Those damned Vikings

What's Mallard raving about today?

Vikings, the NEA.

Dead Horse. Beat beat beat.

That said, I'm a big fan of the two midget Vikings in front of the horde, of whom only the horned hats are visible.

That damned imagination

What's Mallard writing about today?

Imaginary letter writers, imaginary NEA letter writing campaigns, teachers.

Just when I though Mallard had found a high water mark for being pathetic and self-aggrandizing at the same time, he manages to top himself with an imaginary NEA letter writing campaign.

This letter writing campaign will be as massive as the groundswell for Walter Williams candidacy, no doubt. Speaking of which, anyone know what Mr. Williams is polling at these days?

That damned A.C.

What's Mallard raving about today?

Schools, air conditioning, going green.

Rush is back, but that's about all that makes sense.

Our schools standards are too low, however the school year starts too early?

But see the early start is only bad because it uses air conditioning, and that's not environmentally sound.

Only, Mallard doesn't buy into this "going green" bunk.

At which point nothing makes sense...until you remind yourself that Mallard views school as a liberal indoctrination plot. So the whole thing is highly ironic, see?

Those damned denominators

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teachers.

I'm not sure I'd bring up the topic of lowest common denominator work, my glass-house-dwelling waterfowl friend.

That damned Obama

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, Liberals.

In that case, to what do you attribute our Ivy-league educated President's slang, bad grammar, and (I might add) horrifying pronunciation?

By this logic, either he's being patronizing by attempting to appear like a "regular Joe" or he actually is as stupid as he sounds. Go ahead and take your pick.

Those damned toys

What's Mallard raving about today?

Toys.

What I love about panels like this one, where Mallard complains about something that is not in the news, is that it reveals the fact that Mallard believes everyone shares his particular brand of dementia so far as to understand the petty annoyances of his everyday life.

It's what I imagine would happen if Mallard and Al Scaduto of They'll Do It Every Time fame switched jobs for a day. Oh yeah!

Those damned Oner-Role Students

What's Mallard raving about today?

Schools

Mallard has the demented temerity to continue to cast aspersions on the education system. I suppose his recent spate of comics is indictment enough of whatever system spit him out.

I'll try to use small words and talk slowly, Mallard.

The people who would produce the bumper stickers would be the teachers and school administrators, most of whom are members of your generation and went through the same school systems you did.

And they are not as illiterate as whatever duck seems to think Honor Roll is a hyphenate, spelled correctly or not.

Those damned Outraged Readers

What's Mallard raving about today?

Imaginary Outraged Readers.

The idea of inventing imaginary readers who are outraged is, at the same time, the most pathetic and the most self-aggrandizing thing I can imagine.

Slightly less pathetic than repeating the joke and then explaining it.

Most pathetic of all, however is that Mallard considers it a safety feature of his panel that the illiterate will not be incited to violence against teachers because they can't read. Which means he fails to understand that what is outrageous and offensive is not the lamely satirical incitement to violence, but the very real mean-spiritedness towards a group of people who deserve nothing but respect.

Those damned spankings

What's Mallard raving about today?

Education, Teachers, Corporal Punishment.

First, if I can't read that it's probably because some idiot chose yellow on black as the color scheme.

Second, how in the name of a duck's demented mind, would teachers spanking students possibly improve children's ability to read?

Mallard, meet the deep end. Now say good bye as you go off it.

Those damned Liberals

What's Mallard raving about today?

Liberals, Education, Hunting and Gathering.

You have to respect Mallard's "The Early Years" work.

It's the ultimate in Straw Man efficiency while maintaining his standards for intellectual laziness.

That damned Sex Education

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teachers, Sex Education.

The reason they can't teach Science is because Republican school boards won't allow it.

Those damned teachers

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teachers.

Way to fight the power Mallard. Taking on fat cat, overpaid, pampered teachers! People who contribute nothing to society and just leach off the hard work of others.

Yep, these people are deserving of our utter contempt and scorn.

I assume nurses are next. Then firefighters. And the police. Eventually, no doubt, Mallard will get around to calling out our soldiers who think the Nanny State should be responsible for their medical care and education.

Those damned Alarmists

What's Mallard raving about today?

Nanny State Alarmists, China.

Our air is made in China? We are dependent on China for the very air we breathe?

Man, no wonder Mallard is so scared of them.

That damned __________

What's Mallard raving about today?

Your favorite professional athlete.

Excellent! Audience participation joke time!

Say it ain't so Roger Federer.
Say it ain't so Tiger Woods.
Say it ain't so Peyton Manning.
Say it ain't so Thierry Henry.
Say it ain't so Joe Thornton.

Wait a second...I don't get the joke.

Those damned girls

What's Mallard raving about today?

School, Girls.

And, suddenly, we have a psychological frame of reference for understanding Mallard's intense hatred of Hillary Clinton...an educated girl.