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Tuesday, July 01, 2014

July 2014

What's Mallard raving about this Month?

Read and Comment!

67 comments:

Kip W [Muffaroo] said...

Growing weary, perhaps, of having a drawing of X saying to us, "I am X and I do Z!" while staring directly out, Tinsley is now shaking the game up by having a drawing of X thinking to us, "I am X and I do Z!" while staring directly out.

Whoa. Just whoa.

Dave Cage Bruce Tinsley Forever said...

Tinsley shits his pants to draw attention to himself, and the sad thing is, by his standards that is a mature and intelligent way to debate.

He loves babies because he likes having creatures dumber than him around, and any human over the age of 4 is too smart.

David Cage Bruce Tinsley Forever said...

I admit that I am way behind, but the last time I tried to read this comic regularly, I woke up with half my brain lying in the street, covered in my urine and someone else's blood.

June 1: This is an actual joke and sort of funny. Maybe Tinsley will not be so bad this month.

June 4: Fucking Hell, I was so horribly wrong. Camels are mindless animals: they do not care if you hate them as long as you feed them. Foreigners are humans with abstract thought and emotions, thus your transcendent racism offends them, even though you think they are worse than camels.

June 5: Tinsley: Taking false equivalency, dehumanization, White supremacy, and the desire to keep all foreigners out of the country and somehow making them even more racist.

June 6: Tinsley is thanking the Nazis. No one who wrote the last comic, or was planning the comics that would run from the 13th through today could possibly be anti-Nazi. Tinsley has only enjoyed two days after D-Day: August 6 and 9, 1945.

June 7: Tinsley thinks liberals and culturally-sensitive guys are the real hypocrites and racists. What more do I need to say? Bear in mind that this cartoon is going to get much worse within a couple of weeks.

June 8: Most of the presidents took office when more than 50 years old, and lifespans and quality of life have increased significantly during American history.

June 13: Tinsley thinks of Black guys as gangsters and idiots, but he would never use racial slurs against them, right?

June 14: I thought Tinsley hated the Veterans' Administration, but a literal reading of this comic would suggest he thinks veterans have much longer lives thanks to that organization.

June 16: Tinsley has hated the smart and educated ever since he failed out of Kindergarten.

June 17: Tinsley, you write literally the most hateful work; you never produce anything of substance; and you never consider the other side; therefore, you have no right to complain about anyone making bigoted statements. Thanks for learning how to spell bigot, though.

June 18: This is Tinsley making excuses for using the word "nigger" constantly, that is the only logical explanation. Now that I look at it again, I realize he is mocking anyone who complains.

June 19: Oh dear God, I thought the last comic was racist and horribly-written, but this is a thousand time worse. This is like a chapter from Mein Kampf rewritten by Chris Muir.

June 23 to 25, more or less: Implicitly comparing vicious dogs to immigrants, foreigners, the poor, basically everyone he hates.

Yesterday: Tinsley hates technology and considers anything preferable to it.

Confirmation Words: Lysespa tunic, mantel of the Goddess of evil, hate and stupidity, proudly won by Tinsley.

Frank Stone said...

Re July 3: And I'm beginning to suspect that Bruce is even worse at handling "cute and harmless" subject matter than he is at handling "serious, real-life" subject matter.

Kip W [Muffaroo] said...

The important thing is that it tells us who it is and what it is doing in a thought balloon (so that there is no need to force the drawings to carry any action), and staring straight at us (because this is the expression Tinsley has mastered, and he's not about to learn a new one).

CW in LA said...

Yep, the baby's eyebrows are arranged in the exact same pattern in which Mallard's are frozen.

What sucks worse than "Marvin"? "Marvin" as rendered by Brews Tinshley.

Kip W [Muffaroo] said...

7/4: Oh, HE REMEMBERED
.
.
.
to boost the Tea Party.

David Cage Bruce Tinsley Forever said...

Yes, the establishment shakes--in fear at the anarchic yet dictatorial system that the Tea Baggers want.

Their desire to get rid of government regulations and taxes is reminiscent of Communism though, which is ironic because Tinsley is a Nazi.

Frank Stone said...

Re July 4: I hate to break it to you, Mallard (well, OK, not really), but there is no Tea Party. What's been labeled the "Tea Party" movement is nothing more or less than the bigoted, reactionary, racist, authoritarian, fascistic Republican base as it has always been; the only reason it seems different is because it has become so crazed with rage and hatred that it's no longer able to maintain its former veneer of reasonableness and respectability.

Oh -- and despite the obnoxious, pseudo-patriotic posturing Hobby Lobby once again displayed in today's newspapers, the United States is not a "Christian Nation". Deal with it.

Happy Fourth, everybody!

David Cage Bruce Tinsley Forever said...

Tinsley now admits that he wants to our early agricultural days, circa 7,000 B.C. Hopefully, he will soon devolve and live in the trees like very early proto humans, and ideally the leaves will cover his face and muffle his voice.

David Cage Bruce Tinsley Forever said...

What Tinsley has thought:

FuryOfFirestorm said...

*groan*

Last week he beat a "joke" about Chihuahuas (and thinly veiled rant about illegal immigrants) into the ground, and now he's moved on to flogging jokes about babies within an inch of it's life.

I can't wait until next week, when Brews does a scathing takedown of TV commercials or fast food.

Kip W [Muffaroo] said...

7/6: Tinsley really shows his versatility today with those eyes. Did you notice how they stopped looking directly at us for two whole panels? I'm still trembling.

Frank Stone said...

Re July 6: "Promote understanding of diverse cultures". Oh, is that what he's been doing? Could've fooled me -- especially since Mallard/Bruce has always made it pretty clear that he thinks the only thing we need to understand about diverse cultures is that they deserve nothing but contempt and ridicule because they're not AMURRICAN culture!

CW in LA said...

7/7 - "HAW HAW HAW, Lookit Obummer, knowing the logical causes of things!!1!" Man, Brews sure addressed THAT hot-button issue, didn't he.

Kip W [Muffaroo] said...

7/7: The giant-headed baby looks a little different today. Is it the way it's staring directly at us? Oh, wait. It's grey now, isn't it? I"m not going back to check.

Kip W [Muffaroo] said...

7/8: Damn it, I just know there's some scandal around the house somewhere! Maybe in these empty bottles that I already checked? I'll go through all the cupboards again, and if there's nothing this time, I'll really get mad and tear up the whole kitchen! That'll show 'em.

Kip W [Muffaroo] said...

7/9: The cartoon isn't showing, and I can't tell from the commenters what it might have been about — each is already off on his own hobby horse, bellowing about the same thing he'd be bellowing about whether the cartoon was about twerking, climateghazi, or the knockout game. They should make them spell a word before they can comment, then there'd only be six or eight a day, mostly from liberal trolls.

CW in LA said...

Oh, Brews is still trying to convince us the IRS thing is a thing. And, to be fair, it's as much a thing now as it ever was.

David Cage Bruce Tinsley Forever said...

I saw the comic, and it was some stupid, inane bullshit about the I.R.S. I have a question: Why does Tinsley hate taxes so much? He hates everything, so he has nothing on which to spend his money, and he wants to have everyone in the world shot by the army. I only like one thing about Tinsley: He takes no pleasure from anything, so even if he keeps all of his money, he will have nothing to enjoy but staring at the wall and imagining his next piece of hate speech.

Toots McGee said...

Reading this sweet takedown of yet another wingnut anti-soccer piece*, I can't help but think that Bruce is poised to squeeze out a well-timed turd of his own on the matter.

Maybe he'll do something where li'l Rush is forced to play soccer by some strawman liberal authority figure. Bruce probably needs the requisite amount of research time to draw a soccer ball.

*It is always projection.

Kip W [Muffaroo] said...

7/10: A name for Harley-Davidson's upcoming electric motorcycle? Electro Glide. I'll accept $20M in cash, thanks.

Kip W [Muffaroo] said...

(No doubt it will come with an option that generates horrific loud engine noises, or else moto-douches won't go for it.)

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Bill the Splut said...

Somebody tell Tinny that gas-engined motorcycles get better mileage than cars, and he'll call those Satanic, too. Then doodle on a cocktail napkin a blank-eyed staring duck that says everyone should drive cement trucks, because saving money is for chumps who work for a living.

Anonymous said...

CW in LA said...
"Oh, Brews is still trying to convince us the IRS thing is a thing. And, to be fair, it's as much a thing now as it ever was."

2:21 PM

It takes a truly pathetic creature to mutter something as insane as the above. This person obviously needs help which I am quite sure modern medicine can do nothing about.

David Cage Bruce Tinsley Forever said...

Tinsley is complaining about new technology,m so it sounds like the universe is fine. Then again, he now knows about technology from the A.D.s and he has not used any racial or homophobic slurs to express his opinion, so maybe things are out of whack.

Kip W [Muffaroo] said...

I'll repeat here my plea from the comic site: Conservatives, don't 'stick it' to us liberals by installing 'Brewing Coal' coffeemakers in your homes. You may enjoy the sight of our discomfort at the thick black smoke rising from the twin pipes, but take it from this humorless lib, the health risks are just too great.

I just hope they take my words in the spirit in which they are offered. It's a serious matter. Very serious. Matter.

Frank Stone said...

Re July 11: Mallard continues to express his terror at the impending obsolescence of outmoded, wasteful, toxic energy technology. If only someone could invent a gasoline-powered time machine so he could use it to send himself back to the early 1900s, where he wishes he could live.

David Cage Bruce Tinsley Forever said...

Tinsley, please install coal-burning equipment inside your home. I bet you will lose as little energy as possible if you install lead plates inside your walls, and you can distract from the acrid smoke with the fresh smell and taste of cigarette smoke. I know you love cigarettes, since you devoted a few comics to singing their praises. Also, any electrical appliances you own should be attached to as few outlets as possible, and circuit breakers are unnecessary. Save money on those electrical bills by removing the smoke and Radon detectors from your home, and make the most of your time by making toast and listening to the radio while taking a bath. You can ensure your floors get clean by combing Bleach and Ammonia, and keep your bathtub clean by having a slippery rug in it. Always microwave food in the metallic and plastic packaging, never lock your gun cabinet, and keep wild animals as pets.

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Kip W [Muffaroo] said...

7/12: "If we can't say Redskins any more, then you shouldn't be able to say Coca-Cola! It's only fair! You libs are all about being fair, right? If you won't go along with this, then you're all hypocrites! I've trapped you in my inexorable web of logic!"

Kip W [Muffaroo] said...

7/13: Commenters at MF think that someone who spends 60 seconds commenting there each day has "nothing else to do all day." Surprisingly, they do understand that a grownup who says "got your nose!" doesn't actually have the nose.

Kip W [Muffaroo] said...

7/14: Goddam lawyers, always defending people & stuff. Why can't they just put people in jail, like the Founding Lawyers wanted?

FuryOfFirestorm said...

@July 14th: YAY! Out-of-context quote Jeopardy! The favorite game of the GOP!

At least he's moved on from the constant stream of stupid, unfunny jokes about babies. Now it's back to the constant stream of stupid, unfunny jokes about Obama and Hillary.

FuryOfFirestorm said...

Since it's been exactly one year since George Zimmerman got off for murdering an unarmed teenager, I was expecting Brews to don his White Knight armor again and post a comic coming to Princess Zimmy's defense.

Then again, Brew's jaw must have got tired from constantly sucking George's dick, and doesn't want to risk getting lockjaw again.

Frank Stone said...

Re July 14: The only thing more pathetic than trying to smear a potential candidate by digging up a 39-year-old non-story is trying to jump on that bandwagon after it's already left town.

Bruce Timely strikes again!

Kip W [Muffaroo] said...

7/15: Once again, Bruce's fans (who get up in your face for mentioning things that happened in the last administration) are enthusiastically fucking the dead horse of something that happened four decades back.

Frank Stone said...

Re July 15: The only thing more pathetic than beating a dead horse is trying to beat a dead horse after it's already been buried.

Bruce Timely strikes again!

Up next, let's look at Mallard's coverage of George W. Bush laughing about the failure to find the WMD that he swore up and down were in Iraq... after the war he started under that pretext had claimed the lives of hundreds of American soldiers and thousands of Iraqi civilians.





Wanna see it again?

Bill the Splut said...

BRUCE: "Oh boy! Here's a chance to draw ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! And I never pass up that!
"And now--WHERE'S MY MONEY, MOONIES?!"

Bill the Splut said...

Eventually the strip will devolve into "Mallard the Invisible Duck," 3 otherwise blank panels of just speech balloons, saying the same thing:

Mallard:
"Did you hear what they said...."

"....on Fox News 3 weeks ago?...."

"....it made me mad."

CW in LA said...

Three weeks ago Brews noticed that Ann Coulter got people to pay attention to her by trolling the World Cup. Even his hackery is unoriginal and derivative.

Kip W [Muffaroo] said...

7/16: Soccer's so boring! A ninety-minute game only has about eight times as much action (88 minutes) as a four-hour football game (11 minutes). And what's with all the foreigners, huh?

Kip W [Muffaroo] said...

7/17: Random Word Association Day!

Kip W [Muffaroo] said...

7/18: Here is Who I Am, and This is What I Think, and I'm Staring Straight at You, Day 9999.

Toots McGee said...

According to some Comics Kingdom Disqus-ionaires, today's baby is thinking about how Barack Obama is responsible for a commercial airliner being shot down in the Ukraine. A perceptive lot, they are!

A random thought: What is the proper age to have your infant fitted with a tin foil hat?

FuryOfFirestorm said...

And we're back to the tired baby "jokes".

At least when Doonesbury does filler strips, Trudeau puts some damn effort into them.

Kip W [Muffaroo] said...

7/19: No, wait a minute, folks! This is exciting! In an utterly unprecedented move, Tinsley has doubled back to the Electric Harley, perhaps thinking — like an alcoholic or an oil executive — that there is still a drop to be found and squeezed out for just one more kick. In a daring switch, today's jeu d'esprit is in the form of a one-sided phone conversation!

I must go lie down.

CW in LA said...

"Hur hur hur, 'lectric Harleys r STOOPIT!!1!"

Way to address those hot-button issues, Brews.

Kip W [Muffaroo] said...

7/20: Today, Mallard found a cause we can all believe in: mocking the incorrect use of apostrophes and quotation marks. For the trifecta, he could throw in people who capitalize things all the time.

Of course, he's using the four-dot ellipse all over the place. Once you start drawing those dots, it must be pretty hard to stop.

Bill the Splut said...

7/20: To combat "apostrophe abuse" (yeah, whatever) Mallard uses three sentences with one period, one exclamation point, and 14 back-to-back ellipses. The public schools owe you nothing, Bruce, as obviously you never took anything from them.

Frank Stone said...

Re July 20: Oh, look -- Mallard is having another one of his "public speaking engagement" hallucinations. What he doesn't realize is that the microphone is actually a rat that's sitting on his kitchen table wondering (much like the rest of us) what the hell this crazy duck is going on about.

Kip W [Muffaroo] said...

7/21: It's too bad we don't have some kind of pool going here. I had a strong hunch we'd be seeing Teddy Kennedy today, and there he is in the comments.

Being a conservative is a lifelong game of Chappaquidditch.

Kip W [Muffaroo] said...

7/22: DAMN! Chappaquiddick again, in a comment on a comic about "Saved by the Bell." Why didn't I double down?

Bill the Splut said...

Bruce, I know! What kind of pathetic loser would even be aware of the existence of some "behind-the-scenes Saved by the Bell" movie?! I sure wasn't!

Until you brought it up, Bruce. How did you find out? You seem kinda old to have ever watched that. Were you doing "research" on "pop tarts"?

Frank Stone said...

Re July 22: Right premise, Mallard, wrong president; the one you're looking for was in office just before Obama, which makes this strip about 7 years late. Of course, since you're one of those people for whom history began on January 20, 2009, this isn't really surprising.

(And Bill, I was wondering the same thing.)

David Cage Bruce Tinsley Forever said...

Putin may have just restarted the Cold War by shooting down an airplane, but Tinsley approves of the chance to shoot foreigners, torture prisoners and drop nuke. He feels obligated to complain about something, though, so he talks about some stupid movie about some stupid children's show from 20 years ago. Nobody who has more to do with his life than read tabloids and make enemies lists of celebrities knows or cares about the movie.

Kip W [Muffaroo] said...

7/23: Ha! I'm back on top again. Increased all my bets on Chappaquiddick in the comments and cleaned up. Shine my shoes, pal!

CW in LA said...

Brews himself used to bring up Chappaquiddick a lot before his own legal oopsies a few years ago. When I can bring myself to look at the strip's comments I notice his apologists really don't like it when anyone mentions those, even though, as you point out, they're perfectly happy to continue regarding Chappaquiddick itself as relevant.

But then, self-awareness is another one of those things that crowds is just not good at, isn't it?

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CW in LA said...

Dear Mr. Mouse,

Please send your message directly to Mr. Tinshley; I don't expect he'll see it here.

Anonymous said...

I though that Mallard''s head would explode when Cantor was beat in the primary last month, by a college professor having tea party support.
Perhaps it did, as this past month has been particularly insipid, even my MF standards.

Frank Stone said...

Re July 30: OK -- I have no idea what Mallard's particular bete noire is in this installment. Trashy best-sellers by big-name authors? Literary classics by big-name authors? People who read books by big-name authors? People who read at all? People who pretend that they read in order to seem smarter?

Chalk this one up as another instance of Bruce assuming that the audience is going to get his in-joke despite having no frame of reference.

Oh, and by the way, Mallard: If you're going to try to pick up women in bars (bestiality!!), you might try ordering something more sophisticated-looking than a cup of tea or whatever the hell that is you've got there. Christina Hendricks says women like it when men order scotch. Give it a try. It's not like your chances could get any worse.

Bill the Splut said...

I think Dullard's moving from "Fox talking points already past their sell-by dates" to "OH GOD if Doonesbury's gone into reruns, no paper has a reason to keep paying for my lamprey of a strip! Let me try to be an apolitical gag-a-day strip, that's the meal ticket!" Which is now being followed by a horrified "OH GOD that means I have to make actual jokes! How do you do that?! All humor comes from spite and 'punching down', right?!"

Frank Stone said...

Re July 31: Wow -- such a smorgasbord of stupid today.

"Then they now say"? I guess since he can no longer get his rocks off on reports of terrorism suspects being tortured, Bruce has to content himself with torturing the English language.

"Hat trick"? What? What does... I don't... what??

Yikes! The edge of the newspaper is precisely in line with the edge of Mallard's head, with the effect that half his bill seems to have been sliced off. That's what the artistic types call a "huge-ass tangent" -- not that I would expect Bruce to know that, since it has to do with drawing.

"Hur-hur! Stoopid libruls are so stoopid an' dumb an' stoopid! Hur-hur!" Golly -- never seen that "joke" before. Woooo...

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