That damned Obamateur

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama

By tomorrow, Mallard will have dropped all pretense to being anything other than an echo chamber for Right Wing talking points and will, like the scene in The Shining, plaster the words "Gun Nut" "Bitter Religious Zealot" and "Typical White Person" over the entire panel.

It will still be funnier than this.

Those damned Gun Nuts

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama

Man, what bad timing. Obama's "friend" Charlton Heston recently died.

Those damned Small Towns

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama

One might be tempted to say that Barack Obama committed an unpardonable sin when he phrased something in a manner which the Right Wing Noise Machine could easily take out of context and use against him.

But, in reality, it simply does not matter as they can twist anything to suit their needs. Were Francis of Assisi to run for President as a Democrat, Republicans would accuse him of bestiality.

A week of Mallard's sanctimony on his topic, given that Mallard routinely insults "Average Americans," will be pretty much more than I can bear, so you'll have to cut me some slack.

That damned pie

What's Mallard raving about today?

Campaign Platforms, Pie.

I'm confused. That drawing actually looks like a pie. What happened?

Those damned Education Professionals

What's Mallard raving about today?

Education.

Anti-education?

No.

Chicken Little, perhaps.

What else to call a hysterical waterfowl making a mountain out of what is, by the admission of even the proponents ("'We generally agree that this is not hugely consequential,' board chairman Paul Reville said. 'It's a symbolic action.'"), a molehill?

Or a waterfowl bemoaning persecution for opposing the idea when at least half the article on which this panel is based is dismissive.

Those damned Olympics

What's Mallard raving about today?

China.

While I tend to agree with Mallard about China and the Olympics, I do believe these kinds of discussions are possible without running afoul of Godwin's Law. Though, I suppose not when dealing with an intellect like Mallard.

That damned metaphor

What's Mallard raving about today?

CFL, Barack Obama.

The CFL is an almost perfect metaphor for Barack Obama, I agree...imperfect, but better than most of the alternatives and representing a step in the right direction.

Mallard's criticism of the CFL is also pathetically metaphoric of his own criticism of Obama. It takes items out of context to score cheap points: While what he says is true, more mercury is produced by burning coal to create electricity for non-CFLs than by broken CFLs. And it ignores key facts: the next generation of CFLs are already becoming available and lower the amount of mercury.

His claim that the media treat Obama better than the other candidates is ill-timed at best and a bald-faced lie at worst.

Also: writing a lengthy screed and drawing a CFL, three times, cannot possibly count as professional cartooning.

That damned Earth Day

What's Mallard raving about today?

Earth Day.

Mallard creates a doozy of an Earth Day Straw Man today. Damn Liberal Environmentalists in my head with their imagined massive rallies that create garbage! So hypocritical!

Those damned jokes

What's Mallard raving about today?

Jokes, Barack Obama.

Mallard is a bitter crank who has given up all hope and mocks anyone who dares to have any hope themselves.

Sounds about right.

That damned baby

What's Mallard raving about today?

Racism, babies, Barack Obama.

Everyone see how this works now? It's sure going to cut down on the need for Mallard to do anything but cut and paste for the next 8 months...

A group of men said they were hurt when Senator Obama described their efforts as an "improbable experiment in democracy." This just in: groups of men accused of racism.

Those damned teachers

What's Mallard raving about today?

Teachers, Straw Men.

Uhhhh, Mallard...you understand that your taxes are going to have to pay for those increased salaries, right? Right?

That damned Daytime TV

What's Mallard raving about today?

Television.

An obvious nominee for next year's Creepiest Unintentional Self-Revelation award, it appears that Mallard spends all day and night in front of his television. And yet still manages to complain about television with no hint of irony.

That damned criticism

What's Mallard raving about today?

John McCain, Democrats

Perhaps mixing some bran into Old Man McCain's diet might help with this particular...ahem...problem?

That damned McCain

What's Mallard raving about today?

John McCain, Democrats.

I would say that this is going to be long election season for Mallard, given his hatred for all 3 candidates. Given the fact that Mallard seems to metabolize his own hatred and bile the way the rest of us metabolize sugar, perhaps he will just grow stronger.

That damned Introduction

What's Mallard raving about today?

Taxes, people.

Apparently today's panel was supposed to be a spoof of some sport on MasterCard commercials. It was cleverly disguised.

Those damned "some people"

What's Mallard raving about today?

Taxes, Straw Men.

Those God damned "some people," chief enablers the Right Wing echo chamber for the past decade or more. If only these "some people" wouldn't say such outlandish things, the Right Wing would have nothing to attack! If only someone, someday would tell us who these "some people" are...

I will, by contrast, grant that some people believe in fiscal responsibility and paying for what you spend. The bad news: one of them is not the President and another is running for President.

That damned Straw Man

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, taxes.

A Straw Man extraordinaire today! Nothing really needs be said about something so blatantly disingenuous as this, but don't let that stop any commenters from having a go.

Those damned Tax Facts

What's Mallard raving about today?

Taxes.

The rise in the price of gas is driving food and clothing prices up and the collapse of the housing market is keeping housing prices flat. So maybe there's a glimmer of hope that Bush's disastrous policies can bring things back into line.

That said by Mallard's logic, we should try reducing our taxes to 0%. By Mallard's logic that would solve everything. In which case Mallard and his ilk can personally pay for the Iraq War out of their own pockets.

That damned Typicalness

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, Racism.

Sometimes it seems like Mallard just stuffs whatever panels he has lying about into an envelope and sends them off to his editor, but never indicates on what day it should run. How else to explain the fact that Mallard started on this topic on April 7, then abandoned it for two days so he could complain (among other things) about taxes on April 10, only to return to it for no other apparent reason today?

I am not even going to offer an explanation for why Mallard thinks Obama's campaign is run by a Vegas lounge singer.

That damned UN

What's Mallard raving about today?

The UN, Senators Clinton & Obama.

What kind of sick fetish caused Mallard to visualize a fight between Clinton and Obama like that? Clinton as a pant-suited lion who appears to be attempting to scratch the eyes out of an otherwise faceless Obama. Or mate with him.

Oh, and Mallard hates pretty much everything. Clear?

Meta-Post: The Golden Ellipses

AFter two months of voting, here's a recap of the 2008 Golden Ellipses:

• Limbaugh Award for Best Regurgitation of Talking Points - Global Warming is a Scientific Controversy!
• Worst Rhyme Scheme - Bill Loves Hillary
• Creepiest Unintentional Self-Revelation - Dust Angels
• Most Interminable Series - Drafting Walter Williams
• Most Disturbing Image - Peyton Manning's Neck
• Least Helpful Asterisk - 6-in-one
• Creativity in Cartooning (Highest Text-to-Image Ratio) -
  Can't Even be Bothered to Draw Mallard's Body
• Most Mystifying Panel - The Golden Flash
• Strangest Animal - Wooly Mammoth (with Penis Trunk) and ROUSS?
• Flimsiest Premise - Stephen Colbert is not Funny
• The IOKIYAR Award for Brazenness or Hypocrisy - Larry Craig Schmairy Craig
• Most Violent Assault on the English Language - Abortion Pun
• Least Accurate Caricature - Al Gore or a Lean-To?
• Achievement in Oversimplification or Willful Ignorance - No, I didn't read the article, why?
• Ray Bolger Award for Invention in Straw Men - Straw Liberals Want to Help Terrorists

Golden Ellipses: Ray Bolger Award for Invention in Straw Men

And the winner is...

Straw Liberals Want to Help Terrorists

In our final category, Ray Bolger Award for Invention in Straw Men, we have the final Nominees:

• Straw Liberal Doesn't Understand Conservatives (14%)
  
• Straw Harry Reid Surrenders (10%)
  
• Straw Liberals Want to Help Terrorists (51%)
  
• Straw Jesse Jackson Cries "Racism" (14%)
  
• Straw Hillary Asks for Your Vote (11%)
  

That damned cover letter

What's Mallard raving about today?

Taxes.

Cover letter, eh? Anyone surprised that Mallard has not yet discovered e-filing?

Anyone surprised he's a bitter, incoherent crank with an inflated sense of his own cleverness?

Not a damned Photo

What's Mallard raving about today?

Hillary Clinton.

I refuse to comment because this is a caricature of Hillary Clinton and not a photo.

That damned Race

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, Racism.

We will know, in just under two weeks, whether Mallard is actually serious about this topic or whether he's just a partisan sack of crap frightened by the growing realization that Barack Obama may very well be the next President.

When he chooses to comment or not to comment on this statement from Chris Matthews about Obama, we'll know: "Let me ask you about how he — how’s he connect with regular people? Does he? Or does he only appeal to people who come from the African-American community and from the people who have college or advanced degrees?" (emphasis mine)

Anyone care to give odds on which it is?

That damned Typical Person

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, Racism.

Obama came out immediately and clarified the remark. So Mallard's entire construct, that the comment was OK for Obama, is patently untrue, a fact that will shock absolutely no one reading this blog.

The more salient point which Mallard underscores in gigantic felt-tipped pen is that, not surprisingly but disappointingly, the entirety of the Right Wing Water Carrier Group, for which Mallard is an empty-headed echo chamber, heard Obama's speech on race and said to themselves "We like politics that breeds division, and conflict, and cynicism."

For we have a choice in this country. We can accept a politics that breeds division, and conflict, and cynicism. We can tackle race only as spectacle -- as we did in the O.J. trial -- or in the wake of tragedy, as we did in the aftermath of Katrina -- or as fodder for the nightly news.

We can play Rev. Wright's sermons on every channel, every day and talk about them from now until the election, and make the only question in this campaign whether or not the American people think that I somehow believe or sympathize with his most offensive words.

We can pounce on some gaffe by a Hillary supporter as evidence that she's playing the race card, or we can speculate on whether white men will all flock to John McCain in the general election regardless of his policies.

We can do that.

But if we do, I can tell you that in the next election, we'll be talking about some other distraction. And then another one. And then another one. And nothing will change.

That is one option. Or, at this moment, in this election, we can come together and say, "Not this time." This time we want to talk about the crumbling schools that are stealing the future of black children and white children and Asian children and Hispanic children and Native American children.

This time we want to reject the cynicism that tells us that these kids can't learn; that those kids who don't look like us are somebody else's problem. The children of America are not those kids, they are our kids, and we will not let them fall behind in a 21st Century economy. Not this time.

This time we want to talk about how the lines in the emergency room are filled with whites and blacks and Hispanics who do not have health care, who don't have the power on their own to overcome the special interests in Washington, but who can take them on if we do it together.

This time we want to talk about the shuttered mills that once provided a decent life for men and women of every race, and the homes for sale that once belonged to Americans from every religion, every region, every walk of life.

This time we want to talk about the fact that the real problem is not that someone who doesn't look like you might take your job; it's that the corporation you work for will ship it overseas for nothing more than a profit.

This time we want to talk about the men and women of every color and creed who serve together, and fight together, and bleed together under the same proud flag.

We want to talk about how to bring them home from a war that never should've been authorized and never should've been waged, and we want to talk about how we'll show our patriotism by caring for them, and their families, and giving them the benefits they have earned.

That damned Earl

What's Mallard raving about today?

The Writer's Strike, America.

You hear that America? Mallard Fillmore is accusing you of watching too much television.

In actual fact, however, it seems the writer's strike affected Mallard more than just about anyone I know.

Those damned current events

What's Mallard raving about today?

Americans, Elliot Spitzer.

I'm sorry...how does Elliot Spitzer's resignation not count as a current event? (At least at the time that Mallard wrote this.)

That damned Obama

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, racism.

Less than a month ago, John McCain was being portrayed by Mallard as a closet Democrat. Suddenly, John McCain plays the part of long suffering Saint to Big Bad Obama's cries of racism.

I'm shocked at the turnaround. I'm less shocked by the fact that this may be the most delusional Mallard Straw Man ever.

That damned high road

What's Mallard raving about today?

Barack Obama, Racism

Can anyone name a black person, other than Walter Williams, who has appeared in Mallard Fillmore but whose defining feature is not decrying everything around them as racism?

One gets the feeling that Mallard hears charges of racism a lot in his daily life. Those charges of racism, however, appear to be everyone else's fault.

Golden Ellipses: Achievement in Oversimplification or Willful Ignorance

And the winner is...

No, I didn't read the article, why?

In the category of "Achievement in Oversimplification or Willful Ignorance" we have the following nominees:

• Immigration for Dummies
  (13%)
• No, I didn't read the article, why? (42%)
• Facts are Inconvenient (11%)
• Regressive Taxes Are Teh Bomb (4%)
• And the current Occupant's qualifications are? (29%)

Those damned issues

What's Mallard raving about today?

Senator Barack Obama, Issues, Divisive Rhetoric.

You can see where Mallard is coming from.

After all, if Barack Obama were to raise the level of discourse out of the sewer it would threaten Mallard's livlihood.

That damned Media

What's Mallard raving about today?

Senator Barack Obama, The Media.

April Fool, indeed. I am looking at a fool right now. (And I am not talking about Reverend Jeremiah Wright.)