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Wednesday, December 31, 2008

That damned Father Time

What's Mallard raving about today?

Father Time, Unions.

Worst. Metaphor. Ever.

There is one "Father Time" at any given time.

Unions provide individuals the power of collective bargaining.


Tuesday, December 30, 2008

That damned Lincoln Society

What's Mallard raving about today?

Abraham Lincoln, Illinois.

Considering this is precisely the whisper-based smear campaign which is being waged against the upcoming 44th President, with roughly the same level of actual evidence, today's Mallard is heavily ironic.

Monday, December 29, 2008

That damned Illinois

What's Mallard raving about today?

Illinois Politicians.

As Mallard reaches fever pitch regarding how soon-to-be-ex-Governor Blagojevich represents the end to America as we know it for getting arrested (for attempting to abuse his power, because he was also a complete moron), I want to remind everyone how Mallard dealt with Larry Craig getting arrested for soliciting sex in a public bathroom and Mark Foley for soliciting sex from underage congressional aides.

Hey, Mallard, one difference you will note...Democrats from every corner are unapologetically calling for Blagojevich to get the hell out of office, politics, and the party.

Very unlike how Republicans deal with their scandals, which generally requires voters to clean up (cough, Ted Stevens, cough) their house.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

That damned Business Plan

What's Mallard raving about today?

Business, Government bailouts.

Mallard is criticizing business for stupid business plans which lead to failure.

Just days earlier it was heresy to oppose "commerce"?

Saturday, December 27, 2008

That damned gift card

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Economy, Gift Cards.

Businesses are failing and it's inconveniencing Mallard! Hilarious.

On another note: Open this gift card. What does that even mean?

Friday, December 26, 2008

Those damned Taxes

What's Mallard raving about today?

Property Taxes, Government.

Laws in most states that prevent big tax hikes when property values soar also block big tax drops when values sink.
Mallard made no mention of this during the entire housing boom. How surprising that he's suddenly concerned.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas!

Everyone have a safe, happy, and healthy Christmas!

Although it's exactly as tame as you would expect, I suggest you do not taint your day by reading Mallard.

Only do so if you must.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

That damned commerce

What's Mallard raving about today?

Bill Richardson, Barack Obama, Commerce.


More than 53% of the American people, primarily concerned with the Economy, chose Barack Obama for President.

The "many Americans" to which Mallard is referring may come from the Know Nothing Wing of the Republican Party, the lobotomized followers of Fox, or the irrationally angry zombie hordes commanded by Bill O'Reilly.

Monday, December 22, 2008

That damned recycling

What's Mallard raving about today?

Recycling, President Clinton, Barack Obama.

After 8 years of Nixon retreads, leading to Nixon-like results (only with less competence), I have no complaints as long as the Bush Administration gets the hell out of office.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

That damned date

What's Mallard raving about today?


It's December 21st, Mallard.

The fact that it is the last Sunday panel before Christmas is no excuse when the plan is to draw a gray pudding-like landscape and a star.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

That damned card

What's Mallard raving about today?

Christmas Cards, Speech Codes.

It's OK that the card has no words, Mallard kindly provided so many more words than necessary the card can borrow some.

Mallard, here's my gift to example of how to do the same thing, only better. It does not make it good, mind you. Just better.
This card is blank so there's no way
It violates limits on what you can say.
Since there are no words to see
It's sentiment is completely PC.
That took me 5 minutes. You're a hack.

Friday, December 19, 2008

That damned ring tone

What's Mallard raving about today?

Ring tones.

Words cannot do justice to the dementia driving Mallard Fillmore into a pervasive hatred of everything around him, coupled with an irrational belief that he speaks for the Common Man.

Seriously, Mallard, seek help.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

That damned Holiday Special

What's Mallard raving about today?

Holiday Specials.

Man, Mallard is extra-strength cranky this Holiday.

He's so pissed off by the fact that it is the Holidays he's stopped complaining about Democrats.

Still, whenever strips like this appear, I like to remind myself that a newspaper somewhere paid good money to put it on its OpEd page out of some notion of political balance.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

That damned Lawn

What's Mallard raving about today?

Christmas, the Economy.

Apparently Mallard does not understand how money or the Economy works.

Once Mr. Hauersperger purchases decorations, they are his to use in subsequent years, no matter what shape the Economy is in.

That aside, I am glad to see that Mr. Hauersperger's Blackberry Thumb has not affected his holiday spirit.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

That damned plane

What's Mallard raving about today?

Washington Post, Washington Times. Barack Obama

There can be no other possible explanation...

For example, it's not possible that "Reporters, photographers and editors found the candidacy of Obama, the first African American major-party nominee, more newsworthy and historic."

Because that would be just silly.

That said, this revelation proves that since Sarah Palin got more coverage than Joe Biden, there was clear Media bias in favor of Republicans. So I think we're even.

Monday, December 15, 2008

That damned heresy

What's Mallard raving about today?

Heresy, Christmas, Oprah.

Today's panel falls squarely into the Creepiest Unintentional Self-Revelation category, with a touch of Dog Whistle politics thrown in.

Based on the structure of today's panel, Mallard is drawing an clear equivalency between "Oprah" and every other religion on that list (except, of course, Christianity).

What he is really saying, of course, is that other than Christianity, all religions are heresy. But even he's not stupid enough to actually say this outright.

He is too stupid to choose Oprah, rather than something like Scientology, which claims religious status but everyone enjoys making fun of.

Mind you 300-400 years ago, Mallard would have been burned at the stake as a heretic and a warlock, since Dark Age Christians frowned upon talking waterfowl and not wearing pants.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

That damned cashew log

What's Mallard raving about today?


Just days after complaining about Government spending, Mallard complains about co-workers doing private fund-raising.

In all likelihood, fund-raising for a school which Mallard would prefer be completely unfunded by the Government, rather than simply under-funded.

Mallard Fillmore is a completely stateless being.

Each moment, each statement, each complaint exists in isolation, with no knowledge or memory of the past.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Those damned youth

What's Mallard raving about today?

Santayana, Youth.

Mallard's concept of Democracy: Extend the vote to only those voters with which he agrees.

Spectacularly, he sees no irony in this fact and today's complaint.

Friday, December 12, 2008

That damned Government Money

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, Government Money.

Mallard's theory, if I understand this correctly, is that in the absence of Government, citizens would magically pool their money to pay for Military, Emergency Services, and Infrastructure, among other things.

And this would be better that a representative Democracy levying taxes to pay for such things.

Because Anarchy has proven to be a very effective social system.

Marketplace of Ideas, indeed!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

That damned Marketplace of Ideas

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, The Media.

That Mallard Fillmore, an empty-headed Republican talking points echo chamber, considers himself part of a marketplace of ideas is, perhaps, the single funniest thing ever to appear in Mallard Fillmore.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

That damned Swoon

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama.

All of the clues in this crazed episode, which (depending on how long it goes on) has a good shot at the Most Interminable Series award, indicate that Mallard entered the room. A fact which he has lost track of by the final panel of today's installment.

I'd also like to point out that how telling it is that, in Mallard's mind, being liked and admired is an unpardonable sin.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

That damned hologram

What's Mallard raving about today?

Himself, Barack Obama, CNN.

There's so much wrong with this I hardly know where to begin:

Why bring up the Secret Service? It's amazing Mallard manages to include Chekhov's gun when he's only using 50 words.

Mallard's going to be keeping an eye on President Obama. Anyone for a heaping dose of self-aggrandizement?

I'd hoped? What the hell kind circumstances necessitated the odd tense shift?

CNN had leftover holograms?

Monday, December 08, 2008

That damned dinosaur

What's Mallard raving about today?

Dinosaurs, the Economy.

Anatomically, with knees like that, this particular dinosaur was doomed from the start.

What interests me is that Mallard manages to cast blame at all liberals quite...well, liberally...for any minor outrage which ends up in his email. But, outside of a few pathetic attempts to blame liberals for housing loans, when the Economy collapses after a long period of Republican rule, blame is noticeably absent from his outrage.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

That damned Budget

What's Mallard raving about today?

The economy, Christmas, Santa Claus.

So, faced with a tighter budget, Dad tells his son that Santa Claus died? I suppose that is par for the course, in terms of needless cruelty, in Mallard-land.

Seems a bit excessive to me. And not funny, but that goes without saying.

Saturday, December 06, 2008

That damned Roger

What's Mallard raving about today?

Free-floating hatred or Roger Ailes.

I can offer only two possible, although flimsy explanations for this.

Possibly, when one is completely consumed with hatred towards everyone and everything, it actually does seem as if you are thinking how much you hate someone just before they call you.

Alternately, Mallard is really pissed at Roger Ailes.

Friday, December 05, 2008

That damned ownership

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Economy.

Isn't it the Republicans who created the "ownership society" which promptly collapsed as a result of deregulation of the Financial Industry?

Yeah, I think it was.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

That damned IRA

What's Mallard raving about today?

Santa Claus, Investment Accounts.

Santa Claus, with all of his magic, can't fix the Global Economy?

Instead, I am left to hope that a group of total incompetents (all of whom who lack the brains to bail on the Bush Administration three years ago) lead by a totally incompetent President will manage to fix the economy on their way out of town.

I think I'll go drink hemlock now.

That damned Market

What's Mallard raving about today?

The BCS, Barack Obama.

Without stipulating to Mallard's point, I would like to point out that this moment in history, one in which the Free Market collapsed the entire World's economy, is an odd one to be taking sides with the side of the Market. Good luck with that.

I'd also like to point out that it is the Bush Administration which is currently nationalizing the Banking Industry, will ultimately nationalize the Auto Industry, and eventually probably the Airlines.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

That damned Playoff

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, College Football.

Given how often Mallard bitches about the BCS, I would think that would be enough for him.

Monday, December 01, 2008

That damned Santa Claus

What's Mallard raving about today?

Santa Claus, Barack Obama.

At any time over the last 8 years, this exact same panel could have been done with just a few minor changes:
  1. Instead of a child, a Wealthy Captain of Industry sits on Santa's Lap.
  2. Instead of asking for gifts, he asks for tax breaks which benefit only the wealthiest Americans and massive deregulation so he can profit obscenely while destroying the entire Global Financial System.
  3. Instead of Barack Obama, Santa decries being mistaken for President Bush.
This would not be much funnier, but it would at least bear some passing resemblance to reality.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

That damned cell phone

What's Mallard raving about today?

Cell Phones.

No, Mallard. That has nothing to do with talking on your phone while driving.

It has to do with the fact that you don't call your "friends" except when you have nothing else to do.

It has to do with the fact that you spend the entire call underscoring their lack of importance to you.

Truthfully, about the only insight on display today is the unintentional self-revelation that Mallard has no least not using the standard definition of "friend". Given his personality, however, this is not exactly surprising.

Friday, November 28, 2008

That damned status quo

What's Mallard raving about today?

Racism, Southern Whites, Blacks.

Finally, Mallard gets around to commenting on the election, and his first comment is...complete made up horse crap.

Seriously, can someone point to credible media commentary claiming that the Southern White vote, which was not significantly different for President-Elect Obama than for Senator Kerry, was based on racism?

Thursday, November 27, 2008

That damned Pilgrim

What's Mallard raving about today?

Pilgrims, Turkey.

Moments later, Prudence's husband was carried away by a mob and burned at the stake as a warlock for predicting the future. Little did the Pilgrims know that his prediction would, in fact, come true.

Also, sadly, the first Thanksgiving marked the extinction of the New World's rare talking turkeys.

Happy Thanksgiving, all.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

That damned leader

What's Mallard raving about today?

Leaders, meetings.

So, in this little metaphor, the Turkeys are the Americans (led by Barack Obama) and the Pilgrims are the Iranians (led by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad)?

The Pilgrims are the Iranians?


Mallard is losing his mind.

Meta-Post: AdSense

Just a brief note that at some point I am going to put Google ads somewhere on the site, at least for a while.

It's something I am doing as research for my job, not because I want to (or need to) make money from this blog...not to mention that I can't really expect to make much money.

At any rate, I apologize in advance if the ads are in any way annoying to readers.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

That damned thanks

What's Mallard raving about today?

Thanksgiving, Schools.

Despite Mallard's obvious attempt to suggest that those damned Secular Humanists in Public Schools are ruining Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving is a secular holiday to begin with.

It's called Thanksgiving after all, not Thank the Christian God.

Unless Mallard is suggesting that being grateful is a uniquely Christian capability. Which is an idiotic suggestion, but I would not put it past him.

Monday, November 24, 2008

That damned Present

What's Mallard raving about today?

Thanksgiving, Then and Now.

Ah, the Past. Superior to the Present in every way, especially when, like Mallard, you romanticize it into a Utopia that never in fact existed.

As to the complaint at hand, Mallard, perhaps if Republicans had not created a world in which everyone needed to work three jobs to survive, that couple would have time to cook.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Those damned Pilgrims

What's Mallard raving about today?

Pilgrims, Xenophobes, Guns, Religion.

I spent the last 8 years being described as a traitor, as a terrorist sympathizer, as Anti-American, and more recently as a Socialist/Marxist by extension.

So any whiny babies who are offended about Obama's statement that they cling to religion and guns out of bitterness can seriously just get over it already, because I could care less about their poor little hurt feelings.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

That damned Congress

What's Mallard raving about today?

Congress, The President.

I am pretty sure Mallard intended to whine about the fact that President Bush was blamed for everything that happened to the country during his 8 year tenure, whereas the Democratic Congress of the last 2 years was not blamed in the same way.

What he actually whined about, however, is the difference between having 1 person versus 535 people representing a branch of the government.

Friday, November 21, 2008

That damned Insanity

What's Mallard raving about today?

The BCS, Insanity.

You know what doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is the opposite of?


You want an example of doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result?

Voting for John McCain.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Those damned days

What's Mallard raving about today?

Christmas, The Economy.

Reasonably speaking, today's effort would have been written either in the last few days before a historic election or in the days just after a historic election.

And this is what Mallard chooses to whinge about?

Par for the course. Depressing as all hell. But par for the course.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

That damned belief

What's Mallard raving about today?

Belief, Hope, Change, Jobs.

President-Elect Obama makes people hopeful for the future. President-Elect Obama promises the possibility of change after 8 years of fear-mongering divisiveness. President-Elect Obama may help foster an economy that creates jobs in America, unlike his predecessor.

Mallard does not want to live in a world like that!

I said it before, I'll say it again. Mallard hates hope.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

That damned Santa

What's Mallard raving about today?

Milestones, Christmas.

Mallad fires the first shot in Bill O'Reilly's vaunted War on Christmas.

Alternately: Why does Mallard hate the free market so much?

Monday, November 17, 2008

That damned economy

What's Mallard raving about today?

The economy, The Media, the Election.

Mallard has a point. The Presidency may be many things, but all-powerful it is not, and President Bush cannot be singled out for blame, especially when it comes to the Economy.

Pretty much the entire Republican Party and Conservative Movement are to blame as well.

That said, he is missing the main culprit: the Economy itself. The Economy, which has a well-known liberal bias, was totally in the tank for Obama.

Unfortunately for Mallard, American voters gave in to their fears about the Economy and did not follow his simple, by irrefutable logic:
  • Things suck.
  • President Bush and Republicans have been in control for most of the last 8 years.
  • Ergo, maintain the status quo!
I am surprised that message was not a winning formula. I am certain, however, that it was someone else's fault.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

That damned chihuahua

What's Mallard raving about today?

Some groups, Cartoon characters.

Some groups, eh?
Tony the Tiger, and Snap, Crackle and Pop have been branded "cartoon villains" by a U.K. consumer watchdog called Which? for failing to promote healthy eating in children.
I defy you to name the second group, and justify the use of the plural.

Would you like to compare the number of "groups" going after cartoon characters which promote obesity to the number of groups who actively promoted the complete falsehood that Barack Obama was a Muslim in an attempt to frighten people into voting for John McCain?

While we're at it, we can discuss the relative harm of the two "groups".

Also, I suspect Pastor Martin Niemöller would never stop throwing up if he knew how Mallard was trivializing his famous quote.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

That damned SRAM

What's Mallard raving about today?


Apparently SRAM's Marketing budget only allows for product placement in Mallard Fillmore.

On a more serious note, reading Mallard Fillmore is often a lot like reading the diary of a demented person.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Those damned concerns

What's Mallard raving about today?

Federal employees, Bureaucracy

Dear Mallard,

You hate everything and everyone, indiscriminately, and express said hatred without any cleverness or humor. In other words, you suck at your job.

Which brings us to your inability to see irony in things like your complaint about Federal Employee's job performance...

Thursday, November 13, 2008

That damned label

What's Mallard raving about today?

Racism, the Election.

The fact that this is the lesson Mallard drew from the 2008 election tells you everything you need to know about Mallard.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Those damned pollsters

What's Mallard raving about today?


Uhhhh, Mallard...pollsters don't rate things.

They report on the percentages of people who respond in a certain way to questions.

In other words, they poll.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Monday, November 10, 2008

Those damned Heroes

What's Mallard raving about today?


Much like his obsession regarding singer-songwriters, Mallard often assumes everyone has the same pet peeves and opinions about TV as he does, and finds this fertile ground for material.

Personally, I find it parochial at best. At worst, it is a disturbing indication of the assumption of homogeneity of thought which a Right Wing water-carrier perceives as "reality."

You know what I mean, the homogeneity of thought in which George Bush is still a genius President.

Sunday, November 09, 2008

That damned interlude

What's Mallard raving about today?


Random comments in no particular order...

Mallard's TV remote speaks the word "click." That's just weird.

No. No no no no no. Mallard crotch shot? Oh, dear God, no.

The Fillmore Foundation? For what? The promotion of stupidity and generalized hatred or rage?

I think we can look forward to at least a month of Republicans tearing each other apart after this complete repudiation, leading them to the conclusion that they lost because they "weren't conservative enough" all the while eating Sarah Palin alive and making her the scapegoat for the loss after months of saying she was electrifying the electorate. Frankly, I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Saturday, November 08, 2008

That damned songwriter

What's Mallard raving about today?

Singer Songwriters.

4 days after a historic election, Mallard decides it's time to return to bitching about nothing in particular, just his general hatred of humanity in general and his hatred of hippies in particular.

And to do this, he posits a scenario in which scientists (the same scientists he derides constantly regarding climate change) trace an event from the future back to an event in our past.

How irrelevant is Mallard trying to be?

Friday, November 07, 2008

That damned racist code

What's Mallard raving about today?

Racism, Mainstream Media.

The racism at McCain/Palin rallies wasn't terribly hard to spot, Mallard. And most of it wasn't coded, unless you count "kill him" as code.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Those damned thoughts

What's Mallard raving about today?

John McCain, Barack Obama.

Whereas Mallard will simply continue pretending to have any sort of insight and relevance.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

That damned result

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Election.

Of course. Conservatism did not fail. It never fails.

It was failed by the candidates who were simply not Conservative enough.

That said, I am glad to see Walter Williams get one last moment in the sun, so to speak. For anyone who started reading this blog after January of 2007, I suggest you treat yourselves to one of the most insane periods in Mallard history. Start here and just keep reading.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Metapost: Obama Landslide!

Barack Obama wins with a massive mandate!

Sanity returns to America after a very, very, very long exile.

On a personal note, I look forward to 4 years of Mallard Fillmore strips denouncing President Obama's racism and watching as Mallard descends to a level of unhinged wingnuttery not previously believed possible.

Those damned Judges

What's Mallard raving about today?


This is what Mallard chooses to run on Election day? A panel basically saying: "Hey, everyone, you're stupid."

Now, excuse me while I try to figure out where Judge Roddy McGillvrey's beanie went.

Monday, November 03, 2008

That damned Bradley Effect

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Media, The Bradley Effect.

The mainstream media asks poll questions and has reported on the existence of a Bradley Effect theory.

So what exactly is their crime?

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Those damned pollsters

What's Mallard raving about today?

Polls, The Election.

Is it just me or does John McCain seem to be closing his eyes and wishing very, very hard?

Saturday, November 01, 2008

That damned factory

What's Mallard raving about today?

Bumper Stickers

I'm pretty sure that factory's running comfortable with a huge run of "Don't Blame Me, I voted for McCain" Stickers.

Friday, October 31, 2008

That damned Barack

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama


Because Obama was crazy when he suggested Republicans would run a campaign designed to make Americans afraid.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

That damned racism

What's Mallard raving about today?


I'd love to take Mallard to task for the bronzed Obama lawn sign, but since his colorists are probably saving their sanity by not paying attention to what they are coloring, I'll suffice it to say: does Mallard really believe lawn signs are that big?

And yes, I am ignoring Mallard's complaints about not being allowed to be as racist as he wants to be.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

That damned Bull

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Stock Market, Campaign Speeches.

Today, Mallard speaks out on a topic that no one else has the bravery to discuss: honesty in election campaign speeches.

We're it not for Mallard, Americans might still believe that politicians were scrupulously honest at all times, in all speeches. But now that Mallard is on the case, the American people are forewarned.

Seriously, Mallard gets paid for this?

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Those damned list of things

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, Racism.

Dear Mallard,

Regarding your list:

1. Prevailing opinion was that saying "that one" was disrespectful, not racist.

2. Nice timing bringing up Sarah Palin's clothes.

3. Prevailing opinion is that Bill Ayers is irrelevant or has already been factored into people's opinion, that the vitriol and language were completely out of bounds, and that this was an attack on Obama's patriotism, not his race.

Given these factors, we are not paying you today.


King Features Syndicate

Monday, October 27, 2008

Those damned SNLers

What's Mallard raving about today?

SNL, The Election.

Tina Fey said she will be "leaving Earth" if McCain-Palin win the election.

Even when trying to be non-political, Mallard still can't help being wrong.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

That damned Hallowe'en

What's Mallard raving about today?

Elitism, Barack Obama.

"Mixed Spring Greens" (in actual quotes). What happened to Arugula?

One Presidential candidate has 8 houses and 13 cars, but Mallard feels the other candidate is the Elitist.

Or, based on the latest polling, he's complaining that over 50% of Americans, those supporting Obama over Blinky McCrankypants, eat food that he does not approve of.

Either way, this is a tired and false premise.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Those damned clowns

What's Mallard raving about today?

Clowns, Federal Employees.

Less than 2 weeks before the most important election in his lifetime, and Mallard spends his time hurling non-specific school ground insults at all Federal Employees. And drawing barely recognizable elephants, as if the clowns were not enough semiotics for his readers to understand that we're supposed to be at a circus.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Those damned bloggers

What's Mallard raving about today?

Bloggers, The News.

Apparently Mallard just realized the extent to which blogs like The Drudge Report have driven media narrative for the last decade (e.g., John Edwards haircut).

The only change recently has been the extent to which Progressive blogs have driven the narrative (e.g., Justice Department scandal) and the lack of ability on the part of horse-crap Right Wing smears (Ayers, ACORN) to take hold.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

That damned Tina Fey

What's Mallard raving about today?

Sarah Palin, Tina Fey.

When you are 3 weeks behind the news, this is exactly the kind of commentary you should not make.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Those damned Federal Employees

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, Federal Employees.

Rich irony, considering that the Bush Administration turned the Justice Department into the legal arm of the Republican National Committee, a role it continues to play in this election.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Those damned lawmakers

What's Mallard raving about today?

Congress, the Bailout.

Mallard Fillmore, otherwise known as Confessions of a Tiny, Tiny Mind.

Argue however you want about the bailout, but it takes a special type of blind idiocy to suggest that preventing the financial system from melting down represents not "thinking about" the taxpayers.

But given that Mallard's ability to grasp complex issues boils down to: if it affects my taxes and/or the government was involved, I hate it, it's hardly a surprising take on it.

Monday, October 20, 2008

That damned Bailout

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Bailout, Taxpayers.

There was a lot of disagreement about the form the bailout should take, general disgust/disbelief at the idiotic first suggestion by the Bush Administration, and lingering doubt about its final form.

Until today, however, I couldn't name anyone who believed we should do nothing. I couldn't name anyone who wanted to watch the financial system disintegrate.

Enter Mallard...

Sunday, October 19, 2008

That damned Hallowe'en

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama.

Mallard, we understand that you prefer politics that "breeds division, and conflict, and cynicism" over having a black man become President.

The horse crap sanctimony about how Barack Obama is the racist is about as convincing as John McCain telling all of us that he's not running a negative campaign.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Those damned politicians

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Bailout Plan, Politicians.

Odd. Even-handed criticism, a grain of truth, not totally unfunny.

Is it guest author day at King Features Syndicate?

Friday, October 17, 2008

That damned News

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, NBC News.

Without granting this baloney premise, which is not supported by facts...
I'm John McCain and I approved all 24 hours of Fox News broadcasting.
How does that saying about glass houses go, Mallard?

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Those damned caves

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Economy, Affordable Housing.

There is nothing that could happen in this world, no matter how much Conservative DNA is left at the crime scene, that Mallard will not blame on Liberals.

If everyone is willing to stipulate to that, I think we can move on.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

That damned ACORN

What's Mallard raving about today?

ACORN, Barack Obama.

When an article starts like this, you know it's going to be a fair-minded recitation of facts and not an axe-grinding right-wing smear.
What exactly does a "community organizer" do? Barack Obama's rise has left many Americans asking themselves that question. Here's a big part of the answer: Community organizers intimidate banks into making high-risk loans to customers with poor credit.
The Party of Personal Responsibility continues to deny any responsibility for what happened while it was in power of every branch of the Government.

If true, that would mean they are an incompetent bunch of spineless idiots. If not true (also know as "in reality") Republicans suck at managing the economy while Democrats are pretty good at it. But, of course, reality has a well-known liberal bias.

Either way, sucks to be a Republican, although not as much as it sucks to be living under Republicans.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

That damned Barney Frank

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barney Frank, Affordable Housing, Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac.

Five years ago? Five years ago Barney Frank said they were sound?

Yeah, because that's exactly the same as John McCain saying "The fundamentals of our economy are strong" mere moments before the economy melted down completely.

Monday, October 13, 2008

That damned borrower

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Economy.

Mallard simplifies the economic crisis down for you.

Soul-patched, earring-adorned, tank-top wearing borrowers asked for loans they should not have been granted. They have not learned their lesson and are still asking.

Bankers have learned their lesson and are no longer offering loans to them.

Of course, bankers are now forced to sit in pink chairs befitting their status as the ultimate Socialists after the bailout.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

That damned Straw Costume

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hallowe'en, Barack Obama, Racism.

On the weekend after John McCain was booed by his own supporters for simply saying that Barack Obama was a "decent person" that they did not have to be "scared" of, I'm in absolutely no mood to be lectured by Mallard about how Liberals and Democrats are the racists in this election.

The fact that it comes in the form of one of the most preposterous Straw Man arguments ever to appear in Mallard Fillmore in no way mitigates my feelings.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Those damned judges

What's Mallard raving about today?

Judges, Elections.

I don't know what's stranger.

The construction of the sentence in today's Mallard Fillmore. That where Mallard lives people running for judge have enough cash to run TV commercials. Or that Mallard believes it is possible to cram something of substance into a 30-second TV spot.

Given his obsessive relationship with TV, however, I suppose that last possibility is not so strange.

Friday, October 10, 2008

That damned bailout

What's Mallard raving about today?

Taxpayers, Bailouts.

Since the Republicans are the ones who have privatized profit and socialized loss, I think you'll have to wait until after November 4, or perhaps more accurately January 20, when they finally get booted from power after almost a decade of egregious mismanagement and outright criminal behavior.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

That damned Monster

What's Mallard raving about today?

Monsters, Freddie Mac, Fannie Mae.

Bad poetry, Republican talking points, no sense.

It's Mallard Fillmore!

The Party of Personal Responsibility's explanation for the roots cause of a crisis which developed while it was in power of every branch of Government: It was someone else's fault.

Mallard can blame the Community Reinvestment Act all he wants, but as far as I understand the system of American Government, the Republicans could have repealed the Act, just like they did Habeus Corpus.

On November 4, we're going to force them own their failure, even if they don't have the courage to own up to their responsibility.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Those damned borrowers

What's Mallard raving about today?

Borrowers, Lenders, Taxpayers.

Right on schedule, except for the color of the borrower's skin, Mallard is blaming the American people for the economic meltdown.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

That damned Dodd

What's Mallard raving about today?

Senator Dodd, Fanny Mae, Freddy Mac.

He most certainly did say that, and he was wrong. Shall we now discuss other people who were equally wrong?

Anyone want to take bets on whether John McCain or the entire Bush Administration get mentioned?

Monday, October 06, 2008

That damned drilling

What's Mallard raving about today?

Drilling, Wall Street Bailouts.

How many of you made the same mistake I did and first read this as "Drill Her, Drill Now..."?

At any rate, it's pretty rich for Mallard to compare a bailout necessitated by an economic crisis caused by Republican deregulation of the Banking industry with Republican efforts to deregulate Oil Industry drilling.

Mallard's inability to spot his own unintended irony is one of my greatest joys on this blog.

I anxiously look forward to finding out later this week why the Democrats, Liberals, Feminists, Barack Obama, Al Sharpton, and Jesse Jackson are to blame for this mess, rather than the Republicans.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

That damned vote

What's Mallard raving about today?


Mallard admits that he prefers Oligarchy to Democracy.

At least this contains an implicitly hilarious joke: Mallard believes he will be a member of the Elite in the Oligarchy he craves.

Saturday, October 04, 2008

That damned panty raid

What's Mallard raving about today?

Feminists, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton

OK, I think this has devolved as far as it possibly can. Therefore I am anxiously looking forward to Monday to see how Mallard proves me wrong.

Friday, October 03, 2008

That damned cheer

What's Mallard raving about today?

Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson.

Incredible hypocrisy from a duck whose primary mode of discourse is to posit that "some people say [incendiary-but-not-credible-thing]" and then mock the made up position.

In other words: The straw pot calling the straw kettle to speak.

Note: I'd take cheer from the fact that Mallard appears convinced that Obama is going to win the election if it weren't for the fact that the next time he is right about something it will be the first time.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

That damned intolerance

What's Mallard raving about today?

Feminists, Sarah Palin.

I am totally confused.

Isn't voting against someone whose positions are antithetical to everything you believe known as "Democracy"?

Would this Straw Man argument be any more or less accurate if it showed an "aging Neo-Con" who won't vote for Barack Obama because he is handsome, pro-choice, liberal, and black?

Or is the point that only liberals and feminists desire to be known as "tolerant" (the aging Neo-Con is perfectly happy being known as an intolerant bigot) so the criticism of this Straw Man is that they are a hypocrite?

Seriously, what the hell is Mallard even trying to say?

Additional comment: at first I thought it said "petty, pro-life, conservative woman" which is pretty much why many people won't vote for Palin, except that Mallard forgot to mention that she is also dangerously unqualified.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

That damned Aging Feminist

What's Mallard raving about today?

Racism, Feminists, Barack Obama, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Sarah Palin.

Since Mallard is pretty much taking the day off, so will I.

Just combine my comments from this day and this day and you have my comment for today.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

That damned livlihood

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Racism.

The cynicism of this calculus is astonishing: Some white people will vote for Obama; ergo racism no longer exists in America.

Mind you, coming from Mallard (whose stock in trade is arguing against "some people who say that we should [insert credibility-defying statement here]") it's not all that surprising.

And while I will admit to being proud that my generation may be the first to put a non-white man in the White House, the idea that racism no longer exists?

That may be a tad optimistic.

Monday, September 29, 2008

That damned problem

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, Jesse Jackson, Racism.

Today could have been the bravest Mallard Fillmore ever, until Mallard decided to point the finger of accusation at someone other than himself.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

That damned dinosaur

What's Mallard raving about today?

Dinosaurs, Europe.

Honestly, this almost defies commentary.

Simply juxtaposing a topic which bothers you with Dinosaur extinction is not a formula for, well, anything except extinction (real or metaphoric).

Obama's Europe visit was history by the time this was written (let alone published) and the visit was in no way detrimental to Obama, except among a segment of the population that was/is/will be predisposed against him. So the trip could hardly cause a real or metaphoric extinction.

At a minimum, Mallard, is it too much to ask that you make a modicum of sense?

Saturday, September 27, 2008

That damned repetition

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hair Plugs, racism, Joe Biden, Barack Obama.

I'd feel bad about repeating myself, If Mallard didn't force me into it.

Mallard, I defy you to point me to an instance where Senator Obama declared a topic off limits.

Oh, and goddamnit Mallard, if you say "hair plug' jokes are offensive" rather than "racist" this would have worked a lot better. Do I really have to write your stuff and my own?

Friday, September 26, 2008

That damned investigation

What's Mallard raving about today?

John Edwards, Sarah Palin, The Media.

Perhaps because Sarah Palin could end up a 72-year old heartbeat away from the Presidency, and the things under investigation directly relate to her ability to step into the job of President, as opposed to a purely private matter.

But if you really want The Media to talk about extramarital affairs, perhaps they can discuss how Senator McCain's first marriage ended.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

That damned world

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, People, the World.

I suppose Mallard may have intended this to suggest that Obama holds a lead among people with a cheery disposition, although that would be completely idiotic since the people voting for Obama are the ones who think the situation is so messed up that we need change.

It's also possible Mallard intended to suggest that Obama holds a lead among people who understand that the world is, metaphorically, shrinking and that America's need for partnerships, friends, and allies is growing. This again would be completely idiotic, since people who understand that could best be characterized as "people with an IQ which is above room temperature."

Neither option seems likely, until you remind yourself that something being completely idiotic does not necessarily disqualify it as being what Mallard intended.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Meta-Post: Mallard Comment Codes

Based on a list started by NLC, with input from nonanonnotcow and gold-digging nanny, here is the list of Mallard Fillmore comment codes, for easy future reference:
1 - Has completely misquoted his "source".
2 - Has completely fabricated his fact/quote.
3 - Has utterly misunderstood the technical issue/science issue that he sites.
4 - Has clearly misrepresented the technical issue/science issue on purpose.
5 - Has used the same gag three days running.
6 - Has used the same gag four days running.
7 - Has used the same gag five days running.
8 - Has used the same gag six days running.
9 - Has used the same gag for a whole week or more.
10 - A character has his/her "speech balloon" coming out of an inappropriate part of his body.
11 - A character is drawn with one or more penis-shaped body part(s).
12 - Unrecognizable caricature.
13 - The bad liberal/union representative/feminist/etc is drawn as utterly physically repulsive.
14 - Simply retelling of a "blonde" joke using a different stereotype.
15 - Simple retread of "Joke #117 from the old-gags book".
16 - Self-aggrandizing (e.g. references to "all the letters he got", or the "his grass roots campaign" for some unknown politician).
17 - Unreferenced repetition of an obvious urban legend.
18 - Unreadable "foot note".
19 - Out-of-context misrepresentation of material in footnote.
20 - Depiction of opponent as defending or supporting some unspeakable monster (e.g. Pol Pot or Stalin).
21 - Straw Man - Use of quotation with implication that anyone actually holds some stupid or reprehensible point of view.
22 - Absolutely no idea what his point is.
23 - Mercifully, no politics in today's strip --but even less funny than usual.
24 - Lazy and only used one panel on a weekday.
25 - Lazy and only used one panel on a Sunday.
26 - Overuse of four-dot ellipses.
27 - Too many words.
28 - Has cited an obviously biased news source as his only support.
29 - Has cited an entire publication/site as his source (e.g., USA Today or Google).
30 - Demonstrates Extreme Brazenness or Hypocrisy regarding Republicans (IOKIYAR).
31 - Uncritical Regurgitation of Republican Talking Points.
32 - Creepy Unintentional Self-Revelation.
33 - Includes a Seriously Disturbing Image.

Despite the obvious advantage of some re-organization, I maintained the order of the original list and additions, to maintain backward-compatibility with past comments.

Feel free to suggest additions to the list!

That damned Palin

What's Mallard raving about today?

Sarah Palin, N.O.W., Hillary Clinton

Finally! Mallard gets to Sarah Palin. He starts off with a softball.

Those diesel dyke feminists at N.O.W. are such hypocrites! They supported Hillary Clinton, who represents pretty much everything they stand for, but they don't support Sarah Palin, who represents the opposite of pretty much everything they stand for.

Don't they realize Sarah Palin has boobs? And a vagina?

As if this were not enough glee-inducing stupidity, Mallard once again conveniently forgets that our current President rose to political prominence due to his own familial connection.

Monday, September 22, 2008

That damned crazy world leader

What's Mallard raving about today?

Kim Jong Il, Barack Obama.

Right Wing Dead Enders, like Mallard, have never adjusted to the post-post-911 reality, in which everyone but that has finally realized that the United States is dreadfully on the wrong track.

They still labor under the belief that 80% of the country agree with their handling of foreign policy, when in fact, the numbers have completely reversed themselves.

Any attempt to point facts out to Mallard would, of course, be met by an initial reaction of: "he's scary; you can't talk to scary people." Quickly followed by: "But, Hiiiiiiiitler!"

Sunday, September 21, 2008

That damned chic

What's Mallard raving about today?

Green Chic, Hybrid Vehicles.

The point would be to use environmentally-friendly products without sacrificing style or, as it is sometimes called, "chic".

You'd think a person who spends every day of their life complaining would be better at it.

But it's like Mallard is trying to make the point that Reactionary Idiots don't need the criticism to make sense. They are predisposed to react to certain words without thinking.

And this is something of which, I feel certain, Mallard is proud.

The burns.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

That damned Straw Liberal

What's Mallard raving about today?

Voters, Advertising, Liberals.

Would you care to name "all of those liberals," Mallard? Or does it make it too hard to win your arguments if you can't make both sides of the argument?

It's also worth noting that Mallard views someone being convinced to vote as a bad thing.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

That damned Voter

What's Mallard raving about today?


Mallard hates Democracy, primarily because people have differences of opinion with him.

Everyone clear?

And, for what it is worth, except for their species, I fail to see how someone wasting away in front of a TV with an unidentified box of snacks is any different than Mallard.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

That damned Vote

What's Mallard raving about today?

Rock the Vote

I suspect the name derives from the fact that it involves "Rock Stars" and because it is intended to "rock the boat" by engaging young people in the democratic process.

Of course, that ignores the obvious fact that voting should only be entrusted to fear-mongering, dishonest, intellectually lazy, bitter, old crackpots whose best days (if they ever had them) are long behind them. For whom, John McCain is the Alpha Male and perfect standard-bearer.

It'd be a shame for anyone with hope for the future (and a future) to participate in something as messy as Democracy because God knows what kind of crazy choices they might make. Just look at this presumptuous Obama fellow.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Those damned Double Standards

What's Mallard raving about today?

Sheryl Crow, Voting.

Right Wing Calculus:
  • Totally acceptable: Lies, Wedge Issues and Phony Terror alerts to frighten people into voting Republican.
  • Totally unacceptable: providing people with an incentive to register to vote however they see fit.
Today's Bonus Content: A Mallard Fillmore quiz!

Which of the following things did The Founders not see coming:
  1. A Black Man running for president.
  2. Women gaining the right to vote.
  3. Television.
  4. The deterioration of American decency to the point where crotch shots of ducks are an acceptable image on the comics page.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Those damned lies

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, Joe Biden.

Typical Mallard. Horse crap setup. Botched follow through.

Horse crap setup: Joe Biden committed plagiarism.

Botched follow through: Inaugural address? What about his Acceptance Speech? Do I have to write this stuff for you, Mallard?

Sunday, September 14, 2008

That damned Race Card

What's Mallard raving about today?

Playing the Race Card

While a welcome respite from his ongoing anti-teacher rant, today's Mallard Fillmore is not a respite from his making no sense at all.

I'm seeing the need to add a new Golden Ellipse category this year: Worst Metaphor.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

That damned busy work

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teachers, Busy Work.

I suppose we can sympathize with Mallard here.

After all, his concept of "work" is to stop watching Fox News, write down the last thing Bill O'Reilly said, paste some previously-used drawings of himself next to the text, and mail it off to be published.

Total elapsed time: 3 minutes.

Friday, September 12, 2008

That damned pedagogy

What's Mallard raving about today?

Numbers, Teachers.

Mallard has apparently convinced himself that he was taught in the pedagogical equivalent of a Dickensian Workhouse.

Publishers are actually giving newspaper space to one person's bitter personal rantings. That space couldn't be put to a better purpose? Like an ad? Or a black box?

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Those damned Numbers

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teachers, Numbers, Communism.

At this point, we've crossed the line into Right-Wing Dadaism.

Mallard is offended by being asked to do something correctly twice, as if doing it correctly once proves that you've mastered it and can henceforth forget it entirely.

Mallard assertion that his teachers made him do something until "everyone else can do it" is clearly fabricated nonsense...and a pretty pathetic fabrication at that.

What repetition has to do with Communism, I have no idea, although I suspect it is the final meta-absurdity since the panel makes the same amount of sense no matter what Right Wing bĂȘte noire you substitute in for Communism.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

That damned Relativism

What's Mallard raving about today?


Mallard remembers his teachers thoughts?

The image of a telepathic Mallard is unsettling as hell. Sociopathic or psychopathic, sure.

But the idea that Mallard is reading my mind right now...I have to go put on my tin foil hat.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

That damned desk

What's Mallard raving about today?

Grading curves, teachers, unions.

Not only that, but Mallard's school bussed white kids into the inner duck pond schools.

Monday, September 08, 2008

That damned Latin

What's Mallard raving about today?

Grading Curves.

I apologize profusely, for yesterday's post. Mallard's failure to achieve the grades he felt he deserved was not exclusively the fault of his teachers. The grading curve was also at fault.

I will further amend this tomorrow, when Mallard adds something else to the Great List of Blame.

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Those damned grades

What's Mallard raving about today?


For anyone who has been wondering why exactly Mallard hates teachers so much, he kindly answers that question today: his teachers requested critical thinking and gave him bad grades.

Clearly, they are hateful, spiteful people.

In no way could this have been any reflection on Mallard, who went on to prove them all wrong by becoming a talentless Right Wing water-carrier, whose exclusive mode of expression is to recite Republican Talking Points, and who has told fewer jokes in two years than I have digits on my left hand.

Saturday, September 06, 2008

That damned irony

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teachers, Adjectives, Irony.

Now you're just wasting everyone's time inventing some lame criticism of teachers which has nothing to do with teaching.

Free yourself. Be proud of who you are. Take pen in hand and write "I fucking hate teachers" in big bold letters, ship that off to your syndicate, and be done with it.

Alternate observation: A Right Wing water-carrier who doesn't recognize irony? Next you'll tell me they are incapable of recognizing their own rank hypocrisy.

Friday, September 05, 2008

That damned thought

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teachers, Thinking for yourself.

Translating Mallard-Speak: "I prefer not to think for myself. Tell me what I think."

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Those damned stoners

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teachers, Communism.

Stoned for most of the 20th century? That guy was stoned for more than 50 years? The not-so-subtle message here, apparently, is that getting stoned keeps you looking awfully young.

In other news, Mallard hates teachers with an irrational passion. But he loves straw men because they are the only men against whom he can win an argument.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Those damned dates

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teachers, History.

Mallard believes Mathematics is best taught by doing the work for students. And he believes that understanding history is just about memorizing dates and locations.

It's becoming clear why Mallard hates teachers and Education so much...they were trying to force him to learn something, and that is one thing Mallard will not stand for.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

That damned explanation

What's Mallard raving about today?


I'd like to believe Mallard is being deliberately obtuse or disingenuous in order to reinforce his own, and his audiences', blind rage toward teachers.

More likely, Mallard is just this stupid.

After all, he's been trying to figure out cartooning on his own for years...and the evidence of that failed strategy is on full display today.

Monday, September 01, 2008

Those damned answers

What's Mallard raving about today?


It has been fairly noted in the comments that it is becoming increasingly impossible to distinguish what the hell Mallard is complaining about when it comes to education. Not that Mallard has ever demonstrated coherence when raving, but in this case it's particularly schizoid.

He hates education standards today, but he's equally spiteful regarding education from 30 or 40 years ago.

I believe Mallard yearns for a good old-fashioned Prairie education, in which children copy Scripture passages onto slate boards and use an abacus to learn math before ceasing their education entirely at age 10 and going to work in the fields to help Pa.

This is how he plans to prepare American Youth for the challenges of the 21st Century.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Saturday, August 30, 2008

That damned Energy

What's Mallard raving about today?

Energy, People.

Combining his intense hatred of two things--people and climate change science--Mallard comes up with the worst pun of the 21st century.

Nice work.

Friday, August 29, 2008

That damned TV

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Media, John Edwards

For example if they had known that the outing of a CIA agent was a calculated disinformation campaign against the American Public by a Republican Administration, they would have said something, right? Right?

Oh, right...

Thursday, August 28, 2008

That damned metaphor

What's Mallard raving about today?

China, Old people.

In order for a metaphor to work, Mallard, it should have some resonance with the subject matter.

So unless you are saying that old people are like brutal Totalitarian states (which may be the case, given that Mallard hates everyone reflexively and intensely), this constitutes the worst metaphor ever.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

That damned lag time

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton.

Nice timing.

I only wish that the attempt by Right Wing concern trolls, like Mallard, to manufacture a rift between Obama and Clinton were not being abetted by a Media obsessed with drama rather than facts.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

That damned Hillary

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton.

Hillary is the least of his worries, seeing as how Barack Obama is about to have his skull ripped off by a disembodied alien claw.

Monday, August 25, 2008

That damned Convention

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, The Media.

Empty-headed and wrong. Pretty much the definition of Mallard Fillmore.
Barack Obama is getting more negative coverage than John McCain on TV network evening news shows, reversing Obama’s lead in good press during the primaries, according to a new study by Center for Media and Public Affairs (CMPA).

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Those damned teachers

What's Mallard raving about today?


The young Mallard was too lazy to think for himself and preferred to be spoon-fed all his knowledge.

Today's Mallard is too lazy to think for himself and prefers to be spoon-fed his opinions.

It's a case study in the Life Cycle of the Right Wing Water Carrier.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Those damned supporters

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama's Supporters.

Much like the Rich Grumpy Old Man, Mallard's line of attack here is not so much an attack on Obama, but essentially an attack on his supporters as mindless celebrity-worshiping idiots.

Thus removing all doubt, if there ever was any, whether Senator I-don't know-how-many-houses-I-own will continue the divisive President of One-Half of America politics of President Bush. Less an attack, it is an admission that McCain is McSame.

The racism thing? All I can tell you is that Mallard must hear that charge a lot, and it's always the other person's problem. Nothing to do with him.

Friday, August 22, 2008

That damned man on the street

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, personal responsibility.

Mallard: Hello, pretend person, why do you support Barack Obama rather than the angry rich out-of-touch old guy?
Pretend Person: For a pretend reason that makes no sense in any event.
Mallard: Allow me to make what appears to be a droll comment but which is really just an empty expression of my smugness.
Pretend Person: I am an idiot.

Ooops. I forgot to tell a joke.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

That damned logic

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, Vouchers.

Obama pays to send his kids to Private School and yet doesn't complain about funding Public Schools with his tax dollars.

Mallard wants to stop funding Public Schools, won't stop whining about it, and makes absolutely baseless statements that vouchers "work."

An Obama is the one you are mocking? I'll take Obama's compromise position any day.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Those damned vouchers

What's Mallard raving abut today?

Barack Obama, Vouchers.

Barack Obama supported vouchers in February? Really?

Not so much.

What Obama actually said was that if studies of voucher programs showed that they worked, then "whatever my preconceptions, my attitude is you do what works for the kids."
The executive director of the lobbying group Democrats for Education Reform, Joseph Williams, said the response was unusual for a Democratic politician, praising Mr. Obama for making his bottom line helping children learn rather than ideology.

"I don't think anyone can call him a voucher supporter out of this, but it is an intriguing response," Mr. Williams said. "It is a different kind of answer than most of us are used to hearing from politicians."
In other words: Obama would let facts guide his decision-making, rather than strict ideology. Suddenly I understand why Mallard is so threatened by Obama.

I'd call Mallard a lying sack of crap, but it's hardly worth stating the obvious.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

That damned program

What's Mallard raving about today?

School Vouchers, Barack Obama.

The Reverend Sun Myung Moon's Republican mouthpiece says the school vouchers program is working? God forbid anyone should question that!

I am reasonably certain that we have just finished reading the 2008 winner for the "Least Helpful Asterisk" Golden Ellipses.

Monday, August 18, 2008

That damned Freedom Fighter

What's Mallard raving about today?

Alexander Solzhenitsyn.

As if yesterday were not enough to peg the smug superiority meter, today Mallard is better than you because he read Alexander Solzhenitsyn, and you didn't.

Of course in acting superior to everyone, Mallard conveniently ignores the fact that some of those whose eyeballs fall on his work have read Solzhenitsyn. He also ignores the fact that, unlike him, many of those people have understood it.

Plus, isn't reading Solzhenitsyn something that only Elitists would do? Just spelling it correctly made me suspicious that Mallard is an Elitist.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Those damned projects

What's Mallard raving about today?

Science projects, Back-to-School.

That's Mallard Fillmore, ladies and gentlemen. Promoting smug superiority from cradle to grave.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Metapost: Happy YOU

I wanted to mention that this blog happens to be 2 years old today.

I can honestly say that if it were not for the fact that I enjoy reading the comments on the blog every day, I am certain I would have abandoned this nonsense long ago.

So all the credit for that anniversary goes to those of you who read and post.

Thanks very much!

That damned flop

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, Racism, Flip-Flopping.

Awfully considerate of Mallard to clarify what he meant yesterday by telling us that what's eating away at him is that when he makes racist comments about Barack Obama, he gets called a racist.

Google shows about 1,760,000 hits for the keywords "Obama flip-flop." So, the idea that this topic is somehow taboo is insupportable by anyone with a cerebral cortex. Hell, I'd venture to say that amoeba can see through this claim.

The fact that calling Obama a flip-flopper is not having the same effect as it did against John Kerry in 2004 does not mean that the tactic is racist. It means it is no longer effective when people compare that charge to the litany of disaster which 8 years of Republican governance has caused.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Those damned words

What's Mallard raving about today?


I'd like to think this was an unbelievably well-disguised paean to George Carlin and his Seven Words. But it's more likely he's just pissed off that it isn't acceptable to call his Black neighbor "boy" anymore.

And, yes, that's as tame as I can make this.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

That damned debate

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama

Given that the current Occupant hasn't changed his mind about anything in 8 years, despite being wrong about everything, I'm not inclined to give a rat's ass, even if this weren't just empty-headed name-calling.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

That damned blessing

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, Elitism.

For a man who professes to not like John McCain, Mallard is pretty consistent in his mindless parroting of McCain talking points. Dog whistle politics in action...

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

That damned bounce

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, Polls.

Mallard, making things up out of whole cloth does not make them true.
Earlier this week, Obama and McCain were separated by just two to four points, but that was before the extensive U.S. news coverage of the last leg of Obama's foreign tour.

Obama's particularly large leads over McCain in Friday and Saturday's tracking suggest that the massive publicity surrounding Obama's speech at the Victory Tower in Berlin on Friday -- the only major public event of the trip -- and coverage of Obama's meetings with the heads of state in France and Germany may have tilted U.S. voter preferences more in his favor.
- Gallup Poll

Monday, August 11, 2008

That damned polling data

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, Europe.

Whereas John McCain would win if the election were held in a German Restaurant.

But what's really amazing is the implicit attitude that being popular in Europe is a bad thing. Having Allies in the World is a bad thing.

"It's like these guys take pride in being ignorant."

Sunday, August 10, 2008

That damned School

What's Mallard raving about today?

Being Green, School.

Today's Mallard reminded me how much was lost when Bill Watterson retired. I can't help but imagine what Calvin & Hobbes would have done with the exact same premise.

Saturday, August 09, 2008

That damned assembly

What's Mallard raving about today?

Gun Laws.

Mallard, comics are not supposed to be a purely textual medium. Cutting and pasting your main character's head three times does not count as a visual element.

If you want to write Op-Eds, then get a gig in which you are paid to write an Op-Ed.

Are we clear?

Friday, August 08, 2008

That damned ruling

What's Mallard raving about today?

Gun Laws, Criminals, Unions.

The Supreme Court strikes down the gun ban Mallard was raving about, but Mallard keeps on bleating. Proving that under no circumstances will he not complain about something.

On the plus side, it appears that, somewhere between March and today, the Anonymous Activist Criminal managed to form that Union he was calling for when we last saw him. He seems to have bulked up quite a bit also.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Those damned percentages

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Bush, Congress.

The reason Congress has an approval rating of 15% is that, instead of doing what is right, they continue to cave in to a President with an approval rating of under 30%, despite that fact that he is openly violating the law and the Constitution.

But it was a nice attempt, there, Mallard.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

That damned meter

What's Mallard raving about today?


A Sensitive-o-Meter? Seriously, that's what you want to go with?

A regular Sensitive-o-Meter?

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Monday, August 04, 2008

That damned Stella

What's Mallard raving about today?

Beer, Barack Obama.

If you wanted to make the case that Barack Obama is an elitist, you'd end with "...of my Stella Artois."

If you wanted to make the case that you are a talentless hack who doesn't know when the point has been made and just keeps vomiting forth stuff until the page is full in the hopes that something will be worthwhile, you'd add "And what is a 'Budweiser' anyway?" You'd also make sure to emphasize the word "is" because otherwise the sentence wouldn't make any sense...or something...I guess.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

Those damned Fairy Tales

What's Mallard raving about today?

Fairly Tales.

Since I have no idea what triggered Mallard sudden anger at fiction, I will satisfy myself by pointing out the irony in Mallard criticizing trite overused narrative gimmicks.

Arugula anyone?

Saturday, August 02, 2008

That damned Freddie Mac

What's Mallard raving about today?

Freddie Mac, The Media.

Americans are losing their houses and suffering. Mallard uses this as reason to mock the media.

Yep, seems about right.

Friday, August 01, 2008

That damned McCain

What's Mallard raving about today?

John McCain, Kazhakstan.

I'm totally confused. Is making Mallard ambassador to Kazakhstan throwing Mallard under the bus? Or rewarding him because he does not speak for John McCain?

Maybe the reason McCain hasn't repudiated Mallard yet is that, like me, he usually has no idea what the hell Mallard's talking about.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

That damned Bus

What's Mallard raving about today?

John McCain, Conservatives.

For the second day in a row, one arm is wearing a different suit color.

Oh, and Mallard doesn't like John McCain. Presumably because he got rid of Phil Gramm after he called us a nation of "whiners."

You know, it seems like the only person who would run a worse campaign than John McCain is already doing would be Mallard. Perhaps McCain is hiring!

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

That damned Photoshop

What's Mallard raving about today?

Iran, Nuclear weapons, Photoshop, Barack Obama.

Well let's hope Obama's Photshop skills are better than Mallard's. After all, that hand on the right is white, and is wearing a different suit color than Obama.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

That damned quote

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, Bilingualism.

The piece of Obama's statement which Mallard oh-so-nonchalantly chooses to excerpt changes the sentiment dramatically:
I don’t understand when people are going around worrying about, we need to have English only. They, they want to pass a law, we want just, uh, we want English only. Now, I agree that immigrants should learn English, I agree with that. But, but understand this, instead of worrying about whether, uh, immigrants can learn English - they’ll learn English - YOU need to make sure YOUR child can speak SPANISH! You should be thinking about how can your child become bilingual.
Even in the piece he excerpted, he left out the part that pretty much contradicts the point he is hoping to make. Dishonesty at its most profound.

And for what? To make the point that Mallard is afraid of people speaking another language or children learning another language. If that isn't the textbook example of being a Reactionary Idiot, I don't know what is.

Still it's hard to put a smack down on this that is superior to the one Senator Obama himself made:
You know, this is an example of some of the problems we get into when somebody attacks you for saying the truth, which is why we should want children with more knowledge.
I, for one, look forward to having a President who is smarter than Mallard. It will be a refreshing change.

Monday, July 28, 2008

That damned Black Hole

What's Mallard raving about today?

Black Holes, Judges, racism.

Typical logic from the intellectually lazy Mallard.

One person doesn't understand what a black hole is, jumps to the wrong conclusion, and demands an apology. And we are supposed to draw some larger and nefarious inference from this rather silly (and embarrassing) incident.

Shall we make the same sort of inferences based on everything one waterfowl says?

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Those damned topics

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama.

Mallard, I defy you to point to an instance where Senator Obama actually declared any of those topics off limits.

I'm waiting...

Saturday, July 26, 2008

That damned Pop Tart

What's Mallard raving about today?

Pop Tarts, Reality TV.

I am proud to announce I have absolutely no idea what this is supposed to mean.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Those damned clothes

What's Mallard raving about today?



Well, well, well.

Looks like we have a front-runner for this year's "Creepiest Unintentional Self-Revelation" award winner.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

That damned article

What's Mallard raving about today?

Rush Limbaugh, NPR, a Study.

Looks like I could have stayed on vacation, since this ground has been well-covered and since Mallard has written the same strip 3 times in a row now.

That said, when trying to demonstrate that your demographic has more news knowledge, I find it helps to get the date of the article correct.

I'm going back to bed now.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

That damned Vacation

What's Mallard raving about today?

Today, I don't know. But I should be back and reading Mallard Fillmore tomorrow. Pity me that fate.

Make it count!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Monday, July 21, 2008

Sunday, July 20, 2008

That damned Vacation

What's Mallard raving about today?

Do you honestly think I care?

Whatever you are about to say, I am sure it is an outrage to decency. Say it anyway.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

That damned Vacation

What's Mallard raving about today?

Yes. I would like another mojito.

Remember, everyone has some good in them, despite appearances to the contrary.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

That damned word

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, Liberals, Joe Biden.

It's time to play everyone's favorite blog game: Are You Smarter Than a Duck?

Mallard claims the word articulate is being mistaken for a racial slur.

See if you can spot something other than the word "articulate" which might have been considered offensive in the following quote from Senator Biden (in February of 2007, for God's sake):
I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy, I mean, that's a storybook, man.