That damned Howard Dean

What's Mallard raving about today?

Walter Williams, Howard Dean.

Three days into this "storyline" and Mallard already thinks it's a grass roots movement?

Someone has a seriously over-inflated ego.

That damned Walter Williams

What's Mallard raving about today?

Walter Williams, the Media, running for President.

Last night at my usual time I went online to find today's installment of the deranged duck and it did not show up. All I could think is that "the man" was preventing Mallard from threatening an African-American. Except, of course that Mary Worth and Apartment 3G did not show up either. So the man was also thwarting meddlesome retirees who are currently visiting Vietnam and a trio of spunky New Yorkers who should be lesbians, but aren't.

At any rate, now that we find out the little "twist" in Mallard's fiendish publicity stunt, I have to say it's even lamer than I'd feared. And, for what it is worth, this does not technically constitute a threat.

About the only thing I feel compelled to mention about today's panel is that I am not sure what the hell being a bon vivant has to do with anything. Unless, of course, we consider the distinct possibility that Mallard does not actually know what bon vivant means. Perhaps Mr. Williams spends his time "guest hosting" for Rush Limbaugh talking about food and wine?

That damned media

What's Mallard raving about today?

African-Americans, the Media.

Oh, Christ. It's going to be a long week.

That damned anticipation

What's Mallard raving about today?

Remotes, pillows, the Super Bowl.

To summarize: Mallard is excited about the Super Bowl. Thanks for sharing.

Things worth noting, as they provide a glimpse into the mind and character of Mallard:

• Mallard's barely contained rage at his remotes.
• Mallard confuses fluffing pillows with tossing them.
  
• Mallard presents his ass to the reader.
• Shall we assume that is not a soda he is drinking?

One final note. I am prepared to be convinced, should a commenter want to take a stab at this, that this panel is not, in fact, about the Super Bowl, but is actually a screed concerning Big Government and the wastefulness of the Emergency Broadcast System.

That damned logic

What's Mallard raving about today?

Dog-eating Chinese people, innumerable sources, crazy illogical people.

Just yesterday, I asserted that Mallard's final sentence was "the single most unhinged rambling ever published in comic form."

One day later, Mallard outdoes himself in the most impressive manner imaginable, further proves that this comic is little more than a parochial vanity exercise, and confirms in grand style what commenter Chance said:

This is a goddamn poorly executed scribble of a duck head poking out under lines and lines of crazed rambling that one might find on the blog of a repressed 14 year old who just discovered that there are people who don't believe in what his daddy taught him.

At least this probably represents the end of this particular thread which (I feel compelled to remind everyone) began by superimposing Rex Morgan, MD's head on a fat Chinese kid and yet somehow managed to become more absurd.

Those damned asterisks

What's Mallard raving about today?

The F.D.A., pet obesity, Chinese obesity, dog-eating.

This panel would only be half as appalling if I didn't realize that Mallard spent two days on a rambling, incoherent lead-in to the rather flaccid joke that China's kids are obese because they are eating America's obese dogs. Not to mention the excessive use of "footnotes" (a term which can only be used loosely because attributing something broadly to USA Today can't be considered documenting your work).

The last paragraph deserves special mention as the single most unhinged rambling ever published in comic form. Rather than trying to justify his "joke" on the basis that it is grounded in fact, I'd prefer Mallard just bitch and moan about how he's been vilified for insinuating that the Chinese eat dogs.

Though it did make me wonder if somewhere in India there's an analogous comic in which a fuliguline Indian reporter rants about how cow-eating in America is rising, not falling.

That damned us

What's Mallard raving about today?

China, Obesity, Freedom, Democracy, Respect for Human Rights.

You think it "may be" something they picked up from us? For example, could the recent appearance of fast food franchises like KFC and McDonald's in China have anything to do with it? None of which explains the need to place "shocking" in quotes.

And what happened to Rex Morgan, MD? Why did he get replaced by this featureless blob?

That damned Rex Morgan, MD

What's Mallard raving about today?

Obesity in China, generic depictions of non-caucasians, Rex Morgan MD.

This panel raises two questions to which I don't believe there can possibly be a satisfactory answer:
1. Why Rex Morgan, the comic world's gayest doctor?
2. To be continued?

Those damned dogs

What's Mallard raving about today?

The F.D.A., obese dogs, the Media, callous Conservatives.

Poor persecuted Mallard, always being misunderstood by the Media.

But given the fact that Mallard's wearing magenta polka-dot jammies when he utters the fateful words about fat dogs, the only conclusion we can draw is that it's the eavesdropping NSA which leaked word of his dog-hating to the big bad Media.

So, apparently, this panel is a criticism of the Bush Administration's illegal eavesdropping policies.

Those damned coaches

What's Mallard raving about today?

Football season, coaches, cash.

For God's sake, Mallard said "To coaches" then got wrapped up in his bitching and moaning and forgot to end the sentence in a manner recognizeable to the English-speaking world.

Is it just me, or is Mallard getting more incoherent recently?

That damned Obama

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barak Obama, Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Milton Friedman.

I suppose the Republicans will be too busy saying "Republicans aren't ready to elect, Rudy Giuliani, a pro-choice, pro-gay rights candidate."

Perhaps Rush Limbaugh can attend the same speech class as Senator Kennedy, since he claims to have picked up this pronunciation problem directly from the Senator.

On an unrelated matter, Ted Kennedy appears to be a recycled WWII Tojo caricature? I'm not sure what a Boston Brahmin and a 1940s Japanese stereotype have in common, but whatever.

Mister Magoo died in November?

All kidding aside, after my own death, I would rather not be remembered at all than caricatured like that. I'm sure when Mallard reaches the afterlife, Mr. Friedman will punch him right in the bill.

Those damned African airplanes

What's Mallard raving about today?

E-mail scams, African airplanes.

Once again, it's not entirely clear that Mallard understands these emails are scams, which is disturbing in and of itself.

But, beyond that, the text in today's panel isn't even comprehensible. To paraphrase the panel's climax:

The risk is that Americans should quit flying around in Africa.

That makes no sense whatever, even from a simple grammatical standpoint.

Sometimes reading this panel makes my head hurt.

Those damned con men

What's Mallard raving about today?

E-mail con artists, Bono, African poverty.

Today's panel leaves us with two equally-disturbing possible interpretations:

1. Mallard does not realize these e-mails are from con artists and actually believes he has a solution to African poverty.
2. Mallard thinks it is funny to mock African poverty and Bono's attempts to eradicate it. As if that were not enough, he juxtaposes extreme poverty against his inconvenience at having to delete bogus email, as if the two are somehow equivalent in stature.

On the plus side, no poetry!

Those damned Wildcats

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Chicago Cubs, LA Clippers, and Kentucky Wildcats.

This panel illustrates exactly what is so desperately wrong about this vanity exercise masquerading as a comic.

Usually Mallard has a right-wing bias to it, which obviously irritates many people. But that bias is not what is wrong with Mallard Fillmore.

What's wrong is that it is just an excuse for Mallard to vomit up whatever is on his mind, no matter how parochial in nature, with absolutely no attempt at humor.

Those damned Bowl Games

What's Mallard raving about today?

Bowl Games, Boise State.

I truly love panels like this because it affirms that Mallard is not just an irrational, frothing-at-the-mouth, right-wing crank. In fact, he's an irrational, frothing-at-the-mouth, general purpose crank (with an admittedly right-wing bent).

That said the drawing of the bronco, whose head (or arms) appear to have been placed onto his body backwards, is just creeping me out.

That damned Fidel

What's Mallard raving about today?

Saddam Hussein, Fidel Castro.

While President Bush gears up his PR machinery for a war against Iran and Syria, the delusional Mallard is advocating for war against Cuba.

Enough said.

That damned Saddam Hussein

What's Mallard raving about today?

Saddam Hussein.

Mallard must have written this right after the news of Hussein's execution became public, assuming nothing bad could possibly come of Saddam Hussein's execution.

Little did he know...

Even more interesting, I was under the impression they planned to bury Hussein in an unmarked grave for obvious reasons. I didn't realize they were going to go so far as to disguise the grave by putting a picture of Tom Hanks from Castaway on the tombstone.

That damned Fox

What's Mallard raving about today?

The U.N., News Corporation, O.J. Simpson, CBS News, Lara Logan, Katie Couric, Bob Schieffer, Jim Axelrod.

Wow, Mallard goes after Rupert Murdoch's News Corporation, parent corporation of his beloved Fox News, for the OJ Simpson If I Did It book/program debacle!

You'd almost say that shows real stones, except then you realize that he names names in the other two predictions (the U.N., CBS News) and yet somehow manges to omit referencing News Corporation or Fox Broadcasting directly.

On the plus side, however, I didn't know who Lara Logan was, so I Googled her. Rowr!

That damned Ophelia Kretch

What's Mallard raving about today?

Network news, people with impossible-to-believe fake names.

I think Mallard's making some sort of comment about network news being inferior because it's taped and not live.

I think.

Really, though, all I can focus on is his gigantic feet and polka-dot sweater, both of which are really odd details to bother drawing.

Those damned networks

What's Mallard raving about today?

Fox News, CBS, ABC, NBC.

It's impossible to know exactly what data Mallard is referring to if he's even referring to specific data at all.

That said, the networks have been losing viewers to cable for years, so the fact that Mallard's just now noticing the waning primacy of the networks only shows how out of touch he is. Not to mention the fact that the networks would just as soon stop covering the news if they could, so this is an apples-to-kumquats comparison.

Also, you should feel free to ignore the fact that Fox News is losing viewers to direct competitors MSNBC and CNN. I'm shocked, shocked I tell you, that Mallard did not mention that fact.

Those damned Chinese

What's Mallard raving about today?

China.

I join Mallard. I resolve to stop buying blue-grey rectangles from China.

But I don't think China rhymes with use.

That damned media

What's Mallard raving about today?

The media, the mean and greedy G.O.P, Democrats.

It's ironic that the caricature looks like a young Brit Hume. Assuming, of course, you strapped a pair of testicles to his chin.

That damned NFL

What's Mallard raving about today?

The NFL, excessive celebration penalties.

This panel leaves me with nothing but unanswered questions. Why exactly does the NFL player look like he is praying? Why does Mallard like NFL players, but hate NBA players? Why doesn't the football player have a face mask? Has there ever been a poem with worse rhythm than this?

That damned Hillary Clinton

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hillary Clinton.

This panel is brilliant. Mallard can simply replace the unrecognizable caricature of Hillary Clinton and the name at the start of the panel and run the same cartoon for 2 weeks until he covers pretty much every potential Presidential candidate.

Those damned Hollywood celebrities

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hollywood celebrities, Hollywood celebrity children, researchers, the BCS, Chimpanzees.

If I ever wanted to show people quickly what's so special about Mallard Fillmore, this panel would make an excellent one-stop example.

There's the sophistry of his arguments. In this case Mallard suggests there is some irony in the fact that the Hollywood celebrities who mock family values raise messed up kids. In fact, however, it would only be ironic if the Hollywood celebrities lectured people about family values rather than mocking family values.

There's the over-simplification of an issue in an attempt to prove a point. Suggesting that all Hollywood celebrities raise messed-up kids ignores the fact that they probably raise the same percentage of messed up kids as any similar group, such as captains of industry (c.f., Paris Hilton, Andrew Luster) or politicians (c.f., Bush offspring). Additionally, it ignores the fact that perception is skewed by the increased publicity which attends celebrity and a healthy dose of schadenfreude.

There's the utterly baffling narrative. In this case it involves the existence of both anthropomorphic, super-intelligent, natty-blue-suit-wearing, Dr. Zaius-like apes in panel three and primeval chimpanzees in panel four.

There's offensiveness. In the most charitable possible reading of this panel, he's plagiarizing the recent Geico caveman ads. In the worst possible reading, Mallard is comparing minorities to chimps.

There's general crazy crankiness about nothing important (the BCS).

There's an excess of ellipses, most of which have four dots, rather than three.

And finally, although there is no unidentifiable caricature, the unbelievably lame artwork to illustrate Mallard out on a limb should more than suffice to make the point.

That damned NEA

What's Mallard raving about today?

The N.E.A., Teachers, Taxes.

I have to confess, attacking the N.E.A. always bemuses me. I understand that there's a right-wing bias against unions in general, but exactly whose sympathies are you supposed to be playing to? In a crowded room, how many people are going to agree with a cry of: "Fuck teachers!"

That damned NBA

What's Mallard raving about today?

Boxing, pay-per-view, the NBA.

I'm not sure I would say this is the best resolution Mallard could possibly make for himself in 2007.

Anyone out there got a better suggestion for self-improving the Duck?

Those damned PhDs

What's Mallard raving about today?

Folks with Ph.D.s in Education, arcane facts, McDonald's.

Well, if these folks got their degree in Education rather than "Education" maybe they'd be more qualified.

Almost as qualified as someone who doesn't know how to use the term "mull" correctly in a sentence. Unless Mallard intentionally did not say "mull over" because he actually meant to say that they were heating and adding sugar and spices to arcane facts.

Those damned donkeys

What's Mallard raving about today?

The new Congress, Middle-Class taxes, the Rich, the Poor.

Apparently a coalition consisting only of the ultra-rich and the ultra-poor got together and formed a voting bloc so large they managed to elect Democrats to Congress.

Those damned cows

What's Mallard raving about today?

Cows, the U.N., greenhouse gasses, flatulence.

Honestly, I think Mallard has gone off the deep end. This particular premise was idiotic the first time it appeared. But to have it show up twice, non-sequentially, simply boggles the imagination.

But since we're forced to be here again, let me try to make a few things clear to Mallard:

1. Statements of scientific fact are simply statements of scientific fact; attacking and mocking science just makes you look like a member of the Flat Earth Society.
   
2. The number of cattle in the world is actually a function of human activity.
3. The report Mallard keeps referencing is from 1994, for God's sake.
4. Hot air is not a greenhouse gas.
   

That damned Ahmadinejad

What's Mallard raving about today?

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the Holocaust, Pro Wrestling.

No one's going to argue that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a total nut job, albeit a scary-ass nut job who may or may not have a nuclear weapon.

That being said, the phrase "I resolve that no Holocaust happened" makes no sense whatsoever and makes it seems as if Mallard doesn't even know what the word "resolve" means or how to correctly use it in a sentence.

I also feel compelled to point out, in the category of almost certainly unintentional irony, the word "zeal" used by Ahmadinejad here derives from a first century AD Jewish movement which sought to incite revolt against the Romans.