That damned Constitution

What's Mallard raving about today?

U.S. Students, U.S. Constitution.

This year my costume is something really scary...the Bush Administration's trampling of the U.S. Constitution.

Those damned Official Blacks

What's Mallard raving about today?

Official Black People, Liberals, Justice Clarence Thomas.

Yesterday's Straw Liberal was apparently too realistic, so Mallard had to take this self-revealing idiocy even further.

That damned Clarence Thomas

What's Mallard raving about today?

Clarence Thomas, Liberals.

This is one of my favorite Mallard themes, that there is something hypocritical about Liberal opposition to certain Black people, such as our unqualified Supreme Court Justice, Clarence Thomas.

The implicit baseline assumption, of course, is that Straw Liberal is unable to form an opinion based on a set of criteria more complicated than a skin color equation which boils down to Black = good. A claim which is, of course, completely undermined by the mere admission that Liberals oppose Justice Thomas.

By contrast, this theme tells us oceans about how Mallard's forms his own opinions.

That damned repetition

What's Mallard raving about today?

China.

Shorter Mallard Fillmore: Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah. Blah, blah. Made in China.

Those damned presents

What's Mallard raving about today?

Vietnamese, Gentiles, Bar Mitzvahs.

Mallard's Dissociative Break Week continues.

I have absolutely no idea what to say, except: Has anyone referred to themselves as a "gentile" since, like, 100AD?

Those damned lyrics

What's Mallard raving about today?

Lyrics, cultural barometers.

Mallard does not seem to understand the difference between being interrupted by a question and censoring yourself. And that's the aspect of today's panel that makes the most sense.

That damned bumper sticker

What's Mallard raving about today?

China, Volvos.

This is vintage Mallard.

First you have the amazing self-absorption inherent in assuming everyone knows what bumper sticker he is referring to, you know, the one that pisses him off so much.

Next you have the carefully-chosen detail that the sticker is to be found on Volvos, which I assume is code for something, but I am not privy to his fevered imagination, so I don't know what. But let's assume that in Mallard's world, Volvo's entire customer base is Liberals, the French, or Liberal French people.

Then we have a murky juxtaposition between that sticker and the Chinese Olympics. Though the parallel is impenetrable.

Finally we have the delusion of grandeur, in which Mallard appears to be making an utterly futile call for a boycott of the Olympics. Modeled no doubt after Bill O's famously effective French boycott.

Those damned human rights

What's Mallard raving about today?

China, human rights.

A duck who wants to lock up anyone who looks like a terrorist is lecturing China on human rights.

That damned appendix

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Appendix, the United Nations.

Mallard is sometimes so illiterately stupid, he's brilliant.

The United Nations is like a part of your body that was once considered useless, but is now believed to produce and protect good germs for your gut.

In other words, some people believe The United Nations to be useless but it is, in fact, very useful.

Congratulations, Mallard, for managing to make the exact opposite point you were trying to make.

That damned Hillary Costume

What's Mallard raving about this week?

Hillary Clinton.

Oh, man, it's going to be a long stretch between now and Hallowe'en, with Mallard baselessly asserting that people are "scary" just because he says they are. And yet, President Bush and Vice President Cheney, whose popularity actually qualifies them as scary, will never appear.

Also, caricatures. Lots and lots of bad caricatures.

At least in today's panel Mallard mistakenly manages to indict The Media for their tiny-minded participation in right-wing ad hominem attacks on Hillary's laugh.

Those damned studies

What's Mallard raving about today?

Education.

We're back to this again?

Since Mallard's already covered this ground, and since it is a topic that barely needed to be mentioned once, let alone twice...I am going to satisfy myself by just pointing out that Mallard does not understand the use of quotation marks, placing them around both "funding" and "study."

That damned market

What's Mallard raving abut today?

The Media, the Market.

I didn't know my TV is more likely to report market plunges than market records. But, a cartoon duck assured me it is true, and cartoons are never wrong.

That damned goalie

What's Mallard raving about today?

The US Soccer Team's goalie, Racism, the Media.

Never in a million years would I have guessed that the stresser for Mallard recent dissociative break was the U.S. Women's Soccer Team's Goalie.

I have no idea what the hell he's referring to, and I sure as hell am not going to look it up, but if anyone cares to elaborate in the comments, have at it.

I sometimes mock Mallard's claim that he speaks for the "common man." But I will admit he's common in at least a couple ways: he's places too much of his own emotional well-being at the mercy of the vicissitudes of sports and he will apparently watch whatever the hell comes on TV.

That damned Page B-34

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Media

Mallard, people in glass journalistic houses should not throw stones.

Merely stating that something is fact does not make it fact. Even citing a single instance which seems to support your claim, cannot suddenly make it an irrefutable truth.

For example:

I seem to recall seeing something on the front page of the New York Times recently about how Iran is a Big Threat and must be dealt with before Something Bad happens. Given that the source of this information is an Administration which made similar claims about Iraq which turned out to be false, most "liberals" are highly skeptical of this claim and the main supporters of war with Iran are "conservatives".

Ergo: The New York Times is a conservative paper.

See how easy it is to play that game?

That damned Left Lean

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Media.

The idea of the media "leaning left" is actually undermined by the fact that the newscaster is leaning stage left, right to the user. None of which even takes into account the fact that I don't believe one's political tendencies causes people to, literally, tilt to one side or the other.

Oh, and I object to the term "News" being applied to Fox.

That damned Media Matters

What's Mallard raving about today?

Bill O'Reilly, Media Matters for America.

There's so many delicious things to choose from here, but I am traveling and have limited time so, I will leave most of it to commenters, who will do a better job of going after this one than I can. I know we've all been waiting for Mallard to leap to the Right-Wing Water Carriers' defense, though of course, I figured it would be Rush Limbaugh first.

That said, I will demand that someone pull out the Stephen Colbert quote, which encapsulated this better than anything, and post it in the comments.

And for the record, Mallard giving Bill O'Reilly advice and comfort on what it means to have "arrived" is hilarious. Given his definition, I think it's safe to say Mallard is still "in transit."

Those damned people

What's Mallard raving about today?

Harry Potter, Reality TV, Geography.

Mallard Fillmore interrupts your day to bring you this important news flash!

People will learn something that interests them more rapidly than something that doesn't.

In other news, men are attracted to attractive women.

We now return you to your regularly schedule self-flagellation over the fact that you read Mallard Fillmore each day.

Those damned Humvees

What's Mallard raving about today?

Humvees, Celebrities.

Wow, what a mess of overlapping complaints today's panel is.

First, as far as a setup for a joke goes, finally providing adequate armor for the troops in Iraq is in seriously bad taste. (If that is indeed happening and I don't have time to check the veracity of Mallard's statement.)

Second, by hip-hoppers does he mean Rap artists or just your average urban youth? If he means Rap Artists...why don't they count as celebrities? If not, does Mallard really imaging urban youths are the main drivers of Humvees. Seems like the main drivers are the kids of rich over-indulgent parents and men for whom car size = penis size.

Third, gas-guzzlers? Is that environmentalism creeping in there? Isn't it our duty as Americans to use as much oil as possible, just to prove those damned tree huggers wrong?

Fourth, don't we have enough stuff going on here without confusing the issue with a complaint about Rap lyrics?

Finally, while this comic may appear on the editorial page, that doesn't mean you need to use as much text as an editorial.

That damned Flipping

What's Mallard raving about today?

Reality TV.

With that much text on the page, is it too much to ask for it to make some God damned sense?

Those damned houses

What's Mallard raving about today?

Reality TV, Holiday Inn Express.

Three things leap to mind:

1. The housing market is collapsing and there were over 200,000 foreclosures last month. And this is Mallard's real-estate tip?
2. I'm not sure Mallard understands the concept of flipping a house.
3. Mallard watches too much TV. Way too much TV.
   

That damned Media

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Media, Senator Clinton.

Confession time. I don't really follow the news, except what I can get through The Daily Show. Ninety percent of the time, I have to do a search to find reference to whatever story Mallard is raving about. In order for me to be aware of a news story, it has to be widely reported, on the order of O.J. Simpson or Senator Larry Craig.

And yet, I know that a Democratic fundraiser was arrested on a theft charge and is suspected of campaign-finance violations.

You're going to have to trust me here, I know. But the mere fact that I can tell you that proves that Mallard is full of crap. Which, of course, is probably not new news to anyone either.

That damned Osama Bin Laden

What's Mallard raving about today?

Osama Bin Laden, Columbia University.

More than 6 years after the attack on the World Trade Center, someone remind me...why is it that the United States is sill looking for Osama Bin Laden?

You'd think a reasonably competent leader would have found him by now.

That damned Barbarian

What's Mallard raving about today?

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Columbia University.

Kaitlyn wins a prize!

I'm actually surprised that he's not pissed about right-wing speakers getting pied and Ahmadinejad not, of course, he's a leader of a country and all the security would have been tighter.

I'd like to also point out Mallard's rather conspicuous epithet ("the Barbaric Iranian President") as another example of the rhetorical games he plays.

Mr. Ahmadinejad may well be barbaric and he may not be. American Media and Government insure that we only know of him what they would like us to know. Either way, Mallard's casual use of the epithet, as if it were a known and incontrovertible fact, bespeaks an intellect as empty as his rhetoric.

That damned Ahmadinejad

What's Mallard raving about today?

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Rodents.

Is it just me, or would this caricature look like Abraham Lincoln, if Mallard put a stove-top hat on him? Except for the deformed index finger, of course.

Those damned steroid-using dogs

What's Mallard raving about today?

Michael Vick, Tim Donaghy, Steroids.

What happened, Mallard? Couldn't figure out how to weave a reference to Boise State into this curmudgeonly tapestry?

Those damned extremists

What's Mallard raving about today?

Supermodels, bears.

"...the dumpster-raiding and home-invading of a few extremist radical bears is causing us to stereotype he entire bear community. Is that what America is all about?"

In point of fact, no. It is not what America is all about.

If it were what America were all about, the entire country would be in the process of rounding up every bear it could find and moving them to Relocation Centers.

Or, for example, we'd be profiling Christians because of the actions of Eric Rudolph, Michael Griffin, Rev. Paul Hill, Clayton Waagner, James Kopp, and John Salvi.

Luckily for us, the better angels of our nature have generally kept such things from happening.

As opposed to your nature, Mallard, in which everyone who does not act in absolute lock-step with you is an enemy or a traitor.

"Urp" indeed.

Those damned Bairs

What's Mallard raving about today?

Supermodels, Causes, Bears.

Uh...it's spelled B-E-A-R.

If you aren't clever enough to come up with a phony acronym that actually works, that should tell you something.

Those damned bears

What's Mallard raving about today?

Supermodels, "causes".

Of course, what's best about this is the implicit assumption that only left-wing celebrities have "causes" because support for something like the Christian Coalition, Operation Rescue, or the NRA is, of course, not a cause.

That damned vacation

What's Mallard raving about today?

Supermodels, Bulimia.

Seriously, I'm on vacation. Move along.

That damned Purge

What's Mallard raving about today?

Supermodels, lips.

Wow.

Does anyone mind if I take the week off?

Those damned models

What's Mallard raving about today?

Supermodels.

Do you think Mallard survive the inevitable firestorm of outrage generated by speaking truth to supermodel power?

Oh, and puns on bulimia are just hilarious.