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Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Those damned Grads

What's Mallard raving about today?

Starbucks, College Grads.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! It's funny because 6,700 people lost their jobs!

Sunday, March 29, 2009

That damned Average Guy

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Bailout, Average Guys, Congress.

No, Average Guy. No you may not have a bailout.

Those Republicans you put in office because President Bush seemed like a "regular guy" screwed you over when they eliminated sensible regulations for financial institutions, allowing those institutions to treat Wall Street like Las Vegas, except that they kept all the wins while your 401k absorbed the losses.

Next time, don't be such an idiot when you vote.

Oh, and given Mallard long history of spite towards "Average people" it's highly amusing for him to suddenly cast himself as their spokesduck.

That damned stuff

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, The Economy.

Two reasons not to pay attention to Right-Wing Water Carriers, like Mallard, when complaining about proposed plans to address the Economy:
  1. Those who played the role of cheerleader for the Administration who got us into this mess sacrificed all credibility long ago.
  2. Where was the outrage when President Bush handed money away?

Saturday, March 28, 2009

That damned...what now?

What's Mallard raving about today?


I am completely confused...

Since I started this blog over two years ago, Mallard had consistently decried Higher Education as worthless (at best) and seditious (at worst).

I fail to understand why he cares how much it costs, since it would be utter hypocrisy if he (or his offspring) took part in the system he hates so much.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Those damned Body Parts

What's Mallard raving about today?

College Costs, Home Values

It's really too bad we didn't privatize Social security when we had the chance. Then Mallard could make fun of destitute old people too.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Meta-Post: 2008 Golden Ellipses

And the Winners Were:

Golden Ellipses: Ray Bolger Award for Invention in Straw Men

Oops, I forgot to finish this up! And the winner is...

Obama Voters are Dumb!

The Nominees for the Ray Bolger Award for Invention in Straw Men are:
  • Smug and Superior - "So many voters" think this, do they? I suppose it must be true, of course, since your caricature of Senator Clinton agrees.
  • Off Limits - Given that voters don't seem to care about any of these criticisms, perhaps I can criticize President Obama for declaring criticism off-limits. The fact that this is simply a product of my fevered imagination is no impediment.
  • Straw Jesse - It would be so cool if Jesse Jackson didn't support President Obama! I can't let the fact that it is not true stop me.
  • Obama Voters are Dumb! - Need proof? Just listen to the Obama supporter I invented. He totally confirms my worst suspicions.
  • Ahmadinejad's Candidate - You would not vote for a candidate supported by President Ahmadinejad, would you? Well, let me tell you who he supports.

That damned Press

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, The media.


Do you want me to pull up the transcripts from when our cod-pieced President landed on an aircraft carrier?

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Those damned weenies

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Rush Limbaugh, Republicans.

Man, sucks to be Republican. They lost the vast middle of America over the last 8 years. Now they are losing the dead-enders from their own party.

Not that it's not deserved, of course. It's hard to be wrong about everything for years without alienating a few people.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

That damned bed

What's Mallard raving about today?

Rush Limbaugh, The News.

I gotta side with the kid. I would be pretty terrified if I had an inkling, imagined or not, that Rush Limbaugh was under my bed.

Still, it's pretty rich for the same people who were shouting "Terrorist!" and "Kill Him!" about Barack Obama to get the vapors over criticism of Rush Limbaugh.

Monday, March 23, 2009

That damned Past

What's Mallard raving about today?

Democrats, President Obama

I am somewhat jealous of the Republican ability to be completely stateless. Each criticism exists in blissful isolation for its own political gain, without any signs of the cognitive dissonance which should occur.

None of which is to say that there is not hypocrisy in individuals on both sides, much like what is hinted at in today's Mallard.

However the institutionally unique ability of Republicans to line up behind talking points, without any self-awareness of the inherent hypocrisy in the argument itself, is both mind-boggling and awe-inspiring.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Those damned soloists

What's Mallard raving about today?

Soloists, Energy.

Ahhhh, March Madness.

For most Americans, an opportunity to spend a couple weeks watching college basketball and good-naturedly competing with co-workers and friends in a tournament pool.

For Mallard, a new opportunity to complain about shit.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

That damned Executive Order

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama

I would totally support an Executive Order making everything all better right now!

That would rock.

It's not much less absurd than how President Bush made torture into not torture.

Friday, March 20, 2009

That damned Economist

What's Mallard raving about today?

The economy.

I like the fact that Mallard felt the need to include a downward squiggle, as if otherwise we might not know what a worsening economy was like.

I love the fact that the colorist added red highlights, as if otherwise we might not recognize that down means "loss."

Thursday, March 19, 2009

That damned Chevrolet

What's Mallard raving about today?

The future, Chevrolet.

Positive: Actually a funny joke today. Reminds me of Stephen Colbert's "Enjoy that joke because you children won't know what a glacier is." (To paraphrase).

Negative: Please tell me I won't still be reading Mallard Fillmore every day in 2012.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

That damned Chevy

What's Mallard raving about today?

Chevy, Ford, Mexico.

It surprises me that Mallard is not a fan of NAFTA since it is Free market economics in action.

Unless this is some sort of well-disguised anti-Mexican slur.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

That damned pork

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Pork.

I am not certain President Obama did run on a "no pork" platform. I'm certain the other guy wouldn't stop shouting "You earmarks get off my lawn!" But I really don't recall pork spending being a major part of President Obama's campaign.

Also, the purpose of a stimulus package is to push money into the economy. Any kind of spending which pays salaries, saves jobs, or creates jobs, will tend to serve this purpose.

Anyway, Mallard's timing once again could not be better, since his Republican overlords in Big Business, specifically AIG, proved once again today why this reflexive notion that Government is automatically more less wasteful than private spending is utter horse crap.

Monday, March 16, 2009

That damned Limbaugh

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Rush Limbaugh.

Poor wittle Wepubwican. Gets vewy vewy angwy when mean old Democwats fight back. Poor baby.

And I do mean it when I say baby.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

That damned Spring

What's Mallard raving about today?

Spring, Climate Change.

The overwhelming scientific consensus that climate change is occurring can't possibly compare to this overwhelming straw man argument.

Ergo, climate change is not occurring.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Those damned forms

What's Mallard raving about today?

V.A. Hospitals.

Mallard hates the V.A. Big surprise. I refer you to yesterday's comments, which cover today as well.

Friday, March 13, 2009

That damned V.A.

What's Mallard raving about today?

V.A. Hospitals.

Free market competition is the answer, right? So why is your Dad partaking of a socialist system rather than using his own money to buy the best health care affordable?

Thursday, March 12, 2009

That damned speech balloon

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama.

Allow me to break this down:
  1. President Obama says something (Straw Man argument, but let that go for now)
  2. President Obama stands still.
  3. President Obama walks somewhere.
  4. President Obama grabs the speech bubble from the first panel.
Can anyone here spot the flaw? Because Mallard missed it. And so did his editors...oh, wait, what am I saying?

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

That damned Uncle Sam

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama.

All I can say is that if we pull out of this recession in 1-2 years, I hope Mallard ascribes credit to President Obama commensurate with the aspersions he's casting less than 2 months after he took office.

All of which is to say, constant complaining without any alternate suggestions is as useful as...well, it's simply not useful at all.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

That damned left hand

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Stimulus Package

What is the right hand busy doing?

Never mind, I don't want to know.

Sunday, March 08, 2009

That damned fear

What's Mallard raving about today?

Fear. President Obama.

Oh. My. God.

Eight years of President Bush & Vice President Cheney without a peep about fear-mongering.

Less than 2 months into President Obama's term, with two wars and a global Recession of massive proportion, both of which were inherited from President Bush, and now Mallard goes to the "fear itself" gag?

What color is the sky where you live, Mallard?

Those damned superstores

What's Mallard raving about today?

Superstore employees.

Why does Mallard hate the free market, and the superstores it created, so much?

Saturday, March 07, 2009

That damned Era

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, The Stimulus Package.

Yep, it would be really wasteful to, you know, help the economy recover and all that.

Friday, March 06, 2009

That damned money

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Bush, Democrats.

We have some pretty definitive proof that President Bush had no idea what he was doing, in the form of his results.

I know it's a lot to ask when you want the President to fail, but I think it's reasonable to wait to see the results before passing judgment.

Of course, that's a rational approach. Which is completely antithetical to the Republican Party.

Thursday, March 05, 2009

That damned eMail

What's Mallard raving about today?

Federal Employees, Conservative Journalists.

I know. Those Liberal journalists at Fox, The Wall Street Journal, and the Washington Times just piss me off so much!

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Those damned Fat Cats

What's Mallard raving about today?


I've no idea what this means, other than to express Mallard's disdain for Congress, a fact which is already abundantly in evidence.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

That damned future

What's Mallard raving about today?

Stimulus, The Media.

Yeah, right.

I am not going to be lectured to by those who mortgaged their credibility on the deficit by cheer-leading as the Bush Administration run up the deficit in unprecedented fashion.

Monday, March 02, 2009

That damned word

What's Mallard raving about today?

Government, Stimulus.

I don't actually understand what this is supposed to mean. I also don't know what organization Mallard believe is large enough to start a recovery.

I do know that I never want to see the word stimulated, or any of its variations, appear in Mallard Fillmore again. OK?

Sunday, March 01, 2009

Golden Ellipses: Limbaugh Award for Best Regurgitation of Talking Points

And the winner is...

ACORN! Scary!

The nominees for the Limbaugh Award for Best Regurgitation of Talking Points are...
  • Nomination Fight!- Man, the Democratic Convention is going to be a total bloodbath and the Democrats will come out of it so bloodied that there is no way they could win the White House.
  • Coffee as Litmus Test - Because you can't find a single Starbucks in Red States. Nope, no sir.
  • Racism and Sexism, Oh, My! - Don't bother trying to find an instance where the candidates made these claims. I am telling you it's true.
  • ACORN! Scary! - ACORN is stealing the election! Be afraid because I said so! I don't understand, why aren't you afraid? This worked in 2004, what's going on?
  • Socialist! - Barack Obama is a Socialist. I'm saying it loud and often, do you need more proof than that?

That damned HDTV

What's Mallard raving about today?


Apparently, while everyone else in America is cutting back on expenses and fearing for their jobs, Mallard is finally moving to HDTV.

Make of that what you will.