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Saturday, December 31, 2011

That damned Year

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, President Bush

Which would make it, what, the 20th year of the Clinton economy? Except for those good years when Clinton was President, which were years 9-15 of the Reagan Presidency, right?

Friday, December 30, 2011

That damned Party

What's Mallard raving about today?

Office Parties

Mallard's concept of Office parties is straight out of the 50's. Big surprise.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Those damned Moralists

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hollywood, Child Molestation

I would like to point out to Mallard that, while he feels he is scoring some political points by highlighting child molestation in Hollywood (a favorite bĂȘte noire), by the calculus he is proposing (indict 100% of a cohort in which some are guilty of child molestation) we must indict 100% of College Football, one of his favorite things in the world, as well as College Basketball and the Catholic Church. Plus, you know, Parents.

Look, Mallard, we can condemn child molesters and those who harbor them without bringing cheap political points of view into this. I mean, we can. You, apparently, can't because you are a soulless ideologue.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

That damned Return

What's Mallard raving about today?

Returns, Marriage

You SEE people! The Gays RUINED marriage and forced this lady to return her husband to the store! We warned you!

Monday, December 26, 2011

That damned Scandal

What's Mallard raving about today?

Eric Holder, President Obama

The approaching New Year gives Mallard a chance to reflect on scandals that no one but he and Fox cared about. Way to be relevant, there, Mallard.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Merry Christmas!

Mallard Fillmore spends almost every day of the year being a hateful prick who is the antithesis of what Christ and Christianity stand for ("love thy neighbor as thyself").

So enjoy today when he blandly quotes the Gospel according to Luke, wishes you a happy Christmas, and shows himself reading a book which we are supposed to believe is The Bible, but is more likely Atlas Shrugged, in anticipation of going back to hating everyone but the 1% tomorrow.

In a more general sense, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Joyous Kwanzaa, or Happy Holidays. Choose one. (But if you make the wrong choice, immediately declare War on Christmas.)

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Christmas Eve

Right on schedule, Mallard trots out his piety with a dose of the martyr.

Everyone have a Merry Christmas.

Friday, December 23, 2011

That damned Newt

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Newt Gingrich

Is that the same Newt Gingrich who has slipped behind Ron Paul in Republican polls?

Happy Festivus, everyone!

Thursday, December 22, 2011

That damned Man

What's Mallard raving about today?

The NBA

Mallard Fillmore: Parochial idiot.

(For the record, I really didn't care if there was an NBA season. But that doesn't mean I am so stupid as to believe my own views are majority views.)

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

That damned Nose

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Republican Presidential candidates

I assume we all understand what Mallard is getting at, despite the words he used, which frankly make no sense whatever.

But I wouldn't worry too much, Mallard. I'm sure if Teabaggers hold the Middle Class hostage one more time, voters will come around.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

That damned Election

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Presidential Election

Apparently Mallard came up with one fewer ideas than he needed to cover the pre-Christmas publishing schedule, so he dusted off something he wrote earlier and submitted it.

On the other hand, not offensive and something recognizable as a joke.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Those damned Catalogs

What's Mallard raving about today?

Catalogs

Mallard's Season of Petty gripes continues unabated.

And, you filthy Secular Humanist Atheist, it's Christmas Safety Tips, not Holiday Safety Tips.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Those damned Accusations

What's Mallard raving about today?

Santa Claus, Reindeer, Sexual Harassment

Your defense of Herman Cain is that everyone is guilty of Sexual Harassment and has just not been accused yet? Really? That's what you're going with?

That's almost as good as Cain's defense that an infinite number of women could accuse him, but only a handful have, so as a percentage he's quite a noble guy.

Truly astounding, the way the Modern Conservative "mind" works.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Friday, December 16, 2011

That damned Halftime Show

What's Mallard raving about today?

Tim Tebow

What if Tim Tebow was Muslim. You can just imagine the weeks long tirade Mallard would go on for being open about his religion.

Oh, and Mallard? Free speech gives Tim Tebow the same right to wear his religion on his sleeve as it gives anyone else to criticize him.

Why are Christians so thin-skinned?


Thursday, December 15, 2011

That damned Stuff

What's Mallard raving about today?

Occupy Wall Street

Mallard Fillmore: confusing assertions for facts since 1994.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

That damned Age

What's Mallard raving about today?

Kids, Santa

I keep thinking this can't get any worse. And I'm always wrong about that.

Mallard is a joyless spite-filled waterfowl.

Meta-Post: 2000 Posts

Just noticed that yesterday's post was the 2,000th since I started this blog. Hard to believe I've subjected myself to that much Mallard Fillmore.

Same goes for you guys. Thanks for reading and feel free to describe how reading Mallard Fillmore this long has affected you!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

That damned Creep

What's Mallard raving about today?

Santa Claus

We continue with Day 13 of A Very Special Mallard Fillmore Christmas.

Monday, December 12, 2011

That damned Gift

What's Mallard raving about today?

Gifts, Women

Mallard continues his assault on Christmas with the double-pronged attack of
  1. Using the politically-correct "Holidays" rather than calling it Christmas
  2. Being a complete and total asshole, without a single redeeming quality

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Saturday, December 10, 2011

That damned Planet

What's Mallard raving about today?

Re-Gifting

Short, incomprehensible, not funny. At least one of those is new to Mallard Fillmore.

Friday, December 09, 2011

Thursday, December 08, 2011

That damned Tableau

What's Mallard raving about today?

Christmas Decorations

Mallard Fillmore believes people buy new Christmas decorations every single year and when the economy is bad can't afford them. In other words, Mallard Fillmore doesn't understand the economy, human beings, or (really) anything.

Also, Mallard why do you hate Jesus? How dare you speak of a Holiday Tableau! It's a Christmas Tableau you evil, Anti-American atheist.

Wednesday, December 07, 2011

That damned Cat

What's Mallard raving about today?

Cats, Holidays, Reindeer

So, apparently, Mallard Fillmore is going to complain about animals dressed as reindeer until Christmas.

This is a metaphor for the Modern Republican party, however.

  • Elevating fake cultural trends to emergency status to rile up supporters and make them easy to manipulate
  • Intolerant to the point of biliousness over anything with which they do not agree
  • Joyless
  • Filibustering everything (including the days leading up to Christmas)
  • Obsessed with reindeer
I may have made that last one up.

Tuesday, December 06, 2011

That damned Percentage

What's Mallard raving about today?

Dogs, Holidays, Government Money

Wow, apparently this "holiday gifts suck" sequence was the longest (and most boring) lead-in to the lamest punchline ever.

Monday, December 05, 2011

That damned Dog

What's Mallard raving about today?

Pets, Holidays

Considering she apparently has not slept since Halloween, I think that dog may be in error.

I say "dog" based on textual evidence. The drawing suggest the artist has only heard what a dog is, but has never actually seen one.

Sunday, December 04, 2011

That damned Scent

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Holidays, Glade Air Freshener

Can I confess that I tuned into Mallard Fillmore today anticipating a Sunday respite from Mallard's unremitting Holiday gloom.

Sadly...

Saturday, December 03, 2011

Friday, December 02, 2011

Those damned Makers

What's Mallard raving about today?

Christmas, Gifts, Toasters.

Mallard Fillmore hates toasters. Seriously, is Mallard attempting to bore his audience to death?

Thursday, December 01, 2011

Those damned Sweaters

What's Mallard raving about today?

Sweaters

Someone let Bill O'Reilly and Fox know that the real war on Christmas is being waged by Mallard Fillmore, who is doing his level best to suck every ounce of joy out of the season.

Honestly, I don't know how much longer I can take this stream of unremitting gloom.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Those damned Things

What's Mallard raving about today?

Gifts

Mallard Fillmore is a horrible joyless waterfowl living in a horrible joyless world.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Those damned Gifts

What's Mallard raving about today?

Gifts, Revenge.

Why does it not surprise me that Mallard is an expert on this subject.

Monday, November 28, 2011

That damned Photo

What's Mallard raving about today?

Facebook

How shocking that Mallard doesn't understand social networking. Or human interaction.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

That damned Committee

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Super Committee

Thought we probably don't agree on the reasons, the stupidity of the Super Committee is at least one place where Mallard an I can agree.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

That damned Policy

What's Mallard raving about today?

Rudolph the Reindeer, Santa, The Economy

Mallard's really going to continue with this?

Friday, November 25, 2011

That damned News

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Economy, Reindeer

Mallard Fillmore thinks people losing their jobs and families being unable to afford Christmas presents is hilarious.

Economically, he may not be part of the 1%. But he is part of the 1% in every other way.

For God's sake, are you really this much of a heartless bastard? I mean, we make fun of you all the time here, justifiably. But I've always assumed you were still basically human (or waterfowl, whatever) despite the fact that your politics are so misguided. After today, however, I'm starting to wonder if I may be being too generous in that opinion.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Those damned Stickers

What's Mallard raving about today?

Volvos, Subarus, Shoppers.

No, Mallard, I do not agree with your smugly asserted premise.

By the way, Mallard, if you were to consume no news at all, you would be more informed than you currently are, since you watch Fox

Monday, November 21, 2011

That damned Party

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Clinton. Herman Cain

Seriously? Mallard, based on facts (which I know you have an atavistic reaction against):

  • The Media crucified President Clinton.
  • Congress Impeached President Clinton
  • The United States People re-elected him
Your desperate attempt to rewrite history is baloney. And why do you hate Democracy so much?

Next up: comparisons to Justice Thomas as a defense of Herman Cain.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Those damned Lions

What's Mallard raving about today?

Detroit Lions

That joke would have been so much better before the Lions lost 3 of their last 4 games!

Just want to remind everyone that someone gets paid for Mallard Fillmore, because I know that seems an incomprehensible fact most of the time.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

That damned Toy

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barbie, Middle-Age Mome

Are these the same Moms who need a break, not a lecture? What kind of Nanny State does Mallard want to live in anyway?

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Those damned Moms

What's Mallard raving about today?

Twilight

Day 4 of Mallard extending his political philosophy to everyday life: I'm superior because you enjoy something I don't like. And no, I will not offer a single reason to back up the claim that my opinion on this matter is better than yours.

That damned Role Model

What's Mallard raving about today?

Twilight, Football

So, Mallard, we get it. You are completely unable to communicate with others and completely lack empathy.

We already got that from your politics, so can we please move on?

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

That damned Promise

Whats Mallard raving about today?

Twilight Saga

Shorter Mallard Fillmore: I am an insufferably smug asshole with no common decency, humanity, or empathy.

Even Shorter Mallard Fillmore: I am a Republican.

Monday, November 14, 2011

That damned Opening

What's Mallard raving about today?

Twilight Saga

His politics aside, on a personal level Mallard Fillmore is more of a prick than inveterate asshole Crankshaft.

Unlike that strip, however, Mallard Fillmore is proud of himself and an avatar.

Frightening, indeed.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

That damned Memory

What's Mallard raving about today?

Herman Cain, Justice Thomas

And do you also remember where you were when Joe Paterno's character was assassinated?

Because this line of argument is exactly the same as that would be.

Which is to say that you're a vicious partisan asshole.

That damned Concept

What's Mallard raving about today?

Turkeys

Pssst. No one tell Mallard about the Turducken.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

That damned Accountability

What's Mallard raving about today?

Joe Biden

Once again, in a startling development, the Fillmore Foundation releases a study supporting the pre-conceived notions of it's eponymous Founder.

The study does, however, raise at least two interesting questions:

  1. As the Fillmore Foundation has only identified a single instance of Joe Biden saying something the Foundation has deemed "offensive", what is meant by the use of the plural "things" in this study?
  2. What methodology has the study used to control for the fact that Biden's statement occurred in 2007, while Republicans say multiple offensive things on a daily basis (c.f., Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh, on November 10)?
We await these clarifications.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Veteran's Day

Words aren't all you have, Mallard. Your actions could support current Veterans as something other than a political prop. But, you know, that'll never happen so, you know, carry on fetishizing the Military you giant hypocrite.

Update: I saw this today and wanted to add it to the post: Unemployment for Young Vets: 30%, and Rising. But, of course, one-term for President Obama is more important than the economy, jobs, or veterans, so, you know, keep on carrying that water, Mallard.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

That damned Program

What's Mallard raving about today?

Joe Biden

Seriously, you're going with criticism of Joe Biden? Ok, now please cite multiple examples of each claim you have made. I'll wait.


Wednesday, November 09, 2011

That damned Netflix

What's Mallard raving about today?

Netflix

How cute, Mallard is attempting to be relevant! Failing, of course, but...

Not sure exactly why Mallard hates the Free Market, however.

Tuesday, November 08, 2011

That damned Experience

What's Mallard raving about today?

Liberals

Oh, please...it's not even fun making sport at such a feeble effort.

Monday, November 07, 2011

What's Mallard raving about today?

Liberals, Dinosaurs

Uh, Mallard, you understand that Tyrannosaurus was also a carnivore, right?

In terms of your metaphor here, if the Tyrannosaurus was "old" then, in the animal kingdom, death is a pretty likely fate. Also, can you think of any other words with the same root as "Tyrannosaurus" which mean this metaphor works better when read with the opposite intent as yours?

God, you really suck at your job.

BTW - I realize I am not in the segment of Mallard's readers which are reflexively reflexively frightened at the dog whistle metaphor of a "pack" of "carnivores."

Sunday, November 06, 2011

Saturday, November 05, 2011

That damned Stereotype

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teabaggers, Occupy Wall Street

I think it's absolutely hysterical, and an indication of the absolute intellectual bankruptcy of the Teabaggers, that their main response to OWS is jealousy.

Tebaggers are proving that they have no actual policy underpinning. They are a movement whose only purpose was as a media attention whore to allow Fox, the Koch brothers, and the Republican Party to lie about having populist support.

Thursday, November 03, 2011

That damned Mess

What's Mallard raving about today?

Occupy Wall Street

Uh, by, "those of us" I assume you realize that also include those of us taking part in the protest, right?

By the way, still waiting for a single substantive argument.

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

Those Damned Slurs

What's Mallard raving about today?

Occupy Wall Street

While scoring 100% on echoing dishonest Fox ad hominem attacks on OWS, Mallard has yet to make a single substantive rebuttal.

In other words, business as usual in the Right Wing.

By the way, I'd like to remind everyone this is the same Mallard Fillmore who decries any claims that Teabaggers are racist.

Tuesday, November 01, 2011

Those damned Protestors

What's Mallard raving about today?

Occupy Wall Street

Nope, Mallard. Everyone in the neighborhood was throwing garbage at you because they hate you.

Keep up your feeble efforts to discredit the protesters, however. Your impotent fury is quite funny to watch.

Monday, October 31, 2011

That damned Costume

What's Mallard raving about today?

Occupy Wall Street

I am reasonably certain there was a point to this. However since Mallard chose to express it using a code understood only by the voices in his head, that point eludes me.

That said, I am hopeful someone is about to take a piss in Mallard's house.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

That Damned Holiday

What's Mallard raving about today?

Halloween, Washington DC

Oh, hey, look everyone, Mallard Fillmore is being a total dick about a children's holiday.

How utterly surprising.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

That damned Commandment

What's Mallard raving about today?

GOP Candidates, Ronald Reagan

Because what's really wrong with this crop of Republican Presidential candidates is that they are criticizing each other.

Right.

Friday, October 28, 2011

That damned program

What's Mallard raving about today?

Herman Cain

If you want to know what Herman Cain proves, Mallard, it's that Republicans are the party of the ultra-wealthy and that trumps everything else. However, we already knew that.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

That damned Herman Cain

What's Mallard raving about today?

Herman Cain, The Media

Yeah, that stupid media. I mean the GOP ignored Herman Cain until after everyone else (not named Mitt Romney) crashed and burned, how dare the media do likewise?

Meanwhile, in the present...how's that media glare working out for old Herman Cain?

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Those damned Elites

What's Mallard raving about today?

OWS

Funny how when you're unemployed or under-employed you find yourself with time on your hands.

But, Mallard, we can agree that everyone here would be thrilled if you were unemployed.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Those damed Corporations

What's Mallard raving about today?

Occupy Wall Street

Damn! Shut OWS down now since Mallard has spotted the flaw in their argument!

By the way Mallard, shall we discuss Tea Party members who use Government services, like roads, traffic signals, police & fire? Strangely, I don't recall you dismissing the Tea Party on those grounds.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Those damned Changes

What's Mallard raving about today?

The USPS

I ask Mallard to cite statistics to prove that the USPS delivers mail to the wrong address at a statistically significant rate. This is not my experience of the USPS, but I accept that my experience is simply a point sampling. Mallard must obviously have data to back up his claim, or he'd simply be a fucking liar. And we all know...OK, here's where I can no longer keep a straight face.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

That damned Common Ground

What's Mallard raving about today?

Pets, Taxes, President Obama

Mark the day down. Today is the day Mallard Fillmore, tax-lover and heretic, was excommunicated by the GOP.

Friday, October 21, 2011

That damned Story

What's Mallard raving about today?

Pets, Hallowe'en

Mallard thinks that average Americans deserve a break not a lecture. Except that he likes to lecture people on what he considers acceptable behavior, rather than preferring to allow the Free Market to make those decisions.

Mallard is a liar, hypocrite, and Socialist.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Those damned Dogs

What's Mallard raving about today?

Dogs

Meanwhile, most lies on the comics pages are caused by dressing a duck in a tweed jacket and no pants.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Those damned Costumes

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hallowe'en

Congratulations to Mallard Fillmore for finding a new high water mark for creepiness.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

That damned Radish

What's Mallard raving about today?

Liberals, Whole Foods

Oh, man. It's going to be a whole week of pithy observations which Mallard thinks are contradictory about Whole Foods shoppers. Wake me next week.

Monday, October 17, 2011

That damned Birkenfoods

What's Mallard raving about today?

Volvos, Bumper Stockers.

Mallard, when you pulled this off the shelf because you just didn't feel like writing something new today, did it not occur to you to replace "Volvo" with "Prius" so it sounds like you wrote it this decade?

For God's sake, do we have to do everything for you?

In that vein...here's a fun challenge for the comments: re-write this using fewer than the approximately 50 words it took Mallard.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

That damned funding

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hippies, Congressional Funding

Yet another Fillmore Foundation study reinforces the prejudice of the study's sponsor, without any facts behind it. Shocking.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

That damned Subsidy

What's Mallard raving about today?

Subsidies, Solyndra, Ethanol

Fascinating that subsidies to the most profitable companies on earth (oil companies) didn't make Mallard's newspaper.

Did I say "fascinating"? I meant "predictable."

Friday, October 14, 2011

Those damned Guidelines

What's Mallard raving about today?

CFLs

Throw it in the trash.

Apparently it takes Mallard several years to read that sentence. I am not surprised.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

That damned Study

What's Mallard raving about today?

Voters, President Obama

The Fillmore Foundation: Producing fake studies supporting conclusions which, surprisingly, support the entrenched views of its ideological masters since whenever Mallard's fevered imagination first came up with the idea for a fake foundation.

Exactly like every actual Right Wing "Think" Tank in existence.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

That damned Demographic

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Voters

Mallard Fillmore: People only voted for President Obama because he is Black. Wait, why are you calling me a racist?

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

That damned Book

What's Mallard raving about today?

Ron Suskind, President Obama

Hmmmmmm, I don't recall Mallard's footnoted reference to Suskind's writing about President Bush, but I am sure he gave equal space and credence to Suskind when he was writing about a Republican President. because otherwise Mallard would be a total hypocrite and an intellectual lightweight and, well...we all know that can't be the case.

By the way, I refuse to believe that Mallard read a book. Shouldn't he be citing what Townhall told him the book said?

Monday, October 10, 2011

That damned Card

What's Mallard raving about today?

Greeting Cards, Unemployment, President Obama

The Mallard Fillmore process:

  • Step 1. Find item in newspaper
  • Step 2. Create a tenuous link to something to which I am opposed.
  • Step 3. Find prior artwork that can be re-used.
  • Step 4. Express the link from step 2 using the most words possible.

Sunday, October 09, 2011

Saturday, October 08, 2011

Those damned Democrats

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama

Mallard Fillmore, for once, hits close to the heart of the actual problem.

Mind you, if anyone pointed out that the issue is that Democrats don't understand why President Obama is sacrificing what is right for the country in a vain attempt to compromise with extremists who care more for party than the country, Mallard's head would expose.

So, you know, someone point that out to him.

Friday, October 07, 2011

That damned Debate

What's Mallard raving about today?

Don't Ask Don't Tell, Colleges

Let's compare lists of college professors fired for that reason and service members discharged just for being gay, OK?

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

That damned Yellow Dog

What's Mallard raving about today?

Yellow Dog Democrats

Frankly I have no idea what this is about and given the fact that Mallard felt the need to label everything in sight, I'm pretty sure he knows no one will understand either.

Of course, the unspoken message here is that Republicans, largely responsible for the multiple messes we're in, want to continue doing more of the same stuff because it's worked out so well to this point.

But, you know, Democrats, amiright?

Tuesday, October 04, 2011

That damned Help

What's Mallard raving about today?

Solyndra

This Middle Class voter (or uninsured person), left to die by Republicans, tries another tactic.

Sadly for him, he did not claim to be a Bank. Or Haliburton. Or Blackwater.

Monday, October 03, 2011

That damned Solyndra

What's Mallard raving about today?

Solyndra

Mallard Fillmore never uttered a single harsh word as Wall Street fell apart when pools of loans went south and took the entire world's economy with it.

He never said a word when the Bush Administration simply lost billions of dollars in Iraq and Afghanistan, with no accounting for where they went.

But he's absolutely aghast over the latest Right Wing non-troversy that 100% of the loan guarantees intended to stimulate America's Green Energy industry have not turned out perfectly.

The hypocrisy and lack of intellectual honesty is simply staggering.

Sunday, October 02, 2011

That damned Columnist

What's Mallard raving about today?

Katie Pavlich

Mallard Fillmore once more demonstrates his parochialism, believing anyone other than the Teabagger readers of Townhall have heard of this columnist. Also his belief that her writing are based on facts, which would make her unique at that particular website.

Saturday, October 01, 2011

That damned Thing

What's Mallard raving about today?

Television

Rootbeer called it: "Oh god, this is start of a story line where he goes shopping for a new flatscreen widescreen tallscreen 1040g 80Hz 3-D LZD HBTV, isn't it?"

Friday, September 30, 2011

That damned TV

What's Mallard raving about today?

Television, technology.

Mallard doesn't understand what a nervous breakdown is and apparently believes it is some sort of age-related disease. Sort of like the early-onset dementia from which he, himself, suffers.

Alternate, equally-plausible, reading: Mallard's television has seen the equivalent of 112 years of usage since 1993.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

That damned iPhone

What's Mallard raving about today?

iPhone

Apple releases an iPhone once per year, Mallard. You are an idiot.

Also, why do you hate the Free Market?

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

That damned Treatment

What's Mallard raving about today?

Muslims

It takes a special brand of ass-hattery to look at Muslims fighting for their freedom against tyrannical rule and then produce something as mean-spirited as today's Mallard Fillmore.

But, I suppose we have a right to feel completely superior.

I mean ours was a 100% bloodless revolution in which we asked politely for our freedom and our White brethren in England said "sure, no problem." And it's not like America has ever suffered from internal divisions so large that it caused a bloody Civil War. What's wrong with these Muslims? Why can't they be more like us?

By the way, Mallard Fillmore is not a racist.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Those damned Revolutions

What's Mallard raving about today?

Arab Uprisings

If a Republican or Fox support it, we're for it. Otherwise, we're against it. Was that really so hard?

Sunday, September 25, 2011

That Damned Voldemort

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Democrats

Unlike Republican candidates who refuse to distance themselves from Teabaggers who cheer mass killing, yearn for the death of the uninsured, and boo gay soldiers. One must assume they support these Teabagger values as a result.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

That damned Designer Cupcake

What's Mallard raving about today?

Cupcakes

Yes. Mallard missed the "designer cupcake" boom. Wink. Wink.

This is about the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell, right? Because otherwise, Mallard Fillmore is a fucking lunatic.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Those damned subsidies

What's Mallard raving about today?

Chevy Volt, Government Subsidies.

Remember when Republicans refused to end subsidies to the most profitable companies in the history of the world? And remember how Mallard screeched about Big Government and Federal subsidies during that debate?

Yeah, me neither.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Those damned Extremists

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teabaggers, The Media

I hit refresh 3 times before I realized this was actually different from yesterday.

Teabaggers are no less extremist today than they were yesterday. And this is no less a complete lie than it was yesterday.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

That damned Scare

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teabaggers, The Media

I'm reasonably certain this is a repeat of an earlier panel by Mallard. In any event, no attempt to portray Teabaggers as harmless little old ladies changes their actual character, which is nothing like that. The Teabagger party is just a refuge for the most extremist elements of the Republican Party wanting to give voice to all of their darkest impulses.

The only part of this that reflects reality is that this Teabagger is insane and/or a delusional believer in Fox Propaganda. How else to explain the fact that she suddenly became "Taxed Enough Already" when President Obama took office and lowered her taxes.

Also, CNN just aired a Teabagger Debate, you idiot.

Monday, September 19, 2011

That damned Status Quo

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama

Mallard's concern trolling is touching, but laughable...but I am too busy right now to bother commenting. Please eviscerate in the comments.,

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Those damned Jobs

What's Mallard raving about today?

Jobs, Economists

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! People are unemployed. Hilarious.

I wonder what could be to blame for the lack of jobs?




Friday, September 16, 2011

That damned ATF

What's Mallard raving about today?

The ATF

The best you could think of to draw was a duck head with a smirk that practically demands the reader reach out to smack it off?

Thursday, September 15, 2011

That damned Dream

What's Mallard raving about today?

TV

Mallard Fillmore hates the Free Market. And TV.

And yet, it is his sole source of companionship and "information" (aka Lies). He spends 20+ hours per day with TV.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Those damned Gaffes

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Media, Joe Biden

You lie, Mallard. Fox is too busy fainting over the alarming fact that the President used a binder clip to cover the Vice President.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

That damned charge

What's Mallard raving about today?

Restaurants

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Exhibit A in the Mallard Fillmore parade of strange and petty grievances about the world around him.

Monday, September 12, 2011

That damned Comparison

What's Mallard raving about today?

Al Gore, Global Warming, Liberals

Meanwhile, Governor Rick Perry compared his denial of climate change to Galileo Galilei, officially demonstrating that Know-Nothingness is now a litmus test for Republican aspirants.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Sept 11, 2001

What's Mallard talking about today?

Out of respect for the victims of 9/11, including those Men and Women who died in a subsequent and totally unnecessary and unrelated war, I won't comment on Mallard Fillmore.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

That damned King

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Economy, Burger King

Mallard Fillmore finds unemployment funny. Not that he's heartless. It's just that unemployed people are funny.

Friday, September 09, 2011

That damned Advisor

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, The Economy.

The Republicans, by contrast, simply don;t care about the economy because the Koch brothers are doing just fine.

Thursday, September 08, 2011

Those damned Mobs

What's Mallard raving about today?

Sociology, Flash Mobs

Much better to study journalism and spend your life drawing poorly and not making jokes (or sense).

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

That damned Riddance

What's Mallard raving about today?

NBC News, Western Civilization

Mallard Fillmore believes that NBC News, part of NBC Universal, a joint venture of Comcast and General Electric, desires the end of Western Civilization.

Question for the Comments: Name something less tethered to reality than Mallard Fillmore.

Tuesday, September 06, 2011

That damned Europe

What's Mallard raving about today?

Europe

Mallard Fillmore decides he should continue demonstrating his lack of understanding of, well...pretty much everything.

Monday, September 05, 2011

Those damned Goats

What's Mallard raving about today?

Goats, Europe.

Because Europe is the one with a band of lunatics bent on destroying the Global economy by suggesting the United States should default on it's debt.

Sunday, September 04, 2011

That damned Pastime

What's Mallard raving about today?

Baseball, Football

Mallard's attitude toward sports and politics is the same. Despite all evidence to the contrary, he assumes everyone agrees with him.

Saturday, September 03, 2011

That damned Teacher

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teachers

Mallard Fillmore in a nutshell: Draconian cuts to education (which could have been avoided had we eliminated tax breaks for the wealthy) result in layoffs. But it's the seniority system in Education that's to blame.

I find it hard to imagine anyone could actually be as unintelligent as Mallard Fillmore. Then he publishes his thoughts every day in comic form and I have to realize I am being terribly optimistic.

Friday, September 02, 2011

That damned Base

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, NBC, CBS, ABC, CNN

Wait, what? I thought Obama supporters were supposed to be mindless automatons under his Svengali-like sway?

Thursday, September 01, 2011

That damned Election

What's Mallard raving about today?

Elections

It doesn't happen often, but I have no disagreement with Mallard Fillmore today.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

That damned Imagination

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Americans

Melty-face President Obama is wrong. If you want things to get better you have to rout the crazies out of power.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Those damned Ratings

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, The Media

You know, Mallard, even if I were to accept your blatant lie that the Media have been in any way silent about President Obama's approval ratings, this is pretty ironic criticism for someone who never once mentioned President Bush's approval ratings (which were half of what President Obama's are).

Monday, August 29, 2011

That damned Affront

What's Mallard raving about today?

Television

Dude is watching Fox...although not on any sort of television I've ever seen.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Saturday, August 27, 2011

That damned Bond Rating

What's Mallard raving about today?

Incumbents, the Debt Ceiling

Hey Mallard? Remember when you were talking about how terrible it was that the actions of Congress caused S&P to downgrade the US Debt rating? Just yesterday?

So, what do you imagine would have happened to our rating if the US had defaulted on our debt?

You can't have it both ways.

But, thanks for illustrating the largest part of the reason why S&P downgraded us, because a group of ignoramuses is dominating our political process.

Friday, August 26, 2011

That damned Downgrade

What's Mallard raving about today?

S&P

Hey Mallard, I know that's the Right Wing Talking point, but if you'd actually read their reasoning you'd have noticed the part in there where they say the fact that Republicans were willing to consider default was a major part of the reason for the downgrade.

Also, let's not forget this is the same agency that was giving CDOs AAA ratings right up to the very end.

So, you know, fuck off.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

That damned Weather

What's Mallard raving about today?

Weather, Global Warming.

Has Mallard stopped watching Fox? Because on Fox, winter storms were proof that Global Warning is not occurring while the summer heat waves indicated nothing at all.

Meanwhile in the reality-based world, where people pay attention to things like Science and Facts, both summer and winter were indications of Climate change brought about, largely, by human activity.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

That damned Year

What's Mallard raving about today?

Arab Spring

Wow, even when not being an utter ass hat, Mallard's timing is just lousy.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Those damned Fries

What's Mallard raving about today?

The FDA, Fast Food.

The rate of smoking in the United States has decreased from 42.4% (in 1965) to 20.8% (in 2007).

Mallard Fillmore longs for those halcyon days when almost half the population was giving themselves cancer.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Those damned Comics

What's Mallard raving about today?

Comics, Education

Pick your snark today:

  • "Questions about realism from a strip about a newscaster duck?"
  • "Reality and Mallard Fillmore? Never met."
  • "The solution? Step 1. De-fund schools. Step 2. Give the money to the wealthy and corporations. Step 3. Step 4. Better Schools!"

Saturday, August 20, 2011

That damned Commission

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Budget-Cutting Super Friends Committee

Congratulations, Washington, on coming up with a solution that literally no one likes and literally no one thinks will actually work.

We promise, however, we'll try to act shocked when the Republicans hold everyone hostage again and when Democrats utterly capitulate again.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

That damned Option

What's Mallard raving about today?

Technical Support

If you didn't vote Republican Perhaps all those job creators they shower tax breaks on would staff call centers with Americans, rather than low-wage foreign workers in other countries.

The fact that you're a technical illiterate is your own fault.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

That damned Sign

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama

That's right, because President Obama is the obstructionist preventing any and all change (except that which benefits the Koch brothers).

Monday, August 15, 2011

That damned Veneer

What's Mallard raving about today?

Politics, compromise.

Mallard is confusing me. I sure hope he's not complaining about Republicans compromising, cause that would indicate he's suffering from delusions.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

That damned Hatred

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Employers.

I defy you to name one concrete example of an Obama policy that is not business-friendly.

I'll wait...

Friday, August 12, 2011

That damned Belief

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Debt.

Given that Mallard Fillmore did not say anything while the debt was being run up, he has no standing to criticize now.

Getting up on my soapbox for a bit here, this has never been about debt or Government Spending. If so, the national conversation would have started when the debt started piling up and not on January 20, 2009.

This is and always has been about who benefits from Government Spending and now that a Democrat is in office, Republicans worry that Government Spending might not benefit the right people (them and their direct financial contributors) at which point it has to be shut down.

I'm going to say it right now: when the Super Commission fails at its work, the spending cut triggers kick in, and the GOP introduce a Bill to restore Defense Spending (because, don't you support the Troops?)...anyone who does not immediately and without qualification denounce them and their actions is never allowed to speak about deficit spending ever again. Because you don't get to care about it, but only until it affects one of your sacred cows. Because then you're just a hypocrite.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

That damned Prince

What's Mallard raving about today?

Government

Mallard Fillmore is admitting he's an Anarchist.

Why do you hate the Founding Fathers, Mallard?

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

Monday, August 08, 2011

That damned Show

What's Mallard raving about today?

Dave Ramsey, Uncle Sam

Well, our problem is now obvious. Uncle Sam is eating money rather than spending it.

For the record...I had to look up Dave Ramsey to find out that he's some sort of syndicated Financial guru who emphasizes debt reduction. Because personal household finances and the finances of the United States Government are exactly the same.

Sunday, August 07, 2011

That damned Toilet

What's Mallard raving about today?

Toilet Seats, Feminism

Seriously? You're equating toilet seat etiquette with gender equality?

Plus, you're saying you're a man who cares where the toilet seat is left. In other words, you're admitting you're a petty douche bag.

Which comes as a real shock to me, I can tell you.

Saturday, August 06, 2011

That damned Tactic

What's Mallard raving about today?

Scare Tactics, President Obama, Social Security

One day after scaring people about Social Security...this?

Seriously, I think Mallard is becoming schizophrenic.

Thursday, August 04, 2011

That damned Gold

What's Mallard raving about today?

Gold

Yeah, well, stop watching Glenn Beck, then.

The irony here is that Mallard favors the party representing never-ending tax cuts to the wealthiest people in America and cuts to programs for the Poor and Middle Class.

And sees no contradiction between any of this.

Wednesday, August 03, 2011

Those damned People

What's Mallard raving about today?

Taxes, President Obama

Usually we only see this bit of faux outrage around Tax day. Here Mallard turns it into something of purest boredom.

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

That damned Shock

What's Mallard raving about today?

Casey Anthony, The Economy.

How long until President Obama's rogue teleprompter shows up in this Casey Anthony sequence?

Monday, August 01, 2011

That damned Career

What's Mallard raving about today?

Casey Anthony

I want to remind you that this is the same Mallard Fillmore who was recently saying that minorities do worse in school because they watch too much television.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

That damned Soup

What's Mallard raving about today?

Cavemen, Soup.

Isn't that cute. Mallard is trying to use a scientific term. Of course, he has no idea what he's talking about, but it's still cute.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Those damned Jobs

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama

Having, as far as he can tell, plumbed the depth of humor available in the rogue teleprompter series, mallard moves on to criticize President Obama for wanting a second term.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

That damned Location

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama

This is the raving of an unhinged mad man/duck.

An unhinged mad man without anything legitimate to gripe about, so he's wildly inventing things to gripe about.

It might be sad, if Mallard were worth of even the smallest amount of sympathy...but he's not.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

That damned Teleprompter

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Teleprompters

Someone wake me when this particular series of gripes is over.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

That damned Inheritance

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Accents

Some of you, eh? Seriously, Mallard, you're not only the only one talking about this, you're also the only one who is bothered by it.

With the Economy lagging, the US about to default on its debt, three wars, and a host of other ills facing us...Mallard is bothered about the way someone speaks.

Congratulations, newspapers everywhere, for setting aside space for this cutting-edge commentary.

Monday, July 25, 2011

That damned Arugula

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama.

Mallard Fillmore hates politicians who speak differently when campaigning or when addressing the public.

Mallard Fillmore hates President Reagan and Winston Churchill...to name just two people.

The only funny thing about today's effort by Mallard is that he believe anyone cares about this particular gripe.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

That damned Desire

What's Mallard raving about today?

Human Interaction, Politics.

The person closest to Mallard asks for human contact, human interaction.

Mallard, instead, provides a lame political "joke."

Anyone surprised?

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Friday, July 22, 2011

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Monday, July 18, 2011

Sunday, July 17, 2011

That damned Jeffrey

What's Mallard raving about today?

Social Networking.

Ummm, OK. So, Jeffrey is using his computer, staring at it with an expression of deepest rage, and ignoring his wife and visitor.

Anyone else feel like we're deep into creepy unintentional self-revelation territory here?

By the way, break...not a lecture.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

That damned Email

What's Mallard raving about today?

Email, Emoticons.

Mallard has found that, somehow, his racist Emails followed by a winky emoticon have not been fully understood as just a joke, because some of his best friends are black, don't you know.

In other news, ordinary folks deserve a break, not a lecture.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Thursday, July 14, 2011

What's Mallard raving about today?

Television.

If you though there was no way Mallard could top yesterday, you won't believe today.

Unintentional though it may be, this is as truthful as Mallard Fillmore has ever been.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

That damned Disclaimer

What's Mallard raving about today?

Television

One day after decrying minorities as lazy, TV-watching slobs, Mallard Fillmore (with no hint of irony) can be found sitting in front of his television, too lazy to change the channel.

Honestly, how does Mallard's head not explode?

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

That damned Entertainment

What's Mallard raving about today?

Minorities, Entertainment, Education.

So says the duck who spends 17 hours a day in front of the TV.

But, Mallard, minorities everywhere thank you for your concern trolling. It's very sweet of you, really it is.

Monday, July 11, 2011

That damned Address

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Michelle Obama, Michele Bachman

Mallard Fillmore announces that his support is behind Rep. Michele Bachman (R-Mars).

All I can say about that Mallard is I hope she is the GOP nominee.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

That damned Prequel

What's Mallard raving about today?

Superheroes.

The last person I am going to listen to about comic book movie adaptations is Mallard Fillmore.

Saturday, July 09, 2011

That damned Coverage

What's Mallard raving about today?

Americans, The Media, Scandals

So says Mallard, who has spent at least half of 2011 splayed in front of the TV, irradiating his crotch.

By the way, ordinary people deserve a break, not a lecture. Asshole.

Friday, July 08, 2011

Those damned Producers

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Media, Hollywood, Scandals

Mallard will be in front of the TV, complaining bitterly, while watching every episode end-to-end.

Thursday, July 07, 2011

Those damned Heels

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Media, Scandals, Wives.

Today, Mallard Fillmore says something that never needed saying.

Taking over 30 words to say it.

And, to make matters even better, he's now said the same thing 3 days in a row.

Wednesday, July 06, 2011

That damed Zoom

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Media, Sex Scandals.

You know, I wish Mallard had not gone with "zoom in" in reference to Anthony Wiener's crotch shot. I really do.

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

That damned Coverage

What's Mallard raving about today?

Media Coverage

When Mallard Fillmore thinks the media have gone too far covering a sex scandal involving a Democratic politician, CNN should be really, really, really ashamed of themselves.

Sunday, July 03, 2011

That Damned Bad News

What's Mallard raving about today?

U.S. History, Americans

First two pieces of bad news are both uncited and as likely pulled from cloaca as based in actual fact.

The second, especially, sounds very much like a Fox fact (e.g., a Lie).

The third, is notable because 100% of these High School Students spent their Elementary and Middle School years under policies from the Bush Administration during a period in which Republicans controlled virtually all the levers of Government.

Which is to say that I am sure this is all the Democrats fault.

By the way, on this 4th of July, Mallard would prefer you have a lecture, rather than a break.

Saturday, July 02, 2011

That damned Shovel

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Economy, President Obama

President Obama is going to dig the economy out of the grave Republicans put it into?

Friday, July 01, 2011

Those damned Seconds

What's Mallard raving about today?

Sara Palin, The Media.

Would still be better than watching Fox's Palin Masturbation Minute.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

That damned Ceiling

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Debt Ceiling

When?

When you buy a house. Or a car. Or put something on your credit card.

The point Mallard is not that the government should never rack up debt. It should rack up debt only for the right thing. You know, things which don't include:
  • Unnecessary Tax Breaks for Millionaires & Billionaires which do nothing to stimulate the Economy
  • A Drug Benefit Program, unpaid for, written by and for the benefit of drug companies
  • Unnecessary Wars with no end in sight

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

That damned Golf

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama

So we're making fun of President Obama for golfing now?

Really scraping the bottom of the barrel, eh?