That damned Year

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, President Bush

Which would make it, what, the 20th year of the Clinton economy? Except for those good years when Clinton was President, which were years 9-15 of the Reagan Presidency, right?

That damned Party

What's Mallard raving about today?

Office Parties

Mallard's concept of Office parties is straight out of the 50's. Big surprise.

Those damned Moralists

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hollywood, Child Molestation

I would like to point out to Mallard that, while he feels he is scoring some political points by highlighting child molestation in Hollywood (a favorite bête noire), by the calculus he is proposing (indict 100% of a cohort in which some are guilty of child molestation) we must indict 100% of College Football, one of his favorite things in the world, as well as College Basketball and the Catholic Church. Plus, you know, Parents.

Look, Mallard, we can condemn child molesters and those who harbor them without bringing cheap political points of view into this. I mean, we can. You, apparently, can't because you are a soulless ideologue.

Those damned Executives

What's Mallard raving about today?

Penn State, Child Molesters

WTF?

That damned Return

What's Mallard raving about today?

Returns, Marriage

You SEE people! The Gays RUINED marriage and forced this lady to return her husband to the store! We warned you!

That damned Scandal

What's Mallard raving about today?

Eric Holder, President Obama

The approaching New Year gives Mallard a chance to reflect on scandals that no one but he and Fox cared about. Way to be relevant, there, Mallard.

Merry Christmas!

Mallard Fillmore spends almost every day of the year being a hateful prick who is the antithesis of what Christ and Christianity stand for ("love thy neighbor as thyself").

So enjoy today when he blandly quotes the Gospel according to Luke, wishes you a happy Christmas, and shows himself reading a book which we are supposed to believe is The Bible, but is more likely Atlas Shrugged, in anticipation of going back to hating everyone but the 1% tomorrow.

In a more general sense, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Joyous Kwanzaa, or Happy Holidays. Choose one. (But if you make the wrong choice, immediately declare War on Christmas.)

Christmas Eve

Right on schedule, Mallard trots out his piety with a dose of the martyr.

Everyone have a Merry Christmas.

That damned Newt

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Newt Gingrich

Is that the same Newt Gingrich who has slipped behind Ron Paul in Republican polls?

Happy Festivus, everyone!

That damned Man

What's Mallard raving about today?

The NBA

Mallard Fillmore: Parochial idiot.

(For the record, I really didn't care if there was an NBA season. But that doesn't mean I am so stupid as to believe my own views are majority views.)

That damned Nose

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Republican Presidential candidates

I assume we all understand what Mallard is getting at, despite the words he used, which frankly make no sense whatever.

But I wouldn't worry too much, Mallard. I'm sure if Teabaggers hold the Middle Class hostage one more time, voters will come around.

That damned Election

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Presidential Election

Apparently Mallard came up with one fewer ideas than he needed to cover the pre-Christmas publishing schedule, so he dusted off something he wrote earlier and submitted it.

On the other hand, not offensive and something recognizable as a joke.

Those damned Catalogs

What's Mallard raving about today?

Catalogs

Mallard's Season of Petty gripes continues unabated.

And, you filthy Secular Humanist Atheist, it's Christmas Safety Tips, not Holiday Safety Tips.

Those damned Accusations

What's Mallard raving about today?

Santa Claus, Reindeer, Sexual Harassment

Your defense of Herman Cain is that everyone is guilty of Sexual Harassment and has just not been accused yet? Really? That's what you're going with?

That's almost as good as Cain's defense that an infinite number of women could accuse him, but only a handful have, so as a percentage he's quite a noble guy.

Truly astounding, the way the Modern Conservative "mind" works.

Those damned Economists

What's Mallard raving about today?

Occupy Wall Street

And yet, Mallard only supports the 1%. Go figure.

That damned Halftime Show

What's Mallard raving about today?

Tim Tebow

What if Tim Tebow was Muslim. You can just imagine the weeks long tirade Mallard would go on for being open about his religion.

Oh, and Mallard? Free speech gives Tim Tebow the same right to wear his religion on his sleeve as it gives anyone else to criticize him.

Why are Christians so thin-skinned?

That damned Stuff

What's Mallard raving about today?

Occupy Wall Street

Mallard Fillmore: confusing assertions for facts since 1994.

That damned Age

What's Mallard raving about today?

Kids, Santa

I keep thinking this can't get any worse. And I'm always wrong about that.

Mallard is a joyless spite-filled waterfowl.

Meta-Post: 2000 Posts

Just noticed that yesterday's post was the 2,000th since I started this blog. Hard to believe I've subjected myself to that much Mallard Fillmore.

Same goes for you guys. Thanks for reading and feel free to describe how reading Mallard Fillmore this long has affected you!

That damned Creep

What's Mallard raving about today?

Santa Claus

We continue with Day 13 of A Very Special Mallard Fillmore Christmas.

That damned Gift

What's Mallard raving about today?

Gifts, Women

Mallard continues his assault on Christmas with the double-pronged attack of

1. Using the politically-correct "Holidays" rather than calling it Christmas
2. Being a complete and total asshole, without a single redeeming quality

That damned Part

What's Mallard raving about today?

Christmas Pageants

I will not be lectured to by someone who is also warring against Christmas.

That damned Planet

What's Mallard raving about today?

Re-Gifting

Short, incomprehensible, not funny. At least one of those is new to Mallard Fillmore.

That damned Tip

What's Mallard raving about today?

Gifts

Holiday Tip? Don't you mean Christmas tip?

That damned Tableau

What's Mallard raving about today?

Christmas Decorations

Mallard Fillmore believes people buy new Christmas decorations every single year and when the economy is bad can't afford them. In other words, Mallard Fillmore doesn't understand the economy, human beings, or (really) anything.

Also, Mallard why do you hate Jesus? How dare you speak of a Holiday Tableau! It's a Christmas Tableau you evil, Anti-American atheist.

That damned Cat

What's Mallard raving about today?

Cats, Holidays, Reindeer

So, apparently, Mallard Fillmore is going to complain about animals dressed as reindeer until Christmas.

This is a metaphor for the Modern Republican party, however.

• Elevating fake cultural trends to emergency status to rile up supporters and make them easy to manipulate
• Intolerant to the point of biliousness over anything with which they do not agree
• Joyless
• Filibustering everything (including the days leading up to Christmas)
• Obsessed with reindeer

I may have made that last one up.

That damned Percentage

What's Mallard raving about today?

Dogs, Holidays, Government Money

Wow, apparently this "holiday gifts suck" sequence was the longest (and most boring) lead-in to the lamest punchline ever.

That damned Dog

What's Mallard raving about today?

Pets, Holidays

Considering she apparently has not slept since Halloween, I think that dog may be in error.

I say "dog" based on textual evidence. The drawing suggest the artist has only heard what a dog is, but has never actually seen one.

That damned Scent

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Holidays, Glade Air Freshener

Can I confess that I tuned into Mallard Fillmore today anticipating a Sunday respite from Mallard's unremitting Holiday gloom.

Sadly...

That damned Fragrance

What's Mallard raving about today?

Gifts, Frangarnce

Mallard knows what men who haven't bathed smell like.

Those damned Makers

What's Mallard raving about today?

Christmas, Gifts, Toasters.

Mallard Fillmore hates toasters. Seriously, is Mallard attempting to bore his audience to death?

Those damned Sweaters

What's Mallard raving about today?

Sweaters

Someone let Bill O'Reilly and Fox know that the real war on Christmas is being waged by Mallard Fillmore, who is doing his level best to suck every ounce of joy out of the season.

Honestly, I don't know how much longer I can take this stream of unremitting gloom.