Project Wonderful Banner

Friday, June 29, 2007

Those damned Candidates

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Reagan, Republican Candidates.

Things must be worse in the GOP that I'd imagined if Mallard is this dismissive of the entire field of candidates. Time for Zombie Ronald Reagan.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Those damned Sopranos

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Sopranos, Premium Cable, Thrift.

Wow. I

I believe this may be the stupidest thing ever published since humans began expressing themselves visually and/or verbally.

I mean, Mallard is reaching a point where running his comic is akin to publishing a person's diary, assuming that it was a really, really, really boring person.

When Mallard does finally get around to watching The Sopranos, he wont stop bitching about how disappointed he is, not realizing that the major flaw in his premise is that much of what made The Sopranos so ground-breaking--the anti-hero--has now been turned into a commodity by shows like The Shield and/or House. It can't be fully appreciated in retrospect.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Those damned Marooned Soldiers

What's Mallard raving about today?

Paris Hilton, the Media, Marooned Japanese soldiers.

A reasonable premise, executed reasonably. Definitely out of character for Mallard.

I would like to applaud the decision not to include a caricature of a buck-toothed stereotype Japanese soldier, it can't have been easy to make that choice.

However, I have to ask: what the hell does the fact that the soldier has never seen a jet have to do with anything at all?

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

That damned Hilton

What's Mallard raving about today?

Paris Hilton, the Media.

Paris Hilton, who in real life may be devoid of a soul, has her eyes open and staring creepily out towards the reader in her Mallard caricature. What sweeping conclusions can one make of that oddity?

If we could find a caricature of another person without a soul (Vice President Cheney?) we might have 2 data points on this.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Those damned grassroots

What's Mallard raving about today?

Immigration, lobbyists, grassroots movements.

I admit that I have not paid close enough attention to this issue to have a clear understanding of what factions are for the legislation as proposed and what factions are against it. But from an outsider's perspective it would seem the President is for it and the majority of Congress is against it, which is the only way to explain why it hasn't passed.

I mention that only because this panel would make more sense if, say, Congress were basically supportive of Immigration legislation. Otherwise it's just stupid.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

That damned Rosie

What's Mallard raving about today?

Reality TV, Rosie O'Donnell.

I confess, I know next to nothing about Rosie O'Donnell so each of these panels, which presumably makes reference to something she has said or done, means absolutely nothing to me.

I assume, this being Mallard, he is full of shit, but that's just an assumption and I don't care enough to do research on crackpot right-wing objections to Ms. O'Donnell in order to extend my knowledge beyond the fact that she's a scary opinionated lesbian.

That said, I think that the woman in panel 5 will win this contest, since she is the only one capable of keeping her eyes open while on camera.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

That damned Scooter

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Clinton, Scooter Libby.

In that case, I guess Mallard won't be among the voices clamoring for Scooter to be released from jail because he's such a nice guy and because it was all Patrick Fitzgerald's fault for asking Scooter a question which he didn't want to answer honestly.

I will at least give Mallard credit for being able to draw a straight line between Scooter and the screeching about the "rule of law" as a justification for impeaching the President. Almost all of Scooter's other defenders seem perfectly willing to excuse him for his perjury with no honesty whatever.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Those damned gas stations

What's Mallard raving about today?

Cows, fuel.

Credit where it is due, you can at least identify an attempt at humor here. That said, after yesterday stooping lower than a cow's sense of decency, Mallard finds a new low water mark.

That and no Evil Sun. Come on!

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Those damned cows

What's Mallard raving about today?

Cows, Global Warming.

In other words, cows have a more developed sense of shame and/or decency than Mallard.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

That damned Reagan

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Reagan, the Media, the Soviet Union.

In Mallard's world is it a sin to not invoke, every time the Soviet Union comes up in any conversation, Saint Reagan's name.

Did it ever occur to you, Mallard, that folks are a bit more concerned about the fact that your current hero President has generated a new conflict with Russia? And is being outmaneuvered diplomatically by Vladimir Putin?

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Those damned Seventies

What's Mallard raving about today?

The seventies, the Cold War, Fashion, Jimmy Carter.

While I hate to cast aspersions on Mallard's attempt to find a humorous slant to George Santayana, but I am not sure who he is trying to suggest doesn't remember the Seventies. I might buy that members of the fashion industry were drunk or coked out of their minds and can't remember the Seventies. But who else could he possibly be referring to that might not have a clear memory of the Seventies?

Monday, June 18, 2007

That damned Senator Reid

What's Mallard raving about today?

Senator Reid.

Mallard's really on a roll here.

After reducing the Immigration debate to a cutting-in-line metaphor, Mallard is now comparing the war in Iraq to a girl's soccer game. I don't know where these statistics are kept, but I strongly suspect AYSO has not seen over 3,000 deaths in the last 4 years.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

That damned Baldwin

What's Mallard raving about today?

Alec Baldwin, Father's Day.

2 months after the fact, Mallard revisits the Alec Baldwin story because, as everyone knows, you can tell everything you need to know about a person from their public mistakes and humiliations.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

That damned math

What's Mallard raving about today?

SPAM, Friends.

Goddamn it, Mallard. Do I really have to do math for you?

If you email this special message to 10 friends once a day you'll have 70 fewer friends by the end of the week.

10 friends, 1 time per day, 7 days of the week = 70 friends.

Friday, June 15, 2007

That damned chain eMail

What's Mallard raving about today?


We interrupt your life for this important announcement from Mallard Fillmore: SPAM is annoying.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Those damned lines

What's Mallard raving about today?

Cutting in line, amnesty.

If I had to guess, and unfortunately guessing is all I can do about this particular panel, I would say that Mallard just reduced the entire immigration debate to a cutting-in-line metaphor.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

That damned ethanol

What's Mallard raving about today?

Ethanol, the Iowa caucus.

Since I have nothing rotten to say about the content of today's panel, I will criticize instead the unconvincing ethanol can, which looks like a cross between a teapot and one of those fancy dinner plate covers.

That and the fact that Mallard has drawn this rather unconvincing prop twice when, seriously, once was more than enough.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

That damned Hugo Chavez

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hugo Chavez, the 20th century.

When I first looked at this panel, I was sure that caricature was supposed to be Al Gore.

Which led me to notice that today's panel has 4 standard Mallardisms: a bad caricature, a bad caricature with eyes closed, a bad caricature with a disturbingly lumpy index finger, ellipses with an extra dot.

Of these, that last one bugs me the most because, goddamn it, it would be so easy to fix.

Monday, June 11, 2007

That damned Jimmy Carter

What's Mallard raving about today?

Former President Carter.

Sub-conscious things to note:
  • Not even the barest hint of a defense of President Bush is offered. Instead this is simply an ad hominem attack on Jimmy Carter based entirely on Republican talking points. In other words, Mallard has illustrated the Republican playbook and published it in comic form.
  • If you want to paint a man as irrelevant, why would you bring up the fact that he is a former President, a Nobel Peace Prize Winner, and allude to his work with Habitat for Humanity? When you compare that body of accomplishments to illustrating a Duck for your living, it isn't pretty.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Those damned chickens

What's Mallard raving about today?

Dinosaurs, chickens.

Damn, have to admit, I liked today. I find the idea of snooty dinosaurs rejecting their chickenhood charming.

Tomorrow back to TV Follies? Or can we finally move on, do you think?

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Those damned debates

What's Mallard raving about today?

Debates, Reality shows.

To the Average American for whom Mallrd claims to speak, he has a message: "you suck."

Friday, June 08, 2007

Those damned Pussycat Dolls

What's Mallard raving about today?

Deportation, TV.

So, apparently, Mallard is just working his way through the TV Guide.

If he keeps this up, I am going to take a vacation from this blog for my own sanity.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Those damned Dentists

What's Mallard raving about today?

Reality TV, Celebrities, Dentists.

Remember, all over the country this sequence of reality TV panels are appearing on the editorial pages of newspapers because this is supposed to provide some sort of counter-balance to "liberal" cartoons. At this point, since it's not providing a political or ideological counter-point, I guess Mallard's job is to provide a soul-crushing lack of humor as counter-point.

It would be better if they published these panels in Psychiatric trade journals because this is a very clear cry for help.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

That damned forgetfulness

What's Mallard raving about today?


I agree, we should never forget. Never.

Like Mallard who also never forgot in 2004 but forgot in 2006 and 2005.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Those damned shuffleboarders

What's Mallard raving about today?

Shuffleboard, Bingo.

You know, for a duck who has spent the last 2-3 weeks complaining about TV, Mallard knows an awful lot about it. More than, say, your average blog writer who was unaware there was a TV show about Bingo.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Those damned pears

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Network, Elitists, Pears.

You see how including that one little word, elitist, changes the entire panel?

Otherwise this would be a diatribe about just how stupid American are; those average Americans Mallard claims to champion. By including that one little word suddenly it's all the networks fault.


Sunday, June 03, 2007

That damned lactose

What's Mallard raving about today?

Political Correctness, Milk, Orange Juice.

Damnit, Mallard! Why ruin a perfectly good rant about political correctness with a third-rate pun?

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Those damned habbers

What's Mallard raving about today?

Rehab, celebrities.

Mallard rests his premise on the precarious premise that substance abuse is the exclusive domain of celebrity. In Mallard's world, average Americans do not exhibit the same tendencies towards substance abuse and rehab. Admittedly, the average American may not be able to afford Betty Ford for rehab, but the remainder of that premise is flimsy, at best.

As a side note, I admit I learned something new from Mallard: apparently the kids these days are referring to it as "habbing."

Friday, June 01, 2007

Those damned Homeschooled Kids

What's Mallard raving about today?

Reality TV, Homeschooled kids.

Ahhh, homeschooling, the answer to all life's problems.

I'm going to ignore the fact that yesterdays Mastodonal diversion appears to have been a one day stream-of-consciousness blip before going back to reality TV.