Meta-Post: Golden Ellipses

I have yet to find a source for year-old Mallard Fillmore cartoons to determine nominees or even run our yearly awards. Not sure we'll be able to do this, as a result. If anyone knows where I can find these older strips, please let me know.

Meta-Post: Golden Ellipses

As it came up in the comments...

Truthfully, I have not had the energy to subject myself to a review of 12 months of Mallard Fillmore in order to find nominees...yet.

Golden Ellipses will happen.

Golden Ellipses: The Palin (Lie of the Year)

And the winner is...Death Panels!

The nominees for our final Golden Ellipse, The Palin (Lie of the Year), are:

• Tax and Spend (Post) - President Obama lowered taxes for 95% of Americans. President Bush and Republicans turned a surplus into a $12 trillion deficit without one word from Mallard or anything to show for it. But President Obama raised taxes and was the first President ever to spend money.
• Nationalization (Post) - Propping up Financial Institutions and Auto Manufacturers, and getting shares in return for our investment, is Nationalization of the entire economy.
• Millions (Post) - What if we someone staged a rally and a couple million (imaginary) protesters showed up?
• Apologies (Post) - Attempting to improve our standing with allies is "apologizing". And America has nothing to apologize for...ever. To borrow from President Nixon: "I'm saying that when America does it, it's not illegal."
• Death Panels (Post) - Mallard's version of the original Lie of the Year.

Golden Ellipses: The WATB for Manufactured Outrage or Persecution Complex

And the winner is...Bowing!

The Nominees for the WATB for Manufactured Outrage or Persecution Complex are:

• Right-Wing Extremists (Post) - President Bush orders and examination of Right Wing Extremism, to go with their similar examination of Left Wing Extremism. Mallard freaks out about President Obama.
• Liberal Weenies (Post) - Comedians come under attack for not doing the proper amount of material about President Obama, according to Mallard's scorecard.
• Wise Latina (Post) - A fairly evident statement about how background affects thinking, similar to what Justice Scalia previously said, leads to a month-long freak-out by Mallard.
• Czars (Post) - Mallard rages against Czars under President Obama after saying nothing about the 36 Czars appointed by President Bush.
• Bowing (Post) - President Obama didn't punch a couple of World Leaders in the face, choosing instead to follow local customs when greeting them. Days later, America collapsed.

Golden Ellipses: The Beck Award (Strangest Assertion)

And the winner, in a landslide, is...Delusions!

The Nominees for The Beck Award (for the strangest assertion) are:

• Hicks (Post) - Fox News would have supported the Liberal Agitators who overthrew Monarchic Rule?
• No Pork (Post) - John McCain campaigned on a no pork platform...and lost.
• We Republicans (Post) - Republicans crossing Rush Limbaugh...without the instant retraction?
• Pirate Rights (Post) - Someone was sticking up for Pirates?
• Delusions (Post) - President Obama is aware of Mallard Fillmore?

Golden Ellipses: Excellence in False Equivalency

And the winner is...Impeachment!

The nominees for Excellence in False Equivalency are:

• Anger Management (Post) - The anger directed at President Bush (for an illegal war, violations of the Constitution, and War Crimes) is exactly the same as anger directed at President Obama (for being a Socialist, not being born in America, and wanting to kill your Grandmother).
• Enemies Lists (Post) - When President Obama's White House pointed out Fox's bias, it was exactly the same as what President Nixon did. In fact, why he hasn't resigned yet is a nefarious mystery.
• Radicals (Post) - Those angry Muslims blowing things up and killing people are nothing like the angry Christians blowing things up and killing people.
• Impeachment (Post) - Yeah, boy, we impeached President Bush at the drop of a hat, didn't we? Plus, making an insensitive joke is exactly like violating the Constitution and committing War Crimes.
• The Blame Game (Post) - After all, President Clinton was responsible for 9-11 and pretty much everything bad that happened during the Bush Administration. So blame him.

Least Accurate Prediction

And the winner is...Predictions!

The nominees for Least Accurate Prediction are:

• More Like Democrats (Post) - Mallard's assertion about the Republican Party proved slightly wide of the mark, after extremists took over.
• Right Wing Extremists (Post) - Less than a month later, a Right-Wing Extremist gunned down a man in a church lobby.
• Lousy TV (Post) - Later that summer, Cable News was wall-to-wall showing astroturf mobs screaming about Death Panels at Town Hall meetings.
• Predictions (Post) - Mallard reviews all of his predictions which have come true, as long as you ignore the fact that the Government is not running companies, that 95% of us got tax breaks, and that the Enemies List is entirely manufactured.

Golden Ellipses: Ray Bolger Award for Invention in Straw Men

And the winner is...Racism!

The Nominees for the Ray Bolger Award for Invention in Straw Men are:

• Racism (Post) - The fact that no serious mainstream person ever made this case did not prevent Mallard from making it one of his central Straw Liberal arguments of 2010. Not to mention that opposition to President Obama (as opposed to his policies) has a demonstrably strong racial element within the Tea Party.
• Independence Day (Post) - I gotta say, I am with Mallard on this one. "Certain people" who say that thing Mallard says they are going to say are JERKS!
• Double Straw Man (Post) - A two-fer! President Obama employs a Straw Man argument, so Mallard can make his own Straw Man argument about President Obama. Game. Set. Match.
• Estrada (Post) - Allow me to inaccurately characterize the opposition to Miguel Estrada for you. Then I will make two additional Straw Man arguments in rapid succession.
• Chavez-Loving (Post) - Because President Obama did not punch Hugo Chavez in the face, I will make two different Straw Men in a single day.

Golden Ellipses: Limbaugh Award for Best Regurgitation of Talking Points

And the winner is...Enemies List!

The nominees for the Limbaugh Award for Best Regurgitation of Talking Points are...

• World Tour (Post) - President Obama's fence-mending tour is greeted by howls of nit-picking outrage, most of it not rooted in objective reality, from the entire Right Wing Noise Machine.
• Nationalization (Post) - Efforts to stabilize the economy, which meant getting ownership in exchange for investing money into companies that were on the brink of failure, were quickly labeled "Nationalization" when Republicans realized Bush was no longer President.
• Enemies List (Post) - Mallard outstripped anyone in propagating the "Enemies List" nonsense, when the Obama Administration had the temerity to point out that Fox's coverage was biased.
• Hillary Clinton (Post) - Campaigning together and nominating Hillary Clinton Secretary of State was not enough to silence the Right's concern trolling over their relationship.
• People Who Don't Pay Taxes (Post) - Mallard and the Right Wing conflate not paying additional income tax in April with not paying taxes at all. And the world grew dumber every time they opened their mouths.

Golden Ellipses: Achievement in Oversimplification or Willful Ignorance

And the winner is...Worst Ever!

The nominees for Achievement in Oversimplification or Willful Ignorance are:

• Great Country (Post) - Discussing race, even in a ham-handed manner, does not constitute racism and does not compare to the racism on display in the Republican Party.
• Jobs (Post) - This article doesn't really support my conclusion, but I stopped reading after I saw something that I could twist to support my biases.
• Institutional Racism (Post) - I'm sorry? The lack of "Liberal outrage" over what proves what now?
• Cool Summer (Post) - When Republicans and their idiot water carriers stop saying that cold weather means Climate Change science is a hoax, we can discuss this idiot Straw Man.
• Worst Ever (Post) - Please ignore the fact that polls don't say anything of the kind, as reality has a well-known Liberal bias.

Golden Ellipses: The IOKIYAR Award (for Brazenness or Hypocrisy)

And the winner is...Fear Mongering!

The nominees for The IOKIYAR Award (for Brazenness or Hypocrisy) are:

• Costs (Post) - But I was totally OK with all that stuff President Bush and the Republicans did which turned a $200 Million surplus into a $12 Billion deficit.
• Fear Mongering (Post) - The party of Death Panels and Birthers making accusations of fear mongering?
• Opposition (Post) - It's not like Republicans and Fox have criticized a war time President or engaged in unhinged opposition to policies for purely political reasons.
• Strings (Post) - And yet, opposing the War against Iraq...an act of treason.
• Czar (Post) - Just ignore all the Bush era Czars, OK?

Golden Ellipses: The Golden Flash (Most Mystifying Panel)

And the winner is...Job Interview!

The nominees for The Golden Flash (Most Mystifying Panel) are:

• Job Interview (Post) - There's no joke and it's really unclear just what Mallard is complaining about.
• Status Quo (Post) - Change, represented by the caveman, is really the status quo...or something to that effect.
• Laughs (Post) - I am supposed to believe T.V. Audiences are watching, let alone laughing at Moammar Khadafy? Bonus: Mallard is giving advice on being funny?
• Bailout (Post) - Something goes awry when Mallard decides to try for a bailout metaphor instead of complaining about the BCS.
• Hi-Def (Post) - Mallard is either being deeply, deeply ironic or just mystifying. As he has never shown any depth, I think it's the latter.

Golden Ellipses: Creepiest Unintentional Self-Revelation

And the winner is...Pop Tarts!

The nominees for Creepiest Unintentional Self-Revelation are:

• Elitism (Post) - Mallard, quite literally, does not believe in the right to vote for people of whom he does not approve.
• Profound Principle (Post) - Profound Principle, perhaps not. Mental problem, more likely.
• Profoundly Stupid (Post) - Mallard does not know how to turn off the TV.
• Pop Tarts (Post) - Mallard watches the Disney Channel a lot, and with a pretty disturbing view of their programming.
• At the Mall (Post) - Mallard is an expert about what goes on with pre-teen bimbettes at the mall.

Golden Ellipses: Most Disturbing Image (Mental or Visual)

And the winner in a runoff, with 57% of the votes, is Double Penis-Chin!

We have a tie, between Double Penis-Chin and Moonie Eyes. We'll subject them to a one-on-one run-off vote!

The nominees for Most Disturbing Image (Mental or Visual) are:

• Hands (Post) - Mallard forces the reader to think about what a stimulated cartoonist is doing with his hands.
• Double Penis-Chin (Post) - Mallard gets a bit carried away with his favorite phallic feature.
• Moonie Eyes (Post) - Mallard makes moonie eyes at the reader while exposing his crotch.
• Hard Out Here (Post) - The Government is pimping out Car Dealership Employees to make a bit of extra money.
• Stimulated (Post) - Mallard gives up all pretense to subtlety and just lays the sexual innuendo out there for all to see.

Golden Ellipses: Most Interminable Series or Running Theme

And the winner is...Things That Are Racist II!

The nominees for Most Interminable Series or Running Theme are:

• Collectibles (Post) - Lacking anything real to complain about in January 2009 didn't stop Mallard. Stupid President Obama and stupid collectibles.
• Pirates (Post) - After Navy SEALS rescue an American from Pirates, Mallard goes on an extended Straw Man rant against Liberals who he imagined were supporting Pirate rights.
• Self-Congratulation (Post) - Congratulations to me! Congratulations to me! Congratulations dear Mallard! Congratulations to me!
• Hulk Not Smash (Post) - Disney's takeover of Marvel pissed Mallard off and led to some quease-inducing moments during an extended rant.
• Enemies List (Post) - After going through 12 months of Mallard Fillmore, I can tell you that 10-20% of the panels in 2009 involved some mention of the Fox-invented "Enemies List." Although not consecutive, it certainly qualifies. I chose this representative panel because it managed to incorporate last year's winner in this category: Things That Are Racist.
• Things That Are Racist II (Post) - The first sequel ever nominated for back-to-back Golden Ellipses. In this example, he manages to combine it with the death of Michael Jackson for extra "ick" factor.

2009 Golden Ellipses: Least Accurate Caricature

And the winner, by a landslide, is...Michelle Obama!

The Nominees for Least Accurate Caricature are:

• Michelle Obama - I have no idea who this is supposed to be, but one person it does not look like is Michelle Obama.
• Justice David Souter - Mallard has a real ear fetish, why make Justice Souter look like Dumbo?
• Senator Boxer - Mallard sets out to caricature Senator Boxer and ends up drawing Sybil Trelawney.
• Robert Gibbs - Looking like Karl Rove, after his head was caught in a compactor.
• Zombie Obama - In a year of lengthening penis-chins, Zombie Obama really stood out from the crowd.

2009 Golden Ellipses: Least Helpful Asterisk

And the winner is...Invisible Protestors.

The nominees for Least Helpful Asterisk are:

• Fox News - Fox, avowed enemy of President Obama, are the source for Mallard's claim that the White House keeps an Enemies List. Because it's not like Fox would lie about something like that.
• Michelle Malkin - An unimpeachable source, if ever there was one.
• Oh, Really? - Unfortunately, in this case the asterisk only serves to highlight Mallard's lie.
• Invisible Protesters - Mallard cites Newsbusters as the source for another outright lie, this time regarding the number of people who showed up for a Teabagger rally.
• Go Read It, I Didn't - Mallard cites a New York Times study, but then only the part that fits his narrative and ignores the majority of the study which tells a different story.

2009 Golden Ellipses: A Break Instead of a Lecture Award (Pettiest Complaint)

And the winner is...Grammar Police!


The nominees for the A Break Instead of a Lecture Award (Pettiest Complaint) are:

• Nothing's On - What do you do when there's nothing worth watching on TV? Read a book? Take a walk? If you are Mallard, you complain about it.
• Grammar Police - "Common and minor grammatical errors are inexcusable." Don't be that guy, Mallard. Nobody likes that guy.
  
• Has this ever happened to you? No? - Mallard, apparently, has a history of packages being destroyed by the USPS, and he seems to believe it happens to everyone else as well.
• Car Alarms - Mallard discovered car alarms a decade after Stand-Up Comedians decided the topic was tired.
• Etc. - You know what really irks me? Shall I tell you? OK...Etc. pisses me off.
  

2009 Golden Ellipses: Worst Metaphor

And the winner, in one of the closest votes in Golden Ellipse history, is...Turkeys




The nominees for Worst Metaphor are:

• Anybody Seen Bob? - Americans, at least under President Obama, are wimpy little Herbivores and our enemies are scary Carnivores. If we try to talk with them, they'll just kill and then eat our ambassadors.
• Dinosaur Religion - See, dinosaurs hold their own Protestant religious beliefs and Global Warming is an opposing religious viewpoint, and then there's the fossil fuel thing...Look, people, this makes total sense!
• You just don't get it - The Caveman is change. But he's also the status quo. And a caveman. Q.E.D.
• The Natural Order of Things - Hate crimes are completely natural, just like eating.
  
• Turkeys - Americans are simple-minded turkeys who are about to be slaughtered and eaten by hungry Pilgrims, which represent Europeans, obviously enough.
  

Meta-Post: 2009 Golden Ellipses

This year, sadly, we say goodbye to a perennial favorite category (Worst Rhyme Scheme) because Mallard did not grace us with poetry this year.

But we're adding a few new categories (and getting rid of a few I no longer care for), to keep things fun and interesting:

• Worst Metaphor
• A Break Instead of a Lecture (Pettiest Complaint)
  
• Least Helpful Asterisk
• Least Accurate Caricature
• Most Interminable Series or Running Theme
• Most Disturbing Image (Mental or Visual)
• Creepiest Unintentional Self-Revelation
• The Golden Flash (Most Mystifying Panel)
• The IOKIYAR Award (for Brazenness or Hypocrisy)
• Achievement in Oversimplification or Willful Ignorance
• Limbaugh Award for Best Regurgitation of Talking Points
• Ray Bolger Award for Invention in Straw Men
• Least Accurate Prediction
• The Beck (Strangest Assertion)
• The WATB for Manufactured Outrage or Persecution Complex
• Excellence in False Equivalency
• The Palin (Lie of the Year)

Let the ceremonies begin!