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Sunday, April 28, 2013

Week of April 28, 2013

What's Mallard raving about this Week?

Read and Comment!

26 comments:

Randy Winn said...

Tinsley's commemoration of the Sandy Hook massacre: if only those children had had guns!

Randy Winn said...

Meanwhile: States with the highest rate of deaths due to injury by firearms
AZ NM TX LA MS AL FL GA SC TN KY WV IN MO KS CO UT WY ID MT

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/wonkblog/wp/2012/12/14/nine-facts-about-guns-and-mass-shootings-in-the-united-states/

Anybody see a pattern?

Bill the Splut said...

"Fish are stoopid because they don't kill each other with guns! Just teeth!"

Bruce, when the bottle's empty, do you just beat yourself over the head with it until insane garbage like this starts to seem like it makes sense?

Also, the "The only way to stop gun violence is with more guns!" argument--is there an example of this happening, even once? If there was, I'm sure the NRA would be trumpeting it every minute, even if it happened once 50 years ago. I've heard coworkers talking about how they would've stopped the Aurora maniac if they'd had a gun! Yeah, darkened movie theater full of tear gas and a guy in full body armor, you'd get him with a head shot. No, you'd be dead as soon as he saw you struggling to get your Magic Glock of Righteous Vengeance out of your pants. Life is not a Bruce Willis movie. And it sure ain't one starring Bruce Tinsley.

CW in LA said...

Today's outing reminds me of an old poster with progressively larger devouring fish, only finally there's a very large group of tiny fish pursuing the giant fish, with the caption "ORGANIZE!"

But of course, that smacks of unions, or worse, the most vile, most monstrous creature known to Homo Teabaggicus, the Community Organizer.

No, no, better we should be a completely atomized anti-society, where everyone relies on their Randian Übermenschheit and their personal arsenal to survive and bend the world to his will.

Never mind that, in such a world, to take a couple of completely random examples, a lazy drunk, or a dumb, loud, fat, old, selfish white guy, would survive only as long as he could avoid calling any attention to himself.

Neo Tuxedo said...

CW skrev:

Never mind that, in such a world, to take a couple of completely random examples, a lazy drunk, or a dumb, loud, fat, old, selfish white guy, would survive only as long as he could avoid calling any attention to himself.

Or, as my good friend John Scalzi once put it:

I really don’t know what you do about the "taxes are theft" crowd, except possibly enter a gambling pool regarding just how long after their no-tax utopia comes true [it takes for] their generally white, generally entitled, generally soft and pudgy asses [to be] turned into thin strips of Objectivist Jerky by the sort of pitiless sociopath who is actually prepped and ready to live in the world that logically follows these people’s fondest desires. Sorry, guys. I know you all thought you were going to be one of those paying a nickel for your cigarettes in Galt Gulch. That’ll be a fine last thought for you as the starving remnants of the society of takers closes in with their flensing tools.

Neo Tuxedo said...

I DON'T CARE IF MONDAY'S BLACK

Would anyone with a stronger stomach than mine care to visit the Duck's official cast page and find out if Purge has been added to it?

Bill the Splut said...

That can't be Purge Daly, because she always says "I'm supermodel Purge Daly" because Bruce is still patting himself on the back for that lame pun.

Here's another one! "I'm cartoonist Al Koholik!" You can have that one for free, Mallard.

Frank Stone said...

"etc., etc., etc." = "I wish there were more, but I can't think of any and I'm too lazy to look it up."

"Only in America could I one day grow up to be a big enough wingnut welfare queen...

... to get paid good money every week and never be fired no matter what a shitty job I do!"

Bill the Splut said...

@Frank Stone:

I'm disgusted by your inaccurate remarks portraying Bruce as a "welfare queen..."!
Everyone knows that an ellipsis has four dots!

Neo Tuxedo said...

TUESDAY ALWAYS BREAKS MY BACK

Timmy from my fourth grade class told me that if you lick a unicorn, you can see through time.

Frank Stone said...

In academic news... it's hard to believe it's already that time of year....

... when Mallard Fillmore pretends that he doesn't hate higher education as much as every other kind of education....

... and that he actually cares about the plight of Asian-American students, thus proving that he's totally not a racist....

Bill the Splut said...

WORSEDAY:

AH HA HA HA NO ONE HAS EVER DONE THIS JOKE BEFORE! It's usually done as "Fries with that." And what possible advantage could speaking more than one language give you? "THIS B AMERICA U SPEAK ENGLITCH! I suppose in your foreign tongue, an ellipsis haves three dots, COMMIE."

Hey, Bruce, what was your degree? Surely not Liberal Arts, as you aren't a liberal. And you can't make art worth shit! Was there a community college corporate cocksucker degree?

Hey, wait--wasn't college education a sacred right to you just yesterday?

Neo Tuxedo said...

WEDNESDAY...

"There was only one explanation for this atmosphere that he was willing to believe: that these people were civilized, and that for amusement they were acting out a parody of the squalor of high school life, which parody Casimir had been too slow to get so far. The obvious explanation -- that it was really this way -- was so horrible that it had not even entered his mind."
-- Neal Stephenson, The Big U (1983)

Kip W [Muffaroo] said...

Tinsley's still settling scores from his school days. Take that, guy who got laid a couple times!

Frank Stone said...

First he bemoans the inability of qualified Asian-American students to obtain admittance to ivy league universities, and thereby receive college degrees; now he's denigrating people who obtain college degrees from liberal arts colleges.

Either Bruce is an elitist snob or he's living proof that being a conservative is the cure for cognitive dissonance. Oh -- or maybe he's just spent so many years stewing in his own bitterness and hate that he can't keep it all straight anymore, and he doesn't care because he knows he'll get his wingnut welfare check no matter what.

Neo Tuxedo said...

...THURSDAY HEART ATTACK

Man, I wish I'd known this was coming. I would've waited until today to use the Scalzi quote.

Randy Winn said...

"same tax marriage penalty" makes sense only if you're drunk.

"same marriage tax penalty" is how sober people say it.

But stealing jokes from Marriage Equality people is at least an improvement!

CW in LA said...

"Taxes suck" joke right on schedule (3 weeks after April 15).

Neo Tuxedo said...

IT'S FRIDAY, I'M IN LOVE

"There I was, making light conversation and sipping a dry white wine, when, all of a sudden, I heard those four fateful words: 'Hi, I'm Joel Stein,'" a visibly shaken Conlon said following the 45-minute ordeal.

Randy Winn said...

I was gonna call today's "comic" something like "Life is so awful Number Infinity In A Series" ...

... but @Neo Tuxedo linked to an actual piece of humor. Maybe that's how Mallard Fillmore works: post garbage, attract links to more talented people?

CW in LA said...

Brews goes to parties? He strikes me more as a sitting alone in front of the TV without pants and drinking kind of guy.

Or is that what he does at parties, too?

Frank Stone said...

That guy. At the party. Um. Yeah. OK. Sure.

Meanwhile, this week's "Doonesbury" is genuinely "funny because it's true". Disturbingly, nauseatingly true.

Kip W [Muffaroo] said...

"Oh, I'm sorry; did I assassinate your penguin?"

Neo Tuxedo said...

SATURDAY WAITS

Lately, I've been viewing Daniel Amen's Change Your Brain, Change Your Body, and I can't help wondering what a brain scan like the ones the Amen Clinic uses would show for Brucie.

CW in LA said...

Cartoonist who can't ever lose his gig no matter how half-assed and all-around shitty his alleged "work" is calls out schools for their lack of standards.

This is actually pretty funny.

Frank Stone said...

You know who else doesn't make "value judgments"? The person who signs Bruce Tinsley's paychecks.