That damned Gitmo

What's Mallard raving about today?

Gitmo, obesity, American innovation.

Giving them coronary artery disease may also be the slowest-acting torture in recorded history.

I imagine Mallard believes this to be proof that everything is OK at Gitmo. As if enough food and so little exercise that you gain 20 pounds is enough to make up for the fact that you are being imprisoned without any legal recourse.

That damned Hallowe'en

What's Mallard raving about today?

Liberals.

Uh...Hallowe'en is tomorrow.

Those damned pigs

What's Mallard raving about today?

Fat cops, mandatory seat belts laws, his tax dollars.

Ahhh, a fat cop joke. I suppose I should admire his restraint for eschewing the donut shop reference. Tune in next week, as Mallard takes on airline food.

By the way Mallard, Mr. T.V. Policeperson is an actor, not a real policeperson. And talking to the T.V. is a sign of late-stage dementia. Please, take the medications like the doctor says, and stay on them.

Plus, "policeperson"? Awfully PC of Mallard, no?

Those damned fatty foods

What's Mallard raving about today?

Fatty foods, bans on same.

It's funny, in general I'd say I was with Mallard on this one in believing such bans may go too far, especially in these times where slippery slopes are proving very slippery, indeed. And then he compares it to mandatory seat belt laws, which have been very successful for very little cost in individual rights, and suddenly I'm wondering if maybe I should reconsider.

Those damned pie throwers

What's Mallard raving about today?

Liberals. Pie throwing.

I won't speak for all conservatives, but the fact that the actions of a few pie throwers is conflated to represent the attitude of every single liberal in the world explains why Mallard would be considered closed-minded.

And congratulations to the liberals = free-speech-enemies topic for its second appearance, making it equal in importance, in Mallard's mind, to the Mark Foley scandal.

Those damned Ivy Leaguers

What's Mallard raving about today?

Free speech, Ivy League colleges.

Yep, our government doesn't stifle dissent. For the last 6 years it just branded all dissenters as traitors. But feel free to dissent all you want...traitor.

On a slightly different note, this panel contains the least helpful footnote ever. As far as I can tell, the furor is over a Columbia hockey team flyer that was banned for saying "don't be a pussy." How we leapt from there to "this pies for you *@#ing right winger" is beyond me.

That damned Don King

What's Mallard raving about today?

Kim Jong Il, Don King.

Can I confess that I am less worried about Kim Jong Il's nuclear weapons than that lumpy forefinger of his? I'm sure that finger is the source of all his power...and evil.

That damned nuclear test

What's Mallard raving about today?

North Korea's nuclear test, Mark Foley.

I think it's worth at least 3 days of our time to discuss how North Korea, an Axis of Evil country, was permitted to develop nuclear capabilities as a result of the Bush Administration's inept foreign policy. But I'd rather just point out the single worst caricature of the world's most caraciture-ready leader. Although I like his devil-may-care, hand-in-pocket posture.

That damned...who?

What's Mallard raving about today?

Gerry Studds, the Democrats, the Media.

Damn, I was wrong. Mallad's not blaming the media for Mark Foley, he's blaming the media and the Democrats. Ignoring the obvious moral relativism of the defense, a couple points. First, if Wikipedia is to be believed, his relationship was with "a 17-year-old male congressional page who was of the age of legal consent. The relationship was consensual (which made it legal, in accordance with state law), although very unprofessional of a politician..." Second, no mention from Mallard of Republican Dan Crane, implicated in the same scandal as Studds. Third, with a name like Studds...

That damned Big Media

What's Mallard raving about today?

"Big Media" and its purported liberal bias, America's obseity issue.

Again, Mallard's pimping an obscure conservative Women's group, which is spreading like "wildfire" despite the fact that only "seven chapters, including one at the College of William & Mary, were formed during the 2005-06 academic year" (according to a Washington Times article linked from the group's own website).

Oh, and before I forget, I think it is the job of Little Media to report on stories you can't see anywhere else, not Big Media. Pretty much by definition, if a story appears in Big Media there's no reason to complain that you can't hear about it anywhere else.

Those damned future generations

What's Mallard raving about today?

The future.

Apparently nothing is galling him sufficiently, so now Mallard is just making up stuff to rave about. Yep, and in the future, sex between heterosexuals will be illegal in favor of state-enforced homosexuality. Christianity will be an underground religion, persecuted by thuggish Wiccans. And a turnip will be admitted to UC Berkeley.

My prediction: starting Monday, Mallard will beging blaming the media for reporting the Mark Foley story.

That damned publicist

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Clinton, Terrell Owens, Terrell Owens Publicist.

Well, at least yesterday's panel suddenly makes sone "sense" now that it is revealed that it was just a ham-handed prologue to today's "joke". Apparently Mallard wasn't sure people would understand that Terrell Owens is a media hound without a day of explanation.

In case you are still keeping score, the Republican pedophile cover-up story is considered merely 33% as significant as President Clinton and his outburst, only50% as important as Terrell Owens, and equal in importantance with Terrell Owen's publicist.

That damned Terrel Owens

What's Mallard raving about today?

Terrell Owens.

The point of today's panel escapes me. The irony of the fact that Mallard Fillmore, intrepid reporter, is reporting on Terrell Owen's breakfast choice as well as the fact that the media is "not reporting on it" does not escape me.

That damned liberal media

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Clinton, Fox News, the liberal media, Affirmative Action.

Based on the number of panels devoted to the two events, Mallard rates an outburst by a former President as being twice as significant as a Republican Congressman soliciting sex from underage Congressional Pages. A demonstration of family values, no doubt.

That damned bias

What's Mallard raving about today?

Fox News, President Clinton.

I have to assume that this is some sort of reference to President Clinton's angry reaction in his Fox News interview, though the reference is about as well-executed as the caricature of President Clinton. More interesting is that Mallard apparently thinks soliciting sex with minors is worth just one day's worth of commentary. It'll be interesting to see how many days he spends on President Clinton.

That damned Bill Clinton

What's Mallard raving about today?

Mark Foley, the Republican Congressional Page Sex Scandal, Bill Clinton.

Zing! See, Mark Foley's not so bad, because Bill Clinton had consensual sex with an adult Intern. Which is exactly the same as soliciting sex from underage Congressional Pages. But, no matter, because the Republicans decry moral relativism anyway.

This may be one of the few times when the half-life of a story exceeds Mallard's lead times.

Those damned poor people

What's Mallard raving about today?

The poor.

One one level, you almost want to root for today's Mallard because it shows compassion for the poor outside the US. Until you realize that he's making the point by taking a swipe at the poor inside the US, saying they are fat. As if that fact makes them a target of derision and, presumably, implies that they are getting fat by suckling on the Government's teat.

And then you find yourself wondering where the figure in the barren landscape is supposed to have gotten an English-language newspaper.

That damned Bella Abzug

What's Mallard raving about today?

Liberal parents, Bella Abzug.

Bella Abzug, eh? I think that blithe reference tells you everything you need to know about Mallard's perception of his own demographic.

Those damned women

What's Mallard raving about today?

Liberal parents, N.O.W., S.D.S.

We're back to the college-age conservative daughter plot line again? At least now it's clear that the entire thing was an excuse for Mallard to mention a conservative women's group he read about, probably in the Washington Times (NEW movement sweeps college campuses).

The Times has a lower threshold for the definition of "sweeps" than most:

Karin Agness founded the Network of Enlightened Women (NEW) in September 2004...Seven chapters, including one at the College of William & Mary, were formed during the 2005-06 academic year.

Those damned Muslims

What's Mallard raving about today?

Muslims. All Muslims. No exceptions granted.

Sometimes you just have to appreciate Mallard.

In yesterday's panel he was up in arms about people being squeamish about the use of the term "Islamo-facist." I struggled with what to write yesterday because I see it as a nuanced question (despite the fact that Mallard sees no such nuance). Plus, I was not sure how to make the point and keep the blog from becoming a political commentary, so I just kind of dodged the larger question.

What I wanted to write was that I have no qualms about invective directed towards would-be terrorists. On the other hand, I understand the objection to the broad use of the term, which sweeps up billions of Muslims and lumps them together with violent radicals.

Today, Mallard makes the point better than I ever could by offering no dainty distinctions and just insulting every single Muslim in the world. Thanks, Mallard!

Those damned strawmen

What's Mallard raving about today?

Lots of prominent Democrats, terrorist's feelings.

A+ for the use of empty rhetorical tricks by combining the strawman (lots of democrats) with a useful distortion (offending terrorists). I know of exactly one democrat (Russ Feingold) who objected, saying "We must avoid using misleading and offensive terms that link Islam with those who subvert this great religion or who distort its teachings to justify terrorist activities." Feel free to disagree, but try to do so honestly.

Oh, and the punchline, such as it is, simply doesn't work. I assume Mallard was trying to reference the use of the term "facist" and not "islamo-facist" but he gets so lost in the rant that it's just not clear.

Those damned Islamo-whateverists

What's Mallard raving about today?

People without the proper expression of hatred in their labels.

Right, because the best way to win the War on Terror is to come up with ever nastier names for our enemies. Way to be a man, Mallard. Much better than, say, enlisting. (Given the strain on our military, I hear they lifted their ban on enlisting waterfowl.)

That damned New York Times

What's Mallard raving about today?

The pope's remarks about Islam, The New York Times.

Actually, Mallard, not surprisingly, you're the only one still talking about it. You see, it seems the Republican leadership hid knowledge of a pedophile in their midst because they wanted to hold onto his seat in the House of Representatives. Plus North Korea set off a nuclear weapon. People are kind of busy talking about those things right now.

That damned frenzied media

What's Mallard raving about today?

Sharks, the media, Valerie Plame, Mark Karr, obesity.

I confess...I like the sharks' facial expressions. But I am not sure where the bubbles are supposed to be coming from. Is the shark on the left supposed to be flatulent? Can sharks be flatulent? These are much more interesting questions that the one the panel is actually screeching about, by the way.

That damned liberal media

What's Mallard raving about today?

Liberal parents, don't ask don't tell, the liberal media.

The simpler answer to Mallard's liberal straw man's question: Fox News.

And congrats to Mallard, who will probably be making a rare appearance at The Silent Penultimate Panel Watch! It's a rarity for a strip that usually only has one or two panels, but I am sure SPP will welcome you with open arms.

That damned Bob Dylan

What's Mallard raving about today?

Liberal parents, Bob Dylan, the times.

Given the fact that Mallard often raves for days about the same subject matter, I'm not exactly sure what distinguishes these two panels as some sort of continuing plotline. In any case, quite the anti-climax. And whatever it was, it's supposedly over, since there is no indication that it will be continued. That said, I won't be surprised if tomorrow's panel is on the exact same topic.

Those damned college students

What's Mallard raving about today?

Lesbians, probably liberals (although since this is just part one of a continued panel, we can only guess)

Ooooh, to be continued! Well, it will be nearly impossible to wait for the thrilling continuation of this plotline, but I'll just have to master my raging curiosity. In the meantime, I will spend my time wondering why Mallard mentioned the lesbian aunt by name in this panel. Will that become important later or is it just a red herring?

Those damned gender neutral types

What's Mallard raving about today?

UC Berkeley, education standards, the gender neutral community, freshman tolerance-diversity orientation, turnips.

One thing you have to hand to Mallard, the little morality play involving a turnip being admitted to UC Berkeley really allows him a large canvas against which to vent his spleen. Because once you've decided to advance the premise that a turnip has been accepted to UC Berkeley, there's really no idiotic premise that would be beyond the scope of this particular dementia.

Those damned speech codes

What's Mallard raving about today?

UC Berkeley, Education standard, turnips, campus speech codes.

Looks like we've got a week of U.C. Berkeley turnip jokes to withstand. I think I'll just ignore this entire week and try to look forward to Mallard's commentary on former Representative Mark Foley, which should happen in 2-3 weeks time, just about the time it's no longer topical.

Those damn turnips

What's Mallard raving about today?

UC Berkeley, Harvard, Education standard, turnips, aparagus.

Either Mallard has so completely run out of ideas that he is blatantly recycling jokes from 2 months ago or he believes no one pays attention long enough to spot the repetition. If it weren't for the dicates of this blog, in my case the latter would be a safe assumption.

Those damned dinosaurs

What's Mallard raving about today?

Federal employees, conventional wisdom, who gets credit for ending the Great Depression, Geocentrists.

Be careful what you wish for...Mallard's finally done raving about The Path to 9-11, but now he's back to Federal employee's wages, a subject I'd hoped was left for dead 2-1/2 weeks ago.

Important note, however for Mallard: the definition of Conventional Wisdom is "certain ideas or explanations that are generally accepted as true by the public." It has not been Conventional Wisdom that the Sun revolves around the Earth since somewhere around the 13th century.

Also, there can only be one factor to which we assign credit for ending the Great Depression? That's the definition of sophomoric historical insight. Gratuitous, but on-point, Simpsons reference:

Proctor: All right, here's your last question. What was the cause of the Civil War?
Apu: Actually, there were numerous causes. Aside from the obvious schism between the abolitionists and the anti-abolitionists, there were economic factors, both domestic and inter--
Proctor: Wait, wait... just say slavery.
Apu: Slavery it is, sir.