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Saturday, March 31, 2012

That damned Launch

What's Mallard raving about today?

Apple, The Media

Taken at face value, you'd have to assume Mallard Fillmore was suggesting that Apple product launches are not newsworthy, which would make him a complete lackwit.

After having read Mallard Fillmore for over 2 years, and knowing as I do that he is incapable of using the English language with any precision, I am sure Mallard did not mean to suggest such a thing and was, rather, making an imprecise attempt at at a joke...which still makes him a complete lackwit, if only for a different reason.

Friday, March 30, 2012

That damned Cloud

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Cloud

If today's Mallard Fillmore were a Jeopardy answer, the question would be: "What jokes does a person who doesn't understand what The Cloud is make?"

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Those damned Moms

What's Mallard raving about today?

Books, Moms

Sad. Joyless. Mallard Fillmore.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

That damned Sense

What's Mallard raving about today?

Those kids today and their fiction!

Young people, according to Mallard Fillmore: Leeches on Society and poor judges of fiction.

Mallard Fillmore, according to Young people: What's Mallard Fillmore?

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

That damned Genre

What's Mallard raving about today?


That's it? One day on Rush Limbaugh and now you're commenting on those damned kids and their Hunger Games/Twilight books?

Oh, all right, fine...but this isn't going to be nearly as much fun as watching you defend Rush.

Here's one difference between Mallard and myself:

  • My reaction to kids reading these books: This is good. Kids are reading!
  • Mallard's reaction to the same: This is bad. Kids are not reading what I want them to read!
In unrelated news, Conservatives recently accused President Obama of brainwashing kids due to his desire for them to be able to attend college.

I seriously don't understand how the Conservative mind can hold so many completely contradictory thoughts without exploding.

Monday, March 26, 2012

That damned Demonstration

What's Mallard raving about today?

Rush Limbaugh, The Media

Right on cue (read: 3-weeks later when I am sure every single sentient Republican would rather everyone stop talking about it), Mallard rides to Rush Limbaugh's rescue.

Right on message, he decides to go for the "Liberals do it also!" defense.

Unfortunately for Rush, the GOP, and Mallard, American Women have clearly understood the difference between diatribes directed at public figures (such as Sarah Palin, Michele Bachman, and Hilary Clinton) and a sustained 3-day verbal assault on a private citizen whose stepped forward to testify in front of Congress.

That said, Mallard...PLEASE keep this issue alive! PLEASE keep highlighting that Republicans simply don't see anything at all wrong with what Limbaugh said (aside from maybe an indelicate choice of words). Because this is a great election-year issue for Republicans. Honestly. If you just keep talking about it long enough, you will brow-beat women into believing you.

(For what it is worth, I would appreciate that you take the same approach with the Ryan budget, which is also an election-year winner for you, especially if you take the approach that brow-beating America with the rightness and righteousness of your position will eventually win out.)

Sunday, March 25, 2012

That damned Fish

What's Mallard raving about today?

Fish, Cholesterol

Not only is this incomprehensible in general, it's incomprehensible in specific since fish is not high in cholesterol.

Mallard Fillmore: 100% wrong 100% of the time.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

That damned Extremist

What's Mallard raving about today?

Bears, Extremists, Liberals

Mallard's timing curse continues, as he chooses this week to insist that stereotyping based on appearance is just fine. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

(In reality Mallard's "timing curse" is not to hard to explain, given the fact that he's 100% wrong 100% of the time.)

Friday, March 23, 2012

Those damned Mammals

What's Mallard raving about today?

Mammals, Bailouts

For a guy who routinely attacks the bailout, this is rich. And by "rich" I mean incredibly stupid and dishonest.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

That damned Ad

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, NBC News

Assertion...not the same as fact.

Endless boring as you think it is.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

That damned Bright Side

What's Mallard raving about today?

Unemployment, Government Spending

I was wrong, Mallard did add something to his repetitiveness whinging about duplication of effort.

He added his standard tone deafness about unemployment, which he finds alternately hilarious and vexing, since in his world you get paid for putting forth no effort to create nothing of value.

I stand corrected.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Those damned Duplicates

What's Mallard raving about today?

Government Spending.

This is going to continue until Friday. Nothing new will be added. Mallard will just repeat this over and over and over.

Then he will make an incomprehensible panel about fish.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Monday, March 19, 2012

That damned New Report

What's Mallard raving about today?

GAO, Government Spending

It's always difficult to follow Mallard's footnotes, but my search for the source of his claim revealed that the report was from March 2011, so, you know, Mallard's definition of "new" is somewhat suspect.

Friday, March 16, 2012

That damned Bracelet

What's Mallard raving about today?

Dinosaurs, Liberals.

Apparently someone challenged Mallard Fillmore to come up with the worst metaphor ever.

Seriously, Mallard, if you're not even going to try anymore, this is no fun.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

That damned Thing

What's Mallard raving about today?

Higher Education, Racism

Mallard Fillmore: proving daily that repeated assertion and fact are not related, no matter how hard you try.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

That damned Quota

What's Mallard raving about today?

Jeremy Lin, Higher Education, Racism

You see how Mallard ties this all together into one nice neat, incoherent bow?

Monday, March 12, 2012

Those Damned Test Scores

What's Mallard raving about today?

Universities, Asian-Americans

For those curious, here's the basis for today's Mallard Fillmore:
We have recently completed an extensive examination of how much weight is placed on applicants' many characteristics in the elite private university admission process. Race and ethnicity matter in producing a diverse class. Measured on an all-other-things-equal basis, black applicants have an admission advantage compared with whites equivalent to 310 SAT points (on the old 1,600-point scale), while the advantage for Hispanic candidates is 130 points. Asian-American applicants face a disadvantage of 140 SAT points.
Of course, Mallard chooses the highly inflammatory phrasing "require Asians to score 140 points higher" when, of course that is a falsehood.

Anyone want to venture a guess what Mallard would say if college admissions were 50% Asian-Americans?

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Those damned Pythons

What's Mallard raving about today?

Burmese Pythons

Wait a moment...let me see if I understand this correctly, Mallard. You're saying the effect of [insert the name of an immigrant group here] is having the same effect on America that Burmese Pythons are having on the Everglades?

In unrelated news, it's hard to understand why Whites make up over 90% of GOP voters in all but two of their primaries to date.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

That damned Office

What's Mallard raving about today?


Asian Americans make up 4.4% of The US Population.

Thanks to commenter DiR, we know that 18% of Harvard's class of 2015 are Asian American.

Ergo, facts have a Liberal bias, which we know because the only alternative is that Mallard Fillmore is a lying sack of crap...and we all know that can't be true.

Thursday, March 08, 2012

That damned Constraint

What's Mallard raving about today?

Jeremy Lin

Well, now this has veered into truly creepy territory. But, you know, I am sure Jeremy Lin was inspired by a fetishized Asian-American child character in Mallard Fillmore.

Tuesday, March 06, 2012

That damned Imbalance

What's Mallard raving about today?

Racism, Jeremy Lin, The Media

On days like today, I wonder if Mallard acts deliberately obtuse because he sees it as his role to be an agent provocateur or whether Mallard is just dumb as a bag of hammers.

That damned Lin

What's Mallard raving about today?

Jeremy Lin

It's going to be a long week.

Monday, March 05, 2012

That damned Other News

What's Mallard raving about today?

Jeremy Lin, President Obama, Mitt Romney

The Fillmore Foundation gets paid to point out the absolutely obvious: Politicians are less popular than a sports star.

Sunday, March 04, 2012

That damned Company

What's Mallard raving about today?

Green Companies

Don't you dare use tax dollars to incent development of Green technology, unless it is 100% guaranteed to succeed.

But, don't you dare threaten tax dollar subsidies to Oil companies. Being the most profitable companies on the planet, they require tax dollars to survive.

While we're on the subject, Auto Industry bailouts which saved over 300,000 jobs? Blaaargh!!!!!!

Here's the thing about the modern GOP: They pretend to care about deficits and government spending. But all the really care about is what tax dollars are spent on. If spent to further enrich the Rich, that is OK. The fact that they are Rich is proof enough that they deserve to be Rich and we should support them with obedience and tax dollars. If spent on the Middle Class or in any way to benefit the Middle Class, then it is Socialism, Evil, or Class Warfare (possibly all three).

Saturday, March 03, 2012

That damned Survey

What's Mallard raving about today?

Telephone Surveys

Hey, look everyone, Mallard is on the phone again. Waiting again. Doing nothing again.

It's like watching Waiting for Godot, if it were written by a fourth-grader, with set design by a kindergarten class, featuring actors from Mr Harrison's first-grade class.

Friday, March 02, 2012

That damned Cholesterol

What's Mallard raving about today?


Seriously, why are we opposed to value judgement? Can't all media be like Rush Limbaugh and just call college girls sluts?

Thursday, March 01, 2012

That damned Rate

What's Mallard raving about today?

Minimum Wage, Employment

Except the Minimum wage remains at $7.25.

And research indicates that raising Minimum Wage does not increase unemployment.

Other than being wrong on every assertion in today's comic, nice work, Mallard.