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Tuesday, July 31, 2007

That damned Sea Bass

What's Mallard raving about today?

Al Gore, Chilean Sea Bass, Live Earth.

That's more like it. Classic Mallard: up is down, black is white!

Live Earth engages 2 billion people between TV, Internet, Radio, and Mobile.

Mallard calls that a "flop."

Al Gore goes to a restaurant which serves a tasting menu which includes Chilean Sea Bass--a species that is not listed as threatened or endangered but which are illegally over fished. That said, the fish at the restaurant were "not endangered or illegally caught...[and came] from one of the world's few well-managed, sustainable populations of toothfish, and caught and documented in compliance with Marine Stewardship Council regulations."

Mallard, who isn't even imaginative enough to do the dirty work himself, simply carries water for Matt Drudge's rumor mongering to suggest Al Gore served a threatened species to wedding guests.

You must be so proud.

Monday, July 30, 2007

That damned Obama

What's Mallard raving about today?

Senators Clinton and Obama.

Cattle futures? That's the punchline you want to go with as a resolution for this unbelievably lame set-up?

I should have stayed on vacation...

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Meta-Post: I'm Back

I'm back and will begin posting again with Monday's thrilling installment of Mallard Fillmore.

What did I miss?

Thursday, July 19, 2007

That damned wrestling

What's Mallard raving about today?

Pro wrestling, The Media.

I'm confused does today's panel even have a punchline?

The only way it you could even possibly argue that it has a punchline is if you thought Mallard was assuming everyone felt pro wrestling already has a bad reputation. But that would make Mallard an elitist bastard, when we know he represents the viewpoint of Joe Everyman, because he said so.

Note: For what it is worth, I like House. That said, I doubt I would like it if it didn't include Hugh Laurie. Conversely, I would probably watch a televised reading of the phone book if it did involve Hugh Laurie. And yet, I also like the Sopranos, even though it does not involve Hugh Laurie.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

That damned CDC

What's Mallard raving about today?

The CDC, Bono, Hollywood Producers.

I have to say, $1.7 million seems like a bargain compared to a rush at local Emergency Room by stupid people who were watching House and mis-diagnosed themselves as having a rare disease because House gave out the wrong symptoms.

Even so, cheap shots at Bono are pretty uncalled for.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Meta-Post: Travel

I may not be consistent for the next 10 days as I take a vacation. I will try to post at some point during that time, but it will be light and sporadic.

Those damned posh digs

What's Mallard raving about today?

The CDC, Tax Dollars.

Yeah, Mallard, that kind of waste is limited to government agencies.

I'm sure you can't find similar patterns of behavior in the private sector...cough...Dennis Kozlowski...cough.

Monday, July 16, 2007

That damned pardon

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hillary Clinton, Scooter Libby.

After 8+ years spent screeching that Bill Clinton was not worthy of The Office, now they trot him out to establish moral equivalency.

OK, Mallard, if that's the game you really want to play...

After the Mark Rich pardon, Congress held hearings on the process. President Clinton waived executive privilege and allowed his aides to testify. Ball's in your court, so to speak.

While we're at it, we might as well impeach President Bush also.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Those damned whales

What's Mallard raving about today?

Arctic Ice, Gray Whales, Global Warming Activists.

How stupid! For Christ's sake the Gray Whale couldn't pass a human through their baleen bristles!

Beyond that, it's probably worth mentioning that "this AP article" turns out to actually be an article from San Luis Obispo quoting a single person's opinion, parts of which later got posted to Free Republic with a link to "AP - Bakersfield"...a link which is broken.

That Free Republic article somehow manages to stop quoting before getting to this: "Perryman predicted the count would go back up in 2008. He said that the ice covering Arctic waters is reported to be thinner and is receding earlier and faster."

Not to mention the fact that this argument is roughly equivalent in intellectual laziness and dishonesty to the argument: "Man it's cold today, Global Warming must be fake."

Saturday, July 14, 2007

That damned R-E-S-P-E-C-T

What's Mallard raving about today?

Dogs, Voter Registration.

I know Mallard is in love with this story, because it reaffirms his belief that hordes of the Great Unwashed are registering to vote for the Other Guys. (Heaven defend us! Next they'll be extending Suffrage to Women!)

But given that it takes a full paragraph to re-state the back story every single god damned day, he should have reconsidered going down this path.

Friday, July 13, 2007

That damned Border Collie

What's Mallard raving about today?

Dogs, academic standards, progressives, grade inflation.

Honestly, I refuse to read that much text. What the hell is going on this week?

Instead I'm going to point out that college-educated dog shares roughly the same facial expression as Evil Sun. So apparently he is getting his degree in Evil.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

That damned something

What's Mallard raving about today?

No idea.

No way I am reading that much text in a comic...a bad comic.

Instead, I will take it upon myself to improve today's effort.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

That damned dog

What's Mallard raving about today?

Voter Registration, Dogs.

How scandalous.

I will look forward to three weeks from now when Mallard takes a hard hitting look at vote caging in Florida with his typical blend of vitriol and insight.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Those damned pants

What's Mallard raving about today?

Judge Roy Pearson.

Mallard has absolutely no sense of composition, choosing to draw himself into this panel twice for reasons passing understanding. If this had been a blank white space with text it would have been just as effective.

I said it once, I'll say it again: Mallard is reaching a point where running his comic is akin to publishing a person's diary, assuming that it was a really, really, really boring person.

Monday, July 09, 2007

That damned caveman

What's Mallard raving about today?

Johnny Hart.

I typically give Mallard a pass on things like this. But, for God's sake, "the greatest cartoonist [Mallard has] ever known, [his] hero and friend" died on April 7, 2007!

During the intervening 3 months, Mallard felt the following topics (among others) were more important than a timely tribute to Johnny Hart:
  • Evil Sun
  • Al Sharpton and Don Imus
  • Panhandlers
  • John Edwards Haircut
  • Sanjaya
  • Alec Baldwin
  • Reality TV
  • Penguins
  • eMail
  • Rosie O'Donnell
  • The Sopranos
I also personally think Johnny Hart would be appalled at how poorly Mallard was able to draw Thor.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

That damned ADM

What's Mallard raving about today?


Mallard actually seems to think he's telling us something we don't know.

Mallard also seems to believe this is in some way related to public demand for ethanol, which is, no doubt, all the environmentalists' fault.

Nowhere does Mallard mention Archer Daniels Midland, the poster child for American corporate welfare, whose campaign contributions are almost entirely responsible for ethanol subsidies. God forbid the private sector be held to account; The Market will take care of everything.

By the way Mallard, Archer Daniels Midland also manufactures a significant portion of the world's high fructose corn syrup, a substance which is widely considered to contribute to America's obesity problem.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Those damned people

What's Mallard raving about today?

Trite overused phrases, secret Egyptian prisons.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. They sent them to Egypt to be tortured. Damn that's funny!

No, wait a minute. What's the opposite of funny?

Oh, that's right: absolutely horrifying.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

That damned punchline

What's Mallard Raving about today?

Judge Roy Pearson, the Legal System.

I can't decide on a single snark for today, so I will go with two:

1. As a public service, I think Mallard should include the phrase "don't look over here for a punchline" every day.

2. Damn that Legal System! If only we had leaders willing to ignore the law when it gets in their way.

That damned Fred

What's Mallard raving about today?

Fred Thompson, Barack Obama, Hilary Clinton.

OK, Mallard has moved on from Walter Williams and settled on Fred Thompson as The Savior.

At least I think that's Fred Thompson. It's impossible to tell from the caricature, a fact which Mallard seems aware of since he has kindly labeled the man.

Nice timing on Mallard's part in coming out for non-candidate Thompson.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

That damned reading list

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Declaration of Independence

All men are created equal. All ducks, however...

Monday, July 02, 2007

Those damned fireworks

What's Mallard raving about today?


Well, I guess there's no escaping it...Mallard is going to honor this 4th Of July by bitching about another country.

As for accusation of shoddy workmanship, that's rich coming from Mallard, who is unable to illustrate fireworks and needs a banner labelling them as such.

Those damned Chinese

What's Mallard raving about today?


Personally, I think that logo on the dog food bag would be grounds for a claim of caveat emptor. I mean, If I were to buy that dog food, and my dog did not die, I would feel cheated.

That said, the stink line is overdoing it a bit, don't you think?

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Those damned Benjamins

What's Mallard raving about today?

Straw Men, Political Correctness, Benjamin Franklin.

I hate to admit that it's something of a relief to get back to a standard Mallard Straw Man. Though I have to say that insunuating that Straw PC Liberal doesn't know who Benjamin Franklin is doesn't really help the argument since it makes it far less believable. Attempting to gild the lilly a bit too much with that one.

That said, this particular quote from Benjamin Franklin is somewhat ironic when you are a Fox News-watching (pdf), rubber-stamp Republican supporter, whose life is largely devoted to decrying the media for their so-called "liberal bias" whenever they attempt to shine light on what the government is up to.

Ignorance indeed.

Meta-Post: Blackout

I swear, I was not on a 2-day bender.

I was travelling back from Japan, which is a freaky enough experience to make you miss a day, since you leave at 5PM on Saturday and get back at 11am on Saturday, thus being forced to live two days without sleep.

But when I got back, Earthlink was out in my area, so I could not connect to the Internet all day Saturday.

I'm still jet-lagged, so I am going to move forward and not look back...

All I will say about Saturday's Mallard is this: You are a Mallard Duck; pardon me if I don't consider the fact that you appear green under fluorescent lights a downside of the light bulb.