That damned actual size

What's Mallard raving about today?

24, Hillary Clinton.

"Not Shown Actual Size"

You mean Mr. Surnow does not actually measure 165 pixels from chest to head? Thanks for the clarification.

Can I also assume, therefore, that he actually exists in 3 dimensions, not 2?

Should I also assume his neck and head are not actually so obviously penis-shaped...oh, wait a minute, I think I understand what Mallard was actually trying to say.

That damned L'Engle

What's Mallard raving about today?

Harry Potter, Madeleine L'Engle.

Everything you need to know about Mallard is encapsulated in the fact that he cannot praise A Wrinkle In Time without criticizing something else. In this case a series of books which made reading popular again...and kids.

Don't even get me started about the egomania on exhibit.

That damned triangulation

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hillary Clinton, Gender.

If I were a man. they'd just call it triangulation?

Unless Mallard is using the old "Men are better at Mathematics" stereotype, I have no idea what the hell he's talking about.

Not to mention the fact that this position of Hillary's is made up out of whole cloth.

Those damned girls

What's Mallard raving about today?

Girls.

I know what you mean Mallard.

After 43 straight female Presidents, it's shameless to treat a woman running for President as something special.

What we need is a stage full of rich white guys for a change of pace.

That damned Hillary

What's Mallard raving about today?

Senator Clinton.

It's a measure of just how painful the past week has been that I'm actually kind of grateful to see Mallard getting back to what he does best: putting a bunch of incoherent ramblings next to a dreadful caricature of a Democratic personality.

That damned commercial

What's Mallard raving about today?

Indianapolis Colts, Peyton Manning, Commercials.

If you'd spend 10 seconds away from the TV each day, Mallard, you might not be so put out by Peyton Manning making money off his fame.

Or is that the problem? Are you simply jealous because no one wants you as their spokesman?

Take heart. I'm sure the phone will ring soon.

Advertising agencies are always looking for the next cranky right-wing spokesfowl. Especially those who spend all of their free time in front of the TV, clad in pajamas, eating generic purple snacks, and sitting in a gray blob.

That damned Ethanol

What's Mallard raving about today?

Bill Buckley, Liberals, Ethanol.

You choose to honor the man by comparing him to Ethanol? I'd consider that damning with faint praise if not outright insulting the man.

How creepy is it that fanboi Mallard knows Mr. Buckley's birthday?

That damned College Football

What's Mallard raving about today?

The WGA, College Football.

Today's panel has me feeling amazed in two distinct ways.

First, despite knowing how much Mallard detests both Unions and Hollywood, I am still amazed at how much attention he's paying to the WGA strike.

Second, I'm amazed to hear him say "yet another great thing about College Football" given the fact that we've never heard Mallard say a single good thing about it. His only previous references to College Football have been complaints, usually about the BCS or Boise State.

That damned Thanksgiving

What's Mallard raving about today?

The WGA, Thanksgiving, Families.

People in glass houses should not throw stones.

That damned Sarkozy

What's Mallard raving about today?

France, Hell, Nicolas Sarkozy.

Doesn't the fact that France is suddenly on America's side mean that America is now an ally of The Terrorists?

How stupid are Mallard's actual readers that he feels the need to put the word "Hell" on the newspaper, as if someone might not get the "joke" otherwise.

That damned solidarity

What's Mallard raving about today?

The WGA.

Much like when openly admitting that he is (in the words of BillyWitchDoctor) "in freefalling mental decline and decades out of touch", Mallard is also oddly not ashamed to admit his comic strip is devoid of writers.

No shit.

That damned Stephen Colbert

What's Mallard raving about today?

Steven Colbert, The WGA.

I'm pretty sure the fact that The Colbert Report is in reruns just means Stephen Colbert, who is probably a member of the WGA (having been a writer on The Daily Show), is unwilling to cross the picket line.

You see, unlike some comic strips which will remain nameless, The Colbert Report uses multiple writers to maintain some sort of standards. For example, they generally won't discuss Thanksgiving leftovers, and if they do they will be funny about it.

Those damned Cave Pilgrims

What's Mallard raving about today?

Cavemen, Pterodactyls.

Complaining about leftovers? Seriously? Complaining about leftovers? You couldn't work Hillary into it somehow? What about liberal guilt over the treatment of Indians?

"Thanksgiving...the early days" involves Pilgrims and Indians, for Christ's sake.

Also, man and Pterodactyl (more correctly Pterosaur) are generally known to not have co-existed, since the Pterosaur is extinct by the end of the Cretaceous period, with no allowance made for the claims of those who believe the fossil record is there to test faith.

This is what happens when you take a perfectly-good straw liberal construct and try to use it for something general.

Those damned debates

What's Mallard raving about today?

Debates, Experts, TV Viewers.

Experts say that they can now predict with certainty that...the next presidential debate....will have more TV Viewers....than it has people onstage debatersing.

You're welcome.

That damned Hard Place

What's Mallard raving about today?

Confiscatory Taxes, Profligate Pending.

For Christ's sake, Mallard, do you not understand the English language?

When one is caught between a rock and a hard place, one is in a position where you have to choose between unpleasant alternatives.

This metaphor, in no way, describes the relationship between taxes and government spending. If anything, that is a cause-and-effect relationship.

Also, how stupid are your actual readers that you feel the need to put a "you are here" sign in?

Those damned stores

What's Mallard raving about today?

Electronics Stores.

I'm confused...where's the "Made in China" sign?

That damned Old Guard

What's Mallard raving about today?

Taxes, a brave band of Republican reformers.

I confess I was unaware there was a House Rule that enabled a small group of Congressmen to pass a bill when everyone else is laughing. Not to fear, however. The drunken sailor currently occupying the Oval Office would never allow anything that might curb his ability to spend the next 20 generations into poverty.

That damned AMT

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hobos, AMT.

Yeah, avoiding AMT is the toughest part about selling cans in order to stay alive.

But since you bring it up, if we assume this genetleman is married to a lovely hoboette and is selling cans for $0.05, he should be fine this year if he sells less than 4,000,000 cans. So if he can somehow avoid selling about 11,000 cans each day this year, he might avoid those nasty taxes.

Those damned scandals

What's Mallard raving about today?

NFL, NBA, Scandals.

Man 1: NFL!

Man 2: NBA!

Tiny Voice From Off-Panel: GOP!

Ding, ding, ding. We have a winner in the scandal department!

Those damned silhouettes

What's Mallard raving about today?

Veterans.

I don't know why, but I'm a bit creeped out by the silhouette form of Mallard creator Bruce Tinsley. Of course, I am also creeped out whenever The Family Circus breaks down that fourth wall and admits to letting Billy (or Jeffy) pen today's panel. So maybe I'm just weird.

Anyway, I'm just glad we're off the dog topic.

That damned Terrier-Poodle Mix

What's Mallard raving about today?

Dogs.

While Mallard is protecting pound puppies, whose gonna step in and protect this dead horse he won't stop beating?

That damned Chet

What's Mallard raving about today?

Sterilization of people with whom he disagrees, Dogs.

If Mallard cares as much about people as he does about dogs, we should be in for a series of panels regarding the President's heartless veto of S-CHIP. Anyone taking bets on whether that happens or not?

The truly remarkable thing about this week is that Mallard manages to espouse a worthwhile issue and, through sanctimony and vitriol, still come off as an intolerant asshat.

That damned dog smell

What's Mallard raving about today?

Designer dogs.

"Why would anyone buy an expensive 'designer dog' when you could get one....from a shelter and save its life?"

Because this is America, Mallard. And here in America, people are entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness no matter what a sanctimonious waterfowl thinks of their choices.

Why do you hate America so much?

That damned Labrabeagaschnoodle

What's Mallard raving about today?

Dogs.

In today's cleverly disguised diatribe against miscegenation, Mallard manages to prove that not only is he a bigot, but that he can't count.

By my calculation, a Labrabeagaschnoodle would be a mixture of a Labrador, Beagle, Schnauzer, and Poodle...4 breeds. Even if we were to be generous and assume there was a Golden Lab, Black Lab, Schnauzer, Miniature Schnauzer, Poodle, and a Toy Poodle involved in this orgy, that still only brings us to 7 breeds.

That damned Puggle

What's Mallard raving about today?

Dogs, I think.

Looks like Mallard's Dissociative Break period is going to continue for a while. I have no actual idea what the hell he's going on about today.

That damned Peyton Manning

What's Mallard raving about today?

Peyton Manning, email.

Mallard, if your audience is too stupid to have successfully managed the email switch, that should tell you something...

Oh my God! What the hell happened to Peyton Manning's neck?

That damned Hitler

What's Mallard raving about today?

Elvis, Cow graduates, Al Gore, Two-headed babies, Hitler, Stalin, Columbia University.

The attempt by NeoConservatives over the last 6 years to paint anyone they do not like as Hitler-esque (and, by extension, paint anyone who does not agree with them as Chamberlain-esque) has begun to reach comical proportions in real life; it's appearance in comics form by water-carrier Mallard should hardly be a surprise.

This mode of argument is offensive insofar as it trivializes Hitler. But it demonstrates the inability to win one's argument based on facts rather than resorting to fear mongering. If one had the intellectual capacity to actually explain why Iran is a serious threat to world stability, one would not resort to absurd comparisons whose only purpose is to create a fear which stifles rational thought.

It's par for the course for Mallard, who is just a bigoted, intellectually lazy, cartoon duck. But the use of this rhetorical abomination by the current President and Vice President on an almost weekly basis demeans the office of which they are only the current stewards.

All of which rightfully overshadows the absolute idiocy of the panel itself. For example, that mortal enemies Stalin and Hitler are gay lovers. Or the fact that Mallard's inability to construct coherent English had me wondering why he was suggesting that Cow Graduates from Harvard, Al Gore, and a Two-Headed Baby were not still alive. Or what the hell all these supermarket tabloid stories have to do with anything at all.

Those damned Sasquatch

What's Mallard raving about today?

Sasquatch, Beef Jerky.

I have absolutely no idea what the hell Mallard is talking about. But I would say this tends to prove my point that, for a guy who constantly moans about the Entertainment Elite, Mallard watches way too much TV.

That damned pill

What's Mallard raving about today?

I have no freaking idea.

Isn't the whole over-medicating-kids-with-Ritalin thing from, like, the late-90's? Where's my asterisk so I know why this rant now?

That damned Al Gore

What's Mallard raving about today?

Mars, Al Gore, Global Warming, Yasser Arafat.

As if this kitchen sink screed were not enough to stand on its own, I really appreciate the fact that Mallard misspelled Yasser Arafat for our amusement.