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Monday, January 31, 2011

That damned Sheriff

What's Mallard raving about today?

Sheriff Dupnik, Giffords Assasination.

Sheriff Dupnik said the following: "When you look at unbalanced people, how they respond to the vitriol that comes out of certain mouths about tearing down the government. The anger, the hatred, the bigotry that goes on in this country is getting to be outrageous. And unfortunately, Arizona I think has become sort of the capital. We have become the mecca for prejudice and bigotry."

Notice, no where did he say Right Wing or Left Wing. And yet, the Right Wing freak out went into full force, because they self-identified with the quote. How did they know he was talking about them? He could have been talking about President Obama and his Socialist plot to tear down America, right?

The Right Wing freak-out over this quote is proof that these psychopaths understand exactly what they are doing and the risk they are taking with other people's lives. It is also perfect proof that they simply don't care.

Oh, and still not one single word of sympathy for the shooting victims.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

That damned Question

What's Mallard raving about today?

Himself, The Media, Unemployment.

Hey kids, remember how Mallard was unemployed? Well, he still is apparently, although he spent all week bitching about stuff rather than looking for a job.

But don't worry, it's not his fault. It's because he's conservative. Or because Gays will be allowed to openly serve in the Military. Or something...frankly, his logic is kind of hard to follow.

But suffice it to say you fucking hippies are to blame for something!

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Those damned People

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Unemployed

Mallard, who really can't be said to have done anything to find a new job other than complain really (Will complain for food), thinks the unemployed are lazy bastards.

Showing approximately the same compassion for them as he did for the victims of the assassination attempt in Arizona.

Where most of us have common decency, Mallard simply has a gaping black hole of hate.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Those damned Polls

What's Mallard raving about today?


After 4 days of taking cheap shots at Liberals and the Media using ridiculous Straw Men, on Day 5 Mallard chastises the Media for taking cheap shots.

Also, 5 days have gone by without any show of respect for the actual victims.

Stay classy, Mallard!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Those damned Storms

What's Mallard raving about today?

Sarah Palin.

Day 4 of Mallard Fillmore defending the real victims of the Arizona shooting. Those people who got shot were just showboating; poor Sarah Palin was asked to consider the effect her words might have.

How will she ever recover?

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Those damned Guns

What's Mallard raving about today?

Liberals, Guns.

When there's an incidence of violence against a Conservative, I'll remember that.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

That damned Blame

What's Mallard raving about today?

Muslims, Sarah Palin.

Of all the things about the response to this tragedy that makes me crazy, it's the Right Wing Straw Man that they are being "blamed" (the poor little victims).

In point of fact, you lackwit, what rational people are saying is that super-heated eliminationist rhetoric, especially the kind that plays to paranoia about a government that is "coming to get you/your children/your grandparents/your guns," can contribute to crazy people doing crazy things. And while you may not be to blame, why would you want to contribute?

Put another way, I'm sure Mallard and his Right Wing puppet masters would have no compunction about muzzling radical Muslim Clerics preaching about America as the Great Satan, on the grounds that it fosters terrorism.

Monday, January 24, 2011

That damned Gun

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Liberals.

False equivalence on parade...

While I don't actually agree that quoting The Untouchables constitutes violent eliminationist rhetoric, such as that employed by the Right Wing, let's stipulate to this for the moment.

Mallard, when you can come up with a list like this, both in terms of the clear incitement to violence and in terms of the stature of the speakers (e.g., a random commenter on a blog doesn't count), we can talk about how both sides do it.

Until then: You are the only ones talking about "Second Amendment remedies" so don't try to pretend otherwise.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Those damned Rich

What's Mallard raving about today?

Liberals, The Rich.

Conservatives, The Early Years: The Rich imploded our entire society, let's sacrifice everyone but the Rich until things right themselves. Wait, what do you mean I'm not one of the Rich? Well, I still insist this is the right course of action, even though it is not in my best interest.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Those damned Youth

What's Mallard raving about today?

Kids, Government employees.

Kids today! And Government employees, amiright?

Wait, what does the fact that I'm unemployable have to do with anything? Look at those kids and those Government employees! The fact that I have no skills is not worth commenting on. Seriously, look at them, not me!

By the way, and apropos of nothing: Keith Olbermann was dropped from MSNBC...that damned Liberal media!

Friday, January 21, 2011

That damned Suggestion

What's Mallard raving about today?

Katie Couric, Muslims, Baby Boomers.

What happens when you decide to just toss two completely disparate and irrational hatreds into a single panel? You get today's completely mystifying effort.

Katie Couric, amiright? And Muslims, imagine them having a TV sitcom!Oh, and you Baby Boomers with your Bob Dylan and pot smoking! All of you...get off of my lawn!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

That damned Milestone

What's Mallard raving about today?

Baby Boomers.

Well, now you're just making stuff up to be pissed about. I mean, seriously? At some point on this day Mallard thought to himself, "You know what I hate? Baby Boomers."

Sad, very sad. If he wasn't a hateful prick, you'd pit Mallard.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

That damned Term

What's Mallard raving about today?

Journalists, Illegal Immigrants.

One the one hand, I ask myself the question: what time of mind it takes to get this upset over absolutely nothing?

On the other hand, the insult "politically correct toadying elitist left wing flacks" indicates that I'm dealing with someone who never got beyond a petty middle school bully's mentality.

So, I guess what I am saying my answer.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

That damned Problem

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Media.

Mallard Fillmore favors speech codes which require the use of specific language which matches his particular ideology.

By the way, speech codes suck.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Those damned Resolutions

What's Mallard raving about today?

New Year's Resolutions.

"Set your sights low."

Perhaps the most accurate description of Mallard's career ever in print.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Those damned Predictions

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Wikileaks, Democrats, Republicans.

When the Republican Base stop acting like complete fucking loons, we can fix that last one. Until then, well...if the shoe fits.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

That damned Mars

What's Mallard raving about today?

Global Warming.

Mallard Fillmore: Though I have no understanding of science whatever, the fact that I am a useful idiot for corporate interests (who, incidentally, do not have my best interests at heart) gives me the chutzpah to comment on science.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Those damned Clintons

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Clinton

On the evidence, former Democratic Presidents stay in the limelight for using their stature to do things that benefit humanity while former Republican Presidents retreat to their estates and just live out their lives with no further human contact.

Oh and (yawn) Hillary is going to (yawn) challenge Obama for the (zzzzzzzzzzz)

Thursday, January 13, 2011

That damned Fix

What's Mallard raving about today?

Education, Taxes.

I don't seem to recall these huge increases in Education spending to which Mallard refers.

I do recall No Child Left Behind, which altered the focus from teaching children to preparing them to takes tests to which funding levels are tied.

Of course, being  Bush Administration policy, that could  not possibly bear any of the blame for poor test scores.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Those Damned Liberals

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teabaggers, Liberals.

Keep people so agitated that they shoot more Liberals between now and the next election and you may just be right.

But it still doesn't make you right...or smart.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Those damned Presbyterians

What's Mallard raving about today?

Presbyterians, Nigerians (and pretty much anyone not white)

It's amazing how often I get to say this on this blog, but, once again: Nice timing.

Interesting also is how White Americans who commit acts of terror are always lone nutjobs whose politics and religion have nothing to do with their acts of madness.

Not true of Nigerians, Saudis, Afghans, or Syrians...wonder what's behind that?

Monday, January 10, 2011

That damned (cough!) (cough!)

What's Mallard raving about today?

Naked People, TSA.

I was too sick (with some sort of plague distributed at CES) to get out of bed, let alone read Mallard Fillmore.

Feel free to snark in retrospect.

Sunday, January 09, 2011

That damned BCS

What's Mallard raving about today?

The BCS.

We interrupt your usual whinging for Mallard's annual whinge about the BCS.

We''l be back to our usual whinging momentarily.

Saturday, January 08, 2011

That damned Tush

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, The Media.

Wait a second, if President Obama is emulating President Bush, how is that he's also an Islamofacist Socialist Marxist Usurper, born in Kenya, who is hell bent on weakening America by not bringing on a global Financial Armageddon?

Friday, January 07, 2011

That Damned Codes

What's Mallard raving about today?

Speech Codes, US Universities.

Standard Mallard Fillmore Poetic Structure:

  1. Dog Whistle
  2. Straw Man
  3. Statement of Victimhood
  4. Mantle of Patriotism

This structure is used in lieu of actual thought, content, or a salient point. Oh and there should be no meter or rhythm of course.

Thursday, January 06, 2011

That damned Compromise

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama

What's sort of funny, in a desperately unfunny way, is that Republican opponents grossly characterize President Obama as an intransigent tyrant who is reshaping the United States into some sort of Socialist state. Democratic opponents, by contrast, grossly characterize President Obama as a spineless who negotiates with himself and us largely unwilling to fight for anything.

Neither is true, of course. But as is usually the case, at least the Democratic characterization is not totally unhinged from reality and instead moored to Fox Reality.

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

That damned Pop Tart

What's Mallard raving about today?

Pop Tarts.

For those who have long wondered what young starlet, the so-called Pop Tart, so enflames Mallard's passions, we can now reasonably surmise that he has a thing for Lindsey Lohan.

And, in Mallard World, this is doing wonders for her career. Of course, as we all know, in Mallard World everything is pretty much the opposite of whatever he says, so...

Update: Changed the date, will try to get to today's comic at some point.

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Those damned Huns

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Huns.

Because when you think of Attila, you think of caving in.  And when you think of the Democratic Base, Huns immediately spring to mind.

And early but strong contender for the Worst Metaphor in 2011.

(Note, for future reference, that Mallard is not bleating about the increase in deficit the compromise represents.)

Monday, January 03, 2011

Those damned Fans

What's Mallard raving about today?

Reality TV.

Which of the following is more hypocritical on the part of Mallard Fillmore?

  1. Writing something like this when Mallard feels that "average, hardworking Americans need a break instead of a lecture".
  2. Arguing against the Free Market when it comes to TV he purportedly doesn't like.
  3. Criticizing people for their TV habits when he seems to spend at least 50% of his daily strips plopped in front of the TV.
  4. Pretending this is not actually expressing a deep-seated self-loathing regarding his own guilty TV pleasures.

Sunday, January 02, 2011

Saturday, January 01, 2011

Happy New Year!

What's Mallard raving about today?

New Year's Eve.

Mallard believes companies throw New Year's Eve Parties.

Let that information provide context for Mallard's grasp on reality for the rest of 2011.