That damned Tree

What's Mallard raving about today?

Trees, President Obama, The Media.

In the wake of the Shirley Sherrod fiasco, Mallard timing make him look like an idiot...more than usual.

That damned Program

What's Mallard raving about today?

BP's Oil Disaster, The Media, President Obama

Because all that really matters, no matter what the situation, is whether the Media are sufficiently pimping Mallard pre-conceived view of the world. As if that were even possible.

That damned Mexican

What's Mallard raving about today?

Arizona, Immigration, Mexicans.

Mallard's head is going to explode in a couple of weeks when he gets to today's ruling. I expect to see blood pouring from his ears this time 2 weeks from now.

Please keep up this line of attack. I think there are a few Latinos still considering voting Republican.

That damned Percentage

What's Mallard raving about today?

Arizona

By tomorrow, it will be 75%.

But no matter how high Mallard decides to make this go, it doesn't change the fact that majority support does not actually mean something is right.

Those damned Americans

What's Mallard raving about today?

Arizona, Americans, President Obama.

Because if history teaches us anything, it's that something or someone supported by a majority of a population can't possibly be wrong.

Those damned Stories

What's Mallard raving about today?

Racism, The Media.

Stories is right.

Fox are liars.

Mallard repeats lies.

That damned Spear

What's Mallard raving about today?

Bears, Cavemen.

Mallard, please give me one concrete example where this actually happened.

Until then, I will assume you are, quite literally, afraid of ravenous bears.

That damned Attempt

What's Mallard raving about today?

Speech.

Mallard Fillmore: Totally against speech codes on campus prohibiting Hate Speech. Totally for speech codes at work prohibiting stuff that annoys him.

That damned Circle

What's Mallard raving about today?

Text Slang.

Yeah, you jerks. The speech police have spoken.

But, I want to make sure that SNAFU, ASAP, FYI and other acronyms that joined the language as words from letter writing or Email composition are totally OK. Right?

That damned Curling

What's Mallard raving about today?

Soccer, Curling.

You mean, another sport growing in popularity?

Why do newspapers give a forum for a bitter waterfowl to piss and moan every day?

That damned Paste

What's Mallard raving about today?

Soccer, Paste.

The Right Wing in a nutshell: If I say something often enough, whether it is true or not, we can convince like-minded simpletons it's true.

As someone once said, it's like they take pride in being ignorant.

That damned Myth

What's Mallard raving about today?

Soccer.

28.2 Million Americans watched Game 7 of the NBA Finals.

24.3 Million Americans watched the World Cup Final. Of course, 8.8 Million of those watched on Univision, so they don't count.

Those damned Swords

What's Mallard raving about today?

Soccer.

I think there are many valid reasons why Americans don't connect with soccer as much as the rest of the world. That said, today's Mallard Fillmore has none of that. Instead, it just highlights two facts that are (as always) true:

• By any objective measure America's interest in soccer is growing rapidly. But Mallard Fillmore can't be bothered with facts when he can make sweeping comments based solely on his own prejudices.
• Mallard Fillmore is really disturbing. Swords? Seriously? You want gladiatorial fights to come back into vogue?

That damned Word

What's Mallard raving about today?

Racism, Hatred.

Nice timing, as always.

That damned Rating

What's Mallard raving about today?

Television, Vampires.

Shorter Mallard Fillmore: Turning of the TV is too hard.

That damned Trend

What's Mallard Fillmore raving about today?

Vampires, Congress.

Stoop?

Mallard, hate to tell you this, but you'd have to look up to see cheap adolescent trends.

Those damned Vampires

What's Mallard raving about today?

Vampires, TV.

After 3 years it should not surprise me. But I admit I am always astonished by panels like todays which serve to remind that Mallard Fillmore is literally a guy just writing down whatever gripe is bugging him that day, with the implicit assumption this it's bugging everyone else equally.

It doesn't matter how venal, how parochial, or how nonsensical the whinge.

That damned Outrage

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama.

Mallard Fillmore has sex with goats.

I defy anyone to explain how the statement above is any different from today's Mallard Fillmore.

That damned Gaffe

What's Mallard raving about today?

Vice President Biden, President Obama.

I'll take Joe Biden over having inherited President Bush's actual Vice President any day.

That damned Leader

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, Toughness.

Having been saddled with two wars, Mallard Fillmore simply can't believe President Obama hasn't yet found time to invade a third, possible even a fourth country. Because that would have been awesome!

But don't you dare spend any money to help the unemployed!

Those damned Pseudo-Intellectuals

What's Mallard raving about today?

Pseudo-intellectuals, tolerance.

It's so sad that the NASCAR and Christian communities, neither of which have a history of intolerance towards others races and religions, are subjected to being looked askance at. How ever will they survive?

As for the lawn ornament community, what could any reasonable person possibly object to?

Those damned Dates

What's Mallard raving about today?

Cats, Dates.

Yeah, we're over the edge into Creepiest Unintentional Self-Revelation now.

That damned Cat

What's Mallard raving about today?

Cats, Dogs.

Cats don't meet with Mallard's approval and are therefore to be reviled and mocked.

If that isn't a metaphor for Mallard Fillmore in general, I don't know what is.

That damned Law

What's Mallard raving about today?

Liberals, Dogs.

You know how I know liberals want laws forcing you to get an animal-shelter dog?

Because Democrats are liberals. And with Democrats in control of both the Legislative and Executive branches of Government, they've already passed this law!

See? What Straw Man?

That damned Dog

What's Mallard raving about today?

Dogs, The Media.

As a lifelong owner and trainer of Border Collies, let me say that any of my dogs could be trained to do a better job at whatever the hell Mallard is supposed to do for a living.

That damned Workplace

What's Mallard raving about today?

Progressives, Pets, The Workplace

Because Progressives are well-known for their hatred of Labor.

Honestly, has mallard lost what was left of his mind?

That damned Experience

What's Mallard raving about today?

President Obama, The Military.

Their "military" experience (mostly dodging military service) didn't help President Bush and Vice President Cheney, whose every military endeavor turned to shit.

Can I just add how detestable Right Wing sanctimony about their Military fetishism is?

That damned Flag

What's Mallard raving about today?

The American Flag.

Normally I give Mallard a pass on holidays out of respect for the holiday itself, however...

King George was the Effete Elitist of the American revolution?

Seriously, man...we were the Effete Elitists. And the Liberals. And we kicked their assess because we were the agents of change in a world dominated by Oligarchs.

You conservatives were the Tories and Royalists who supported King George.

That damned Demographic

What's Mallard raving about today?

Television, Technology, Bar Fights.

We're edging close to Creepiest Unintentional Self-Revelation territory...except that there's very little here we didn't already know.

Mallard Fillmore doesn't understand that he's nearly alone in the way he thinks, does he?

That damned Feature Film

What's Mallard raving about today?

Movies, Books, Video Games.

Which is fine, since Mallard doesn't read books (because they are elitist) or play video games (because he's a luddite).

That damned TV

What's Mallard raving about today?

Technology, Television.

Mallard Fillmore...Luddite and proud of it.