That damned Heckle

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Joe Wilson.

How convenient. I can borrow Joe Wilson's own words to describe what Mallard Fillmore is saying today.

Mallard, you lie.

Those damned Millions

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teabaggers, The Media.

Lie #1 - The Media Ignored the Teabaggers. To paraphrase what Rick Sanchez at CNN said: They covered it; they did not promote it.

Lie #2 - A couple million. Thoroughly debunked idiocy.

Truth - When an entire political Party becomes so divorced from reality that they cannot even count, there is absolutely no reason to take any of their policy positions seriously. Which is not to say that the threat they pose to the country should not be taken seriously. Because they are clearly insane.

That damned Trust

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Media, Teabaggers.

Distrust in the Media is at an all-time high in part because they refuse to do their job and instead lend credence to sacks of crap willing to lie and say that 60,000-70,000 protesters were "a couple million" strong.

And we add to our "Murderer's Row" of Least Helpful Asterisk candidates this year, with one referencing claims which have already been thoroughly debunked.

Those damned Jobs

What's Mallard raving about today?

Jobs, Government.

Rather than dealing with the small portion which conforms to Mallard's pre-conceived ideology, let's look at what the article actually says:

The report, based on an analysis of federal jobs data, found that state and local governments steadily added jobs for eight months after the recession began in December 2007, with their employment peaking last August. State and local governments have since lost 55,000 jobs, but from the beginning of the recession through last month they gained a net of 110,000 jobs, the report found, in part because of the federal stimulus program.

A few observations:

1. 110,000 jobs in 19 months. Whoop-dee-freaking-doo.
2. 110,000 people still have jobs. Why? "...in part because of the federal stimulus program."
3. Mallard would be happier is 110,000 more people were out of work?

That damned Presidential Appointment

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Czars.

Those who remained silent during the Bush Administration have no standing to criticize now, no matter how many tears Glen Back sheds.

I'm Mallard Fillmore, and I can't think for myself.

That damned Obesity

What's Mallard raving about today?

Obesity, NBC News.

Seriously? This is what is pissing you off? Seriously?

That damned Czar

What's Mallard raving about today?

Van Jones, President Obama, Hugo Chavez.

"I am going to name three things I hate. Please make up your own joke because I can't be bothered."

That damned Poll

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Polls.

Man, remember how Mallard obsessed about Bush's approval rating as it slid to and stayed at historic lows over the course of his last term?

Yeah, me neither.

That damned Respect

What's Mallard raving about today?

Disney, Marvel.

Whatever drugs Mallard is taking make him delusional and really, really boring.

That damned Heart

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hulk, Disney.

One more of these and this is going into the Most Interminable Series Golden Ellipse category...if not because of duration, then because there was nothing to add after the first installment.

That damned speculation

What's Mallard raving about today?

Government.

When you are a fear monger who belongs to a tribe whose basic mode of operation is to act as if everything they say is true, facts be damned, it's not hard to think yourself Nostradamus.

Of course, it would be impossible to find examples of things Mallard tossed out that turned out to be rubbish.

That damned Hate

What's Mallard raving about today?

Readers, Mallard Fillmore, Hate.

Mallard has published 195 different strips on President Obama, amply demonstrating, in public, his feelings, whether you want to call it hatred, unhinged pants-wetting fear, or something else.

People have sent him letters asking about his very public record on this particular matter.

Mallard's response: They hate everyone with whom they disagree.

Crazy much?

That damned makeover

What's Mallard raving about today?

Senator Kennedy, The Media.

We finally emerge from the Great Television Moaning Period and are now going to enjoy Mallard's, no-doubt, classy treatment of the death of Senator Kennedy.

Strap yourselves in.

That damned Fall Season

What's Mallard raving about today?

Television.

Strangely enough, someday Historians will look back at the Teabaggers and the Summer of 2009 and wonder the same thing.

Fap! Fap! Fap!

Though you all might find this funny...plus I love Dean's Comic Booth.

That damned movie

What's Mallard raving about today?

Movies, Books.

Oh, please. I'm supposed to believe Mallard has read anything but Godless?

That damned Larry King

What's Mallard raving about today?

Disney, Marvel, Larry King.

Number of strips Mallard has done decrying the use of torture: 0.

Number of strips Mallard has done about the Marvel/Disney merger: 2 (so far).

Just saying.

That damned Hulk

What's Mallard raving about today?

Disney, Marvel.

For a guy who wants Free Market solutions to everything, Mallard bitches about what the Free Market does an awful lot.

That said, I confess I thought this topic, in the hands of someone who knew how to use language, would have been funny.

That damned Twitter

What's Mallard raving about today?

Twitter.

Guess who just discovered Twitter?

Guess who doesn't understand how Twitter works?

Those damned shows

What's Mallard raving about today?

Television.

People who sit like a lump in front of the TV, too lazy to change the channel, have no right to bitch about a lack of quality programming.

And, for God's sake, they are called "procedurals" not "autopsy shows" you dumbass.

That damned Czar

What's Mallard raving about today?

Czars.

Dude was obviously not a Bush crony, or he would have gotten his obligatory sinecure/czarship.

This, by the way, is how Mallard Fillmore chooses to mark the anniversary of September 11th. By whinging the insane rantings of the Fox Propaganda Network.

You stay classy, Patriot.

That damned responsibility

What's Mallard raving about today?

Personal responsibility.

From a perpetual victim, this is highly ironic.

That damned difference

What's Mallard raving about today?

Community Organizers, Talk Radio, Angry Mobs.

Mallard Fillmore: In Defense of Angry Mobs.

Those damned shows

What's Mallard raving about today?

Television.

Mallard bemoans the lack of creativity in television as he greedily absorbs all of the pablum it dishes out.

I'd say about self-awareness not being Mallard's strong suit, but that would imply he has a strong suit.

Those damned clunkers

What's Mallard raving about today?

Cash for Clunkers, Taxes.

I have no idea what Mallard's talking about. And, frankly, I am not interested in finding out today.

Have fun in the comments.

That damned Government

What's Mallard raving about today?

Government. Obesity, Prosperity.

How to tell Mallard Fillmore is nuts. "Lowering taxes on the wealthy helps the poor. I want people without insurance to die."

Straw men are fun...and easy to argue with.

That damned MSNBC

What's Mallard raving about today?

MSNBC, Climate Change, Astroturfers.

What? I mean...seriously. What?

That damned stupidity

What's Mallard raving about today?

Racism, President Obama.

Dueling straw men, and a comment on his own writing.

Those damned pants

What's Mallard raving about today?

Health Care, Teabaggers.

Government wears pants?

The only way it could not be people who "pay the bills" is if the protesters were made up of non-U.S. Citizens who live outside the U.S. Which would be a cool protest, in an ironic sort of way.

And remember...this rule only applies when protesting things Mallard disagrees with. Otherwise, you're just a dirty hippie.

That damned quote

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Healthcare.

Quotes are great fun when you take them out of context:

As I indicated before, I think that we’re going to have to have some system where people can buy into a larger pool. Right now their pool typically is the employer, but there are other ways of doing it. I would like to — I would hope that we could set up a system that allows those who can go through their employer to access a federal system or a state pool of some sort. But I don’t think we’re going to be able to eliminate employer coverage immediately. There’s going to be potentially some transition process. I can envision a decade out or 15 years out or 20 years out where we’ve got a much more portable system. Employers still have the option of providing coverage, but many people may find that they get better coverage, or at least coverage that gives them more for health care dollars than they spend outside of their employer. And I think we’ve got to facilitate that and let individuals make that choice to transition out of employer coverage.

That said, I refuse to grant the premise that our profit-motivated, employer-based health insurance system provides value.

Those damned Friends

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Health Care, Teabaggers

Right, the insane mobs are the victims.

And...

* Michele Malkin