total of 14 people want Mallard back.

Friday, April 22, 2011

That damned Information

What's Mallard raving about today?

Fox, Mallard, Information.

Panel 1: Boss, our viewers say Mallard Fillmore gave them information they didn't get from other networks. None of it was true, but it upheld their prejudices and gave some validity to their darker impulses, so it made them feel better.

Panel 2: I prefer our current "copy other networks news judgement" policy. After all, now that we're a wholly owned subsidiary of GE, we don't have any actual reporters of our own. They might, after all, report on things GE does not approve of.

Panel 3: I didn't know about that.

Panel 4: Surely you didn't think our "ignore whatever Fox is reporting" policy was our only policy? That policy only helps us avoid reporting blatant falsehoods.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

That damned Percentage

What's Mallard raving asbout today?

Himself, TV News.

It doesn't happen often, but when it does, I will always confess to it: While I would not say I found today's Mallard Fillmore funny per se, I recognized a joke in the effort.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

That damned Mail

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Media, Himself.

Hey everyone, guess what? Mallard suddenly remembered that he's unemployed!

But don't worry, popular demand will bring him back to his job.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

That damned Addiction

What's Mallard raving about today?


The only reason it works, Mallard, is because lackwits such as yourself sit in front of the TV and watch, rather than doing something else with their time.

I understand that, in your particular case, you literally have nothing better to do. However, you can't then blame someone else for something which is your fault.

Monday, April 18, 2011

That damned Sign

What's Mallard raving about today?

Foreign Policy

I'm sorry, now we're against removing Saddam Hussein from power? Little late, isn't it?

For what it's worth, Castro can breath easier now that the Mallard doctrine has been established. Hugo Chavez also.

Honestly, the extraordinary contortion ability Republicans demonstrate when discussing Foreign Policy under a Democratic President make me wonder why they ever leave the house.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

That damned Memo

What's Mallard Fillmore raving about today?

Compact Fluorescent Bulbs

Mallard Fillmore: Fuck the planet if I have to suffer even the slightest inconvenience.

By the way, Mallard Fillmore claims to be a Christian, a religion in which Man was assigned stewardship of the Earth. Just thought that was worth pointing out.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

That damned Message

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Foreign Policy

Standard Republican response to a Democratic President doing their favorite thing (going to war) is to make up reasons why, under this President it's just a bad idea.

I've said it before and I will say it again, I do not understand how Republicans live with the day-to-day cognitive dissonance of being Republican.

Also, can't wait for the comment troll to come and accuse us of supporting wars under Obama, despite the fact that there's no evidence available for that.

Friday, April 15, 2011

That damned Coincidence

What's Mallard raving about today?

Taxes, President Obama

I found myself strangely excited to read Mallard Fillmore today, thinking this very public mental breakdown would just get more insane in the telling.

I should have known the story wouldn't get any more interesting, and that all we're going to do from here on out is listen to Mallard bitch about the same stupid thing over and over.

Meaning the only thing left to figure out is how many days will this go on?

Thursday, April 14, 2011

What's Mallard raving about today?

Taxes, President Obama

Wow, he's really doing this?

During the Bush Administration, I had to deal with the IRS regarding 3 consecutive years also. Does that prove something?

In fact, it does. It proves that Mallard is a raving lunatic and an idiot to boot.

Someone already said it best: Post hoc ergo propter hoc.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

What's Mallard raving about today?

Taxes, The IRS

Let me be the first to cal "bullshit" on Mallard and his delusions of grandeur.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

That damned System

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teachers, Unions

I'm sorry, so now becoming a teacher is a punishable offense?

Kudos, I guess, for dropping all pretense.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Those damned Grades

What's Mallard raving about today?

Unions, Grades.

Hilarious. Educators with multiple years experience are exactly the same as students taking multiple years to complete a grade.

I have no proven that all teachers should be fired.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Those damned Polls

What's Mallard raving about today?

Death, taxes.

Patrick Henry: Give me Liberty or Give Me Death

Mallard Filmore: Give me Death, so I don't have to pay some sort of price for Liberty.

Saturday, April 09, 2011

That damned Agreement

What's Mallard raving about today?

Grammar, Students.

Having long ago abandoned the principle that "ordinary people need a break, not a lecture" in favor of lecturing people all day every day, Mallard goes one step further and decides to lecture people on their use of English, something at which he is exceedingly bad.

Friday, April 08, 2011

That damned Phrase

What's Mallard raving about today?


Whereas for Mallard, overuse of adjectives is just plain normal. As are petty grievances.

Thursday, April 07, 2011

That damned Tip

What's Mallard raving about today?


I think you may be confusing taxes with something else, Mallard.

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

That damned Apostrophe

What's Mallard raving about today?

Apostrophes, Big Government

Hey Mallard, you know what people like a whole lot less that Big Government?

Arrogant ass hats who correct grammar just because it makes them feel superior, to cover for the fact that they are totally deficient in virtually every other area of their lives.

Plus, it takes a special kind of ass hat to criticize people for use of apostrophes when they have invented their own form of ellipse.

I'd also like to point out that people need a break, not a lecture.

And, finally, shouldn't you be looking for a job?

Tuesday, April 05, 2011

That damned Spelling

What's Mallard raving about today?

Colonel Gaddafi, President Obama

Day two of Mallard's "President Obama is bad because he isn't acting" narrative.

Already replaced by Republicans with the "President Obama is bad because he acted" narrative, of course.

Monday, April 04, 2011

That damned Soup

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Soup.

One presumes this was written in response to events in Libya. Mallard will, no doubt, soon follow the trajectory of his Right Wing counterparts and criticize President Obama for taking action against Libya, after criticizing him for not taking action on Libya.

The inconsistency in his position will, of course, be President Obama's fault.

Sunday, April 03, 2011

That damned Dinosaur

What's Mallard raving about today?

Oil, Dinosaurs.

Once again, I would like to remind everyone that someone got paid for this.

Saturday, April 02, 2011

Friday, April 01, 2011