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Saturday, January 31, 2009

That damned trillion

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, Collectibles, The Bailout.

Here's something I never thought I would say, with respect to Mallard Fillmore: Sunday can't come soon enough.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Thursday, January 29, 2009

That damned package

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Collectibles, Pensions.

My 401k lost 40% in 3 months. I'd have been better off putting my money into Obama collectibles recently.

On the plus side, Chet's is hiding his penis chin behind that package!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Golden Ellipses: Most Disturbing Image (Mental or Visual)

And the winner is...

Chris Dodd's Neck
The nominees for Most Disturbing Image (Mental or Visual) are:
  • William F. Buckley - No matter what you think of Mr. Buckley, he did not deserve to be remembered in this way.
  • Drill Her! - Uncle Sam is going to fuck a taxpayer here and now!
  • Constipated McCain - UNNH! Best case John McCain is passing a stone. Worst case, he's having difficulty crapping his pants. Either way, it's not an image that's very pleasant.
  • Chris Dodd's Neck - WTF is Chris Dodd's head perched on? This is the goiter version of last year's winner in this category.
  • Mallard's Crotch - A representative panel (there were many to choose from) in which Mallard sits watching his TV, with his crotch disturbingly exposed toward the reader.
As soon as you finish throwing up, vote.

Those damned Xenophobes

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Collectibles.

OK, recycling the bitter comment is completely out of left field and makes no sense whatever in this context.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

That damned Quarter

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, The Economy.

Holy crap! The economy is going to grow by almost 120% (ht: Anthony) 120 times 360 times (ht: Gold-Digging Nanny) while Obama is President. Damn, even Mallard's a believer.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Those damned plates

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Commemorative Plates.

The Free Market is to blame for reviving the "cheesy collectible" industry, not President Obama.

Only an intellectual midget could confuse the two.

Why do you hate Capitalism so much, Mallard? I can only assume it is because you are a Communist.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Those damned Liberals

What's Mallard raving about today?


Former President George W. Bush handed over $350B to the Financial industry, with no oversight or accounting. That money is gone, banks are still in terrible shape, and no one will disclose where it went...except for the part of it that went to pay massive year-end bonuses to Execs who drove their banks into the ground.

It will, therefore come as a surprise to exactly no one that Mallard pins the blame for the bailout on Democrats.

Americans know who is to blame for this mess. They registered their opinion on the matter in November, resoundingly. No amount of bleating by Mallard and his fellow water-carriers will change reality.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Golden Ellipses: Most Interminable Series or Running Theme

And the winner is...

Things that are Racist
The nominees for Most Interminable Series or Running Theme are...
  • Photos of Hillary - A bold declaration on 26 February in reaction to angry writers! Mostly notable, however, because by 9 April he was posting caricatures again. Even though it was not temporally lengthy, it felt interminable.
  • D.C. Gun Ban - Otherwise known as Much Ado About Nothing, since the Supreme Court ruled the Gun Ban was not Constitutional. Along the way, however, it featured some forehead-bashingly stupid commentary.
  • Bitterness - Mallard, the single most bitter individual on the planet, was outraged (outraged I tell you!) by comments which, when taken out of context, could be considered offensive to bitter people.
  • Mallard visits the President Elect - Creepy & pointless. Elevated to exceptional status by the singular claim that Mallard is part of the marketplace of ideas.
  • Things that are Racist - Textually: I fraudulently assert that criticism of Obama is being equated with racism. Sub-textually: Why does everyone keep saying that I am a racist whenever I open my mouth?
Your opportunity to vote is short, so get cracking!

Those damned clippings

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Press clippings.

If Mallard wanted to suggest that Obama "believes his overly positive press clippings", he should have considered, you know...saying it in a way that's understandable to readers of the English language.

As it is, all I can actually gather is that a somewhat dopey-eyed Obama doesn't need the advice because he understands that you should be true to yourself and not allow what people say--positive or negative--to change your own sense of self-belief. Which, I think is actually a pretty fair description of Obama thusfar, hence it can't possibly be what Mallard actually means.

At any rate, Mallard joins Rush Limbaugh in openly hoping that Obama fails, because being ideologically right is more important than America to this group of dead-enders.

To which I must ask...why does Mallard hate America so much?

Friday, January 23, 2009

Those damned ears

What's Mallard raving about today?

Readers, planes, press, ears.

They should have looked it up on the Internet? Because, God knows, it couldn't possibly be false if it is on the Internet.

By the way, Mallard likes to have sex with goats.

Know how I know that? Because it appeared on the Internet. Specifically, on this blog in the last paragraph.

Point #3 would be easier to defend if Mallard had, for example, done more than one caricature of President Bush in the last two years. What do you think of that claim?

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Those damned taxes

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Taxes.

The burns.

This Straw Man is predicated on attaching some relevance to whether someone pays additional taxes when filing their tax return.

Not paying additional taxes in April is simply not equivalent to "not paying any taxes." Or did you not notice the taxes deducted from your paycheck every week?

This is not something I would expect to have to explain to a living creature more intelligent than a paramecium, since it only requires a passing familiarity with "addition" and "subtraction."

Since Mallard mostly occupies himself with the daily struggle to keep himself spittle-free, I guess it might be a hard concept for him to grasp. As such, I would be better of trying to explain it to the paramecium.

As someone once's like they take pride in being ignorant.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Those damned superlatives

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Media, Barack Obama.

A 2009 Golden Ellipse bonanza!

An early 2009 contender for Worst Metaphor since dependence on foreign adjectives is as stupid a concept as I have ever heard.

Also an early contender for Highest Text-to-Image ratio, since the images of Mallard were not even strictly necessary.

Finally, a Straw Man which asserts that the media are out of step with America in terms of optimism about President Obama (man does it feel good to finally write that down!) when in fact Americans of all stripes are hopeful.

But, when you refuse to allow any dissenting opinions or data into your world view, you pretty well insure that you will become Mallard Fillmore.

And at the end of the day, no different than yesterday.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

That damned Press

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, The Press.

Depending on who you believe, Barack Obama takes office with a favorable/unfavorable of 71-16 or so, with his favorability rating growing sharply during the transition.

So, Mallard, it is not just "The Press" who need to join your made-up little self-help group.

At any rate, to avoid congestion at meetings, I suggest we target self-help toward the 16% instead.

Because if there is not already a self-help group for hate-driven cranks, people who want to deprive everyone of optimism in order to make everyone's existence as wretched as their own, there ought to be.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Golden Ellipses: Least Accurate Caricature

And the winner is...

Hillary Clinton

The nominees for Least Accurate Caricature are:
  • Abraham Lincoln - The face may be Lincoln, but the ears are Dumbo and the lips are Bill Murray from Caddyshack..."So I got that going for me, which is nice."
  • Ted Kennedy - One thing you notice when looking at the actual Ted Kennedy is that he has plenty of characteristcs which can be caricatured without resorting to giving him buck teeth which recall Propoganda pictures of Tojo and which would require gnawing on bark to keep under control.
  • Elliot Spitzer - Penis chin. 'Nuff said.
  • Hillary Clinton - A fact which is only discernable through the text. Also an indication that Mallard believes that caricature consists of elongating chins and adding buck teeth.
  • Barack Obama - Comparison to a January caricature offers proof that the size of the chin is proportional to how much Mallard hates someone.
Vote, using the penis-chin on the right.

That damned Diligence

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Bush.

1. Post-hoc, ergo propter hoc.

2. By this logic, therefore, the President's lack of vigilance is responsible for 9-11.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

That damned bailout

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Bailout.

Hmmmm, now it is just a straight Bailout, without the scare quotes. Not sure what to make of that.

Anyway, we have a contender for the Worst Metaphor of 2009.

Unless this is not a metaphor and the secret bailout plan is to for Congress to gamble on sporting events and then fix the outcome!

Because that would be the most awesome solution to this problem I have ever heard.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

That damned Standard

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hollywood Execs, Decency Standards.

The Hollywood Exec is a responsible parent. He's capable of determining what his children will and won't be allowed to watch and, by all indications, capable of enforcing that. He's also a Free Market Capitalist, producing what people will consume.

Quite distinct from Mallard.

Mallard wants a Nanny-State to interfere with the Free Market. Big Government must make decisions regarding what is acceptable. He is incapable of keeping his children (or should I say chicks) away from indecent entertainment. And, as we have learned, there is nothing on TV that he won't watch. With his pants off.

And that, Ladies and Gentleman, is the Modern Conservative in a nutshell.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Golden Ellipses: Least Helpful Asterisk

And the winner is...

Barack Obama
The nominees for Least Helpful Asterisk are:
  • Global Warming, ascribed to "US Senate Report"
  • Global Cooling, just ask John McCain, John McLaughlin, John McMuffin? I give up.
  • School Vouchers Work, otherwise why would The Washington Times say they did?
  • Barack Obama said this. In case the caricature and speech balloon were not enough for Mallard's readers, there's an asterisk which directs you to his name.

* See the Internet

That damned Congress

What's Mallard raving about today?

Congress, The Bailout.

Again with the "bailout" in quotes. I really wish Mallard would explain why he thinks this is only a figurative bailout.

Although I suppose if I were a brainwashed ditto-head, I'd already know.

Anyway, if only 134 members of Congress drop dead laughing, there should still be a quorum, right? And the least sympathetic members died of laughter, so all in all, this sounds like a good Opportunity for Small Business to get what they want.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

That damned Big Foot

What's Mallard raving about today?

Racism, Big Foot.

Mallard is obsessed with precisely what terms he can use without being decried as a racist. I wonder why this precise topic is of such concern to him?

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

That damned Unity

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hillary Clinton, Democrats.

Hillary Clinton concern trolling was sooooooo effective in the General election, please keep at it.

Marketplace of ideas, indeed.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Golden Ellipses: Worst Metaphor

And the winner is...

Giant Burmese Pythons

The nominees for Worst Metaphor are:
  • The Race Card - Tossing racially charged rhetoric around is just like playing cards!
  • Giant Burmese Pythons - Mexicans, Cubans, and other Latin Americans are Giant Snakes.
  • Marketing Barack - Barack Obama is a breakfast cereal offering Hope 'N Change. John McCain, by contrast, offers voters Fruit 'n Fiber.
  • Photoshop Missle Defense - Comparing SDI to Photoshop fakery seems like a fairly accurate assessment. Which is why I am sure I must have misunderstod Mallard's intent.
  • Chinese Makeover - China's human rights and environmental record is funny...when you compare it to an old lady getting her hair done.
Vote early, vote often!

Those damned speech codes

What's Mallard raving about today?

Speech Codes, Academic Standards.

Monday: The First Amendment sucks and when the press use it to say good things about Barack Obama, it outrages me!

Tuesday: The First Amendment is sacred and speech codes outrage me!

Mallard Fillmore: stateless waterfowl, rage machine.

Monday, January 12, 2009

That damned Challenge

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, Secret Service, The Media.

I'm not actually certain this falls under the Secret Service's mandate, but Mallard may know more about oral-anal contact than I do.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Those damned predictions

What's Mallard raving about today?

Freedom of Speech, Oprah, Barack Obama.

Nominating Oprah to the Supreme Court would be as absurd as, say, President Bush nominating Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court.

And since Mallard never moaned about that, obviously it must never have happened.

Oh, wait...

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Golden Ellipses: Worst Rhyme Scheme

And the Winner is...

Mallentine from Barack to Hillary!

The nominees for Worst Rhyme Scheme are:
  • BCS Voting - no discernable meter, one line with no rhyme at all, and a sign which breaks the whole thing up
  • Mallentine from Barack to Hillary - The text makes no sense whatever, and the final line is unimaginably bad.
  • Damp Stamp - 33 words to rhyme damp with stamp...and damp is thrown into the text only to enable the rhyme!
  • Bitter Pigeons - Shoot a pigeon? When you have to go this far to create a rhyme, use prose.
  • Speech Codes - At least twice as many words as necessary.
Note: Blogger's Polling widget sucks, it may be later tonight before I get a working poll up.

That damned defintion

What's Mallard raving about today?

Liberals, Asians, the NBA.

Institutional racism, on the off chance that Mallard cares what the terms he uses mean, was defined by Stokely Carmichael as: "the collective failure of an organization to provide an appropriate and professional service to people because of their colour, culture or ethnic origin."

Being allowed to play in the NBA is not a professional service they offer to people. In point of fact, the NBA is discriminates entirely based on merit, based on talent. If you are good enough to play, nothing else matters.

If the NBA were to actually exhibit an Institutional Racism, say by preventing Asians from buying tickets, Mallard would defend the Invisible Hand of the Free Market while Liberals would decry racism.

Friday, January 09, 2009

Those damned Kennedys

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Kennedys.

Current there are 2 Kennedys in Congress (0.3% of 535 members):
  • Sen. Kennedy, Edward (D-MA)
  • Rep. Kennedy, Patrick (D-RI-1st)
Two of the last three Presidents have been from the Bush family, and both of them left office with the economy is utter shambles.

But in Mallard's world, it's the influence of the Kennedy family we need to worry about.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

That damned game

What's Mallard raving about today?

The BCS.

Mallard Fillmore in a nutshell: don't bother being funny when you can just express bitter rage.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Meta-Post: Golden Ellipses!

The dirty deed (reading an entire year's worth of Mallard Fillmore) is done, and we are ready to begin voting for the 2008 Golden Ellipses.

This year's categories:
  • Worst Rhyme Scheme
  • Worst Metaphor
  • Least Helpful Asterisk
  • Least Accurate Caricature
  • Most Interminable Series or Running Theme
  • Most Disturbing Image (Mental or Visual)
  • Creativity in Cartooning (Highest Text-to-Image Ratio)
  • Creepiest Unintentional Self-Revelation
  • The Golden Flash (Most Mystifying Panel)
  • The IOKIYAR Award (for Brazenness or Hypocrisy)
  • Most Violent Assault on the English Language
  • Achievement in Oversimplification or Willful Ignorance
  • Limbaugh Award for Best Regurgitation of Talking Points
  • Ray Bolger Award for Invention in Straw Men

That damned Dole

What's Mallard raving about today?

Cars. Bob Dole.

Why is the car named after Bob Dole?

May I suggest:
Chevrolet will introduce a line of cars which run on taxpayer money.
For God's sake, Mallard, get an editor and tell them to eliminate at least half of your words every single day.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

That damned Michele Obama

What's Mallard raving about today?

Michele Obama, The Clintons.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, is more indicative of the complete intellectual bankruptcy of the Conservative movement than their continuing obsession with a blow job from 1996.

And, yes, I am avoiding discussion of whatever sort of harpy that is supposed to be.

Monday, January 05, 2009

That damned hair

What's Mallard raving about today?

Rod Blagojevich

So, today's joke, such as it is, is that Rod Blagojevich has funny hair.

This incisive observation, little more than a schoolyard taunt, is appearing in newspapers across America as an example of Republican wit.

To make matters better, the accompanying picture doesn't even look like Blagojevich's hair.

On another note, I can now spell Blagojevich without having to look it up. That's not good. (Update: I spoke too soon!)

Sunday, January 04, 2009

Those damned expectations

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, Racism.

After voting for President Bush, twice, once can excuse Mallard for assuming a Presidency is successful if the President can just avoid crapping his pant in public. I don't have time for a Google search, but I am assuming that, by that standard, Bush qualifies. Though it would not surprise me to find out I was wrong.

Personally, I prefer to set my sights a little higher than Mallard. I prefer a President who starts his term with lofty aspirations for himself and from America.

If Obama doesn't succeed, it will (most likely) be because small-minded idiots preferred ideology over results. Which is the only yardstick by which the Bush Administration can be considered a success.

As for any charges that the Republican party represent race-baiting bigots, actions will speak for themselves.

Saturday, January 03, 2009

That damned perspective

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Bailout, Rod Blagojevich.

Swing, and a miss. Could have been, should have been, funny. Of course, Mallard's loose affiliation with reality and grammar ruins it.

First off, it's a bailout, not a "bailout." The only way it would be a "bailout" is if the writer does not understand the proper use of quotation marks or if the writer has a tinfoil hat theory on the bailout in which it does not actually qualify for that term. Far be it from me to defend the bailout, especially the way it has been administered to date, however whatever dog whistle is being employed here is likely delusional.

Second, no one bought a U.S. Senator. Framing the scandal that way is a propagandist's ham-handed attempt to change the issue and imply guilt regarding someone other than Blagojevich. If Mallard wanted to make the joke work, he could have said "buy a U.S. Senate Seat 4,652 times". But, of course, Mallard actually prefers propaganda to making a joke work.

Friday, January 02, 2009

That damned...OH MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT?

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, The Media.

We'll be hard pressed to find a better nominee for next year's Golden Ellipse for "Least Accurate Caricature" during the next 363 days of 2009. For God's sake. Barack Obama does not have two chins, penis-chin or otherwise.

Speaking of the Golden Ellipses...I am preparing as we speak. This would go a lot faster if I didn't have to read a year's worth of Mallard Fillmore, which has to be done in small doses.

I will note, however, that in Jan/Feb of last year, Mallard was bitterly complaining about Hillary Clinton and the media's love of Hillary Clinton. What a difference a year makes.

Thursday, January 01, 2009

That damned hope

What's Mallard raving about today?

The New Year, Barack Obama, Hope, Change.

Yeah. God forbid anyone be optimistic.

Mallard's relentless drumbeat against change, against optimism, against hope, and his calls for the status quo reminded me of this quote from Robert Kennedy:
Men without hope, resigned to despair and oppression, do not make revolutions. It is when expectation replaces submission, when despair is touched with the awareness of possibility, that the forces of human desire and the passion for justice are unloosed.
Mallard can bleat all he wants. But the rest of us are no longer resigned to despair and oppression, despite the last 8 years. So long as we don't allow Mallard and his ilk to dampen our expectations or our awareness of possibility, 2009 holds as much promise for change and hope as we can make of it.

The revolution starts in 2009, the revolution which will return America to it's promise. We don't need Mallard, and he wants no part of it anyway.

One last note as we go into the New Year on the matter of comments. I have no plans to moderate comments because I don't ever want to be an arbiter of what can and can't be said. I will simply remind everyone of what you already know. Trolls are not looking to have a rational discussion. As such you can't engage them in rational discourse. Feed the trolls if it amuses you, but keep in mind that you are giving them what they want.