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Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Those damned T-Shirts

What's Mallard raving about today?

Fidel Castro, Che Guevara, Grad Students

You know how Mallard bleats about Higher Education and speech codes which he sees as a threat to Right Wing speech?

Well, forget that for a moment, because T-shirts worn by college students is a dire threat to America and must be stopped!

Monday, May 30, 2011

Memorial Day

What's Mallard raving about today?

Memorial Day

If you really cared, Mallard, you'd have been an actual detractor of the war in Iraq and demanded more from the war in Afghanistan.

As it is, you have no stead to wrap yourself in the flag.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Memorial Day

What's Mallard raving about today?

Memorial Day

"So on this day of silent remembrance and solemn prayer I ask all Americans, wherever you are, whoever you're with, whatever you're doing, to pause in national unity at 3:00 this afternoon. I ask you to ring a bell, or offer a prayer, say a silent 'thank you.' And commit to give something back to this nation -- something lasting -- in their memory; to affirm in our own lives and advance around the world those enduring ideals of justice, equality, and opportunity for which they and so many generations of Americans have given that last full measure of devotion."

- A Socialist Muslim Usurper at Arlington National Cemetery

Saturday, May 28, 2011

That damned Infringement

What's Mallard raving about today?


If Mallard can be believed (a big "if") people are reading Mallard Fillmore.

So, yes...people are getting stupider.

Friday, May 27, 2011

That damned Sign

What's Mallard raving about today?

Emailers, Signs

Mallard Fillmore is shocked, shocked I tell you, to find that everyone does not share his precise world view.

I mean, how can that be true since his views are exactly what Fox says they should be?

Thursday, May 26, 2011

That damned Colonoscopy

What's Mallard raving about today?

Aging, Colonoscopy

That's it? 3 comments on the killing of Osama Bin Laden?

(Bear in mind that this is the same Mallard who has wet his pants at least a dozen times about how we need to profile all Muslims in line to board an airplane.)

And now you're talking about shoving a camera up your cloaca?

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

The damned Credit

What's Mallard raving about today?

Navy Seals (or Eagles?), President Obama.

Now that's more like it, we're back into total Right Wing lickspittle territory!

The Navy Seals deserve all the credit they have gotten for a mission well done.

But, I'm sorry Mallard, the Seals didn't make the call to go in. And the person who made the call deserves credit for making that call.

The orgy of blame that would have ensued from the Right Wing had the mission failed (or had it been discovered we passed up the chance entirely), demands and equal and opposite apportionment of credit for the opposite result.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

That damned Future

What's Mallard raving about today?


Truthfully, I never really consider the quality of Mallard Fillmore as a comic, because it's so impossible to discern beneath all the mindless hatred and blatant lies on display.

On a day like today, when Mallard Fillmore is saying nothing hateful and nothing which is a blatant lie, I can pause to ponder that question and realize just how objectively dreadful it is.

Monday, May 23, 2011

That damned Idiom

What's Mallard raving about today?

Royal Wedding, Osama Bin Laden

Points given for an actual attempt at something recognizable as humor.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Those damned Buzz-Killers

What's Mallard raving about today?


For those of you who have forgotten, what the study actually says is this: "...the authors followed more than 2,300 undergraduates at two dozen universities, and concluded that 45 percent 'demonstrated no significant gains in critical thinking, analytical reasoning, and written communications during the first two years of college."

Mallard sees no irony in the fact that he lacks the necessary critical thinking and analytical reasoning to actually comprehend the study to which he refers.

And, while lying about the study, Mallard can't even quote the percentage right (36% vs. 45%) day after chastising a child for mis-spelling a word in an Email.

Mallard Fillmore: Less intelligent than a 5th grader, with less self-awareness, and delusions of grandeur.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

That damned Maid

What's Mallard raving about today?


Mallard's perfect timing continues...a day after a Right Wing Lap Dog mis-spells "lunch" in the comments here at Duck and Cover, Mallard rails about a high school student mis-spelling a word in an Email to Mallard Fillmore.

So, Anonymous commenter, your idol, Mallard Fillmore thinks you're an idiot.

Friday, May 20, 2011

That damned Graphics Error

What's Mallard raving about today?

Donal Trump's Hair

All of that is fine, but doesn't explain his lower lip in today's panel. What's the hell is going on with that?

In other news, Newt Gingrich is challenging Trump for the fastest slide into irrelevance.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

That damned Vacation

What's Mallard raving about today?

Gas Prices

And yet, Republicans do not favor reduction of welfare for Oil Companies nor regulation of the financial industry to prevent speculation artificially driving up prices.

That said, only Elitists travel outside America,'s all for the best.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

That damned Smartphone

What's Mallard raving about today?


Osama Bin Laden is dead...but Mallard has identified our new enemy! It's Steve Jobs and his nefarious iPhone.

That is until Mallard catches up with outrage over the White House inviting Common to a poetry jam. But remember, everyone, racism is dead.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

That damned Dinosaur

What's Mallard raving about today?

Dinosaurs, Racists

Are there some species of dinosaur not assumed to be extinct of which I am not aware?

This panel sets a record for the most unnecessary words in a single sentence.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Those damned Birthers

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Birthers

First of all, 30% of Republicans still believe President Obama was not born in the U.S. even after he released his Birth Certificate. There was never an real worry that showing proof they were wrong would make the lunatic fringe go away, since this was never a reality-based belief anyway.

Second, I don't think anyone needs to worry about a dearth of crazy Republican conspiracy theorists for the next 18 months. If 100% of Birthers gave up this particular conspiracy, the only remaining question would be: what crazy conspiracy will replace it?

Way to cleave to the Talking Points, though. The whole Birther thing was President Obama's fault...he wanted republicans to look crazy and tricked them into going along with the plan! He's a crafty Nigerian...I mean American.

Unfortunately, you're a couple of weeks late and events have overtaken those Birther talking points.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Those damned Fireflies

What's Mallard raving about today?


After setting a seemingly impossibly low water mark yesterday, Mallard follows up strong by making absolutely no sense at all. Unless you share his mindless hatred of CFLs, of course.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

That damned Candidate

What's Mallard raving about today?

DJ 3000: Those clowns in congress did it again. What a bunch of clowns.
Bill: [laughs] How does it keep up with the news like that? 
Mallard Fillmore copies the DJ 3000, only he thinks he actually made a joke worth making.

This is the kind of cutting edge quality we've come to expect from zombie comics whose main goal is not upsetting the septuagenarians who grew up on it.

Congratulations to Mallard Fillmore on those high aspirations!

Friday, May 13, 2011

That damned Prince

What's Mallard raving about today?

Princes, Email scams.

How edgy! Mallard combines the recent Royal Wedding with Email scams from last decade! What's next, a Parkour reference?

At any rate, I suppose this means we're close to finding out from Mallard why President Obama deserves no credit for killing Osama Bin Laden. Place your bets!

Thursday, May 12, 2011

That damned Problem

What's Mallard raving about today?

Obesity, Starvation.

Mallard Fillmore finds the silver lining ins Childhood Obesity.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

That damned Cialis

What's Mallard raving about today?

Television, Pharmaceuticals.

Oh, Mallard! Why do you hate the Free Market?

And why can't you change the channel on your TV, like the rest of us?

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Those damned Doctors

What's Mallard raving about today?


Mallard, the compliment about Dr. Singhal (who doesn't keep patients waiting all day) would probably make more sense if it was not paid from the waiting room.

I know it's asking a lot for you to think of, let alone draw, people in a state of anything other than inactivity (art reflects what we know, after all, both mentally and physically).

Monday, May 09, 2011

That damned Chimp

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Bush.

It's totally incomprehensible how anyone could believe that racism fuels opposition to President Obama.

I  mean, we've had 44 Presidents in our history and questions about whether they were actually born in America have been asked of each and every one. So, what's your point?

Sunday, May 08, 2011

That damned Funding

What's Mallard raving about today?

Cowboys, Poetry.

Mallard Fillmore wakes up one morning seething about the fact that the Arts gets about $146M in funding from the U.S. Government.

He never wakes up angry that Oil companies, already among the most profitable in human history, get around $4B from the U.S. Government.

No one is, of course, surprised by this. If Mallard were ever to exhibit intellectual honesty, he would no longer be acceptable to the Wingnut Welfare state and lose his only current and potential source of income.

On another note, one can only speculate about the significance of Mallard's choice of Cowboys to make his point.

Saturday, May 07, 2011

Those damned TVs

What's Mallard raving about today?

Television, Technology.

Average Americans may need a break not a lecture. But that won't stop Mallard from lecturing to all but 4 of us.

Friday, May 06, 2011

That damned Trump

What's Mallard raving about today?

Donald Trump, President Obama.

Nice work, Mallard. In the meantime, Donald Trump is rapidly becoming a punchline while President Obama accomplished the ultimate in substance over style.

Thursday, May 05, 2011

That damned Indignation

What's Mallard raving about today?

Foreign Policy

Hypocrisy, thy name is Mallard.

Invade Iraq for no reason? I'll be silent when the President is Republican. Assist Rebels against a dictator notorious for supporting terrorists? Unconscionable when the President is Democratic.

But, hypocrisy aside, please keep up with the Foreign Policy angle, there Mallard. It's a real winner for you.

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

That damned Support

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Air Traffic Controllers.

Ha! Ha! That President Obama, he's such a mess when it comes to combating terrorism!

Huh? He did what, now?

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

That damned Honk

What's Mallard raving about today?

Air Traffic Controllers

Luckily for everyone, Mallard Fillmore's job is 100% non-essential, given that he's been asleep at it for the last 2 years, at least.

Monday, May 02, 2011

That damned Wedding

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Royal Wedding

Like Mallard, I do not share any sense of fascination for the Royal Family or the Royal Wedding.

Unlike Mallard, my lack of fascination is not confused for superiority over those who are fascinated.

Also, Mallard, your TV is just following Free Market principles. Why are you such a Socialist? Why do you hate Capitalism? Why do you hate America?

Mallard Fillmore in 2-3 weeks: Why President Obama does not deserve any credit for the killing of Osama Bin Laden.

Sunday, May 01, 2011

That damned Movie

What's Mallard raving about today?


Hey, Mallard Fillmore hates these modern movies! Wow, how surprising.

We all know Mallard hasn't enjoyed a movie since Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!. Unless, of course, you imagine he was one of the 5 people who saw Atlas Shrugged, Part 1.

But, at least at the Movies, Mallard's crotch is obscured by his feet.