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Monday, March 31, 2008

That damned double standard

What's Mallard raving about today?

Eliot Spitzer.

Mallard, in a single day, has expended more outrage over Eliot Spitzer than he has for Larry Craig, David Vitter, and Mark Foley combined.

I wonder what the difference is between those people?

It really needs to be mentioned that Mallard must have attended a Caricaturist's Seminar in which the only lesson was "Draw huge chins."

Sunday, March 30, 2008

That damned Tattoo

What's Mallard raving about today?

Affirmative action.

Sometimes following Mallard's train of thought is like attempting to read Finnegans Wake, except insofar as I doubt there's any payoff to understanding Mallard.

After 15 days complaining about other crap, Mallard returns to Affirmative Action, who is still anthropomorphized into the Junta leader of a Banana Republic, replete with a giant "A" on his cap. In this installment, we learn the unlikely detail that he allowed someone to tattoo something on his left buttock without knowing what it said but found a way to read it at a later date.

And, for the record, Affirmative Action is nothing like what Orwell had in mind. He had Bush, Cheney, and the Republican Noise Machine in mind.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

That damned Constitution

What's Mallard raving about today?

College Students.

American College Students have spent the last 7 years watching the United States Government treat the Constitution as if it were (at best) inconvenient but ignorable suggestions and (at worst) toilet paper.

If this Straw Man argument holds even a grain of truth, the finger of blame points squarely at each and every person who voted for President Bush or any of his Republican enablers.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Thursday, March 27, 2008

That damned Middle Name

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama's middle name, Racism.

Do you think Mallard is being disingenuously obtuse for partisan purposes or is he genuinely as stupid as he appears?

Is it really necessary to point out that using the Senator's middle name is not racist? Or to point out that using the Senator's middle name in order to terrify voters that he may be a Terrorist is not racist?

It is fear-mongering...and pretty childish fear-mongering at that.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

That damned heart

What's Mallard raving about today?

Senator Obama.

Mallard hates hope...big surprise.

It's going to be a long 7 months, given that Mallard has already indicated that he hates Senators Clinton, Obama, and McCain.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

That damned inconsistency

What's Mallard raving about today?

Senator Obama, Gun Control.

You can understand how Senator Obama's position is totally beyond Mallard's comprehension since it requires a view of the world which includes nuance:
I think we have two conflicting traditions in this country. I think it's important for us to recognize that we've got a tradition of handgun ownership and gun ownership generally. And a lot of law-abiding citizens use it for hunting, for sportsmanship, and for protecting their families. We also have a violence on the streets that is the result of illegal handgun usage. And so I think there is nothing wrong with a community saying we are going to take those illegal handguns off the streets. And cracking down on the various loopholes that exist in terms of background checks for children, the mentally ill. We can have reasonable, thoughtful gun control measures that I think respect the Second Amendment and people's traditions.

Monday, March 24, 2008

That damned mugger

What's Mallard raving about today?

Muggers, Little-Old Ladies, Guns.

I'd say the problem with little old ladies carrying guns is that if they get mugged one of two things will happen. If they try to pull the gun they will get themselves killed. If they don't try to pull the gun, it'll get taken in the mugging putting yet another gun on the street.

How much longer is Mallard going to stay on this topic?

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Golden Ellipses: Most Violent Assault on the English Language

And the winner is...

Abortion Pun

In the category of "Most Violent Assault on the English Language" we have the following nominees:

That damned Bill Buckley

What's Mallard raving about today?

William Buckley.

I've always been amazed that people lined up intellectually behind a man who claimed to stand "athwart history yelling Stop." I mean, you take pride in that?

Buckley's greatest incarnation must be George W. Bush who has managed to unravel history as far back as the Magna Carta so far...and he's still got 7 month left to go.

Friday, March 21, 2008

That damned contract

What's Mallard raving about today?

Gun Laws, Violent Criminals.

But, but, but...if what you say about gun laws affect on the criminal mentality is correct, then Washington D.C. should indisputably be the most violent U.S. city, shouldn't it? Won't any evidence to the contrary prove conclusively that the causes of violent crime are much more complicated than such simpleton notions as the ones Mallard is bleating?

An interesting tidbit I picked up along the way, which further highlights what a simplistic sack of crap Mallard is when he claims that putting guns into the hands of law-abiding citizens is The Answer: "Though nearly 100 percent of murder suspects have criminal records, 90 percent of victims also have criminal records."

Thursday, March 20, 2008

That damned series of standard complaints

What's Mallard raving about today?

Guns, Violent Criminals, Unions.

You can always tell when Mallard has actually run out of steam on a rant (as opposed to when he realizes he's run out of steam)...he spends 2 panels to re-set and re-tell the same joke then randomly tosses in a complaint against one of his standard set of bête noire (today, it's Unions).

Tomorrow: Violent criminals complain about a lack of Political Correctness.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Those damned studies

What's Mallard raving about today?

Gun Bans, Violent Criminals, Studies?

No asterisk so I may look up these "studies"?

And yet, the strangest thing is that Mallard equates violent criminals with wearing paper bags on their that's just weird.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Those damed Guns

What's Mallard raving about today?

Guns, Drugs.

Essay question:

Has Mallard made the least equivalent comparison in human history? Discuss.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Those damned muggers

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Supreme Court, Gun Laws, Muggers.

By Mallard's admission, if the Supreme Court Justices make it to the court house without being mugged, the Gun-Ban is working. Interesting litmus test, but I'm willing to stipulate to it.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Those damned ringtones

What's Mallard raving about today?

Ring tones.


Look, it's bad enough when you attempt a technology joke when you don't understand technology. And it's bad enough when you attempt a pop culture reference when you are far too old to have any reasonable connection to pop culture.

But when you attempt a joke that is roughly at the intersection of both of those, the results can be tragic, as Mallard demonstrates today.

Then again we've got both a penis chin and a banana, so Mallard' s mind was clearly elsewhere.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Golden Ellipses: The IOKIYAR Award for Brazeness or Hypocrisy

And the winner is...

Larry Craig Schmairy Craig

In the category of "The IOKIYAR Award for Brazeness or Hypocrisy" we have the following nominees:

That damned Anthropomorphication

What's Mallard raving about today?

Affirmative action, Asians, Bureaucrats.

Apparently, in Mallard's fevered imagination Affirmative Action has been anthropomorphized into some sort of third-world military strongman with a large "A" on his hat and a hand sticking disconcertingly out of his hip.

Friday, March 14, 2008

That damned donkey

What's Mallard raving about today?

Senator Obama, Senator McCain, Donkey Costumes.

Lack of support among bitter crank waterfowl does not bode well for Senator McCain's chances in November.

That said, I will not grant the premise that Senator "Bomb Iran" McCain is in any substantive way different than President Bush.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

That damned Hussein

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, Racism.

Mentioning Barack Obama's middle name in the manner Right Wing water-carriers do is not "code" for racism. It is overt fear-mongering at a playground level. Roughly equivalent to calling the Senator a "Muslim Poopy-Head."

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Those damned women

What's Mallard raving about today?


In an attempt to hold back the terrifying realization that every time Mallard caricatures Senator Clinton he will follow it with an invented letter from an angry reader to himself, I want to point out that a writer with more grasp of the English language would realize that the connotation of "fatuous" is being foolish in a smug or self-satisfied way.

Unintentionally self-revealing, I would argue.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

That damned drawing

What's Mallard raving about today?

Presidential candidates.

Mallard sustained his threat exactly once before capitulating utterly and returning to his standard buck-toothed caricature of Senator Clinton.

His spineless capitulation makes me wonder if Mallard is secretly a Democrat, which is ironic since that appears to be what he's saying about Senator McCain.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Golden Ellipses: Flimsiest Premise

And the winner is...

Stephen Colbert is not Funny

In the category of "Flimsiest Premise" we have the following nominees:

That damned substance

What's Mallard raving about today?

Senator Obama, substance.

Mallard Fillmore today officially conceded any remaining credibility, citing an entirely imaginary incident in which Senator Obama cited an entirely imaginary study, and insulted the Senator's intelligence while he was at it.

Meanwhile, President Bush vetoed a bill that would have limited the CIA's ability to torture people.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Those damned letters

What's Mallard raving about today?

The U.S. Postal Service

It took me three times through this to figure out what the hell was going on. The touch football game threw me for a loop and it wasn't until I stopped trying to figure out why the mystery object resembled a football that I finally was able to figure out that Mallard is grousing about Postal Workers...again.

At the end of the day, this reminds me of nothing so much as his recent rant about Hillary which goes to tremendous lengths (and uses a tremendous amount of text) when just saying "I hate someone or something" would have sufficed.

Saturday, March 08, 2008

Those damned underpants

What's Mallard raving about today?


We're back to this theme again?

Apparently underpants on the head is supposed to be a metaphor for something. Perhaps Mallard is trying to make some sort of comment on politically correct labeling? Or is he complaining that calls for change represent rhetoric as empty as putting underpants on one's head?

Whatever the case, he is proving that he sucks at coming up with metaphors.

Friday, March 07, 2008

Those damned Romans

What's Mallard raving about today?

Education, Kids Today.

Apparently Mallard likes hippies more than today's youth, which frankly comes as a bit of a surprise.

In addition, I would bet that some bitter crank in Rome carved an inscription just like this regarding Roman youth and Athens. Because if you can count on one thing it's that bitter cranks throughout history have found reasons to complain about anything and everything.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Those damned youth

What's Mallard raving about today?

Youth, Education.

Standard Mallard Fillmore recipe: One part idiotic conclusion based on a right-wing propaganda outlet, one part straw man.

All that's missing is the youthful baggy pants,which make Mallard so damned angry, and it'd be perfect.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

That damned tuition

What's Mallard raving about today?


In other news, waterfowl who enjoy complaining about education failed a basic grammar and punctuation test:
  • Declaring that students aren't math "whizzes" yet offering help to the reader because of this fact
  • Offering the reader an "answer" to a question which has not yet been posed
  • Use of the interrobang
  • Use of the four dot ellipse
I would have marked points off for misuse of the ellipse, however I am not sure what the rules of grammar are for the four dot ellipse.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

That damned Hillary

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hillary Clinton

It's funny because nothing about it is true.

Oh, and nothing about it is funny.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Golden Ellipses: Strangest Animal

And the winner is...
In the category of "Strangest Animal" we have the following nominees:
Vote to adopt a weird-ass pet today.

That damned Uno

What's Mallard raving about today?

Uno, Steroids, Congress.

I certainly agree with Mallard that Congress making time to investigate steroid use in Major League Baseball represents a colossal set of misplaced priorities, what with the subversion of the Constitution and all that.

But couching this rather pedestrian observation in the manner Mallard chose simply underscores the fact that when one knows who won the Westminster Kennel Club one watches way, way, way, way, way too much TV.

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Those damned Open Primaries

What's Mallard raving about today?

Open Primaries.

Mallard hates Democracy...big surprise.

That said, this may be my early favorite for the funniest Mallard of 2008. Not because of the content. Strictly based on the subtext contained in the look on the faces of the big candidate on the left (surprise) and the small rat-like candidate on the right.

Someone's going to die in this primary, and everyone already knows who that is. If only actual primaries were handled like this!

Saturday, March 01, 2008

That damned weather

What's Mallard raving about today?

This Guy, Spring.

About all I can discern from this panel is that, apparently, there are weather sayings other than "Don't like the weather wait 5 minutes it'll change."

Otherwise, Mallard would have been forced to use a nonsensical generic weather saying.