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Thursday, November 30, 2006

That damned Jimmy Carter

What's Mallard raving about today?

The GOP, Dems, U.S. Voters, Jimmy Carter.

See, despite all Mallard's posturing that the GOP got what it deserved for its fiscal irresponsibility, the truth comes out. It's the fault of stupid U.S. voters who should have ignored all those pesky details, like massive corruption and the deteriorating situation in Iraq, and just voted for Republicans anyway.

And yet, despite that loathsome sentiment, it's the smirk on Mallard's face that pisses me off more than anything in today's panel.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Those damned them

What's Mallard raving about today?

The GOP, agendaless/clueless Democrats.

I can't get myself worked up about the fact that Mallard still can't bring himself to write a sympathy card without insulting Democrats. I can't get myself worked up about the fact that he ignores the evidence that most shifts in power are precisely votes for "them" because they are not "you."

All I can think about is this: why does the elephant have stink lines coming from his stomach?

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Those damned drunks

What's Mallard raving about today?

The GOP, drunken Democrats.

So much going on in such a short space. There's the cheap shot at the Democrats and the prediction that the GOP will only be out of power for two years, proving that the panel is not actually about what it pretends to be about.

Then there is the tacit admission that Mallard will keep voting for the GOP, no matter what happens, despite the apparent brazeness of his sympathy cards. The clear suggestion is that this is one cultist for whom human sacrifice is the only possible action that could turn him against the cult.

Finally, there is the fact that Mallard spends the second half of the card discussing drunken Republicans, despite the fact that the set-up does not actually suggest that the Republicans were drunk, it just compares them to drunken Democrats.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Those damned big spenders

What's Mallard raving about today?

The GOP, Conservative voters, big spenders.

It's interesting, as I said previously, that Mallard is suddenly trying to convince everyone that he doesn't (and did not) support the Republican Party, despite the fact that he never expressed such a sentiment until after they lost the election.

It's interesting that Mallard thinks the reason they lost is because conservative voters stayed home out of anger over the GOP's big spending, when most analysis suggest that Iraq, President Bush, and corruption were the main issues on voters' minds and that the swing came from large numbers of Independent voters choosing Democratic candidates for the first time since the 80's.

It's really interesting (though when you are as divorced from reality as Mallard it's hardly surprising) to discover that Mallard sees the GOP as transvestite elephants.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

That damned Kim Jong Il

What's Mallard raving about today?

Kim Jong Il.

I'm not entirely sure what the combination of Kim Jong Il and a quasi-rap lyric is supposed to signify, beyond the fact that Kim Jong Il is nuts (which we already knew) and that Mallard can't write a decent lyric (which we could probably have guessed).

Amongst a completely embarrassing collection, the stanza starting with "They say I'm..." is particularly galling for its impossible scansion. A close second, however, is a section containing nothing but six repetitions of the syllable "yo" just so he can rhyme with "blow".

Saturday, November 25, 2006

That damned Angry letter writer

What's Mallard raving about today?

John Kerry.

Okay, so Mallard has now mentioned the John Kerry non-event twice (compared with one mention of the Mark Foley scandal and coverup). Between the two mentions (interrupted by his realization that he forgot Veteran's Day and William F. Buckley's birthday) Mallard made a point of saying that all veterans, a group which includes John Kerry, deserve our thanks.

So this is the thanks he gets?

And yet, Mallard can't be blamed. If it weren't for a wholly fictitious letter-writer, he was done with the whole subject matter.

Oh, and I suspect "John Kerry joke" would be considered a phrase, not a term.

Friday, November 24, 2006

That damned G.O.P.

What's Mallard raving about today?

William F. Buckley, the G.O.P.

I think it's safe to assume this panel was written after the election. I say this because Mallard has had nothing bad to say about the G.O.P in the entire time I have been writing this blog, until now.

And the rat-leaving-the-ship attitude combined with the tried, but true "the current Republicans are not true conservatives even though just days ago I was saying the opposite" would be in keeping with pretty much all of the "informed" commentary since the election.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Those damned fat-police

What's Mallard raving about today?

Nanny states, fat-police.

There's so much about this panel that bothers me...

Mallard's obsession with laws against fat is his personal version of Bill O'Reilly's fictional War on Christmas. Just a strawman being used to fan the flames of culture war.

There is the incorrect grammatical placement of the ellipsis, creating a sense of dialog trailing off in the middle of a sentence for no reason. And the fact that the ellipsis includes four dots instead of three (even more....of a Nanny State).

There's also the large plate of white glop. I suppose showing a turkey drumstick might have been a bit too close to cannibalism. But still, has there ever been a less well-drawn representation of Thanksgiving dinner?

Finally, there's the hyphenated phrase fat-police. I suppose Mallard was trying to avoid confusing the reader with images of obese policemen. But the use of the hyphen is not correct no matter what his reason.

Happy Thanksgiving to one an all.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Those damned mice

What's Mallard raving aout today?

Obese mice.

Nice work, Mallard. Ignore the completely obvious answer in order to make a fat joke that isn't funny in the first place.

I know this should have occurred to me sooner, but based on the fact that yesterday's panel was written on Veteran's Day, that means that this panel was written about 4 days past the Midterm elections, and Mallard has yet to mention it. Denial anyone?

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Meta-Post: D'oh!

Side note to DaveyK, I like this blog but is there any particular reason you don't allow anonymous comments? It would be more fun if this blog had a lot of responses.
I didn't even realize I had it set up that way! It is now changed to allow anomymous comments.

I agree it would be better with lots of comments and I hope this change will enable that. I've always wondered why more people did not vent their spleen about Mallard...

Those veterans

What's Mallard raving about today?


Yes, thanks to every veteran. For example, John Kerry.

Monday, November 20, 2006

That damned John Kerry

What's Mallard raving about today?

John Kerry.

Almost three weeks late, Mallard belatedly tries to make an issue of John Kerry's gaffe. Only problem is, the entire uproar was manufactured in an attempt to stem the bleeding of the Midterm elections, so bringing it up belatedly makes about as much sense as the whole thing did in the first place.

While I agree with Mallard that allowing John Kerry to host Saturday Night Live would be a very bad idea, given his penchant for gaffes and his overall boringness, I have a feeling we're in for a whole week of John Kerry jokes. Which seems like a good time to remind ourselves that Mallard devoted a single panel to Mark Foley soliciting sex from underage Congressional pages and the coverup of that fact by Republican Leadership.

Finally, if you are going to caricature John Kerry, why in God's name would you compose the panel so his chin is not visible?

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Those damned turkeys

What's Mallard raving about today?

The media, Thanksgiving, turkeys.

There's no power on earth that could make this panel funny. That said you could have prevented the panel from making the reader feel downright uncomfortable by not including the phrase "decimating the indigenous." That phrase immediately conjures up images of decimating the indigenous Native American population, which the fanatical religious immigrants who came to these shores were, unfortunately, fairly intent on.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Those damned mimes

What's Mallard raving about today?


Boy, I can't wait for this week to end.

Still, what better way to end 4 days of fruitcake poetry than with commentary on "trite hackneyed" jokes about fruitcake than by making a trite hackneyed joke about mimes? And what better way to cap it all off than using the completely redundant phrase "trite hackneyed"

Friday, November 17, 2006

That damned ACLU

What's Mallard raving about today?

Fruitcake, the ACLU.

And, in the end, all is right with the world after all. Mallard's 4-day paean to fruitcake turns out to actually just be an elaborate rant about the ACLU.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Those damned stoics

What's Mallard raving about today?


Actually, Mallard, the reason they endure their ordeal in stoic silence is that they are inanimate objects.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Those damned odes

What's Mallard raving about today?


Sweet Lord, this is going to be a painful week. I mean, I always thought I'd be happy if Mallard went totally bat-shit insane...

Of course we could read this as being an admission that prejudice against homosexuals is one of the last bastions of socially-acceptable prejudice. That's fairly unlikely, but I imagine the rest of the week will be less painful if we all just mentally substitute the metaphoric meaning of fruitcake for the literal meaning whenever Mallard uses it.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Those damned true confessions

What's Mallard raving about today?

Himself, fruitcake.

I think I finally understand what's going on in Mallard recently. He suffered some sort of dissociative break during the run-up to the Midterms as a defense mechanism against living through the agony of seeing the Republicans lose an election. As a result we're going to be subjected to a multiple-part storyline about his love of fruitcake.

It's also possible this is code and Mallard is coming out of the closet this week.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Those damned reanimated corpses

What's Mallard raving about today?

Nothing...I'm serious.

Unless I am mistaken, Mallard just made an honest-to-God joke, with an honest-to-God punchline, with no political content whatsoever. This development may be more dangerous for the future of Planet Earth than Mallard showing a meteor strike, since I believe it is one of the signs of the Apocalypse.

To make matters even freakier for me, I have to admit I was making similar jokes about Keith Richards earlier this week (when The Rolling Stones played in my city), so I'm living in a glass house on this one.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Those damned naked Senators

What's Mallard raving about today?

Fatty foods, giant meteors, Senator Clinton.

Mallard is being disingenuous. His "prediction" was actually asterisked as being based on So, his claim that his power to turn preposterous suggestions into fact is, in fact, a preposterous suggestion based on fiction.

And, to be utterly frank, I'd rather see Senator Clinton naked for the rest of her term than see Senator Hastert in a towel coming out of the Senatorial sauna once.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Those damned married people

What's Mallard raving about today?

Married people, minorities.

I'm reasonably sure that Mallard intended to insult political correctness with this particular effort. In the end, however, he ends up insulting either married people (for wanting to be called "people of marriage") or the entire minority population of America (by extension). This cavalier insult of every minority group on the planet may explain why, for example, only approximately 30% of Hispanics voted Republican in the 2006 elections.

Friday, November 10, 2006

That damned Harvard

What's Mallard raving about today?

Married people, minorities, Harvard.

So, apparently, Mallard is just going to run this premise through every one of his standard gripes. Today he goes after eductational standards. It is a mystery why he thinks anyone will find this remotely interesting in the days after the election, whose outcome he did not know but could assume would have been major news, no matter which way it went.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Those damned liberals

What's Mallard raving about today?

Married people, minorities, liberals.

To summarize...Mallard has run across a statistic somewhere that says that married people are now a minority in the USA. He devotes two days (so far) to using this information to attack liberals, not for anything to do with marriage, but for their support of minorities.

Is it just me, or is he really grasping at straws?

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Those damned married people

What's Mallard raving about today?

Married people, minority status, stand-up comedy.

Election, what election? While I sympathize with Mallard's deadlines and his inability to predict the future, I simply cannot comment on something this boring and irrelevant today, of all days.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Those damned stupid voters

What's Mallard raving about today?

Stupid voters.

Let me try saying the exact opposite of what Mallard is saying, by way of expressing my own sentiments: No matter who you vote for, remember to vote today.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Those damned voters

What's Mallard raving about today?


Yeah, you stupid voters. Stay home. Leave voting to the professionals. And by "professionals" we mean only those people Mallard thinks deserve to vote. Come to think of it, we could make this simpler and less expensive if we just made Mallard the Decider and let him Decide the outcome of the election.

Apparently this is what our Democracy has been reduced to...

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Those damned bananas

What's Mallard raving about today?

Bananas, handguns, liberals, the mainstream media.

Wow, a total grab bag of rants today. And, as is often the case, without any sort of punchline and all in service of a strawman. In this case, the strawman purports that all liberals believe handguns will never prevent violent assaults. Which is a fairly unlikely supposition on which to base anything.

Regarding Mallard's aggrievement against his editors, and without subjecting myself to the agony of reading back panels of Mallard to find out what previous depictions he is referring to, I'm willing to bet that the issue was context. Because it's hard to credibly suggest that newspaper editors won't allow depictions of guns in comic strips.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

That damned giddiness

What's Mallard raving about today?

Midterm elections, the Media, the Democrats.

Mallard seems to be confusing the media with its delivery mechanism. The giddily boinging TV, Mallard, is just the medium through which the media is transmitted. It has no actual emotions. The crazy, smiling, unidentifiable caricature on the TV, on the other hand...

I don't envy Mallard the task of trying to appear aware of what's happening in an election taking place weeks after he's penned the strips. The next few days should be interesting to watch.

Friday, November 03, 2006

That damned grade inflation

What's Mallard raving about today?

USA Today, College, Grade Inflation, Remedial Classes, Dumbing-down Curricula.

Oh, for God's sake, Mallard must've been rejected at whatever college he wanted to attend to have this much pent-up hostility towards the general concept of college.

Anyway, someone wake me up when Mallard finishes carping about this subject.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Those damned colleges

What's Mallard raving about today?

The higher-education establishment, calling something progressive.

OK, I'm lazy and I am not going to look for a three week old USA Today story to figure out what the hell Mallard is talking about. I assume the problem is that students are ill-prepared for college by their high schools. In which case, shouldn't the blame lie with high schools?

And, something appearing in USA Today is not an indication of anything other than the fact that words can be used to describe it.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Those damned liberals

What's Mallard raving about today?

Liberals, fat detainees.

In fact, I made that exact "accusation" yesterday. Now, clearly I was joking, but given today's flap over John Kerry's remarks, I'm sure Mallard would willfully misunderstand and accuse me of being a traitor.

Today's Freudian slip: using the word internment, thus conjuring up a comparison to the Japanese Internment in World War 2.