That damned Spokesperson

What's Mallard raving about today?

Habitually offended people.

Seriously, someone who habitually parrots talking points from the channel that gave us the War on Religion and the War on Christmas is living in the proverbial glass house and should really shut their trap.

That damned Email

What's Mallard raving about today?

Habitually Offended People

Mallard Fillmore, smirking when Straw Men win his arguments for him since 1994.

Blissfully unaware that Straw Men reveal the absolute emptiness of one's argument.

That damned Community

What's Mallard raving about today?

"Habitually Offended" People

How are the "habitually offended" any different from the "habitually outraged," Mallard?

You know, the people who are outraged over made up stuff on Fox every day of the week.

Like Mallard Fillmore, for example?

I guess what I am saying is that people who live in glass houses...

That damned Tolerance

What's Mallard raving about today?

Higher Education, Tolerance.

And now we've segued from the Big Lie about a study to the bogey man of "tolerance".

It's indicative of Mallard's audience that putting "tolerance" in scare quotes is assumed to resonate as a horrible thing. Most people see tolerance as something to strive for. Mallard sees it as a shackle on the free expression of his feelings.

Mind you, this is the same Mallard Fillmore who would bleat about his First Amendment Rights if he were criticized for expressing those feelings, so, you know, we're grading on a massive curve here.

That damned Term

What's Mallard raving about today?

Journalists, Illegal Immigrants.

One the one hand, I ask myself the question: what time of mind it takes to get this upset over absolutely nothing?

On the other hand, the insult "politically correct toadying elitist left wing flacks" indicates that I'm dealing with someone who never got beyond a petty middle school bully's mentality.

So, I guess what I am saying is...got my answer.

That damned Problem

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Media.

Mallard Fillmore favors speech codes which require the use of specific language which matches his particular ideology.

By the way, speech codes suck.

That Damned Codes

What's Mallard raving about today?

Speech Codes, US Universities.

Standard Mallard Fillmore Poetic Structure:

1. Dog Whistle
2. Straw Man
3. Statement of Victimhood
4. Mantle of Patriotism

This structure is used in lieu of actual thought, content, or a salient point. Oh and there should be no meter or rhythm of course.

That damned Sanctimony

What's Mallard raving about today?

Political Correctness, Christmas.

How about this one..."Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

Note that "others" is not qualified based on skin color, political affiliation, or religion.

Given that you spend at least 365 days a year (including today) being an insufferable prick towards everyone, I do not accept your sanctimony. If the Bible ends up being true, when you stand in judgement, I think you will have a nasty surprise in store.

That damned Celebration

What's Mallard raving about today?

Fish, Differences.

Mallard hates anything or anyone who is different. They are not to be celebrated or tolerated. They are to be demeaned and destroyed.

I'd suggest this was a candidate for Creepiest Self Revelation, but we already knew Mallard was an intolerant lackwit.

That damned Costume

What's Mallard raving about today?

Democrats, Political Correctness.

What the hell has this got to do with Political Correctness.

Still, you have to admit this was equally funny in 2006 and 2008, when Mallard went as Incumbent Republicans.

That damned Flag

What's Mallard raving about today?

The American Flag.

Normally I give Mallard a pass on holidays out of respect for the holiday itself, however...

King George was the Effete Elitist of the American revolution?

Seriously, man...we were the Effete Elitists. And the Liberals. And we kicked their assess because we were the agents of change in a world dominated by Oligarchs.

You conservatives were the Tories and Royalists who supported King George.

That damned Mullet

What's Mallard raving about today?

Fish, Political Correctness.

BP is filling the Gulf of Mexico with oil, which makes it especially important to follow-up a discussion of nose hairs with a screed about political correctness after Mallard realized there's both a haircut and a fish called "Mullet".

That damned Addiction

What's Mallard raving about today?

Rahm Emmanuel

Wow, given that Rahm used the word once (to insult Liberal groups, by the way), Mallard will really need to go to town on Rush Limbaugh for using it four times in one show.

That damned R-Word

What's Mallard raving about today?

Rahm Emmanuel

Whereas poor Sarah Palin had to invent the world's lamest excuse for why it was OK when Rush Limbaugh called people retards, I feel certain Mallard will not even mention it.

But at the end of the day, who really cares? Isn't this just Political Correctness run amok, Mallard?

That damned Return

What's Mallard raving about today?

The same thing as yesterday.

What if wondering about returning things is racist?

We get it Mallard. You're not subtle. Please move on.

That damned Pontiac

What's Mallard raving about today?

Pontiac, Political Correctness.

For those of us able to read beyond a 4th grade level, "The Politically Correct Police" implies a police force which is scrupulously politically correct.

Those of us able to use the English language beyond a 4th grade level would prefer "The Political Correctness Police" (or PC Police).

All of which is to say that yesterday's panel suddenly makes a lot more sense.

And lest I forget: Ha! Ha! Ha! people are losing their jobs! Hilarious.

That damned cutlass

What's Mallard raving about today?

Pirates.

Speaking as someone who has interviewed and hired many people...anyone carrying a cutlass into a job interview is pretty well screwed, pirate or not.

Those damned speech codes

What's Mallard raving about today?

Speech Codes, Academic Standards.

Monday: The First Amendment sucks and when the press use it to say good things about Barack Obama, it outrages me!

Tuesday: The First Amendment is sacred and speech codes outrage me!

Mallard Fillmore: stateless waterfowl, rage machine.

Those damned predictions

What's Mallard raving about today?

Freedom of Speech, Oprah, Barack Obama.

Nominating Oprah to the Supreme Court would be as absurd as, say, President Bush nominating Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court.

And since Mallard never moaned about that, obviously it must never have happened.

Oh, wait...

That damned card

What's Mallard raving about today?

Christmas Cards, Speech Codes.

It's OK that the card has no words, Mallard kindly provided so many more words than necessary the card can borrow some.

Mallard, here's my gift to you...an example of how to do the same thing, only better. It does not make it good, mind you. Just better.

This card is blank so there's no way
It violates limits on what you can say.
Since there are no words to see
It's sentiment is completely PC.

That took me 5 minutes. You're a hack.