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Sunday, September 30, 2007

That damned musical

What's Mallard raving about today?

Education, the NEA.

Today, Mallard illustrates the end result of merging your obsessions (the NEA, Education) with a Pop Culture reference to which you are not actually familiar, except to name it.

Apropos of yesterday's panel, most people could have predicted how awful the end result would be without writing, drawing, and publishing it. Mallard, however, had to do the research, personally.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Those damned Men

What's Mallard raving about today?

Men, Indiana University.

This is the kind of joke that would be pathetic if the topic of the study were to just come up randomly and this were your off-the-cuff bon mot.

But if you have to bring up the study yourself...

Friday, September 28, 2007

That damned Liberal Inquisition

What's Mallard raving about today?

History, Global Warming.

On the one hand, I'm glad we're finally off the Nantucket Sound series.

On the other hand, what the hell kind of ADD-induced dementia brought this sudden shift of topic on? And how is it a historical re-enactment if he's being burned for a completely modern idea? Shouldn't this have been part of his "Liberals: The Early Days" series of works?

That said, points scored for the sudden dramatic reveal of Liberal Straw Inquisitor's ponytail.

Points off to the hapless boob who couldn't be bothered to dress appropriately for this historical re-enactment. He should be burned for that plaid shirt alone.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

That damned Yacht

What's Mallard raving about today?

Ted Kennedy, Solar Farms, being "Green", Yachting.

Guess what I heard? Apparently Ted Kennedy worked to prevent a wind farm from being erected in Nantucket Sound.

For what it's worth, I object to the fact that we've now seen Ted Kennedy's underwear but we never got to see Larry Craig's underwear.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

That damned rodent

What's Mallard raving about today?

Ted Kennedy, Solar Power.

Just see yesterday's post. Since Mallard has basically repeated himself, I'll just do likewise.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

That damned Wind

What's Mallard raving about today?

Ted Kennedy, Wind Power, Liberals.

Ha! It's funny because Liberals can't hold nuanced positions on any issue! It's always all-or-nothing with those Liberals!

A word of advice for Mallard, however. You really should not do topics that The Daily Show has already done, because you don't come off well by comparison. (Sadly, I couldn't find a video of the Cape Wind segment to link to.)

Monday, September 24, 2007

That damned message

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hillary Clinton.

Did Senator Clinton make such a remark and then retract it? If so, I have just one question...why would she retract it? At this point, I suspect only the Kool-Aid drinkers and dead-enders don't see Republicans as the Party of terrorist fear-mongering.

That said, that's the most flattering caricature of Senator Clinton Mallard has ever done.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

That damned Chloe

What's Mallard raving about today?

Parenting, Videos, Reading.

Who the hell is Chloe? And does Mallard realize that reading to her in her infancy will only make her uppity for book-learning?

Is it just me or is Mallard spending an inordinate amount of time just complaining about humanity in general these days?

Saturday, September 22, 2007

That damned Stream-of-Consciousness

What's Mallard raving about today?

Baggy pants.

8 days ago, Mallard began discussing this topic and followed that thread for 2 days.

That train of thought was interrupted by the sudden need to criticize television, which lasted for one day.

Then he spent 2 days defending Larry Craig, which at least would have counted as breaking news, though of course with the delay in publishing it's old news.

Then, he followed the urge to criticize Hilary Clinton and the wives of other candidates for reasons passing understanding, an urge which lasted 2 whole days.

After which he needed to publish a panel which would coincide with the end of summer, because the joke was just too hilarious to pass up.

Then, and only then, did he manage to return to the topic of baggy pants.

It's like reading Ulysses, for Christ's sake, if Ulysses had been written by a bitter, incoherent, and manic Duck, of course.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

That damned Auxiliary

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hillary Clinton.

It took me forever to figure out today's panel. But then, I suddenly realized that, in Mallard's world, he believes Hillary has some sort of machine and that her statement about the right-wing conspiracy is not meant to be ironic. Meaning that Mallard either believes Hillary did, in some way, defeat the right-wing noise machine or that it never existed.

At that point, the panel starts to take some sort of shape.

None of which explains how Hillary reads the newspaper through closed eyes or how she reads page 1 when she's clearly turned to page 4.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Those damned wives

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Candidates Wives.

I don't understand. Why is it Jay Leno's job to humiliate Hillary Clinton?

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Those damned donkeys

What's Mallard raving about today?

Larry Craig, Bathrooms.

To recap...

David Vitter (who comes from a state in which a Democratic Governor would choose his successor if he resigned) is revealed to frequent hookers, albeit heterosexual hookers, and Republicans rally to his defense.

Larry Craig (who comes from a state in which a Republican Governor would choose his successor if he resigned) is revealed to have plead guilty to soliciting gay sex in a Minnesota airport bathroom, and Republicans toss him under the bus.

And Democrats have no shame.

Also, Mallard has convinced himself that Craig was not soliciting sex, he was just tapping his toes.

Does that about sum it up? Can I take the rest of the week off?

Monday, September 17, 2007

That damned donkey

What's Mallard raving about today?

Donkeys, Bathrooms, Larry Craig.

Hey, Mallard, it's the Republicans who threw your BFF Larry Craig under the bus.

And if you'd gone with an Elephant in this panel, you wouldn't have to stretch back to Chappaquiddick and the Clinton Administration to name 4 scandals. Hell, there's 4 Republican scandals a week these days.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

That damned garbage

What's Mallard raving about today?


This is actually a perfect metaphor, only not for what Mallard thinks. TV producers wouldn't put such garbage out if it weren't for the fact that idiots like Mallard will sit there and watch it even when it is metaphorically like being covered in garbage and feces.

That said, if Mallard were to sit in front of his TV rather than some sort of garbage chute, he might not literally be covered in garbage and feces.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Those damned baggy pants

What's Mallard raving about today?

Baggy Pants.

The fact that Mallard is so affected by other people's pants that he felt compelled to devote 2 days (and counting) of nationally-syndicated page space to complaining about baggy pants should tell you all you ever needed to know to about Mallard Fillmore.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Those damned Iranians

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teenagers, Pants, Iran.

While essentially shouting "you kids get off of my lawn!" Mallard inadvertently wins the award for Strangest Juxtaposition of the Year.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Those damned candidates

What's Mallard raving about today?

Fugitives, Republican Presidential Candidates.

Unfortunately, they won't put you in Witness Protection to testify against yourself in the matter of your own law-breaking, so most Republican lawmakers are not eligible.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

That damned Michael Vick

What's Mallard raving about today?

Michael Vick.

The moment of truth arrives! Will Mallard manage to tie Michael Vick together with the dog-eating Chinese?

I'm atwitter with excitement!

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Those damned terrorists

What's Mallard raving about today?

Terrorist plots, The New York Times.

Sorry for the late post, for 2 straight days the Chronicle site hasn't been displaying Mallard at night.

Anyway, today Mallard is agog over the Kennedy terrorist plot (which the New York Times put on page 37, but Mallard made no mention of for over 2 months), thus proving the point he started to make yesterday.

You can divide the world into the Post 9-11 Bed Wetters (who will go down in history alongside the supporters of the Alien & Sedition Acts, Internment, and Joseph McCarthey) and those who want to adhere to core American values no matter what the threat.

Monday, September 10, 2007

That damed Day

What's Mallard raving about today?

9-11 anniversary, voting.

I will leave it to commenters to speculate just what Mallard would say constitutes "knowing the difference."

I have to focus on the stupidity of this statement: "It's still incredible to me that one day in history could make such a difference."

Given that history is replete with days that made "such a difference" (c.f., Pearl Harbor, Luther's 95 Theses) we can only surmise that Mallard knows absolutely nothing of history.

You know what Santayana said about those who cannot learn from history? What do you think he'd say about those who cannot even be bothered to try to learn it?

Sunday, September 09, 2007

Meta-Post: That damned Comic Site

Mallard's not appearing right now over at the Houston Chronicle, so we'll have to wait until tomorrow to find out if Mallard's gotten off the runway.

Those damned prey animals

What's Mallard raving about today?

China, Prey Animals.

It doesn't happen often, but I'd have to say today's panel is a success, making the point with some actual whimsy and drawings that contribute rather than detract.

The crowning achievement is the two-finned "of dear!" gesture by the shark in the lower left. Nervous Nellie Shark joins Evil Sun and Moody Rat as characters I want to see more of.

All that, plus a respite from the airlines storyline.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Friday, September 07, 2007

That damned Co-Pilot

What's Mallard raving about today?

Airlines, Co-Pilots, Bird Calls.

Anyone care to hazard a guess whether Larry is actually the co-pilot or whether he is the pilot's ventriloquist dummy? Not that one is particularly funnier, but I find it interesting that the artwork panel is unclear on this point.

Oh, and blah, blah, airlines, blah, blah.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

That damned luggage

What's Mallard raving about today?


Three guesses about what happened to Mallard on his summer vacation...and the first two guesses don't count.

Apropos of nothing, why do you suppose the passengers appear to be recycled drawings of newscasters, holding their little sheets of paper, while placed in front of an airline seat backdrop? Is it so hard to draw someone sitting in a seat doing nothing?

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

That damned G. David McClure

What's Mallard raving about today?


Airline jokes. The surest admission that you are bereft of any actual ideas worth writing about.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Those damned Broncos

What's Mallard raving about today?

Boise State, College Football.

When we last left Mallard's obsessive complaining about college football and Boise State, the panel featured a grotesque drawing of an anthropomorphic Bronco with its arms on backward.

Today we get a caricature of a person, who I--and probably 90% of the world--can only assume is Boise State's head coach from the context.

And we are left with the question of how Mallard, his fat ass ensconced in a beige blob which is only convincing as a pillow and a Yellow Box of Snack FoodTM (Made in China) in his lap, is privy to pre-game motivational speeches.

Monday, September 03, 2007

Those damned Chinese

What's Mallard raving about today?

China, Reincarnation.

Yes. Thank God we live in a country of religious tolerance and freedom.

A country where a Hindu priest, for example, can be offered the privilege of saying the opening prayer in Congress without worry about tyranny from the political arm of the religious majority.


Sunday, September 02, 2007

Those damned essays

What's Mallard raving about today?


This reads literally as an indictment of children as dangerous free spirits. Which would definitely be the most curmudgeonly interpretation possible.

But it's hard to believe this isn't just another in a long string of indictments of the school system. Although that requires us to believe that, despite the fact that Mallard decries education standards, he views the lack of running and playing in the classroom, and preventing wanton trips to the bathroom to escape class as a flaw in the education system.

Of course, I doubt anyone actually cares which of those it is; what really matter is the question of how long he plans to keep up this rant?

Saturday, September 01, 2007

Those damned taxes

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teachers, taxes.

Hi, it's me Mr. Secretary of Defense. Support the Iraq War. Pay your taxes and shut up.

Hi, it's me Mr. Secretary of Homeland Security. Support warrantless wiretapping of your phone. Pay your taxes and shut up.

Hi, it's me Mr. Attorney General. Support turning the Justice Department into the law enforcement arm of the Republican Party. Pay your taxes and shut up.

Sorry, Mallard. You don't get to agree with the way every tax dollar gets spent. Welcome to the Social Contract.