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Friday, February 29, 2008

Golden Ellipses: Most Mystifying Panel

And the winner is...

The Golden Flash

In the category of "Most Mystifying Panel" we have the following nominees:

That damned underwear

What's Mallard raving about today?

Underwear, crying.

I'm disturbed to learn that Mallard equates change with wearing underwear on his head.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Those damned Cartoon Characters

What's Mallard raving about today?

Republican Presidential Candidates

I am way too lazy to confirm this myself, but my intuition tells me that roughly two weeks ago John McCain was declared the presumptive Republican nominee for President.

Which would begin to explain today and yesterday.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Golden Ellipses: Creativity in Cartooning (Highest Text-to-Image Ratio)

And the winner is...

Can't Even be Bothered to Draw Mallard's Body

In the category of "Creativity in Cartooning (Highest Text-to-Image Ratio)" we have the following nominees:

That damned Party

What's Mallard raving about today?

Republican Party, Democratic Party.

Mallard's version of the election year chant of "a plague on both your houses" is as incomprehensible as pretty much everything he does.

Anyone want to venture an opinion as to what the hell today is all about?

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Those damned photos

What's Mallard raving about today?

His readers.

"Until further notice" Mallard will be publishing photos of Hillary Clinton, instead of his usual buck-toothed caricatures. Which suggests that, at some point, Mallard is going to declare victory over his own readers and go back to doing caricatures. (I'm going to basically ignore the fact that Mallard is using the opinion pages of newspapers to carry on a feud with his own readers, but don't let that stop any of you.)

Whether the change back to caricatures happens because readers relent or because Mallard simply fabricates the reader capitulation (just as this current feud is almost certainly a fabrication or based on at most a very few letters) will be unclear when it happens.

When it does happen, I will simply refer you back to this post and take the rest of the evening off.

Monday, February 25, 2008

That damned caricature

What's Mallard raving about today?

Sexism, caricatures, Hillary Clinton.

I think we can all be proud of ourselves here, by Mallard's standard. We've definitely made fun of Mallard's attempts to caricature both Barack Obama (earning him a Golden Ellipses nomination) and Fred Thompson (the one and only time Thompson appeared).

But I started this blog on 23 August, 2006. In that entire time I cannot recall Rudy Giuliani ever appearing in Mallard Fillmore.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Golden Ellipses: Least Helpful Asterisk

And the winner is...


In the category of "Least Helpful Asterisk" we have the following nominees:

That damned potato

What's Mallard raving about today?

Potatoes, Political Correctness, Greetings.

If I may summarize, Mallard's "premise" today is that using the English language is not politically correct...and this message is delivered by a talking potato. As a result of this premise, he accuses an unnamed group of people (or potatoes) of not thinking.

Let me put it another way...after having a potato claim that using the English language is racist and/or sexist, Mallard accuses someone else of not thinking.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Those damned Britons

What's Mallard raving about today?

Britain, Education, Winston Churchill.

Alternately, this study might give rational adults hope that a certain idiot waterfowl will examine the data and come to the more reasoned conclusion that in any population a certain number of people are going to be ignorant, no matter what the education system is or does.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Those damned tears

What's Mallard raving about today?

Britons, Americans, Winston Churchill, Sherlock Holmes...the list goes on. But he's really just raving about Hillary Clinton.

Seriously, Mallard, why this massive amount of nonsense text simply to take a swipe at Hillary Clinton?

Show some guts and show some honesty and just put a big buck-toothed caricature of her on the page and proudly label it: I hate this fucking woman.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

That damned smirk

What's Mallard raving about today?

Smirks, President Bush, Hillary Clinton, The Media.

I wonder why the media spotlighted demonstrably false rumors that Barack Obama was educated at a Madrassa for weeks while President Bush's torture policies go virtually unnoticed.

I wonder why the media spotlighted Hillary Clinton's laugh for weeks while President Bush's illegal wiretapping of American citizens goes virtually unnoticed.

I wonder why the media spotlighted John Edwards haircut for weeks while the fact that President Bush's White House illegally deleted millions of emails goes virtually unnoticed.

Hey, this is fun!

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Golden Ellipses: Most Disturbing Image

And the winner is...

Peyton Manning's Neck

In the category of "Most Disturbing Image" we have the following nominees:

That damned asterisk

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Smithsonian, Global Cooling.

As a public service to readers of this blog, I am going to help you find the information Mallard is talking about, which is on

Having not been to the Smithsonian, I am unwilling (unlike Mallard) to comment on two items found on exhibits but taken out of their context and presented in isolation.

What is, however, fairly interesting to me is that "Scientists" have clearly joined the list of groups under attack from Mallard as small-minded bigots. The criteria for appearing on said list...hold a different opinion than one held by Mallard. Make of that what you like.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

That damned convolution

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hillary Clinton, Sexism, Convolution.

I'd like to focus on the fact that making stuff up and trying to pass it off as commentary is a more condescending and convoluted campaign against one's readers than a Presidential campaign in which the candidate has never said anything like what's being attributed to her by a delusional waterfowl.

But I am too disturbed by the fact that Condi Rice's lips appear to have migrated to Hillary's face and have to go lie down.

Monday, February 18, 2008

The Golden Ellipses: Most Interminable Series

And the winner is...

Drafting Walter Williams

In the category of "Most Interminable Series" we have the following nominees:

That damned Straw Man

What's Mallard raving about today?

A Senator Clinton Straw Man.

A Straw Man extraordinaire today! Let's see if we can't follow Mallard's example...

Q: Mallard, can you explain why so many people think you have sex with goats?
A: Because I do.

Hmmm, when you decide making shit up out of whole cloth is totally acceptable, this stuff just writes itself.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Those damned Pollsters

What's Mallard raving about today?

Pollsters, Anthropologists.

It doesn't happen often, but credit when due.

Today's panel made me smile and didn't offend me in any way.

In the final sign of the End Times, the artwork of the crazed hunter is almost amusing by itself.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

The Golden Ellipses: Creepiest Unintentional Self-Revelation

And the winner is...

Dust Angels

In the category of "Creepiest Unintentional Self-Revelation" we have the following nominees:

Those damned Agencies

What's Mallard raving about today?

Rodent readers, Agencies.

One of the products of Mallard's fevered imagination finally contains a kernel of truth! If I had to read this comic strip for 72 hours straight, I would die young...and probably by my own hand.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Those damned Conservatives

What's Mallard raving about today?

The G.O.P.

Mallard proves two truisms regarding the modern Republican:
  1. The Conservative movement is never wrong; it is only failed by leaders who aren't Conservative enough.
  2. Conservative leaders are always right, until they are no longer useful at which point they have always been wrong.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

The Golden Ellipses: Worst Rhyme Scheme

And the winner is...

Bill Loves Hillary

In the category of "Worst Rhyme Scheme" we have the following nominees:

That damned stamp

What's Mallard raving about today?

Stimulus checks, Taxes, President Bush, Congress.

If you'd asked me, back on 07 Feb, whether I thought Mallard could ever create a worse poem than the one he barfed up on that day, I would have said "No way."

I would have been wrong. Today's vomit is jaw-droppingly bad, almost to the point of sublimity.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Those damned rebates

What's Mallard raving about today?

Taxes, Rebates, the Poor.

The reason you can't contemplate it, Mallard, is that you're a shortsighted reactionary idiot.

The point of the economic stimulus package is not to be fair, but to inject money into the economy to stave off a recession.

Someone who gets a rebate and puts it into the bank provides no such benefit to the economy. Those who fall so far below the poverty line that the don't pay taxes will inject that money back into the economy with great certainty.

But don't that interfere with that most cherished of all your values: hatred of poor people. WWJD, indeed?

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Those damned quips

What's Mallard raving about today?

Bill Clinton, Interns.

Remember when Presidential misdeeds included adulterous oral sex with interns? Boy wasn't that horrible? Almost destroyed America.

Lots more damaging to the Republic than, say, wholesale trampling of the Constitution and attempting to outstrip the Spanish Inquisition when it comes to degrading treatment of other human beings.

That stuff is quaint by comparison to a blow job.

Monday, February 11, 2008

The Golden Ellipses: Limbaugh Award for Best Regurgitation of Talking Points

And the winner is...

Global Warming is a Scientific Controversy!

In the category of "Limbaugh Award for Best Regurgitation of Talking Points" we have the following nominees:

That damned Kennedy

What's Mallard raving about today?

Ted Kennedy, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton.

For those of you new to Mallard Fillmore or those who have allowed "Mallentines" to drift from memory, today is a case study in Mallantinery: a statement of no particular insight, import, or wit, set to an irregular rythym and sophomoric rhyme scheme, apocryphally attributed to a person in straw man fashion.

Beyond that I must admit I am unsettled by the use of the word cloying. In my lifetime I have heard many accusations hurled at Senator Clinton. The idea that she is cloying has never been among them.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

That damned Valentine's Day

What's Mallard raving about today?

Valentine's Day.

Mrs. Fillmore must feel so special.

Boy Mallard is really putting in the effort to keep moving the bar upward for bad poetry.

Saturday, February 09, 2008

That damned change

What's Mallard raving about today?

Democrats, Taxes, Change.

Without stipulating to Mallard's idiotic and dated stereotype, after the last 7 years I'll be happy with just about anyone who swears to preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution...and actually means it.

Friday, February 08, 2008

Those damned feminists

What's Mallard raving about today?

Feminists, Hillary Clinton.

Mallard reveals his ignorance, with a special focus on his ignorance of the difference between actual feminism and the cartoonish fear-mongering feminism perpetuated by Republicans and their water carriers.

Despite the tattoo-sporting diesel dyke and the suggestion that feminists object to men helping them, the single most egregious idiocy on display is the idea that a woman who has a serious chance to become the first President of the United States has set feminism back 50 years.

You've got a long way to come, Mallard.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Meta-Post: Awards

Per a great suggestion from Michael in yesterday's comments, let's look back fondly at Mallard's 2007 and have the first annual {still to be named} Awards!

Post suggestions for good award categories in the comments! Or a suggestion for a good name for the awards.

That damned rhyme scheme

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton.

Wow. Just...Wow. This ranks as Mallard single worst rhyme scheme ever. No contest. And that is saying something.

Not to mention that he still manages to be shocked by political attacks, but only when they come from the Clintons.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Those damned lenders

What's Mallard raving about today?

Greedy Lenders, Liberals.

I was tempted to say that Mallard's over-simplification of the housing crisis contained a shred of truth.

But I can't escape the fact that he's willfully ignoring the fact that the people being caught up in foreclosures right now are not the same people who are typically red-lined by lenders.

Either way, I am sure it's somehow the fault of those damned liberals.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

That damed tsunami

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, Bill Clinton.

Today's panel does not, as near as I can tell, contain even a shred of resemblance to anything occurring in the real world.

One would be tempted to accuse Mallard of lying, but when you remember that he gets all his news and opinions from Fox and Rush Limbaugh, it's no longer quite fair to accuse him of outright falsehood. Instead let's go with useful idiot.

Monday, February 04, 2008

Those damned entitlements

What's Mallard raving about today?

Entitlements, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton.

I know we've been over this territory before, but Mallard keeps demonstrating a breathless lack of irony by mocking Hillary Clinton for seeking a term after her husband when the current President is the son of the President just before Bill Clinton.

So let's call it like it is...whatever you may feel about Hillary Clinton, at least she's not the idiotic, chronically failing son of a failed one-term President.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

That damned Super Bowl

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Super Bowl, Commercials.

Inside Mallard's head: Gee, I guess I better make some sort of Super Bowl reference. Well, let's start simple, I mean obviously the Colts are going to be in the Super Bowl, so let's draw a Colt catching a pass. Hmmm, what number should he wear? I think most receivers wear numbers like #5. Or do they? I suppose I could go onto ESPN to look that up, but this has already taken 1 minute of my life and what are the chances that I'm wrong? I'm never wrong.

While I'm thinking about it, I'm pretty sure football players don't wear face guards anymore, so let me erase the one I drew...I'll leave a little bit of it there and turn it into some sort of odd-looking lower tooth. Cool, that really makes the drawing funny.

Now, let's see, draw two thought balloons...Hee hee! One of them is coming from his butt. Man I never get tired of that!

OK, now, what do I know about the Super Bowl that I can make funny...

Man this job is hard. All I can remember is that GoDaddy commercial a few years back with that big-breasted woman...

(3 minutes of silent reverie)

Damn! I wish I hadn't drawn a football player; I mean they're the only people not watching the damn commercials! I could start over, but this has already taken 5 minutes of my life. OK, what if the football player was thinking about the commercials? He'd have trouble concentrating on the game. I know I'm having trouble concentrating while thinking about that big-breasted woman.

(3 minutes of silent reverie)

If the football player was thinking about breasts, he'd drop the pass! Players are always dropping passes in the Super Bowl! I mean, at least I think they are. I suppose I could go onto ESPN to look that up, but this has already taken 9 minutes of my life and what are the chances that I'm wrong? I'm never wrong.

Excellent, I'm done! Oh, wait...need to add an extra dot on my ellipses. Man I never get tired of that!

Saturday, February 02, 2008

Friday, February 01, 2008

Those damned diapers

What's Mallard raving about today?

Adult diapers, Hippies.

We interrupt our continuing rant about the election to bring you this rant about aging hippies and adult diapers. Mallard hasn't had a good rant about hippies since last April, and adult diapers are always funny. So that explains it.