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Monday, December 31, 2007

Those damned parties

What's Mallard raving about today?

Kentucky, New Year's Eve.

I'm sure Mallard is as shocked as every one of us that he's received an invitation to a party. But that does not excuse telling someone you are (or will be) sitting at home in your pajamas. That is just creepy by any measure.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Those damned predictions

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hillary Clinton, someone else, mean old boy bullies.

It's interesting to note that bullies wear propeller-beanies in Mallard's fevered persecution-complex of an imagination (the same imagination in which Senator Clinton has made a complaint remotely related to the one Mallard continues to accuse her of).

Propeller-beanies are, of course, standard semiotics for "nerd," the target of the bully, rather than the bully.

That tells you pretty much everything you need to know about Mallard and how seriously one should take anything he says.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

That damned family

What's Mallard raving about today?

Two parents, Marriage, TV, News.

The Yates may feel as smug as they want to feel; unappealing thought smugness may be.

Why Mallard feels the right to be smug about them is a mystery.

Why Mallard feels that ordinary people's marriages are in the news all the time, however, is a much bigger mystery.

Friday, December 28, 2007

Those damned razors

What's Mallard raving abut today?

Electric razors.

Mallard, if you are getting electric razors as a gift, trust me, it's not the store's fault. It's that people hate you.

(Is it just me, or has Mallard been extra incoherent recently?)

Thursday, December 27, 2007

That damned comedy

What's Mallard raving about today?

Diversity, Comedy.

Mallard is really grasping at straws in an attempt to rave against diversity...

To be honest, I wouldn't be at all worried, since losing a stand-up comedy genre seems like a small price to pay for tolerance and, you know, loving one's neighbor.

But the fact that the word "DOOM" is bolded and capitalized, makes me realize this is a VERY SERIOUS PROBLEM.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

That damed Oprah

What's Mallard raving about today?

Oprah Winfrey.

Say what you want, that bloc of voters is, at minimum, bigger than the "I'm-voting-for-Huckabee-because-I'm-scared-Chuck-Norris-will-kick-my-ass" vote.

It may even represent a plurality.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

That damned controversy

What's Mallard raving about today?


Again, Mallard cannot express his Christian sentiments without criticizing someone else.

Again, that criticism is leveled at a straw man which exists primarily, if not exclusively, in his own mind.

I'd wish you a Merry Christmas, Mallard, but with every action you demonstrate you have no idea what Christ represents, so it would be a waste of breath.

Monday, December 24, 2007

That damned Funkhauser

What's Mallard raving about today?

Mr. Funkhauser.

Under normal circumstances, a comic like today's would prompt me to point out how ironic it is that Mallard was criticizing someone for being a literal curmudgeon with too much time on his hands. Considering that Mallard is the ultimate figurative curmudgeon with too much time on his hands, standing on his figurative porch and screaming "Hey, everyone who doesn't think exactly like me, get off of my property!"

But today, I am simply overtaken by the troubling suspicion that Mr. Funkhauser is actually Mallard's neighbor.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

That damned partisanship

What's Mallard raving about today?

Partisanship, Christmas.

I know of no one who believes their "message" is "important" and yet will openly admit they are a partisan hack.

Mallard, blithely, becomes the first member of that club.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Those damned wrist bands

What's Mallard raving about today?

Cause Bracelets, Charity.

Let me see if I understand this correctly...

Mallard is complaining about a fund raising vehicle for charities because it has become popular and therefore (by definition) is successfully raising funds for charity.

Yep, that seems about par for the course with Mallard.

Friday, December 21, 2007

That damned TP

What's Mallard raving about today?

Toilet paper.

Frankly, I'm speechless.

Although it does prompt me to point out that Mallard hasn't had any occasion to either say or avoid saying "Christmas" this week, making his Monday installment all the more puzzling.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

That damned tax

What's Mallard raving about today?


You don't care how?

In that case, may I suggest it's done with Duck L'Orange served at the signing ceremony?

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Those damned burgers

What's Mallard raving about today?


What an amazingly tortured comparison.

To begin with, the baseline comparison is of the apples-to-kumquats variety because illegal immigrants are not being granted citizenship by "jumping" over the border.

And then the metaphor is destroyed by the intrusion of the literal image of someone getting fast food by jumping over some sort of border. Either that or legal immigrants have to buy burgers in order to be granted citizenship.

Either way, I don't trust that shifty-eyed car.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

That damned Teddy Bear

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teddy Bears, Sudan, Islam.

Man, that is one scary-looking teddy bear.

Apparently Mallard's Great-Gift Idea #22 (which is not only unnecessarily hyphenated, but is also suddenly moving backward from gift #35 last week) is to give Sudanese children recurrent nightmares about evil teddy bears.

Monday, December 17, 2007

That damned vulgarity

What's Mallard raving about today?

Christmas, Progressives, Euphoria. does this explain why cave woman didn't use the word Christmas yesterday?

More to the point, however, every time Mallard makes some sort of profession of his Christianity it throws me for a loop. After all, his value system revolves around vilification of pretty much everyone, especially those who don't believe the exact same things and behave the exact same way he does.

Which is pretty much the exact opposite of what Christianity stands for. At least the Christianity personified by, say, Jesus Christ.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Those damned genders

What's Mallard raving about today?


Why are cavemen celebrating Christmas before the birth of Jesus Christ?

And why is Mallard contributing to the War on Christmas by referring to it only as "Holiday" hunting and gathering?

Saturday, December 15, 2007

That damned...

What's Mallard raving about today?

I'm hoping to find out.

Since starting this blog over a year ago, the most satisfying aspect for me has been the insightful and funny comments. Today I'm hoping one of them will explain what the hell this is about.

Friday, December 14, 2007

That damned lean to the left

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Media.

Poor, poor Republicans. If only The Media included some people who represent their viewpoint. Or even a whole channel devoted to fictionalizing the news strictly along their ideological lines.

Honestly, how can anyone say something like this with a straight face nowadays? It takes someone with a severe irony deficit to regurgitate this meme after a steady diet of Limbaugh, O'Reilly, Hannity, Savage, etc.

Oh, and...

Worst. Scansion. Ever.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

That damned pay

What's Mallard raving about today?

China, Christians.

Well, that and the fact that their shipping boxes appear to leak oil.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Those damned puppies

What's Mallard raving about today?


Am I nuts, or is Mallard indicating his "idea" with a compact fluorescent light bulb?

And, credit where it's due...for once that's a fairly cute puppy drawing.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Those damned doctors

What's Mallard raving about today?

TV, Medicine, Celebrities.

Is Mallard advocating for some sort of socialized medicine by noting the fact that average Americans require a game show to even gain access to required medical care?

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Those damned questions

What's Mallard raving about today?


Those people you are talking about Mallard? They are the ones not so stupid as to misunderstand the difference between a philosophical question and a question.

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Those damned soybeans

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hillary Clinton, Soybeans, Death, Taxes.

It's interesting that in Mallard's world, newscasters periodically announce to their viewers that death and taxes are inevitable, among other things.

I don't pretend to know what to make of that fact, but somehow coming on the air just to scare viewers about death and taxes periodically seems about right for Mallard.

Friday, December 07, 2007

That damned woman

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton.

I said it before, apparently it bears repeating: You gotta hate folks who come to the political spotlight without hard work. Folks who come to prominence by marriage, or, say, birth.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

That damned Criminal Community

What's Mallard raving about today?

Gun control, criminals.

On days like today, I feel compelled to note that the only difference between Mallard and a cranky letter to the editor is two poorly drawn duck heads of varying size.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

That damned Obama

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Clinton, Barack Obama.

It takes a special kind of myopia to feel you have to reach back to President Clinton for an example of someone who won't admit to mistakes, lies, and doesn't take responsibility for their actions.

The only excuse I can think of for leaving out the current occupant of the Oval Office is that "incompetent" is not in the list.

Monday, December 03, 2007

That damned plant

What's Mallard raving about today?

Planted questions.

For seven years the President (and Vice President) have been unwilling to appear in front of anything other than audiences pre-screened for Republican Party loyalty, sending the clear message that they are only concerned for the people who voted for them.

But this is, apparently, the straw that breaks the camel's back.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Those damned dust angels

What's Mallard raving about today?


Appearing on editorial pages all over American today: commentary on Mallard's tidiness with pederast overtones.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Those damned Heroes

What's Mallard raving about today?

Heroes, Katie Couric, CBS News.

I've said it before, I'll say it again...Mallard watches too much TV.

And then he assumes we all have the exact same thoughts which run through his fevered imagination.

Which leads to stuff today's panel which makes no damn sense at all to me.