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Thursday, May 31, 2012

Vacation Day

What's Mallard raving about today?

I have no idea, have fun in the comments!

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Those damned Hobbies

What's Mallard raving about today?


Yeah, wasn't funny yesterday. Adding a whole bunch more words doesn't make the exact same "joke" funnier.

Leave the restaurant, Mallard. Problem solved.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

That damned Server

What's Mallard raving about today?


Mallard Fillmore, of his own free will, went into a restaurant serving locally-sourced, organic, hormone free food...and he is offended by what they are serving.

Also, for some reason, Mallard thinks there's something wrong with not wanting foreign-sourced, non-organic, hormone-filled food. Seriously, Mallard, if there's a market for it, what the hell do you care?

Republicans have become the man from Monty Python's Argument Sketch, willfully confusing automatic gainsaying with reasoned argument.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Those damned Trilogies

What's Mallard raving about today?

Women, Books

Frankly, after a day like today it makes me question my career choices when I realize someone gets paid to simply document their smug superiority in excruciating detail, with no artistic, literary, or humorous merit.

Friday, May 25, 2012

That damned Perk

What's Mallard raving about today?

Smartphones, China

Isn't that cute! Mallard actually thinks 300 million people read his work.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Those damned Horizons

What's Mallard raving about today?


At first, I was tempted to say that, at Mallard's age, using a laundromat is a sign that your life took a wrong turn somewhere.

Then I was tempted to say that Mallard is an elitist dick.

But, then I realized that, since watching Fox "News" makes you actively more stupid, I realized that there's no joke here. Getting away from his house and watching something, anything, other than Fox is broadening Mallard's horizons.

So, you know, kudos for that, Mallard.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Those damned Voters

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Mitt Romney, Voters, NASCAR

Given Romney's massive gaffe at the NASCAR event he attended, is this really your best line of attack on President Obama?

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

That damned Sleep

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Osama Bin Laden

4 years earlier: "George, have you killed Osama Bin L..." "Go back to sleep, Laura."

Mallard: President Obama gave the order to kill Osama Bin Laden at great risk. That order resulted in success. Suck. On. That.

Monday, May 21, 2012

That damned Pledge

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama

Let me see if I understand the rules for this election:

  • Attacking President Obama for killing Osama Bin Laden...Our Patriotic Duty
  • Attacking Mitt Romney regarding events at Bain Capital...Totally Unacceptable and Why do you Hate Capitalism, Jerk?

Sunday, May 20, 2012

That damned Indicator

What's Mallard raving about today?

Graduates, The Economy

"...Plus, you went to a school that could only get Mallard Fillmore for its commencement speech, so your life took a really bad turn somewhere."

Saturday, May 19, 2012

That damned Help

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Media, President Obama, Voters

Mallard, too gutless to go full Birther, chooses the equally idiotic but more innocuous-seeming "The Media elected Barack Obama, not the Voters" path to de-legitimize his Presidency.

After all, Mallard disagrees with the result of the election, so it must not have been legitimate. What further proof is needed?

Friday, May 18, 2012

That damned Spokesperson

What's Mallard raving about today?

Habitually offended people.

Seriously, someone who habitually parrots talking points from the channel that gave us the War on Religion and the War on Christmas is living in the proverbial glass house and should really shut their trap.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

That damned Email

What's Mallard raving about today?

Habitually Offended People

Mallard Fillmore, smirking when Straw Men win his arguments for him since 1994.

Blissfully unaware that Straw Men reveal the absolute emptiness of one's argument.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

That damned Immigration

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, The Economy, Immigration

And yet, Republicans still can't keep themselves from screaming Build a Wall! Build a Bigger Wall! Build an Electric Fence!

So if that's not motivated by illegal immigration which has slowed due to economic factors, what is behind it, Mallard?

Monday, May 14, 2012

That damned Trial

What's Mallard raving about today?

John Edwards, The Media

Mallard, when your big hope for election year advantage is John Edwards politically-motivated trial, you are in a bad situation.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Those damned Gifts

What's Mallard raving about today?

Mother's Day

Mallard recognizes Mother's day with cats and dead rats.


Saturday, May 12, 2012

Those damned Researchers

What's Mallard raving about today?

Ryan Seacrest, Carson Daly

Mallard Fillmore, unable to accept that popular culture has simply passed him by, instead rails against it.

Go ahead, Mallard, curse the Night. Good luck with that.

Friday, May 11, 2012

That damned Change

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama

Say what now? I though Obama was a socialist monster who had destroyed America. But now you say he hasn't made any changes since the Bush Administration.

Come on, Mallard, which is it? I mean I know you're a paragon of intellectual honesty and consistency, so...HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!

Sorry, I tried, but I couldn't make it through that last sentence.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

That damned Coin

What's Mallard raving about today?


Whenever I think Mallard Fillmore can't get more stupid, more wrong, it always turns out I am the one who is wrong.

First of all, though not mentioned here, apparent Vice President Biden said "Nobody wants these things, and if they don't want them, we shouldn't keep making them." Interesting that Mallard is quoting/agreeing with Biden, and yet does not have the guts to admit it.

Those of you with enough of an attention span to read beyond that first paragraph may also notice that Mallard is completely wrong and that, in fact, demand for the coins was quite high, almost 15% above projections. Mallard Fillmore: wrong. Again.

I find no evidence to substantiate Mallard's claim that they charged more for the Chester A. Arthur coins, so that fact appears to be, unsurprisingly, complete fiction.

Additionally, Mallard's claim that lack of demand is the reason said fictional price increase took place is ascribing fictional motives to a fictional event. So, you know, we're really moving into previously unimaginable dimensions of falsehood here.

And yet, if we took his claims about pricing at face value, the U.S. Government charged more and sold more, bringing to 14,000,008 the reasons why Mallard Fillmore doesn't know anything about anything, least of all business, and should not be listened to on any subject.

Wednesday, May 09, 2012

That damned Card

What's Mallard raving about today?

Press, Race Cards

Whoever had May 9 as the day when Mallard would first trot out the "we're not the racists, you're the racists!" line of reasoning in the Trayvon Martin case wins the pool!

Unfortunately, someone should have told Zimmerman himself...

Tuesday, May 08, 2012

That damned War

What's Mallard raving about today?

The War on Women, Abortion

Republican legislatures across the United States actually rolling back reproductive rights and workplace rights for women.

Someone with Democratic Party affiliation saying something stupid about Ann Romney on CNN in their role as a pundit.

False equivalency at it's finest.

Bonus points for just tossing abortion into the mix.

Monday, May 07, 2012

That damned Community

What's Mallard raving about today?

"Habitually Offended" People

How are the "habitually offended" any different from the "habitually outraged," Mallard?

You know, the people who are outraged over made up stuff on Fox every day of the week.

Like Mallard Fillmore, for example?

I guess what I am saying is that people who live in glass houses...

Sunday, May 06, 2012

That damned Year

What's Mallard raving about today?

College Athletes

In what way would a non-athlete college student provide "entertainment to a lot of people" during his one year at college? Is Mallard advocating prostitution as a means for paying college tuition?

Kidding aside, this may be the stupidest thing Mallard has ever written.

Saturday, May 05, 2012

That damned Stuff

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama

For a man whose going to be forced to vote for Willard "Mitt" rMoney, because that's the best his party has to offer, this is big talk, indeed.

Friday, May 04, 2012

That damned Realization

What's Mallard raving about today?

Flat Tax Rates, President Obama

Isn't that cute! Mallard thinks he's got a zinger, there. Awwww.

Thursday, May 03, 2012

That damned Record

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama

Now, it's unacceptable to speculate on what one's political opponent will do, if elected?

John Stewart eviscerated this as effectively as possible in a segment he called: "You are aware that the frontal lobe of the cerebral cortex gives us the ability to store and recall past events as they occurred. right?"

Wednesday, May 02, 2012

That damned Facebook

What's Mallard raving about today?

Facebook, President Obama, Debt

I suppose if I were a hack comic, who had job security even when putting out drivel which tries and fails to connect America's National Debt and Facebook's upcoming IPO, I wouldn't worry about America following Europe's lead and implementing austerity measures which lead us back into a Recession.

Being, however, a being with a functioning intellect, I recognize that the fastest way to rectifying the debt situation is employment and rising wages.

Also, Mallard, Apple has something like $90b cash on hand, and could buy Facebook. So, you know, even on that made a bad choice. I really wonder what it's like to suck so bad at something.

Tuesday, May 01, 2012