That damned trillion

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, Collectibles, The Bailout.

Here's something I never thought I would say, with respect to Mallard Fillmore: Sunday can't come soon enough.

That damned history

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hillary Clinton, Collectibles

Wow, how did I not see this particular twist coming?

That damned package

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Collectibles, Pensions.

My 401k lost 40% in 3 months. I'd have been better off putting my money into Obama collectibles recently.

On the plus side, Chet's is hiding his penis chin behind that package!

Golden Ellipses: Most Disturbing Image (Mental or Visual)

And the winner is...

Chris Dodd's Neck
The nominees for Most Disturbing Image (Mental or Visual) are:

• William F. Buckley - No matter what you think of Mr. Buckley, he did not deserve to be remembered in this way.
  
• Drill Her! - Uncle Sam is going to fuck a taxpayer here and now!
• Constipated McCain - UNNH! Best case John McCain is passing a stone. Worst case, he's having difficulty crapping his pants. Either way, it's not an image that's very pleasant.
• Chris Dodd's Neck - WTF is Chris Dodd's head perched on? This is the goiter version of last year's winner in this category.
• Mallard's Crotch - A representative panel (there were many to choose from) in which Mallard sits watching his TV, with his crotch disturbingly exposed toward the reader.

As soon as you finish throwing up, vote.

Those damned Xenophobes

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Collectibles.

OK, recycling the bitter comment is completely out of left field and makes no sense whatever in this context.

That damned Quarter

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, The Economy.

Holy crap! The economy is going to grow by almost 120% (ht: Anthony) 120 times 360 times (ht: Gold-Digging Nanny) while Obama is President. Damn, even Mallard's a believer.

Those damned plates

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Commemorative Plates.

The Free Market is to blame for reviving the "cheesy collectible" industry, not President Obama.

Only an intellectual midget could confuse the two.

Why do you hate Capitalism so much, Mallard? I can only assume it is because you are a Communist.

Those damned Liberals

What's Mallard raving about today?

Liberals.

Former President George W. Bush handed over $350B to the Financial industry, with no oversight or accounting. That money is gone, banks are still in terrible shape, and no one will disclose where it went...except for the part of it that went to pay massive year-end bonuses to Execs who drove their banks into the ground.

It will, therefore come as a surprise to exactly no one that Mallard pins the blame for the bailout on Democrats.

Americans know who is to blame for this mess. They registered their opinion on the matter in November, resoundingly. No amount of bleating by Mallard and his fellow water-carriers will change reality.

Golden Ellipses: Most Interminable Series or Running Theme

And the winner is...

Things that are Racist
The nominees for Most Interminable Series or Running Theme are...

• Photos of Hillary - A bold declaration on 26 February in reaction to angry writers! Mostly notable, however, because by 9 April he was posting caricatures again. Even though it was not temporally lengthy, it felt interminable.
  
• D.C. Gun Ban - Otherwise known as Much Ado About Nothing, since the Supreme Court ruled the Gun Ban was not Constitutional. Along the way, however, it featured some forehead-bashingly stupid commentary.
• Bitterness - Mallard, the single most bitter individual on the planet, was outraged (outraged I tell you!) by comments which, when taken out of context, could be considered offensive to bitter people.
• Mallard visits the President Elect - Creepy & pointless. Elevated to exceptional status by the singular claim that Mallard is part of the marketplace of ideas.
• Things that are Racist - Textually: I fraudulently assert that criticism of Obama is being equated with racism. Sub-textually: Why does everyone keep saying that I am a racist whenever I open my mouth?

Your opportunity to vote is short, so get cracking!

Those damned clippings

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Press clippings.

If Mallard wanted to suggest that Obama "believes his overly positive press clippings", he should have considered, you know...saying it in a way that's understandable to readers of the English language.

As it is, all I can actually gather is that a somewhat dopey-eyed Obama doesn't need the advice because he understands that you should be true to yourself and not allow what people say--positive or negative--to change your own sense of self-belief. Which, I think is actually a pretty fair description of Obama thusfar, hence it can't possibly be what Mallard actually means.

At any rate, Mallard joins Rush Limbaugh in openly hoping that Obama fails, because being ideologically right is more important than America to this group of dead-enders.

To which I must ask...why does Mallard hate America so much?

Those damned ears

What's Mallard raving about today?

Readers, planes, press, ears.

They should have looked it up on the Internet? Because, God knows, it couldn't possibly be false if it is on the Internet.

By the way, Mallard likes to have sex with goats.

Know how I know that? Because it appeared on the Internet. Specifically, on this blog in the last paragraph.

Point #3 would be easier to defend if Mallard had, for example, done more than one caricature of President Bush in the last two years. What do you think of that claim?

Those damned taxes

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Taxes.

The stupid...it burns.

This Straw Man is predicated on attaching some relevance to whether someone pays additional taxes when filing their tax return.

Not paying additional taxes in April is simply not equivalent to "not paying any taxes." Or did you not notice the taxes deducted from your paycheck every week?

This is not something I would expect to have to explain to a living creature more intelligent than a paramecium, since it only requires a passing familiarity with "addition" and "subtraction."

Since Mallard mostly occupies himself with the daily struggle to keep himself spittle-free, I guess it might be a hard concept for him to grasp. As such, I would be better of trying to explain it to the paramecium.

As someone once said...it's like they take pride in being ignorant.

Those damned superlatives

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Media, Barack Obama.

A 2009 Golden Ellipse bonanza!

An early 2009 contender for Worst Metaphor since dependence on foreign adjectives is as stupid a concept as I have ever heard.

Also an early contender for Highest Text-to-Image ratio, since the images of Mallard were not even strictly necessary.

Finally, a Straw Man which asserts that the media are out of step with America in terms of optimism about President Obama (man does it feel good to finally write that down!) when in fact Americans of all stripes are hopeful.

But, when you refuse to allow any dissenting opinions or data into your world view, you pretty well insure that you will become Mallard Fillmore.

And at the end of the day, no different than yesterday.

That damned Press

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, The Press.

Depending on who you believe, Barack Obama takes office with a favorable/unfavorable of 71-16 or so, with his favorability rating growing sharply during the transition.

So, Mallard, it is not just "The Press" who need to join your made-up little self-help group.

At any rate, to avoid congestion at meetings, I suggest we target self-help toward the 16% instead.

Because if there is not already a self-help group for hate-driven cranks, people who want to deprive everyone of optimism in order to make everyone's existence as wretched as their own, there ought to be.

Golden Ellipses: Least Accurate Caricature

And the winner is...

Hillary Clinton

The nominees for Least Accurate Caricature are:

• Abraham Lincoln - The face may be Lincoln, but the ears are Dumbo and the lips are Bill Murray from Caddyshack..."So I got that going for me, which is nice."
• Ted Kennedy - One thing you notice when looking at the actual Ted Kennedy is that he has plenty of characteristcs which can be caricatured without resorting to giving him buck teeth which recall Propoganda pictures of Tojo and which would require gnawing on bark to keep under control.
• Elliot Spitzer - Penis chin. 'Nuff said.
• Hillary Clinton - A fact which is only discernable through the text. Also an indication that Mallard believes that caricature consists of elongating chins and adding buck teeth.
• Barack Obama - Comparison to a January caricature offers proof that the size of the chin is proportional to how much Mallard hates someone.

Vote, using the penis-chin on the right.