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Sunday, January 20, 2013

Week of January 20, 2013

What's Mallard raving about this Week?

Read and Comment!


lam****ing said...

Fumduck utterly fails; this "phenomenon" will happen again in 2041. I certainly hope to live at least 28 more years, though ol' boozer Tinsley likely won't get anywhere near the age of 83.

AndrewJ said...

Also, Inauguration Day has never been celebrated as a holiday by anybody.

Bill the Splut said...

Aww, poor lil' ducky is mad that people get days off. Coming from Bruce, a guy who could literally take a shit on a piece of Bristol board and he'd get paid for it.

"Squirrel Appreciation Day"...Hey, speaking of squirrely things, yesterday was Gun Appreciation Day. You calling your fellow penis-deficient morons squirrels, Bruce?

Kip W [Muffaroo] said...

I swear, he has automated his strip. He's found some way to use random electromechanical processes to do what he used to do with the process of random decay of brain cells from consumption of liquor.

Tog said...

After weeks of copypasting the entire left half of his strip (which I'm sure is supposed to be some sort of witty symbolism), Tinsley craps out another one of his Sunday "masterpieces"...only instead of the usual single-panel Sunday strip devoid of detail, he's turned a single-panel joke into a multi-panel mess, drawing his stock fu**head duckhead over and over again.

Toss in a human, a calender (for no reason), and hideous, buffoonish text with plenty of inappropriate ellipsis, and voila!

He DOES tell a joke, but one about which only wrong-wing cranks could possibly give a damn. The idiots and comment-section sockpuppets clap on cue.

Just another triumphant day in Tinsleytown. Aren't you glad you don't live there?

Anonymous said...

Bill the Splut...If ever you home is broken into I assume you won't have a gun, they are too scary for you and Obama does not want you to have one, so just let them take what they want…even if they decide to take your life.

Neo Tuxedo said...

Yes, anon, I'm sure your debates with straw men are very impressive at the Ray Bolger Fan Club meeting; now would it really hurt you that badly to address something Bill actually said?

Fuck You, Tinsley said...

I just read last week's comments and noticed that someone used Internet Explorer to read about Mallard Fillmore, which is like setting yourself on fire in the hope of getting terminal cancer.

CW in LA said...

Say, anonytinypenis, what do you say about the statistical probability that a person with a firearm in their home is significantly more likely to be shot with that gun than a person without one is to be harmed by an intruder?

I know it's tough seeing your surrogate dick disparaged on top of your regular one not working, but facts are facts.

Anonymous said...

Gun Violence is Not a Republican Problem, It's a Democratic Problem.

Neo Tuxedo said...

Can someone with a higher tolerance for mangoes please follow the link to David Horowitz's den of elephant ass-funk and murdered time and let me know if the linked essay ever rises to the moral level of, say, several thousand square miles of American Express junk mail or even a typical Joel Stein column?

Bill the Splut said...

ANONYBRUCE! So glad you're back! Not sure why I'm the only one you're always mad at. Also, don't care.

ANON: Wait! What do I hear at this DARK hour? Is someone breaking in--with a BROWN gun?!

PERSON OF NO DETERMINATE RACIAL CHARACTERISTICS (as the syndicate won't let me run a comic that isn't blatantly racist): Give me your money and stock certificates, Whitey!

ANON: Oh, thank god I already had a gun in my hand when you broke in! Now--


ANON: OW, I shot my LEG MY LEG! Again! At least I heroically all-Bruce Willis Tinsley-style got--Oh, wait, you're not an intruder, you're my dog. Sorry about shooting you, Fido!

"It's not a Republican problem"--c'mon, asshole, just admit that "Republican" means "old white guy" to you. Then do another strip about "There's no racism, say old white guys!" Then quit working after that exhausting 5 minutes of shitting on your Bristol board.

CW in LA said...

Clicked on the link against my better judgement, scrolled past the putting a ridiculous amount of stink on our president's name to the end, where the call for "a serious conversation about what is wrong with New Orleans, Detroit and Chicago" caused every dog in a ten-mile radius to howl.

But really, for our cowardly purveyor of watermelon jokes, that almost qualifies as subtle.

Bill the Splut said...


Actually, yeah, I have a gun. A 12 gauge shotgun. Sorry, it only holds one shell. I guess that's not manly enough for an old drunk on wingnut welfare, who sobs that he'll ONLY get guns with 10 round magazines. "Oh, what will I do when ELEVEN swarthy ones in loincloths barge in to steal my Glenn Beck gold?! Pick up one of my other guns?!"

Andrew said...

But, getting back to Mallard...

AndrewJ- Inauguration Day is a holiday for some Washington DC Federal employees (and some non-governmental, as well)- when it falls M-F, they'll get the day off (to a large extent because of traffic and street closings). However, it's not subject to the "Monday holiday rule".

Andm of course, "Squirrel Appreciation day" never gives people a day off.

What I'm saying is Bruce is an idiot.

Randy Winn said...

One mystery about the Sunday "comic" is why today's "conservatives" feel the need to tear America down instead of building America up?
A fair amount of holidays is a good thing, and one a month is not too much. If bankers and government employees enjoy a holiday, why not try to get the holiday for everyone else as well?

These are of course rhetorical questions. Today's "conservatives" will not be happy until America's workers labor under the conditions of our Chinese "Free Trade Zone" competitors: seven days a week, 12 hours a day, housed in crowded dorms, and fired for taking one too many bathroom breaks.

Randy Winn said...

Monday's "comic" bitterly complains that some workers (bankers and government employees) have a day off roughly every other month.
A patriot would rejoice that some fellow workers has a small bit of something good, and join with them to try to get something comparable for all Americans.
Bruce Tinshley is not a patriot; he will not rest until every American worker has the same conditions of pre-Progressive era America.

Speaking of which, the great Progressive Teddy Roosevelt lays the case for holidays as part of a working wage and decent living conditions:

"...We stand for a living wage.

Wages are subnormal if they fail to provide a living for those who devote their time and energy to industrial occupations. The monetary equivalent of a living wage varies according to local conditions, but must include enough to secure the elements of a normal standard of living--a standard high enough to make morality possible, to provide for education and recreation, to care for immature members of the family, to maintain the family during periods of sickness, and to permit of reasonable saving for old age.

Hours are excessive if they fail to afford the worker sufficient time to recuperate and return to his work thoroughly refreshed.

We hold that the night labor of women and children is abnormal and should be prohibited; we hold that the employment of women over forty-eight hours per week is abnormal and should be prohibited. We hold that the seven day working week is abnormal, and we hold that one day of rest in seven should be provided in law.

We hold that the continuous industries, operating twenty-four hours out of twenty-four, are abnormal, and where, because of public necessity or of technical reasons (such as molten metal), the twenty-four hours must be divided into two shifts of twelve hours or three shifts of eight, they should by law be divided into three of eight...."

<a href=">Go Read The Whole Thing</a> - you won't regret it!

Randy Winn said...

Here's the Teddy Roosevelt Link, properly formatted - I should've used the preview LOL!

P.S. How Many NRA Spokesmen Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

Answer: MORE GUNS!!!!!!

Bill the Splut said...

Hey, Bruce, quit welfare and get a real job! If you work even 15 minutes a day, it sure doesn't show in your strip.

Also, since this is Inauguration Day--aren't thousands of government employees in the DC Metro area working today? Also, judging by the lack of traffic this rush hour, lots of private sector companies had today off. (Yes, Bruce, I have a commute that is more than from the bed to the drawing board to the liquor cabinet to the floor) Why is this holiday the only one you're complaining about? Never saw you bitching about people getting Christmas off. Certainly it's not something racist.

CW in LA said...

I teach at a private, religious-affiliated school. I have the day off because our school honors Dr. King's legacy.

I'm pretty sure there will never, EVER be a "Mallard Fillmore Day" holiday.

Suck on that, Brews.

Andrew said...

Gee, Bruce- you could have written this same comic about President's day. Or Veteran's Day (if you remembered when it was). Or any other Federal holiday, since many merchants stay open on them. Nowadays, even Christmas isn't guaranteed off for people in the retail industry (those of us in the restaurant/entertainment industry saw that boat sail a long time ago). Where's the outrage about those days, Bruce?

Oh, wait- none of them are celebrating a black person. Well, except maybe Christmas and Easter, depending on whom you listen to.

Frank Stone said...

Bruce Tinsley: Champion of the Working Man. And by "Working Man", he means himself. Which is definitely on the short short list for "Unintentionally Funniest Thing Ever to Appear in 'Mallard Fillmore'".

Kip W [Muffaroo] said...

I followed the link. Are you sitting down? It turns out that more murders occur where the most population is!


(Speaking of which, I sure didn't "predict" that Tinsley would drop the format he's been using for weeks now, where half of each strip is a repeated panel and the rest is a crappy drawing and a couple lines of type. Much the same way Cracker Jack prizes are all identical-looking pieces of paper now.)

AndrewJ said...

Most of the federal workers hired by Obama have been taking care of military personnel and veterans.*

Fuck You, Tinsley said...

A comic book about Tinsley's enemy, moral and intellectual opposite, and one of the reasons he so hates everything about the last 5,000 years of human history:

Adam Robert-Catt said...

Tuesday: But... he did remember Squirrel Appreciation Day... he mentioned it in Sunday's comic... why is it that Mallard Fillmore remembers Squirrel Appreciation Day but continually forgets Veterans' Day?

Tog said...

He felt he had to mention Squirrel Appreciation Day again just to drive home the fact that he was putting greater emphasis on it than MLK Day. Take that, rodents!

And if it's still too subtle, by "rodents" he means "the blacks."

But because he doesn't say it outright, YOU'RE racist! (Hey, don't blame me, that's how things work in Tinsleytown.)

Kip W [Muffaroo] said...

In addition to the humdrum, stale, fill-in-the-blanks laziness of this weak jab at MLK Day, isn't this also a straight rerun?

Maybe it's really a dig at Groundhog Day, and he's going to run this strip every day until he gets more letters of any kind. He's so lonely.

Randy Winn said...

First, thanks "F You Tinsley" for the link to ... I hadn't know that existed, and I'll be sure to spread it around!

Second, thanks "Mallard Fillmore" for showing us, once again, that your entire schtick is trolling: making outrageous statements for the purpose of stirring up angry rebuttals that you can use to feel self-righteous about.

Trolls are sad, stupid and irrelevant.

Tog said...

At least Tinsley's quit pretending the letters are real, coming to him through some kind of time warp across his two-or-three-week lag.

But beyond that, Randy's got him pegged. Mallard Fillmore was created to troll Doonesbury. While Tinsley surrendered THAT losing battle long ago (and appears to have traded in Mallard's arrogant smirk for the Blank Gaze of Disengagement) it's not like he has the talent to do anything besides trolling.

Anonymous said...

And we can never expect a reasonable and logical discussion of the important issues of the day, of course.
And of course, when everyone is carrying guns, the slightest argument will turn into a gunfight, with innocent bystanders getting shot, as the TX example shows.

Randy Winn said...

"Purge Dailey" is such a *f*u*n*n*y* name that he has to put it in there twice.
Cuz otherwise he won't get a laugh all week!

Frank Stone said...

"Hi, it's me, gun fetishist 'Tiny' Johnson, with the answer to gun violence!...

...just arm everybody!

Nobody 'needs' to be free of guns for 'safety'!

They should all just be armed to the teeth at all times and live in an action movie fantasy world like me, gun fetishist 'Tiny' Johnson!"

Neo Tuxedo said...

...Frank, will that internets be carry-out or delivery?

Andrew said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Andrew said...

I will give props to Bruce for this-
Considering this was written/drawn (in the loosest sense of those words) 3 weeks ago, he actually beat the NRA's newest talking point to the punch-"Obama doesn't want all us common folks to have the same protection as he and his rich pals get!" Good for you, Bruce! Have a drink on me! Just the one, though- gotta stay sharp!

Tog said...

"In other news....a shootout claimed five lives today....after a car backfired....and ten people drew their concealed weapons and opened fire....the casualties included Reginald "Tiny" Johnson, who apparently shot himself in the groin. More on this as it develops..."

Fuck You, Tinsley said...

I recently played a game where a man possessed by the ghost of a ninja killed a living skeleton in order to take down the world's armies. It ended with the skeleton coming back to life in order to go time-traveling with his clone, Someone with Tinsley's grasp on reality would find that game way too plausible and realistic, and also think it would cause violence in reality.

Also, what kind of horrible pun is Purge Daley? Even modern MAD Magazine could do better than that, and it has horribly bastardized for most of this century! Why does the "supermodel" look so horrible? Right, because Tinsley is so much of a closeted-gay homophobe that he cannot conceive of an attractive woman--certainly not his inbred daughters, whose flipper arms can still produce better things than him.

obdurate hater of rhythm games said...

Tinsley has created a video in response to our comments:

Tog said...

Purge is actually a recurring character. Tinsley probably dug her out of the box because of some beauty pageant. You know, one where they ask the contestants their opinion on some global issue, and then cranks like Tinsley get all pissy because they GIVE those opinions.

Randy Winn said...

Rural States have the highest rate of gun crimes:
Louisiana (10.16 per 100,000)
Mississippi (7.46 per 100,000)

Aggravated assaults involving a firearm
Tennessee (137.58 per 100,000)
South Carolina (127.88 per 100,000)
Arkansas (100.56 per 100,000)

Individual cities, such as DC, have higher gun violence rates due to poverty-associated crime, but when the poverty is spread out into the country, rural states catch up quickly.

It's complicated of course, reality always is. South Dakota's just not that violent a state ... but the Confederacy as a whole is much violent than the Union

Marion Delgado said...

The parody I would write of this week's Mallard Fillmore:

Panel 1: Mallard tosses a child in the air.

Panel 2. Mallard blows child out of the air with AR-15.

Panel 3. Mallard close up laughing hysterically looking out at reader.

Panel 4. Another child tossed up, other child on ground like a rag doll. A labeled "Smugometer" would have pegged, the glass would be cracked on it, and the needle would be almost all the way around through the bottom of the stand.

I realize this is too nuanced to be a good Mallard Fillmore parody, but after the Jon Stewart thing, you can never be too careful.

Tog said...

That's also WAY more work than Tinsley would ever be willing to put into MF, even back in the day.

Kip W [Muffaroo] said...


Dear Bruce Tinsley:

Working backwards from what you choose to caricature and those parts of your life that are known through news reports gives a sort of picture of what you must be like. Let me speak directly to you.

Son; fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life.

Dean Vernon Wormer from the movie

CW in LA said...

Geez, Brews, no one is saying gun nuts are fat. No, it's that they're tiny-dicked and impotent. It's not complicated.

Frank Stone said...

I think Bruce's use of "Supermodel Purge Daley" for the straw (wo)man in this series is beginning to make sense: It's entirely possible that Bruce recently used the gun control topic as a conversation-starter with an attractive young woman (such as a model) and she blew him off, muttering something about him being a fat old gun nut. Hence Purge's sudden non sequitur about gun enthusiasts being overweight.

Just a theory.

Randy Winn said...

"Mallard Fillmore continues to be one of the most highly contentious and celebrated comic strips, providing a unique conservative viewpoint to the comics pages. ..."

In response to 20 young children being so mutilated in the face by gunfire that some of them had to be buried in closed coffins, conservatives complain that liberals think they're fat.

That explains why conservatives have also given up trying to hold on to power through free and fair elections, and are turning to stealing the presidency by manipulating the electoral college

Anonymous said...

It was sooo predictable that Tinsley would be way off target on the real issues of the debate.
Banning all guns has never been a serious suggestion in reality. It was also predictable that he would insult the victims.

ajm said...

In response to 20 young children being so mutilated in the face by gunfire that some of them had to be buried in closed coffins, conservatives complain that liberals think they're fat.


Frank Stone said...

Re Saturday: You betcha, Bruce -- being a gun pusher is the kiss of death in Hollywood. Just ask Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, or Bruce Willis -- that is, if you can catch them in between premieres for their new gun-littered, bullet-riddled action movies...

ajm said...

I don't necessarily agree with all the choices, but this video makes Tinsley's points about Hollywood and guns in a much more efficient manner.

Anonymous said...

Gun Control Explained

CW in LA said...

I'm not watching your damn youtube, melonfuck.

And Brews, "Purge Daley" doesn't get funnier not matter how many repetitions you give it. Or are you hoping to get hired to write for some of the Saturday Night Live skits they run towards the end of the show?

Andrew said...

Anonymouse's video, for anyone interested, is one of those "make-it-yourself" animations where you type in dialogue and bad CGI animates it for you. It is the very definition of a strawman argument. Honestly- it should be used in schools.

ajm's, on the other hand, doesn't make the point Bruce is making at all- it's (supposedly) about how hypocritical it is for celebrities to be for gun control when they make violent movies- but ends up pretty much just being about showing a bunch of "cool" gun shooting scenes from movies. (ajm, that isn't Brucie's point- he saying that people who say they are pro-gun in Hollywood don't get work- which has been disproven time and again. Conservatives get plenty of work in Hollywood- as long as they sell tickets.)