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Friday, October 31, 2008

That damned Barack

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama


Because Obama was crazy when he suggested Republicans would run a campaign designed to make Americans afraid.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

That damned racism

What's Mallard raving about today?


I'd love to take Mallard to task for the bronzed Obama lawn sign, but since his colorists are probably saving their sanity by not paying attention to what they are coloring, I'll suffice it to say: does Mallard really believe lawn signs are that big?

And yes, I am ignoring Mallard's complaints about not being allowed to be as racist as he wants to be.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

That damned Bull

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Stock Market, Campaign Speeches.

Today, Mallard speaks out on a topic that no one else has the bravery to discuss: honesty in election campaign speeches.

We're it not for Mallard, Americans might still believe that politicians were scrupulously honest at all times, in all speeches. But now that Mallard is on the case, the American people are forewarned.

Seriously, Mallard gets paid for this?

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Those damned list of things

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, Racism.

Dear Mallard,

Regarding your list:

1. Prevailing opinion was that saying "that one" was disrespectful, not racist.

2. Nice timing bringing up Sarah Palin's clothes.

3. Prevailing opinion is that Bill Ayers is irrelevant or has already been factored into people's opinion, that the vitriol and language were completely out of bounds, and that this was an attack on Obama's patriotism, not his race.

Given these factors, we are not paying you today.


King Features Syndicate

Monday, October 27, 2008

Those damned SNLers

What's Mallard raving about today?

SNL, The Election.

Tina Fey said she will be "leaving Earth" if McCain-Palin win the election.

Even when trying to be non-political, Mallard still can't help being wrong.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

That damned Hallowe'en

What's Mallard raving about today?

Elitism, Barack Obama.

"Mixed Spring Greens" (in actual quotes). What happened to Arugula?

One Presidential candidate has 8 houses and 13 cars, but Mallard feels the other candidate is the Elitist.

Or, based on the latest polling, he's complaining that over 50% of Americans, those supporting Obama over Blinky McCrankypants, eat food that he does not approve of.

Either way, this is a tired and false premise.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Those damned clowns

What's Mallard raving about today?

Clowns, Federal Employees.

Less than 2 weeks before the most important election in his lifetime, and Mallard spends his time hurling non-specific school ground insults at all Federal Employees. And drawing barely recognizable elephants, as if the clowns were not enough semiotics for his readers to understand that we're supposed to be at a circus.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Those damned bloggers

What's Mallard raving about today?

Bloggers, The News.

Apparently Mallard just realized the extent to which blogs like The Drudge Report have driven media narrative for the last decade (e.g., John Edwards haircut).

The only change recently has been the extent to which Progressive blogs have driven the narrative (e.g., Justice Department scandal) and the lack of ability on the part of horse-crap Right Wing smears (Ayers, ACORN) to take hold.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

That damned Tina Fey

What's Mallard raving about today?

Sarah Palin, Tina Fey.

When you are 3 weeks behind the news, this is exactly the kind of commentary you should not make.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Those damned Federal Employees

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, Federal Employees.

Rich irony, considering that the Bush Administration turned the Justice Department into the legal arm of the Republican National Committee, a role it continues to play in this election.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Those damned lawmakers

What's Mallard raving about today?

Congress, the Bailout.

Mallard Fillmore, otherwise known as Confessions of a Tiny, Tiny Mind.

Argue however you want about the bailout, but it takes a special type of blind idiocy to suggest that preventing the financial system from melting down represents not "thinking about" the taxpayers.

But given that Mallard's ability to grasp complex issues boils down to: if it affects my taxes and/or the government was involved, I hate it, it's hardly a surprising take on it.

Monday, October 20, 2008

That damned Bailout

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Bailout, Taxpayers.

There was a lot of disagreement about the form the bailout should take, general disgust/disbelief at the idiotic first suggestion by the Bush Administration, and lingering doubt about its final form.

Until today, however, I couldn't name anyone who believed we should do nothing. I couldn't name anyone who wanted to watch the financial system disintegrate.

Enter Mallard...

Sunday, October 19, 2008

That damned Hallowe'en

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama.

Mallard, we understand that you prefer politics that "breeds division, and conflict, and cynicism" over having a black man become President.

The horse crap sanctimony about how Barack Obama is the racist is about as convincing as John McCain telling all of us that he's not running a negative campaign.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Those damned politicians

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Bailout Plan, Politicians.

Odd. Even-handed criticism, a grain of truth, not totally unfunny.

Is it guest author day at King Features Syndicate?

Friday, October 17, 2008

That damned News

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, NBC News.

Without granting this baloney premise, which is not supported by facts...
I'm John McCain and I approved all 24 hours of Fox News broadcasting.
How does that saying about glass houses go, Mallard?

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Those damned caves

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Economy, Affordable Housing.

There is nothing that could happen in this world, no matter how much Conservative DNA is left at the crime scene, that Mallard will not blame on Liberals.

If everyone is willing to stipulate to that, I think we can move on.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

That damned ACORN

What's Mallard raving about today?

ACORN, Barack Obama.

When an article starts like this, you know it's going to be a fair-minded recitation of facts and not an axe-grinding right-wing smear.
What exactly does a "community organizer" do? Barack Obama's rise has left many Americans asking themselves that question. Here's a big part of the answer: Community organizers intimidate banks into making high-risk loans to customers with poor credit.
The Party of Personal Responsibility continues to deny any responsibility for what happened while it was in power of every branch of the Government.

If true, that would mean they are an incompetent bunch of spineless idiots. If not true (also know as "in reality") Republicans suck at managing the economy while Democrats are pretty good at it. But, of course, reality has a well-known liberal bias.

Either way, sucks to be a Republican, although not as much as it sucks to be living under Republicans.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

That damned Barney Frank

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barney Frank, Affordable Housing, Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac.

Five years ago? Five years ago Barney Frank said they were sound?

Yeah, because that's exactly the same as John McCain saying "The fundamentals of our economy are strong" mere moments before the economy melted down completely.

Monday, October 13, 2008

That damned borrower

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Economy.

Mallard simplifies the economic crisis down for you.

Soul-patched, earring-adorned, tank-top wearing borrowers asked for loans they should not have been granted. They have not learned their lesson and are still asking.

Bankers have learned their lesson and are no longer offering loans to them.

Of course, bankers are now forced to sit in pink chairs befitting their status as the ultimate Socialists after the bailout.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

That damned Straw Costume

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hallowe'en, Barack Obama, Racism.

On the weekend after John McCain was booed by his own supporters for simply saying that Barack Obama was a "decent person" that they did not have to be "scared" of, I'm in absolutely no mood to be lectured by Mallard about how Liberals and Democrats are the racists in this election.

The fact that it comes in the form of one of the most preposterous Straw Man arguments ever to appear in Mallard Fillmore in no way mitigates my feelings.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Those damned judges

What's Mallard raving about today?

Judges, Elections.

I don't know what's stranger.

The construction of the sentence in today's Mallard Fillmore. That where Mallard lives people running for judge have enough cash to run TV commercials. Or that Mallard believes it is possible to cram something of substance into a 30-second TV spot.

Given his obsessive relationship with TV, however, I suppose that last possibility is not so strange.

Friday, October 10, 2008

That damned bailout

What's Mallard raving about today?

Taxpayers, Bailouts.

Since the Republicans are the ones who have privatized profit and socialized loss, I think you'll have to wait until after November 4, or perhaps more accurately January 20, when they finally get booted from power after almost a decade of egregious mismanagement and outright criminal behavior.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

That damned Monster

What's Mallard raving about today?

Monsters, Freddie Mac, Fannie Mae.

Bad poetry, Republican talking points, no sense.

It's Mallard Fillmore!

The Party of Personal Responsibility's explanation for the roots cause of a crisis which developed while it was in power of every branch of Government: It was someone else's fault.

Mallard can blame the Community Reinvestment Act all he wants, but as far as I understand the system of American Government, the Republicans could have repealed the Act, just like they did Habeus Corpus.

On November 4, we're going to force them own their failure, even if they don't have the courage to own up to their responsibility.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Those damned borrowers

What's Mallard raving about today?

Borrowers, Lenders, Taxpayers.

Right on schedule, except for the color of the borrower's skin, Mallard is blaming the American people for the economic meltdown.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

That damned Dodd

What's Mallard raving about today?

Senator Dodd, Fanny Mae, Freddy Mac.

He most certainly did say that, and he was wrong. Shall we now discuss other people who were equally wrong?

Anyone want to take bets on whether John McCain or the entire Bush Administration get mentioned?

Monday, October 06, 2008

That damned drilling

What's Mallard raving about today?

Drilling, Wall Street Bailouts.

How many of you made the same mistake I did and first read this as "Drill Her, Drill Now..."?

At any rate, it's pretty rich for Mallard to compare a bailout necessitated by an economic crisis caused by Republican deregulation of the Banking industry with Republican efforts to deregulate Oil Industry drilling.

Mallard's inability to spot his own unintended irony is one of my greatest joys on this blog.

I anxiously look forward to finding out later this week why the Democrats, Liberals, Feminists, Barack Obama, Al Sharpton, and Jesse Jackson are to blame for this mess, rather than the Republicans.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

That damned vote

What's Mallard raving about today?


Mallard admits that he prefers Oligarchy to Democracy.

At least this contains an implicitly hilarious joke: Mallard believes he will be a member of the Elite in the Oligarchy he craves.

Saturday, October 04, 2008

That damned panty raid

What's Mallard raving about today?

Feminists, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton

OK, I think this has devolved as far as it possibly can. Therefore I am anxiously looking forward to Monday to see how Mallard proves me wrong.

Friday, October 03, 2008

That damned cheer

What's Mallard raving about today?

Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson.

Incredible hypocrisy from a duck whose primary mode of discourse is to posit that "some people say [incendiary-but-not-credible-thing]" and then mock the made up position.

In other words: The straw pot calling the straw kettle to speak.

Note: I'd take cheer from the fact that Mallard appears convinced that Obama is going to win the election if it weren't for the fact that the next time he is right about something it will be the first time.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

That damned intolerance

What's Mallard raving about today?

Feminists, Sarah Palin.

I am totally confused.

Isn't voting against someone whose positions are antithetical to everything you believe known as "Democracy"?

Would this Straw Man argument be any more or less accurate if it showed an "aging Neo-Con" who won't vote for Barack Obama because he is handsome, pro-choice, liberal, and black?

Or is the point that only liberals and feminists desire to be known as "tolerant" (the aging Neo-Con is perfectly happy being known as an intolerant bigot) so the criticism of this Straw Man is that they are a hypocrite?

Seriously, what the hell is Mallard even trying to say?

Additional comment: at first I thought it said "petty, pro-life, conservative woman" which is pretty much why many people won't vote for Palin, except that Mallard forgot to mention that she is also dangerously unqualified.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

That damned Aging Feminist

What's Mallard raving about today?

Racism, Feminists, Barack Obama, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Sarah Palin.

Since Mallard is pretty much taking the day off, so will I.

Just combine my comments from this day and this day and you have my comment for today.