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Wednesday, December 31, 2008

That damned Father Time

What's Mallard raving about today?

Father Time, Unions.

Worst. Metaphor. Ever.

There is one "Father Time" at any given time.

Unions provide individuals the power of collective bargaining.


Tuesday, December 30, 2008

That damned Lincoln Society

What's Mallard raving about today?

Abraham Lincoln, Illinois.

Considering this is precisely the whisper-based smear campaign which is being waged against the upcoming 44th President, with roughly the same level of actual evidence, today's Mallard is heavily ironic.

Monday, December 29, 2008

That damned Illinois

What's Mallard raving about today?

Illinois Politicians.

As Mallard reaches fever pitch regarding how soon-to-be-ex-Governor Blagojevich represents the end to America as we know it for getting arrested (for attempting to abuse his power, because he was also a complete moron), I want to remind everyone how Mallard dealt with Larry Craig getting arrested for soliciting sex in a public bathroom and Mark Foley for soliciting sex from underage congressional aides.

Hey, Mallard, one difference you will note...Democrats from every corner are unapologetically calling for Blagojevich to get the hell out of office, politics, and the party.

Very unlike how Republicans deal with their scandals, which generally requires voters to clean up (cough, Ted Stevens, cough) their house.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

That damned Business Plan

What's Mallard raving about today?

Business, Government bailouts.

Mallard is criticizing business for stupid business plans which lead to failure.

Just days earlier it was heresy to oppose "commerce"?

Saturday, December 27, 2008

That damned gift card

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Economy, Gift Cards.

Businesses are failing and it's inconveniencing Mallard! Hilarious.

On another note: Open this gift card. What does that even mean?

Friday, December 26, 2008

Those damned Taxes

What's Mallard raving about today?

Property Taxes, Government.

Laws in most states that prevent big tax hikes when property values soar also block big tax drops when values sink.
Mallard made no mention of this during the entire housing boom. How surprising that he's suddenly concerned.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas!

Everyone have a safe, happy, and healthy Christmas!

Although it's exactly as tame as you would expect, I suggest you do not taint your day by reading Mallard.

Only do so if you must.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

That damned commerce

What's Mallard raving about today?

Bill Richardson, Barack Obama, Commerce.


More than 53% of the American people, primarily concerned with the Economy, chose Barack Obama for President.

The "many Americans" to which Mallard is referring may come from the Know Nothing Wing of the Republican Party, the lobotomized followers of Fox, or the irrationally angry zombie hordes commanded by Bill O'Reilly.

Monday, December 22, 2008

That damned recycling

What's Mallard raving about today?

Recycling, President Clinton, Barack Obama.

After 8 years of Nixon retreads, leading to Nixon-like results (only with less competence), I have no complaints as long as the Bush Administration gets the hell out of office.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

That damned date

What's Mallard raving about today?


It's December 21st, Mallard.

The fact that it is the last Sunday panel before Christmas is no excuse when the plan is to draw a gray pudding-like landscape and a star.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

That damned card

What's Mallard raving about today?

Christmas Cards, Speech Codes.

It's OK that the card has no words, Mallard kindly provided so many more words than necessary the card can borrow some.

Mallard, here's my gift to example of how to do the same thing, only better. It does not make it good, mind you. Just better.
This card is blank so there's no way
It violates limits on what you can say.
Since there are no words to see
It's sentiment is completely PC.
That took me 5 minutes. You're a hack.

Friday, December 19, 2008

That damned ring tone

What's Mallard raving about today?

Ring tones.

Words cannot do justice to the dementia driving Mallard Fillmore into a pervasive hatred of everything around him, coupled with an irrational belief that he speaks for the Common Man.

Seriously, Mallard, seek help.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

That damned Holiday Special

What's Mallard raving about today?

Holiday Specials.

Man, Mallard is extra-strength cranky this Holiday.

He's so pissed off by the fact that it is the Holidays he's stopped complaining about Democrats.

Still, whenever strips like this appear, I like to remind myself that a newspaper somewhere paid good money to put it on its OpEd page out of some notion of political balance.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

That damned Lawn

What's Mallard raving about today?

Christmas, the Economy.

Apparently Mallard does not understand how money or the Economy works.

Once Mr. Hauersperger purchases decorations, they are his to use in subsequent years, no matter what shape the Economy is in.

That aside, I am glad to see that Mr. Hauersperger's Blackberry Thumb has not affected his holiday spirit.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

That damned plane

What's Mallard raving about today?

Washington Post, Washington Times. Barack Obama

There can be no other possible explanation...

For example, it's not possible that "Reporters, photographers and editors found the candidacy of Obama, the first African American major-party nominee, more newsworthy and historic."

Because that would be just silly.

That said, this revelation proves that since Sarah Palin got more coverage than Joe Biden, there was clear Media bias in favor of Republicans. So I think we're even.

Monday, December 15, 2008

That damned heresy

What's Mallard raving about today?

Heresy, Christmas, Oprah.

Today's panel falls squarely into the Creepiest Unintentional Self-Revelation category, with a touch of Dog Whistle politics thrown in.

Based on the structure of today's panel, Mallard is drawing an clear equivalency between "Oprah" and every other religion on that list (except, of course, Christianity).

What he is really saying, of course, is that other than Christianity, all religions are heresy. But even he's not stupid enough to actually say this outright.

He is too stupid to choose Oprah, rather than something like Scientology, which claims religious status but everyone enjoys making fun of.

Mind you 300-400 years ago, Mallard would have been burned at the stake as a heretic and a warlock, since Dark Age Christians frowned upon talking waterfowl and not wearing pants.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

That damned cashew log

What's Mallard raving about today?


Just days after complaining about Government spending, Mallard complains about co-workers doing private fund-raising.

In all likelihood, fund-raising for a school which Mallard would prefer be completely unfunded by the Government, rather than simply under-funded.

Mallard Fillmore is a completely stateless being.

Each moment, each statement, each complaint exists in isolation, with no knowledge or memory of the past.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Those damned youth

What's Mallard raving about today?

Santayana, Youth.

Mallard's concept of Democracy: Extend the vote to only those voters with which he agrees.

Spectacularly, he sees no irony in this fact and today's complaint.

Friday, December 12, 2008

That damned Government Money

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, Government Money.

Mallard's theory, if I understand this correctly, is that in the absence of Government, citizens would magically pool their money to pay for Military, Emergency Services, and Infrastructure, among other things.

And this would be better that a representative Democracy levying taxes to pay for such things.

Because Anarchy has proven to be a very effective social system.

Marketplace of Ideas, indeed!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

That damned Marketplace of Ideas

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, The Media.

That Mallard Fillmore, an empty-headed Republican talking points echo chamber, considers himself part of a marketplace of ideas is, perhaps, the single funniest thing ever to appear in Mallard Fillmore.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

That damned Swoon

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama.

All of the clues in this crazed episode, which (depending on how long it goes on) has a good shot at the Most Interminable Series award, indicate that Mallard entered the room. A fact which he has lost track of by the final panel of today's installment.

I'd also like to point out that how telling it is that, in Mallard's mind, being liked and admired is an unpardonable sin.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

That damned hologram

What's Mallard raving about today?

Himself, Barack Obama, CNN.

There's so much wrong with this I hardly know where to begin:

Why bring up the Secret Service? It's amazing Mallard manages to include Chekhov's gun when he's only using 50 words.

Mallard's going to be keeping an eye on President Obama. Anyone for a heaping dose of self-aggrandizement?

I'd hoped? What the hell kind circumstances necessitated the odd tense shift?

CNN had leftover holograms?

Monday, December 08, 2008

That damned dinosaur

What's Mallard raving about today?

Dinosaurs, the Economy.

Anatomically, with knees like that, this particular dinosaur was doomed from the start.

What interests me is that Mallard manages to cast blame at all liberals quite...well, liberally...for any minor outrage which ends up in his email. But, outside of a few pathetic attempts to blame liberals for housing loans, when the Economy collapses after a long period of Republican rule, blame is noticeably absent from his outrage.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

That damned Budget

What's Mallard raving about today?

The economy, Christmas, Santa Claus.

So, faced with a tighter budget, Dad tells his son that Santa Claus died? I suppose that is par for the course, in terms of needless cruelty, in Mallard-land.

Seems a bit excessive to me. And not funny, but that goes without saying.

Saturday, December 06, 2008

That damned Roger

What's Mallard raving about today?

Free-floating hatred or Roger Ailes.

I can offer only two possible, although flimsy explanations for this.

Possibly, when one is completely consumed with hatred towards everyone and everything, it actually does seem as if you are thinking how much you hate someone just before they call you.

Alternately, Mallard is really pissed at Roger Ailes.

Friday, December 05, 2008

That damned ownership

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Economy.

Isn't it the Republicans who created the "ownership society" which promptly collapsed as a result of deregulation of the Financial Industry?

Yeah, I think it was.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

That damned IRA

What's Mallard raving about today?

Santa Claus, Investment Accounts.

Santa Claus, with all of his magic, can't fix the Global Economy?

Instead, I am left to hope that a group of total incompetents (all of whom who lack the brains to bail on the Bush Administration three years ago) lead by a totally incompetent President will manage to fix the economy on their way out of town.

I think I'll go drink hemlock now.

That damned Market

What's Mallard raving about today?

The BCS, Barack Obama.

Without stipulating to Mallard's point, I would like to point out that this moment in history, one in which the Free Market collapsed the entire World's economy, is an odd one to be taking sides with the side of the Market. Good luck with that.

I'd also like to point out that it is the Bush Administration which is currently nationalizing the Banking Industry, will ultimately nationalize the Auto Industry, and eventually probably the Airlines.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

That damned Playoff

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, College Football.

Given how often Mallard bitches about the BCS, I would think that would be enough for him.

Monday, December 01, 2008

That damned Santa Claus

What's Mallard raving about today?

Santa Claus, Barack Obama.

At any time over the last 8 years, this exact same panel could have been done with just a few minor changes:
  1. Instead of a child, a Wealthy Captain of Industry sits on Santa's Lap.
  2. Instead of asking for gifts, he asks for tax breaks which benefit only the wealthiest Americans and massive deregulation so he can profit obscenely while destroying the entire Global Financial System.
  3. Instead of Barack Obama, Santa decries being mistaken for President Bush.
This would not be much funnier, but it would at least bear some passing resemblance to reality.