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Sunday, November 30, 2008

That damned cell phone

What's Mallard raving about today?

Cell Phones.

No, Mallard. That has nothing to do with talking on your phone while driving.

It has to do with the fact that you don't call your "friends" except when you have nothing else to do.

It has to do with the fact that you spend the entire call underscoring their lack of importance to you.

Truthfully, about the only insight on display today is the unintentional self-revelation that Mallard has no least not using the standard definition of "friend". Given his personality, however, this is not exactly surprising.

Friday, November 28, 2008

That damned status quo

What's Mallard raving about today?

Racism, Southern Whites, Blacks.

Finally, Mallard gets around to commenting on the election, and his first comment is...complete made up horse crap.

Seriously, can someone point to credible media commentary claiming that the Southern White vote, which was not significantly different for President-Elect Obama than for Senator Kerry, was based on racism?

Thursday, November 27, 2008

That damned Pilgrim

What's Mallard raving about today?

Pilgrims, Turkey.

Moments later, Prudence's husband was carried away by a mob and burned at the stake as a warlock for predicting the future. Little did the Pilgrims know that his prediction would, in fact, come true.

Also, sadly, the first Thanksgiving marked the extinction of the New World's rare talking turkeys.

Happy Thanksgiving, all.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

That damned leader

What's Mallard raving about today?

Leaders, meetings.

So, in this little metaphor, the Turkeys are the Americans (led by Barack Obama) and the Pilgrims are the Iranians (led by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad)?

The Pilgrims are the Iranians?


Mallard is losing his mind.

Meta-Post: AdSense

Just a brief note that at some point I am going to put Google ads somewhere on the site, at least for a while.

It's something I am doing as research for my job, not because I want to (or need to) make money from this blog...not to mention that I can't really expect to make much money.

At any rate, I apologize in advance if the ads are in any way annoying to readers.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

That damned thanks

What's Mallard raving about today?

Thanksgiving, Schools.

Despite Mallard's obvious attempt to suggest that those damned Secular Humanists in Public Schools are ruining Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving is a secular holiday to begin with.

It's called Thanksgiving after all, not Thank the Christian God.

Unless Mallard is suggesting that being grateful is a uniquely Christian capability. Which is an idiotic suggestion, but I would not put it past him.

Monday, November 24, 2008

That damned Present

What's Mallard raving about today?

Thanksgiving, Then and Now.

Ah, the Past. Superior to the Present in every way, especially when, like Mallard, you romanticize it into a Utopia that never in fact existed.

As to the complaint at hand, Mallard, perhaps if Republicans had not created a world in which everyone needed to work three jobs to survive, that couple would have time to cook.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Those damned Pilgrims

What's Mallard raving about today?

Pilgrims, Xenophobes, Guns, Religion.

I spent the last 8 years being described as a traitor, as a terrorist sympathizer, as Anti-American, and more recently as a Socialist/Marxist by extension.

So any whiny babies who are offended about Obama's statement that they cling to religion and guns out of bitterness can seriously just get over it already, because I could care less about their poor little hurt feelings.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

That damned Congress

What's Mallard raving about today?

Congress, The President.

I am pretty sure Mallard intended to whine about the fact that President Bush was blamed for everything that happened to the country during his 8 year tenure, whereas the Democratic Congress of the last 2 years was not blamed in the same way.

What he actually whined about, however, is the difference between having 1 person versus 535 people representing a branch of the government.

Friday, November 21, 2008

That damned Insanity

What's Mallard raving about today?

The BCS, Insanity.

You know what doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is the opposite of?


You want an example of doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result?

Voting for John McCain.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Those damned days

What's Mallard raving about today?

Christmas, The Economy.

Reasonably speaking, today's effort would have been written either in the last few days before a historic election or in the days just after a historic election.

And this is what Mallard chooses to whinge about?

Par for the course. Depressing as all hell. But par for the course.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

That damned belief

What's Mallard raving about today?

Belief, Hope, Change, Jobs.

President-Elect Obama makes people hopeful for the future. President-Elect Obama promises the possibility of change after 8 years of fear-mongering divisiveness. President-Elect Obama may help foster an economy that creates jobs in America, unlike his predecessor.

Mallard does not want to live in a world like that!

I said it before, I'll say it again. Mallard hates hope.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

That damned Santa

What's Mallard raving about today?

Milestones, Christmas.

Mallad fires the first shot in Bill O'Reilly's vaunted War on Christmas.

Alternately: Why does Mallard hate the free market so much?

Monday, November 17, 2008

That damned economy

What's Mallard raving about today?

The economy, The Media, the Election.

Mallard has a point. The Presidency may be many things, but all-powerful it is not, and President Bush cannot be singled out for blame, especially when it comes to the Economy.

Pretty much the entire Republican Party and Conservative Movement are to blame as well.

That said, he is missing the main culprit: the Economy itself. The Economy, which has a well-known liberal bias, was totally in the tank for Obama.

Unfortunately for Mallard, American voters gave in to their fears about the Economy and did not follow his simple, by irrefutable logic:
  • Things suck.
  • President Bush and Republicans have been in control for most of the last 8 years.
  • Ergo, maintain the status quo!
I am surprised that message was not a winning formula. I am certain, however, that it was someone else's fault.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

That damned chihuahua

What's Mallard raving about today?

Some groups, Cartoon characters.

Some groups, eh?
Tony the Tiger, and Snap, Crackle and Pop have been branded "cartoon villains" by a U.K. consumer watchdog called Which? for failing to promote healthy eating in children.
I defy you to name the second group, and justify the use of the plural.

Would you like to compare the number of "groups" going after cartoon characters which promote obesity to the number of groups who actively promoted the complete falsehood that Barack Obama was a Muslim in an attempt to frighten people into voting for John McCain?

While we're at it, we can discuss the relative harm of the two "groups".

Also, I suspect Pastor Martin Niemöller would never stop throwing up if he knew how Mallard was trivializing his famous quote.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

That damned SRAM

What's Mallard raving about today?


Apparently SRAM's Marketing budget only allows for product placement in Mallard Fillmore.

On a more serious note, reading Mallard Fillmore is often a lot like reading the diary of a demented person.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Those damned concerns

What's Mallard raving about today?

Federal employees, Bureaucracy

Dear Mallard,

You hate everything and everyone, indiscriminately, and express said hatred without any cleverness or humor. In other words, you suck at your job.

Which brings us to your inability to see irony in things like your complaint about Federal Employee's job performance...

Thursday, November 13, 2008

That damned label

What's Mallard raving about today?

Racism, the Election.

The fact that this is the lesson Mallard drew from the 2008 election tells you everything you need to know about Mallard.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Those damned pollsters

What's Mallard raving about today?


Uhhhh, Mallard...pollsters don't rate things.

They report on the percentages of people who respond in a certain way to questions.

In other words, they poll.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Monday, November 10, 2008

Those damned Heroes

What's Mallard raving about today?


Much like his obsession regarding singer-songwriters, Mallard often assumes everyone has the same pet peeves and opinions about TV as he does, and finds this fertile ground for material.

Personally, I find it parochial at best. At worst, it is a disturbing indication of the assumption of homogeneity of thought which a Right Wing water-carrier perceives as "reality."

You know what I mean, the homogeneity of thought in which George Bush is still a genius President.

Sunday, November 09, 2008

That damned interlude

What's Mallard raving about today?


Random comments in no particular order...

Mallard's TV remote speaks the word "click." That's just weird.

No. No no no no no. Mallard crotch shot? Oh, dear God, no.

The Fillmore Foundation? For what? The promotion of stupidity and generalized hatred or rage?

I think we can look forward to at least a month of Republicans tearing each other apart after this complete repudiation, leading them to the conclusion that they lost because they "weren't conservative enough" all the while eating Sarah Palin alive and making her the scapegoat for the loss after months of saying she was electrifying the electorate. Frankly, I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Saturday, November 08, 2008

That damned songwriter

What's Mallard raving about today?

Singer Songwriters.

4 days after a historic election, Mallard decides it's time to return to bitching about nothing in particular, just his general hatred of humanity in general and his hatred of hippies in particular.

And to do this, he posits a scenario in which scientists (the same scientists he derides constantly regarding climate change) trace an event from the future back to an event in our past.

How irrelevant is Mallard trying to be?

Friday, November 07, 2008

That damned racist code

What's Mallard raving about today?

Racism, Mainstream Media.

The racism at McCain/Palin rallies wasn't terribly hard to spot, Mallard. And most of it wasn't coded, unless you count "kill him" as code.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Those damned thoughts

What's Mallard raving about today?

John McCain, Barack Obama.

Whereas Mallard will simply continue pretending to have any sort of insight and relevance.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

That damned result

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Election.

Of course. Conservatism did not fail. It never fails.

It was failed by the candidates who were simply not Conservative enough.

That said, I am glad to see Walter Williams get one last moment in the sun, so to speak. For anyone who started reading this blog after January of 2007, I suggest you treat yourselves to one of the most insane periods in Mallard history. Start here and just keep reading.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Metapost: Obama Landslide!

Barack Obama wins with a massive mandate!

Sanity returns to America after a very, very, very long exile.

On a personal note, I look forward to 4 years of Mallard Fillmore strips denouncing President Obama's racism and watching as Mallard descends to a level of unhinged wingnuttery not previously believed possible.

Those damned Judges

What's Mallard raving about today?


This is what Mallard chooses to run on Election day? A panel basically saying: "Hey, everyone, you're stupid."

Now, excuse me while I try to figure out where Judge Roddy McGillvrey's beanie went.

Monday, November 03, 2008

That damned Bradley Effect

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Media, The Bradley Effect.

The mainstream media asks poll questions and has reported on the existence of a Bradley Effect theory.

So what exactly is their crime?

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Those damned pollsters

What's Mallard raving about today?

Polls, The Election.

Is it just me or does John McCain seem to be closing his eyes and wishing very, very hard?

Saturday, November 01, 2008

That damned factory

What's Mallard raving about today?

Bumper Stickers

I'm pretty sure that factory's running comfortable with a huge run of "Don't Blame Me, I voted for McCain" Stickers.