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Monday, June 30, 2008

That damned Hope

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hope, Change, The Sixties.

I said it before, I'll say it again. Mallard hates hope.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

That damned species

What's Mallard raving about today?

Climate Change, Polar Bears, Humans.

With Mallard providing the example, that Polar Bear's got a fair question.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

That damned price

What's Mallard raving about today?

Housing and Gas Prices.

Apparently Mallard is aware of the housing crisis and rising gas prices. He has absolutely nothing of value to say about either matter. But he wants his readers to know he is aware, nonetheless. So he combines both into a single incomprehensible panel.


Friday, June 27, 2008

That damned address

What's Mallard raving about today?

People who write to him.

Someone wake me up when Mallard finishes answering/insulting everyone who has corresponded with him.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

That damned Grammar

What's Mallard raving about today?

Grammar, Democrats.

First, I do not believe for one second Mallard's fantasy about receiving thousands hundreds of emails about the use of the phrase "none is." A little too self-aggrandizing, wouldn't you say?

Second, Mallard's math only holds true if you totally disenfranchise everyone in caucus states and assume Senator Obama would receive no votes at all in Michigan (where his name was not on the ballot). In other words, it requires a level of empty-headedness that can only come from a steady diet of self-reinforcing propaganda: Limbaugh, O'Reilly, Hannity, & Fox "News".

Finally, the winner of the Democratic Primary will be the next President of the United States, so you may keep your concern over the process, we'll keep Barack Obama.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Those damned Liberals

What's Mallard raving about today?

SUVs, Liberals, The Federal Government.

It's hard to make a coherent complaint when your grasp of the mechanics of the English language is limited.

For example, today's panel clearly states that placating Liberals involves decrying the Federal Government as huge wasteful, overpriced, and unnecessary. Who wants to bet that's not what Mallard actually meant?

Also, unnecessary? Mallard is an anarchist who believes the Federal Government is unnecessary?

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

That damned cereal

What's Mallard raving about today?

Cereal, Barack Obama

If Hope 'N Change is a reference Barack Obama, then Fruit 'n Fiber must be a reference to John McCain who is old and...fruity, I guess.

By the way, apparently coming up with 5 fake cereal names was too much effort, so Mallard stopped at 3.

Monday, June 23, 2008

That damned Sequel

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Seventies, Barack Obama, Jimmy Carter

The Mallard Fillmore empty-headed echo chamber is right on schedule.

Good luck winning the general election with the President Carter comparison against a President Bush comparison.

Still, I like the fact that Mallard labeled Barack Obama for us. Apparently even he is not entirely satisfied with his drawing capabilities.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Those damned college students

What's Mallard raving about today?

College Grads, Books, CDs.

Mallard is a Luddite and a cranky old man who hates youth. Knock me over with a feather.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Those damned wedding vows

What's Mallard raving about today?

Wedding Vows.

A discernible joke and non-political content (unless someone finds a way to stretch this to fit Gay Marriage)...

I assume Mallard is on vacation and there is a ghost writer for today's strip.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

That damned Tell-All Book

What's Mallard raving about today?

Scott McLellan

Mallard would get no argument from me that Scott McLellan is a coward, though I doubt we'd agree if we fell to discussing what makes him a coward.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

That damned legislation

What's Mallard raving about today?

Jupiter, Polar Bears, Global Warming

Speaking for the polar bears, that's a good thing, considering that the lack of an Oxygen atmosphere on Jupiter would (among other things) kill the bears.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Those damned Activists

What's Mallard raving about today?

Global-Warming Activists, Mars, Jupiter, SUVs.

If Global-Warming activists did believe that it was caused only by Republican activity, they would demonstrate as much understanding of Scienece as Ignorant-of-all-this-Science-Stuff-and-Proud-of-it Mallard.

As it is, however, this Straw Man argument is tired and lacks Evil Sun.

Monday, June 16, 2008

That damned Science

What's Mallard raving about today?

Global Warming.

Uncool, Mallard. Really uncool. Under no circumstances should you write something like this without including everybody's favorite Mallard character, Evil Sun.

It's also not cool to conflate periodic moderate changes in planetary temperature based on solar activity with the sudden and historically rapid change in Earth's temperature which the vast majority of the non-lobbyist scientific community agree has been exacerbated by human activity.

But, I want to focus on what's really important Evil Sun!

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Those damned Dads

What's Mallard raving about today?


I'm not going to mention the not so subtle comment made by the color of the childless father's fatherless child's skin.

I would however like to point out that for all the good they do, Dads seem to cause elephantitis of the head.

See, I managed to get through this without mentioning the not so subtle comment made by the color of the childless father's fatherless child's skin.

Update: Thanks for pointing out the error...big difference.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Those damned Professors

What's Mallard raving about today?

U.S. College Professors, Communism, China.

Today's panel would have made just as much sense and been just as funny if Mallard had left out everything which precedes "U.S. College Professors."

Friday, June 13, 2008

That damned SNL

What's Mallard raving about today?

Presidential candidates, SNL.

Who here believes that Mallard is still awake on Saturday night when SNL comes on?

Thursday, June 12, 2008

That damned Zoe

What's Mallard raving about today?


"Hi, I'm Zoe, I say whatever this duck wants me to say because it's the only way he can win arguments."

"Hi Zoe, welcome to Straw Men Anonymous"

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Those damned Baby Boomers

What's Mallard raving about today?

Baby Boomers.

Make fun of an entire generation of people by stereotyping them and then mock their age-related problems.

Apparently Mallard is going for the Bitter Crank of the Year award.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Those damned pigeons

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, Pigeons.

Because "bitter" is a word that one would never apply to Mallard.

Hey Mallard, you know who plays acoustic guitar? Elitists...and Hippies.

Monday, June 09, 2008

Those damned Elitists

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, Beer, Coffee

I prefer to choose my Presidents by criteria beyond their beer or coffee preference. But whatever works for you, Mallard...

Saturday, June 07, 2008

Those damned bears

What's Mallard raving about today?

Polar Bears, Straw Men.

Because polar bear population has increased during a period of time, nothing is wrong. Trust Mallard, he is not cherry-picking his information.

Pay no attention to the article...
Although the population of bears has grown from a low of about 12,000 in the late 1960s to approximately 25,000 today, our scientists advise me that computer modeling projects a significant population decline by the year 2050," [Interior Secretary Dirk] Kempthorne said. "This, in my judgment, makes the polar bear a threatened species--one likely to become in danger of extinction in the foreseeable future.

Friday, June 06, 2008

That damned Law

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, Energy.

Robert Kennedy, 1968: "There are those that look at things the way they are, and ask why? I dream of things that never were, and ask why not?"

Mallard Fillmore, 2008: "Changing things is hard. Let's not even try."

Thursday, June 05, 2008

That damned Straw Media

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Media.

This assertion is no more defensible today than it was in February.

But I think I can help.

Mallard, those voices in your head are not "The Media."

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

That damned campaign

What's Mallard raving about today?

Senator Clinton, Senator Obama.

Come again? Senator Clinton and Senator Obama are responsible for all future negative campaigns?

Besides which, I defy Mallard to point to a moment when either candidate actually claimed unfair treatment because of their gender or race...a lunatic supporter on YouTube does not count.

This entire panel is, to put it mildly, horse shit.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

That damned sanity

What's Mallard raving about today?

Gas Station Attendants, Trial Lawyers.

Does anyone know all these other heroes Mallard reference, to whom this has happened? Because this is the first I've heard of such an incident.

I specifically don't want to know about all the ex-heroes who took the same action with much worse results.

Monday, June 02, 2008

That damned John McCain

What's Mallard raving about today?

John McCain.

While you may not agree with Mallard about Senator McCain, today's panel basically works...until he tacks that last line onto it: "and fired himself from his campaign."

Mallard apparently doesn't understand that McCain fired the lobbyists running his campaign because they wreak havoc on his image as a "Maverick Outsider" which has nothing to do with anyone being Conservative.

Apparently Mallard can't be Truthful about anyone, Left, Right or Center.

Sunday, June 01, 2008

Those damned speeches

What's Mallard raving about today?

Universities, Speeches.

The most horrifying thing? Mallard fantasizes about being invited to speak at graduations.