Those damned odes

What's Mallard raving about today?

Fruitcakes.

Sweet Lord, this is going to be a painful week. I mean, I always thought I'd be happy if Mallard went totally bat-shit insane...

Of course we could read this as being an admission that prejudice against homosexuals is one of the last bastions of socially-acceptable prejudice. That's fairly unlikely, but I imagine the rest of the week will be less painful if we all just mentally substitute the metaphoric meaning of fruitcake for the literal meaning whenever Mallard uses it.

Those damned true confessions

What's Mallard raving about today?

Himself, fruitcake.

I think I finally understand what's going on in Mallard recently. He suffered some sort of dissociative break during the run-up to the Midterms as a defense mechanism against living through the agony of seeing the Republicans lose an election. As a result we're going to be subjected to a multiple-part storyline about his love of fruitcake.

It's also possible this is code and Mallard is coming out of the closet this week.

Those damned reanimated corpses

What's Mallard raving about today?

Nothing...I'm serious.

Unless I am mistaken, Mallard just made an honest-to-God joke, with an honest-to-God punchline, with no political content whatsoever. This development may be more dangerous for the future of Planet Earth than Mallard showing a meteor strike, since I believe it is one of the signs of the Apocalypse.

To make matters even freakier for me, I have to admit I was making similar jokes about Keith Richards earlier this week (when The Rolling Stones played in my city), so I'm living in a glass house on this one.

Those damned naked Senators

What's Mallard raving about today?

Fatty foods, giant meteors, Senator Clinton.

Mallard is being disingenuous. His "prediction" was actually asterisked as being based on PBS.org. So, his claim that his power to turn preposterous suggestions into fact is, in fact, a preposterous suggestion based on fiction.

And, to be utterly frank, I'd rather see Senator Clinton naked for the rest of her term than see Senator Hastert in a towel coming out of the Senatorial sauna once.

Those damned married people

What's Mallard raving about today?

Married people, minorities.

I'm reasonably sure that Mallard intended to insult political correctness with this particular effort. In the end, however, he ends up insulting either married people (for wanting to be called "people of marriage") or the entire minority population of America (by extension). This cavalier insult of every minority group on the planet may explain why, for example, only approximately 30% of Hispanics voted Republican in the 2006 elections.

That damned Harvard

What's Mallard raving about today?

Married people, minorities, Harvard.

So, apparently, Mallard is just going to run this premise through every one of his standard gripes. Today he goes after eductational standards. It is a mystery why he thinks anyone will find this remotely interesting in the days after the election, whose outcome he did not know but could assume would have been major news, no matter which way it went.

Those damned liberals

What's Mallard raving about today?

Married people, minorities, liberals.

To summarize...Mallard has run across a statistic somewhere that says that married people are now a minority in the USA. He devotes two days (so far) to using this information to attack liberals, not for anything to do with marriage, but for their support of minorities.

Is it just me, or is he really grasping at straws?

Those damned married people

What's Mallard raving about today?

Married people, minority status, stand-up comedy.

Election, what election? While I sympathize with Mallard's deadlines and his inability to predict the future, I simply cannot comment on something this boring and irrelevant today, of all days.

Those damned stupid voters

What's Mallard raving about today?

Stupid voters.

Let me try saying the exact opposite of what Mallard is saying, by way of expressing my own sentiments: No matter who you vote for, remember to vote today.

Those damned voters

What's Mallard raving about today?

Voters.

Yeah, you stupid voters. Stay home. Leave voting to the professionals. And by "professionals" we mean only those people Mallard thinks deserve to vote. Come to think of it, we could make this simpler and less expensive if we just made Mallard the Decider and let him Decide the outcome of the election.

Apparently this is what our Democracy has been reduced to...

Those damned bananas

What's Mallard raving about today?

Bananas, handguns, liberals, the mainstream media.

Wow, a total grab bag of rants today. And, as is often the case, without any sort of punchline and all in service of a strawman. In this case, the strawman purports that all liberals believe handguns will never prevent violent assaults. Which is a fairly unlikely supposition on which to base anything.

Regarding Mallard's aggrievement against his editors, and without subjecting myself to the agony of reading back panels of Mallard to find out what previous depictions he is referring to, I'm willing to bet that the issue was context. Because it's hard to credibly suggest that newspaper editors won't allow depictions of guns in comic strips.

That damned giddiness

What's Mallard raving about today?

Midterm elections, the Media, the Democrats.

Mallard seems to be confusing the media with its delivery mechanism. The giddily boinging TV, Mallard, is just the medium through which the media is transmitted. It has no actual emotions. The crazy, smiling, unidentifiable caricature on the TV, on the other hand...

I don't envy Mallard the task of trying to appear aware of what's happening in an election taking place weeks after he's penned the strips. The next few days should be interesting to watch.

That damned grade inflation

What's Mallard raving about today?

USA Today, College, Grade Inflation, Remedial Classes, Dumbing-down Curricula.

Oh, for God's sake, Mallard must've been rejected at whatever college he wanted to attend to have this much pent-up hostility towards the general concept of college.

Anyway, someone wake me up when Mallard finishes carping about this subject.

Those damned colleges

What's Mallard raving about today?

The higher-education establishment, calling something progressive.

OK, I'm lazy and I am not going to look for a three week old USA Today story to figure out what the hell Mallard is talking about. I assume the problem is that students are ill-prepared for college by their high schools. In which case, shouldn't the blame lie with high schools?

And, something appearing in USA Today is not an indication of anything other than the fact that words can be used to describe it.

Those damned liberals

What's Mallard raving about today?

Liberals, fat detainees.

In fact, I made that exact "accusation" yesterday. Now, clearly I was joking, but given today's flap over John Kerry's remarks, I'm sure Mallard would willfully misunderstand and accuse me of being a traitor.

Today's Freudian slip: using the word internment, thus conjuring up a comparison to the Japanese Internment in World War 2.