That damned Ceiling

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Debt Ceiling

When?

When you buy a house. Or a car. Or put something on your credit card.

The point Mallard is not that the government should never rack up debt. It should rack up debt only for the right thing. You know, things which don't include:

• Unnecessary Tax Breaks for Millionaires & Billionaires which do nothing to stimulate the Economy
• A Drug Benefit Program, unpaid for, written by and for the benefit of drug companies
• Unnecessary Wars with no end in sight

That damned Golf

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama

So we're making fun of President Obama for golfing now?

Really scraping the bottom of the barrel, eh?

That damned Candidate

What's Mallard raving about today?

Mitt Romney, GOP Candidates

What they mean by "presidential" is that by contrast to the other GOP candidates, he's not bat-shit insane.

What they mean by "flip-flopper" is that he is now doing his best to appear as bat-shit insane as the rest of the GOP candidates, because that's what Republican voters like you want.

What any of this has to do with President Obama is something known only to Mallard, of course.

One can guess that he thinks it's automatically hilarious to insinuate a pejorative about President Obama, regardless of whether there's anything truthful (or funny) about it. For this reason, no one ever describes Mallard Fillmore as "funny".

That damned Reason

What's Mallard raving about today?

Anthony Weiner

There is no reason, by contrast, for anything Mallard Fillmore does, ever.

That damned Helmet-Cam

What's Mallard raving about today?

Helmet-Cams

Mallard Fillmore has officially lost his mind.

That damned Recognition

What's Mallard raving about today?

GOP Candidates, Anthony Weiner

Mallard Fillmore, ladies and gentleman...the only entity alive unable to actually generate humor from the Anthony Weiner saga! You must be so proud.

That damned Poll

What's Mallard raving about today?

NBC News, President Obama

Given that the majority of all Americans agree with that statement, results tend to be skewed in that direction anyway.

Which makes your pretend poll results a lot less shocking than my pretend poll, in which I found that 100% of Fox employees, as a condition of employment, must accept that President Obama is a Kenyan-born Marxist, who is literally bent on destroying America, probably the Anti-Christ, and even if he weren't all those things, still less qualified to be President than a boiled potato who belonged to the Republican Party.

If media bias ever existed (and truthfully the meme of Liberal Media bias can be traced back to Nixon and his paranoid brain), it is no longer a driving force behind Corporate-driven News, whose bias is toward whatever suits the parent company.

So, in summary, you're an idiot.

That damned Male

What's Mallard raving about today?

Anthony Weiner

Great example today of why, even when Mallard Fillmore is not being a lying propaganda tool, it's still such a pile of crap.

On the surface, it appears this woman is sending out the message in question, rather then receiving it. Of course, just the opposite is true.

It also appears Mallard doesn't actually understand Twitter and is confusing it with some sort of dating site.

That damned Development

What's Mallard raving about today?

Honestly, after the lightweight display put on by the Media during the Weiner saga, this is the best you can do?

That damned Apology

What's Mallard raving about today?

Anthony Weiner

Using a young child to make a "joke" about sending pictures of a boner out via Twitter isn't creepy at all.

That damned Economy

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Economy, President Obama.

Yeah, so where's all those jobs the GOP promised in the mid-terms Mallard? Too busy attacking women, the Middle Class, and unions to get around to creating jobs, are you?

Besides, most people still blame President Bush for the economy, something you, oddly, never did while he was in office driving the economy off the cliff.

Father's Day

Happy Father's Day, everyone.

As a present to the Dads out there, I'd suggest you give yourself a present and not read Mallard Fillmore today, because I'm fairly certain you're not the kind of Dad a child can look up to, in Mallard's estimation.

Those damned Careers

What's Mallard raving about today?

Education, Engineering, Psychology

Fresh off mocking Social Networking, Mallard Fillmore (who regularly derides Higher Education) reads USA Today and finds out the Engineers, such as those responsible for building Social Networks, earn much more than he does.

Psychology majors do as well, but who's counting?

That damned Social Networking

What's Mallard raving about today?

Social Networking.

Could it be that Mallard is pissing and moaning about LinkedIn's IPO? The timing is about right...but that would be pretty damned hilarious, when you think about it.

Mallard Fillmore, who contributes negative value every day of his life, complaining that LinkedIn's IPO was over-valued, or questioning whether it had value at all.

Plus, what kind of Marxist Free Market hater is Mallard anyway?

Those damned Benefits

What's Mallard raving about today?

Relationships.

Mallard, when making a joke about "virtual" relationships, it works best if the people are not in the same physical space.

Also, never, never, never, never, never, never, never make me think of sex while reading Mallard Fillmore again.

That damned Phenomenon

What's Mallard raving about today?

Television, Oprah Winfrey

Seriously? Mallard Fillmore is criticizing people for watching too much TV? Do I really need to count the number of panels so far this year in which he's been plopped in front of the TV?

Not to mention...you missed the whole Oprah phenomenon? That doesn't mean you don't watch daytime TV; it means you live with your head up your ass.

And finally, what an elitist jerk.

That damned Time

What's Mallard raving about today?

Oprah, Reading

Yeah, I have no idea what this is about, except to say that Mallard is a smug Elitist.

An Elitists who can't really write a coherent sentence, but...

That damned Debate

What's Mallard raving about today?

Republican Debate, Reality TV

In fairness, Mallard, the people appearing on The Bachelorette are less bat-shit insane than those appearing in the Republican debate.

Which, I suppose, would be a reason to prefer the Republican Primary as your viewing pleasure if it were a reality TV show, except that it's far too mean-spirited towards average Americans and turns off viewers.

On an unrelated note, good luck in 2012!

That damned Live-Tweet

What's Mallard raving about today?

Twitter

Isn't that cute, Mallard is trying to appear relevant in Modern society.

Those Damned Nazis

What's Mallard raving about today?

Nazis, Democrats

A Google search to attempt to figure out what Mallard is referring to yields links to articles about a Republican Representative publicly making a Gestapo reference regarding Education reform.

Further down the page, you can also find that a Republican claims a teacher sent him an Email similarly comparing Education reform to the Holocaust.

Republican representative making a public statement vs. an Email from a teacher.

Those Liberals have no shame!

What's Mallard raving about today?

GOP Candidates, Racism, The Media

Mallard, it's a lovely persecution complex you have going here. Part of the grievance-based ideology, I understand.

But here's my challenge to you: List specific incidents in which a GOP candidate said something that was decried in a mainstream media source as racist code or being dog whistle politics, and let's analyze what was said and see if the answer is for the media to stop decrying harmless things as racism or maybe, just maybe, the answer is for GOP candidates to stop saying things that are racist in nature.

I'm willing to take my chances on which of those proves to be true.

Unfortunately such a challenge is doomed from the start, since the usual standard for analysis is whether a reasonable person would find it racist. Mallard will, of course, insist he is a proxy for all reasonableness, and doesn't find the phrase "food stamp President" racist in any way: "What could possibly be racist about that? There are white people on food stamps. And some of my best friends are black."

That damned Code

What's Mallard raving about today?

GOP Candidates, Elections, The Media.

Mallard Fillmore breaks open a major case! How can everyone not be talking about this?

I mean it's not like GOP candidates are calling President Obama a "food stamp President" or anything like that!

That damned Show

What's Mallard raving about today?

Reality T.V.

Hey, Mallard, are you talking to the same people who need a break, not a lecture? Because, you know, your ongoing diatribe against Reality TV sounds to me like a self-superior lecture.

Plus, why do you hate the Free Market?

That damned Week

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hats

No. But I have something against heavy-lidded leering from dead-eyed waterfowl.

That damned Longing

What's Mallard raving about today?

Donald Trump, The Media.

Don't fret, Mallard. They're busy chasing Anthony Weiner's weiner.

Those damned Rankings

What's Mallard Fillmore raving about today?

Education

The fact that any school anywhere invited Mallard Fillmore to give their commencement address pretty much explains those other statistics.

It's important also not to mention the fact that Republicans have been largely in charge of government during this slide. Because, clearly, this is all the Democrat's fault.

That damned Tweet

What's Mallard raving about today?

Social Media, Republican Presidential nominees.

Hey, GOP. When a lickspittle like Mallard Fillmore thinks your candidates are lame, you're in real trouble. Real. Trouble.

If you actually care about the deficit, how about just admitting you're going to get your ass handed to you and donate all your campaign funds to deficit reduction instead?

That damned iPhone

What's Mallard raving about today?

iPhones, Race

Most tortured metaphor ever.

That damned Guy

What's Mallard raving about today?

Commercials

First off, Mallard...turn off the TV. We have no idea what you are talking about.

Second, why do you hate the Free Market?

Third, you've been a lick spittle for the Insurance industry since President Obama took office...do your corporate masters know you're criticizing them now?

What's Mallard raving about today?

Osama, President Obama, Hillary Clinton

Wow, OK...really? This is the best you got?

Well, at least with this feeble effort, Mallard is admitting that President Obama is going to be re-elected, if his biggest worry is the non-existent possibility of a challenge from Hillary Clinton.