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Thursday, May 31, 2007

Those damned Mastodons

What's Mallard raving about today?

Liberals, Moderates, Mastodons.

Damn Liberals. Or Moderates? No, wait, definitely Liberals. But Moderates. Moderate Liberal Moderates. But Liberal. Are we clear?

And yet, what bugs me the most is Mallard's smug little lean into the panel.

That and the fact that the end of the mastodon's trunk resembles a boxing glove. A five-year-old can do better than that.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Those damned misquotes

What's Mallard raving about today?

Emerson, Presidential candidates.

While part of me appreciates the correction, since this the common misquotation slightly mangles Emerson's intent, I feel that a poorly-illustrated Duck who recently invented a singing pedophile is in no position to cast pedantic stones.

Plus, it's not like Mallard exhibits a foolish consistency regarding anything.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

That damned Reality TV

What's Mallard raving about today?

Reality TV.

I did not just see a cartoon about a singing pedophile, did I?

Please, tell me I didn't.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Those damned Notaries

What's Mallard raving about today?

Reality TV, a Notary Public.

Sweet Jesus, apparently Mallard feels he has more to contribute to the Failed-Reality Show topic. Prepare yourselves for a long, long week.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Those giant boots

What's Mallard talking about today?

Memorial Day.

No snark from me regarding Memorial Day remembrances.

But I do have to ask: Was it really worth it to jump the gun by a day and publish a Memorial Day Sunday panel when the only plan was to draw a huge pair of boots?

Friday, May 25, 2007

Those damned makeover shows

What's Mallard raving about today?

Wally, Makeover Shows, self-help groups.

From Mallard's biography: "He thinks average, hardworking Americans need a break instead of a lecture."

If that's the case, champion of the average, hardworking American, stop lecturing us about what we should and should not watch on TV.

Will this week never end?

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Those damned Hollywood penguins

What's Mallard raving about today?


I honestly thought yesterday would represent some kind of low-water mark for Mallard.

But, today, Mallard manages to find a new low by going back to bitching about penguins in Hollywood.

I suspect what's really going on is that his Mallard Fillmore: The Movie script has not generated any interest.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Those damned queer pets

What's Mallard raving about today?

Reality TV.

I think I know what's going on. Mallard is playing a game of I Spy with himself.

He looks around his apartment and makes a cartoon out of the first three things that catch his eye. In this case a dog, a sweater, and a queer.

What the dog is doing in his apartment is any one's guess.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Those damned dogs

What's Mallard raving about today?

Reality TV, Wives, Dogs.

Now, I admit that your average Reality TV contestant is probably about as intelligent as, say, a bag of hammers. But, did Screamy McCrazyHair really expect them to take his wife (please) when he signed up to be on a show entitled Dog Swap?

Which I mention only because Mallard is difficult enough to read when he's railing against Liberals; when he devolves into jokes about topics as fresh as airplane food it becomes that much harder.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Those damned statistics

What's Mallard raving about today?


Mallard examines the make up of a self-selecting group and conflates it with bias. Professors at the nations most prestigious Universities do not support the political party which would eliminate the Department of Education if it could. Stop the presses.

Just as meaningful would be, for example, examining the number of Democrats and Republicans among ballet dancers or Regency University professors.

But even that pales in comparison to the intellectual laziness with which Mallard attempts, and fails, to make his point.

First his protagonist says that her education had balance. Then she says she would thank her conservative professors if the university had any. All of which means that her non-conservative professors are the ones who provided her with balance in her education. So, what's the problem, then, Mallard?

Saturday, May 19, 2007

That damned Baldwin

What's Mallard raving about today?

Alec Baldwin, Compassionate Hollywood Liberals.

Before you get too angry that Mallard is extending a single incident into an indictment of an entire group of people, you're missing the big picture.

Mallard wants to see if readers can come up with analogues to his example.

Have fun in the comments.

Friday, May 18, 2007

That damned Sanjaya

What's Mallard raving about today?


Not only does Mallard taunt us by not featuring Evil Sun.

Not only does he slap us in the face with an out-of-date Sanjaya reference and remind us of how resentful we all are that we even know who Sanjaya is.

But he has the nerve to do it while bringing back the, for lack of a better word, poetry.

What's really interesting to me is that the idiot daughter on the other end of the phone is Straw Liberal's Conservative-dating daughter. Shall we assume that said boyfriend is the one who got her hooked on American Idol?

Update: I think Kaitlyn's right and this isn't poetry. I mistook the rhythm created by the punctuation (meant to represent one side of a phone call) for an attempt at meter. I blame Mallard's previous poetry for making me believe this could have been poetry in the first place.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Those damned crises

What's Mallard raving about today?

NASCAR, Baseball, the Media, the NBA.

Don't even get me started on that damned NHL!

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

That damned China

What's Mallard raving about today?

China, email, computers.

Anyone caring to guess what's really going on, have at it in the comments.

My guess: Mallard started putting his email address into the panel, rather suddenly, on 30 April, 2007. Since then, he has not been flooded by the outpourings of support, admiration, and love which he expected. So he's upping the ante in a desperate cry for attention and validation.

For what it is worth, when we last left Mallard's pseudo-boycott of China, he was vowing to refrain from buying blue-grey rectangles from China.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

That damned beauty

What's Mallard raving about today?

John Edwards.

I suppose I should be glad that it turns out that Mallard was being disingenuous yesterday when he intimated that he was against over blowing John Edwards hair.

Today he piles right onto the talking points, proving that for all his desire to be an iconoclast, he is just a tool of the noise machine.

Monday, May 14, 2007

That damned haircut

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Media, John Edwards haircut.

I think Mallard is criticizing the media for over-covering John Edwards haircut, which, frighteningly is something on which he and I agree.

That said, I do not approve of belabored punchlines that work really hard to be funny and yet are both ham-handed and make no damn sense. Broken Pepsi bottle?

Sunday, May 13, 2007

ThoseThat damned datum

What's Mallard raving about today?


Tell you what, I'd take sappy over this syntactically-challenged, rhyme-challenged, and rhythm-challenged garbage any day.

"Unlike as with Dads?" Is that even English?

(Update: Those datum/That datum. When it comes to use of English, people in glass houses and all that...)

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Those damned green ICBMs

What's Mallard raving about today?

The politics of the future.

Mallard, Mallard, Mallard. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

The environmentalist of the future will still be a pacifist America-hating liberal. They'll only support ICBMs if we are going to use them to plant an herb garden.

It's like he's not even trying....

Friday, May 11, 2007

That damned recycling

What's Mallard raving about today?

Environmentalists, Recycling, the Media.

I'm going to ignore the fact that this panel makes little sense, given that the stories Mallard cites are not examples of, you know, environmentalism.

I'm going to ignore the fact that Mallard's TV remote can speak, at least in onomatopoeia.

What bothers me is that Mallard is complaining about the media recycling stories about how people are too fat.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Those damned moderates

What's Mallard raving about today?

Moderate environmentalists, recycled dolphins.


Moderate environmentalists want to kill dolphins and make furniture from their carcasses?

If that's the case, what does a reactionary, Republican, anti-environmental, Flat Earther like Mallard want to do? Burn endangered species alive until he opens a hole in the ozone layer the size of the Western Hemisphere?

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

That damned self-righteousness

What's Mallard raving about today?

Self-righteousness, people going green, people with a social conscience.

This panel raises several questions to which there are no satisfactory answers:
  • Can't Mallard draw an index finger that does not look like a penis?
  • Does Mallard believe using a specific time, like 7:52am, enhances the panel in some way?
  • Why does Mallard repeat the phrase "I'm Going Green" twice in the panel?
  • They're the self righteous ones?

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Those damned bad guys

What's Mallard raving about today?

Armed bad guys, unarmed good guys.

There are some days when dealing with this lunatic duck is just too depressing for words. Today is one of them.

Because God knows there's no better way to honor those who died than to have a badly illustrated duck use the tragedy three weeks later as a ham-handed segue to make a political argument against gun control.

Monday, May 07, 2007

That damned media

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Media.

I know everyone hates when this happens, but I suspect Mallard will find himself more or less in agreement with most readers today.

That said, I think this commentary could be improved with a Nancy Grace caricature and, you know, a punchline that isn't hackneyed even by Mallard's standards.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Those damned fish

What's Mallard raving about today?

Fishing, giant foul-mouthed fish.

I'd like to point out that Mallard lacks the ability or creativity to properly do a string of expletive symbols, by repeating the same 4 symbols twice.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

That damned Reverend Jackson

What's Mallard raving about today?

Reverend Al Sharpton, Reverend Jesse Jackson, Racism.

Case closed. Give Don Imus his show back.

Friday, May 04, 2007

That damned...oh who cares anymore?

What's Mallard raving about today?

Need you ask, really?

Allow me to trace the evolution of this series:

Step 1: Draw a moral equivalency between Al Sharpton and Don Imus, as if that would excuse Don Imus.

Step 2: Stop talking about Don Imus and focus exclusively on charging Al Sharpton with being racist.

Step 3: Mock Al Sharpton for low ratings on his radio show (at which point Mallard's completely lost the plot).

Step 4: Bring Don Imus back into the series with the notion of a wacky Odd Couple-esque Ebony and Ivory radio show.

I shudder to think where we're headed next...

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Those damned hamsters

What's Mallard raving about today?

Reverend Al Sharpton, radio-listening hamsters.

Blah, blah, blah, Al Sharpton, blah, blah, racism , blah, blah, blah.

There. I put as much effort into this post as Mallard put into today's panel.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Those damned body parts

What's Mallard raving about today?

Reverend Al Sharpton, Racism.

As if the substance of today's panel were not ridiculous enough, the reader is forced to ask what conclusions can be drawn from the fact that the first bit of dialog is uttered by Rev. Sharpton's right foot, the second by his left hand, and the final thought balloon emanates from his ass.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

That damned Journalism School

What's Mallard raving about today?

Reverend Al Sharpton, Journalism school.

Mallard apparently wants to play the moral relativism game in defense of Don Imus and is using as ammunition incidents from 1987 and 1991 involving Reverend Al Sharpton.

Shall we examine the statements of Rush Limbaugh since 1991 for any hint of racism? I wonder if we can find more than two incidents in that time?

How about Bill O'Reilly? Ann Coulter? Glenn Beck? Michael Savage?