Those damned Mastodons

What's Mallard raving about today?

Liberals, Moderates, Mastodons.

Damn Liberals. Or Moderates? No, wait, definitely Liberals. But Moderates. Moderate Liberal Moderates. But Liberal. Are we clear?

And yet, what bugs me the most is Mallard's smug little lean into the panel.

That and the fact that the end of the mastodon's trunk resembles a boxing glove. A five-year-old can do better than that.

Those damned misquotes

What's Mallard raving about today?

Emerson, Presidential candidates.

While part of me appreciates the correction, since this the common misquotation slightly mangles Emerson's intent, I feel that a poorly-illustrated Duck who recently invented a singing pedophile is in no position to cast pedantic stones.

Plus, it's not like Mallard exhibits a foolish consistency regarding anything.

That damned Reality TV

What's Mallard raving about today?

Reality TV.

I did not just see a cartoon about a singing pedophile, did I?

Please, tell me I didn't.

Those damned Notaries

What's Mallard raving about today?

Reality TV, a Notary Public.

Sweet Jesus, apparently Mallard feels he has more to contribute to the Failed-Reality Show topic. Prepare yourselves for a long, long week.

Those giant boots

What's Mallard talking about today?

Memorial Day.

No snark from me regarding Memorial Day remembrances.

But I do have to ask: Was it really worth it to jump the gun by a day and publish a Memorial Day Sunday panel when the only plan was to draw a huge pair of boots?

Those damned smokers

What's Mallard raving about today?

Smoking.

Nice timing on this panel.

Those damned makeover shows

What's Mallard raving about today?

Wally, Makeover Shows, self-help groups.

From Mallard's biography: "He thinks average, hardworking Americans need a break instead of a lecture."

If that's the case, champion of the average, hardworking American, stop lecturing us about what we should and should not watch on TV.

Will this week never end?

Those damned Hollywood penguins

What's Mallard raving about today?

Penguins.

I honestly thought yesterday would represent some kind of low-water mark for Mallard.

But, today, Mallard manages to find a new low by going back to bitching about penguins in Hollywood.

I suspect what's really going on is that his Mallard Fillmore: The Movie script has not generated any interest.

Those damned cavemen

What's Mallard raving about today?

Cavemen, animal products.

Words fail me.

Those damned queer pets

What's Mallard raving about today?

Reality TV.

I think I know what's going on. Mallard is playing a game of I Spy with himself.

He looks around his apartment and makes a cartoon out of the first three things that catch his eye. In this case a dog, a sweater, and a queer.

What the dog is doing in his apartment is any one's guess.

Those damned dogs

What's Mallard raving about today?

Reality TV, Wives, Dogs.

Now, I admit that your average Reality TV contestant is probably about as intelligent as, say, a bag of hammers. But, did Screamy McCrazyHair really expect them to take his wife (please) when he signed up to be on a show entitled Dog Swap?

Which I mention only because Mallard is difficult enough to read when he's railing against Liberals; when he devolves into jokes about topics as fresh as airplane food it becomes that much harder.

Those damned statistics

What's Mallard raving about today?

Universities.

Mallard examines the make up of a self-selecting group and conflates it with bias. Professors at the nations most prestigious Universities do not support the political party which would eliminate the Department of Education if it could. Stop the presses.

Just as meaningful would be, for example, examining the number of Democrats and Republicans among ballet dancers or Regency University professors.

But even that pales in comparison to the intellectual laziness with which Mallard attempts, and fails, to make his point.

First his protagonist says that her education had balance. Then she says she would thank her conservative professors if the university had any. All of which means that her non-conservative professors are the ones who provided her with balance in her education. So, what's the problem, then, Mallard?

That damned Baldwin

What's Mallard raving about today?

Alec Baldwin, Compassionate Hollywood Liberals.

Before you get too angry that Mallard is extending a single incident into an indictment of an entire group of people, you're missing the big picture.

Mallard wants to see if readers can come up with analogues to his example.

Have fun in the comments.

That damned Sanjaya

What's Mallard raving about today?

Sanjaya.

Not only does Mallard taunt us by not featuring Evil Sun.

Not only does he slap us in the face with an out-of-date Sanjaya reference and remind us of how resentful we all are that we even know who Sanjaya is.

But he has the nerve to do it while bringing back the, for lack of a better word, poetry.

What's really interesting to me is that the idiot daughter on the other end of the phone is Straw Liberal's Conservative-dating daughter. Shall we assume that said boyfriend is the one who got her hooked on American Idol?

Update: I think Kaitlyn's right and this isn't poetry. I mistook the rhythm created by the punctuation (meant to represent one side of a phone call) for an attempt at meter. I blame Mallard's previous poetry for making me believe this could have been poetry in the first place.

Those damned crises

What's Mallard raving about today?

NASCAR, Baseball, the Media, the NBA.

Don't even get me started on that damned NHL!