That damned sob

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hillary Clinton.

You know, I am beginning to suspect Mallard may not like Senator Clinton.

That damned New Car

What's Mallard raving about today?

Change, Cars, Candidates.

This panel pretty much sums up exactly what's wrong with Mallard in general (as opposed to what's wrong with him in an ultra-partisan way).

If you're going to allow yourself to get all riled up about things as predictable as Presidential Candidates calling for change you'll spend your entire life cursing the darkness and turn yourself into a humorless, bottomless pit of impotent rage.

Which is about as good a description of Mallard as I can come up with.

That damned change

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, change.

Since when is inconsistency of message desirable on the campaign trail?

Besides if anyone needs to change their stump speech, it's Rudy "noun-verb-9/11" Giuliani.

That damned Cowan

What's Mallard raving about today?

Objectivity, NBC, Barack Obama.

For example, Chris Matthews was fired for saying this...

You know, Mayor, for months now, I think I've been one of the troubadours for you out there in terms of your prospects. I have always seen the Giuliani advantage in a party that treasures leadership.

Right?

Those damned administrators

What's Mallard raving about today?

Steak knives, School Administrators.

Nothing like taking a single isolated incident and blowing it up into some sort of trend to make whatever point you want to make, is there?

Beside, you're missing the obvious point. If other kids had the ability to carry concealed steak knives, this kind of thing would not be a problem.

Note: It's just Mallard's luck that a Google search for this incident turns up a news story with a link at the bottom to a different story in which a 7-year-old girl was accused of threatening someone with a knife.

Those damned natural disasters

What's Mallard raving about today?

Rehab, Celebrities, Natural Disasters.

Oh, please! Natural disasters are simply a liberal conspiracy.

Everyone knows earthquakes are caused by Evil Sun. Cow farts are exclusively responsible for mudslides. Floods would not happen if the Chinese didn't eat dogs. And forest fires could be prevented if we replaced the BCS with a playoff.

That damned sag

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Media, Sagginess, Britney, Lindsay, Paris.

I am trying very hard to convince myself that the ratings are getting "saggy" despite the complete lack of textual evidence to support that interpretation.

The alternatives are too horrible to contemplate.

That damned barf-cam

What's Mallard raving about today?

Britney Spears, The Media

Doesn't Mallard realize that depicting himself sitting inches from the TV watching Britney news without changing the channel is not so much an indictment of The Media as it is an indictment of him personally and an indication of just how much he is to blame for the situation?

I know...stupid question.

That damned Lohan

What's Mallard raving about today?

Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Barack Obama, John McCain

Brave, brave Mallard. Daring to expose the media's obsession with celebrity.

One does have to wonder, however, if the media's obsession caters to obese waterfowl who plop themselves in gray blobs of furniture, eat snack foods in unlabeled purple boxes, and spend every waking moment watching TV.

Those damned groans

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Media, Hillary Clinton.

It's tempting to point to the manner in which the lag between Iowa and New Hampshire makes Mallard look like an idiot.

I prefer, however, to point to the manner in which he insinuates that the media are fans of Clinton as a better example of something which makes Mallard look like an idiot.

Not that pointing to things which make Mallard look like an idiot takes much effort, of course...

That damned inevitability

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton.

I don't have time to do the math for real, but let's assume this was drawn sometime between Iowa's caucus and the New Hampshire primary.

If it weren't for the fact that his campaign is struggling to reach single percentage points, I'd be looking forward to equally unhilarious and sanctimonious Mallard-style infidelity commentary applied to Rudy of the multiple marriages.

That damned word

What's Mallard raving about today?

Assimilation.

Straw Man-fearing folk like Mallard are terrified that immigrants who refuse to "assimilate" will eventually destroy America, presumably through the overwhelming economic might generated by minimum wage jobs.

Personally, I'd be much more afraid that this pissed off Statue of Liberty is going to rip herself loose from her pedestal and go on a rampage which will destroy America.

(Of course, it's unclear in what way immigrants are not assimilating, although I suppose not learning English rapidly enough to suit Mallard's dainty sensibilities is a good guess.)

Those damned women

What's Mallard raving about today?

Women.

Mallard feels people who are able to be happy for others are "weird."

Yup, that seems to cover it.

That damned thinking

What's Mallard raving about today?

Global Warming, Thinking

Atta boy, Mallard! We wouldn't want people just accepting scientific fact, now would we?

Much better to reflexively question science that doesn't fit into your narrow world view, despite lacking any qualifications for scientific analysis.

From now on, I reject ridiculous ideas about the existence of gravity. Hell, I can't even see it so how could it exist?

That damned truth

What's Mallard raving about today?

Global Warming, Al Gore, An Inconvenient Truth.

Since I don't feel like wasting another day pointing out the growing desperation of Mallard's attempts to refute Science, I have to ask...wouldn't the sacred words have been revealed by Al Gore in An Inconvenient Truth?

That damned liberal

What's Mallard raving about today?

Straw men, Liberals, Global Warming.

If you find the time to read through all this text, and can remain awake the whole time, you may be interested to find this buried this gem: Liberal Straw Man believes global warming is "all man-made".

Mallard, when you need to engage in blatant falsehood to make your point you haven't got a valid point.

That damned enhancer

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Media, Racism.

Without granting Mallard's asterisk-less claim about how racist the Media "says" America is, it is precisely because people like Mitt Romney cannot point to anything in their history which shows sensitivity toward racial issues that they trot out claims regarding Dr. King, which turn out to be false, to establish their Civil Rights bona fides.

I must say, I enjoy it when Mallard argues something which proves the exact opposite point he is trying to make.

That damned technology

What's Mallard raving about today?

Technology, India.

It would help if you weren't such an idiot that you believe everything salespeople at technology stores tell you.

Also, if you stay off certain...*ahem*...types of sites, you can limit your exposure to spyware.

Those damned things

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Postal Service, Immigrants, College, Reality TV.

In case one, a square surcharge has been around since 1979, because sorting machines are not made for square envelopes. So I would say Mallard is more than "late" with this prediction.

In case two, given Mallard's hatred of and contempt for higher education, why does he care?

In case three, let me introduce you to a few features of your television, Mallard. The first is called a channel-changer. It can be used to change what you are watching; it's how I avoid Fox "News" for example. The second feature is called an off switch. It can be used to shut the TV off entirely. Heresy, I know, but it is another option.

Those damned scientists

What's Mallard raving about today?

Global Warming, Scientists.

400 scientists, none of which are doing their research for, say, an oil company or the AEI.

At any rate, this seems like an interesting time to mention that in the year 2001, the Flat Earth Society had approximately 3,000 members.

That damned asteroid

What's Mallard raving about today?

Asteroids, Al Gore.

The San Jose Mercury News publishes a story about scientists eagerly awaiting the possible crash of a huge asteroid into Mars....* while Mallard Fillmore looks frantically for a way to link the story to Al Gore.

* Mallard Fillmore

Those damned gills

What's Mallard raving about today?

Negative campaigns, evolution.

I am not sure if Mallard believes in evolution and without that knowledge have no idea exactly how to read today's panel.

In any case, it ain't funny.

Update: Ooops! comic now linked.

That damned staff

What's Mallard raving about today?

Negative campaigning.

For a duck who spends at least 6 days a week attacking people, Mallard is certainly dainty about negative campaigns.

Those damned football champs

What's Mallard raving about today?

New Hampshire, College Football.

I admit I don't follow College Football, but I'd no idea they pick their champions through a lengthy primary process culminating in a national election for members of an Electoral College who, ultimately, decide upon the National Champion.

You'd think I would have heard about something like that.

That damned Dag

What's Mallard raving about today?

Campaigning, Liberals.

Dag, interestingly, is using a saying which post dates his existence. Which means, apart from being a tax-loving Liberal, he is also a time-traveler or a prophet.

Apart from that, Mallard continues to display the nuanced perceptions of a rather dull dog.

That damned pig

What's Mallard raving about today?

Congress, Republicans, College Football, Flying Pigs.

If, in Mallard's little fantasy world, "pigs can fly" why would Mallard need to be able to "land" it? Wouldn't he just have to hang on while the pig, you know, flew?

Once again demonstrating that Mallard's limited grasp of the English language is the basis for his hatred toward Education.

On the plus side...the back of Walter Williams' head makes a cameo. Unless that's Alan Keyes. Or Barack Obama?

Those damned hurricanes

What's Mallard raving about today?

Global Warming, Hurricanes, Scientists.

Why don't these egghead scientists just go outside and notice how cold it is today. That would stop them from bitching about global warming!

That damned REM Sleep

What's Mallard raving about today?

Gift returns, sleep.

The fact that Mallard puts quotation marks around the word "returns" is hard evidence that he either does not understand punctuation or that he is such a bitter, complaining curmudgeon that he's even venting bile into his punctuation.

Either way, I never want to be subjected to one of his dreams again.

Those damned returns

What's Mallard raving about today?

Returning gifts.

In point of fact, the person who coined the phrase said "Many happy returns of the day" and would think you are an idiot.

Apparently Mallard got a bunch of crappy gifts for Christmas.

That damned Romney

What's Mallard raving about today?

Mitt Romney, Reporters.

Republicans have made religion a central issue in this election, and in every election since 2000.

But, Mallard wants to make sure the ground rules are understood. It's not OK for reporters to ask questions about religion. Presumably, this will not interfere with their stenographic duties as it relates to reporting what Republicans want them to say about it.

That damned past

What's Mallard raving about today?

Oprah, Hillary Clinton.

You mean to say that people may make claims regarding aspects of someone's past in order to benefit a candidate? And that surrogates will makes these attacks so the candidate is not personally involved?

Heaven forfend. How will Democracy survive?

This would smack of hypocrisy, except I am sure we all remember Mallard's full-throated denouncement of the Swift Boat Veterans, right? Right?