That damned arbitraryness

What's Mallard raving about today?

Reverend Al Sharpton.

Congratulations to Mallard!

After just 3 panels on the subject of Don Imus, Mallard has managed to drop all pretense and finally focus entirely on what this story is really about: Al Sharpton.

It's only the liberal bias of the Mainstream Media that caused them to be distracted by the man who called a group of college athletes "nappy headed ho's" instead of focusing on Reverend Sharpton.

Those damned rats

What's Mallard raving about today?

Rats, Teenagers.

All over America today newspapers will devote space and ink in service of a panel which, in essence, is a long-winded setup to say teenagers are moody and think they know everything.

As if that were worth saying, even ignoring the color pictures and unnecessary setup.

Those damned able bodies

What's Mallard raving about today?

Able-bodied panhandlers.

This is so wrong-headed.

Am I supposed to believe this crazy-haired bespectacled gentleman is even a candidate for a manual labor job that might wear his body out?

Am I supposed to believe a white-collar office job would wear his body out?

Am I supposed to believe he's panhandling in a suit?

With a smile on his face?

On a giant expanse of grey?

Please stop this inanity now.

Those damned elitists

What's Mallard raving about today?

Smug elitists.

I have to confess, I did not expect the tin-cup cavalcade to make a comeback.

In reviewing past tin-cup panels, I noticed that the most effective beggar of the group (based on the money in their tin cup) appears to be the Hippie. Make of that what you will.

That damned apology

What's Mallard raving about today?

Don Imus, the Reverend Al Sharpton, apologies.

Since Mallard's just recycling Monday's joke, you can refer to my comment from Monday.

That damned Imus

What's Mallard raving about today?

Don Imus, the Reverend Al Sharpton.

Mallard has a point.

Though that does not explain what caused Don Imus'cowboy hat to shrink.

That damned Reverend Sharpton

What's Mallard raving about today?

Don Imus, the Reverend Al Sharpton, Bigotry.

Ahhh, moral equivalency. The last sanctuary of the truly defenseless.

Still, Mallard is off-message. Didn't he get the memo that the comparison he was supposed to be making was to Rap singers?

That damned Nancy Pelosi

What's Mallard raving about today?

Nancy Pelosi.

One of these days someone should write a scholarly article about Mallard Fillmore, contrasting the lavish attention to detail expended creating grotesque caricatures which are, despite the level of detail, barely recognizable with the one-dimensional subject matter whose stock-in-trade is the straw man argument.

I don't have that kind of time on my hands, so I'll just mention the irony in passing.

That damned Evil Sun

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Sun, Al Gore.

The pacing of Mallard Fillmore--with rapidly shifting and re-appearing topics (a couple days of tax facts then a couple days on stamps, then a couple days of tax facts; the return of the evil sun after 2 weeks) but no apparent beginning, middle, or end to discussion on a topic--bespeaks some sort of disorder, but I would not want to speculate on the nature of that disorder.

That said, the extra space afforded by the Sunday comics page allows three glorious details:

• Mallard's dramatic accusatory point towards the evil sun.
• The sweat drops coming off the planet Mars, visually making the point about Mars' ice caps melting.
• The throwaway textual detail about there being no Republicans on Mars. Sheer brilliance to deliberately raise the straw man idea that only Republican human activity is causing climate change as opposed to the actual idea that Republican inactivity on climate change is leading us into a crisis.
  

Those damned Hippies

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hippies, Folk Songs.

Mallard hates hippies and associates them with folk music. Everyone clear?

That damned Starbucks

What's Mallard raving about today?

Starbucks (obliquely).

I'm much less interested in the overall theme of the panel, which is fairly obvious, than I am with the prominent No Parking Zone sign. Given it's position, it has to signify something, but what?

That damned New Yorker

What's Mallard raving about today?

The New Yorker Cartoons.

Nope, sorry. I don't understand this one at all.

Does The New Yorker pay it's cartoon characters exorbitant salaries of which I am not aware?

Or is Mallard bemoaning that cartoonists for The New Yorker make more than, say, hack syndicated cartoonists who pen bewildering comics on waterfowl-related topics.

That damned Anna Nicole Smith

What's Mallard raving about today?

Anna Nicole Smith.

The combination, in the most inscrutable manner, of Ms. Smith, taxes, and the poor is comedy, uh, not so much gold as a giant lump of crap.

Those damned other people

What's Mallard raving about today?

Americans who don't pay taxes, Illegals.

To be continued? You mean this whole week's going to be a picture of him with a tin cup and signs bitching about everyone and everything he doesn't like?

...And Democrats. And Liberals. And the French. And the Poor. And my former P.E. teacher. And that one judge who just didn't understand me.

Those damned bums

What's Mallard raving about today?

Bums, beggars, panhandlers, or street people.

The last time a week started like this, Mallard spent the rest of the week trying to start a grass-roots movement for Walter Williams. My guess is that his efforts did not go so well, and this week will be about how poor Walter has fallen on hard times.

But that's just a guess.

It's also possible Mallard is just going to complain about poor people and veterans who bother him with their poverty.

Those damned confiscatory taxes

What's Mallard raving about today?

Confiscatory Taxes, Byzantine systems.

Let's examine, for a moment, Mallard's neologism (a check in a larger dictionary and I stand corrected) use of the term: confiscatory

The definition of confiscate is:

• surrendered as a penalty
• appropriated: taken without permission or consent especially by public authority; "the condemned land was used for a highway cloverleaf"; "the confiscated liquor was poured down the drain"
• impound: take temporary possession of as a security, by legal authority; "The FBI seized the drugs"; "The customs agents impounded the illegal shipment"; "The police confiscated the stolen artwork"
  

In Mallard's mind, I suppose he might argue that the middle definition is the one he was aiming at, since he clearly does not like paying taxes or thinks taxes are too high. But neither of those sentiments would make the system confiscatory.

Like it or not, Mallard consumes the services which our taxes pay for (Fire, Police, Roads, Military, etc.). which suggests at least tacit consent for the tax system of the nation in which Mallard has chosen to live.

Those damned emailers

What's Mallard raving about today?

Tax revenues, JFK, Ronald Reagan, this President.

We're back to the tax facts, having given those damned postal employees a good thrashing for two schizoid days. But Mallard's still arguing with his correspondents.

I don't have the time to look up tax revenue history, so I'll stipulate to Mallard's "fact". Even so, revenue is just a part of the equation, you also have to look at expenditures. Just ask any first year Business School student. Hell, ask any biped with a brain.

In that vein, only one President in history has raised lowered taxes during war time, removing a shared sense of national purpose, putting soldiers at increased risk, and asking our soldiers to bear the majority of the sacrifice...this President.

Those damned postal employees

What's Mallard raving about today?

Postal employees.

The best thing about this is that Mallard does not see a connection between the fact that he's constantly bitching about Federal employees in general (and Postal employees in specific) and the fact that his packages get mashed, unlike the rest of us.

Those damned stamps

What's Mallard raving about today?

Forever stamps, the USPS.

Truth be told, today's panel is not all that bad.

But since I am obligated to be snarky, couldn't Mallard take the time to place the damn ellipses where it belongs rhythmically, after the word "tomorrow"?

Also, we're done with the "tax facts" on April 12? That's, well, weird.

That damned baby

What's Mallard raving about today?

Anna Nicole Smith's baby, vehement tax-cut advocates, News organizations.

While I have to admit common cause with Mallard when it comes to coverage of Ms. Smith, I'd like to point out that the "facts" over the last 2 days have only been tangentially-related to taxes at best.

Those damned co-workers

What's Mallard raving about today?

Co-workers.

To paraphrase today's panel: I hate other people; just generally hate them, don't you?

Once again, Mallard proves that the biggest problem with him is not necessarily that he's a bitter right-wing crank, but just that he's a bitter crank.

Those damned people

What's Mallard raving about today?

Taxes, Many Americans.

Of course, Mallard provides absolutely no basis for his straw man claim. I could forgive him if the joke were even worth telling...it isn't.

That damned Easter

What's Mallard raving about today?

Easter, Straw Men.

Honestly, Easter is the highest Christian Holy Day and I think everyone is fairly aware of that fact and what the day signifies, so I challenge Mallard to identify anyone of any credibility making the claim that we should avoid mention of Christianity on Easter.

Beyond that, I have two other minor points to make.

First, Mallard's comment in the third "panel" eludes me. Is he making the claim that, historically, religion has always been a controversial topic? Considering the number of wars fought over religion in human history, I'd suggest that statement is hardly illuminating.

Second, despite my carping, I'm just happy for a respite from the Global Warming shtick.

Those damned scientists

What's Mallard raving about today?

Straw Scientists, Hollywood Celebrities, Global Warming.

Mallard's finally gone off the deep-end. After several weeks of trying to sustain this line of argument he's suggesting a Hollywood Cabal controls scientific "opinion."

Honestly, I have nothing to add to this panel, it speaks for itself.

Those damned penguins

What's Mallard raving about today?

Penguins, Hollywood, Global Warming.

Wow, this week just took a turn for the absurd...

First, Mallard admits that Global Warming is melting the polar ice caps. Then he goes off on a Penguin-exploitation-by-Hollywood tangent that you have to read to believe. Buried underneath all that is a rant about human causation of Global Warming. Or Hollywood. Or political correctness. Or Happy Feet. Maybe all of the above.

Does anyone know how many more days before Mallard starts ranting about Al Gore's testimony before Congress?

Those damned Professors

What's Mallard raving about today?

Straw men, NASA, the Sun, Hollywood Celebrities.

Speaking of things for which there is no evidence, let's mention Straw Professor who we are supposed to believe is a Climatologist or Meteorologist swayed by Hollywood celebrity rather than scientific evidence. As if the vast majority of scientists on the globe are under the sway of Hollywood and ignoring the reams of scientific evidence that Mallard and Newsmax alone seem privy to or able to correctly interpret.

Plus, no angry sun.

Those damned Danes

What's Mallard raving about today?

Global Warming, the Sun, Big Solar Energy Companies.

Just for luke, evil sun is back for another appearance. And I suspect we'll be seeing him for much of this week.

Yesterday I commented on one of the studies in the Newsmax article. The other one, the resulting in the Danish National Space Center footnote, comes to Newsmax courtesy of "Marc Morano, communications director for the U.S. Senate Committee on Environment & Public Works, on the committee’s Web site."

For reference, here are the titles of some of Mr. Morano's most recent postings to the committee's web site. See if you can spot any hint of bias:

Gore Refuses to take Personal Energy Ethics Pledge

Al Gore Continues to Demand Special Treatment

Scientific Smackdown: Skeptics Voted The Clear Winners Against Global Warming Believers in Heated NYC Debate

That damned Sun

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Sun, Global Warming, Hollywood, Rehab.

Unfortunately for Mallard his smear job against Global Warming, linking it with Hollywood celebrities, is not going to work these days, since he is actually in the distinct minority with his Flat Earth beliefs.

According to Fox News (yes, Fox News) :

...77 percent of Americans believe global warming is happening and, of those, more than twice as many think it is caused by human behavior (46 percent) than by normal climate patterns (17 percent). About a third says it is a combination of both (30 percent).

Mallard is going to need new talking points, and might want to look to a source a bit more reliable than Newsmax.com for scientific information.

For example, the Newsmax article is based in part on a report from National Geographic featuring the following which did not appear in the Newsmax article.

"His views are completely at odds with the mainstream scientific opinion," said Colin Wilson, a planetary physicist at England's Oxford University. "And they contradict the extensive evidence presented in the most recent IPCC [Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change] report."

Amato Evan, a climate scientist at the University of Wisconsin, Madison, added that "the idea just isn't supported by the theory or by the observations."

Perhaps the biggest stumbling block in Abdussamatov's theory is his dismissal of the greenhouse effect, in which atmospheric gases such as carbon dioxide help keep heat trapped near the planet's surface. He claims that carbon dioxide has only a small influence on Earth's climate and virtually no influence on Mars. But "without the greenhouse effect there would be very little, if any, life on Earth, since our planet would pretty much be a big ball of ice," said Evan, of the University of Wisconsin.

Jay Kennedy

What's Mallard talking about today?

The recently deceased Jay Kennedy.

No smart-ass comments today; 51 is just too young.

Those damned proctologists

What's Mallard raving about today?

Average people, washed-up celebrities, reality-shows, proctologists, Gary Coleman.

Apparently Mallard is dissatisfied with television. Stop the presses.

And yet, a syndicated cartoonist whose panel hangs on whether or not the reader will find "So You Think You're A Proctologist" witty should not be throwing stones at other people, in terms of quality.