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Wednesday, November 10, 2010

That damned Quakebuttock

What's Mallard raving about today?

Juan Williams.

I'm pretty sure we have our 2010 "Worst Metaphor" winner here. Seriously? Fear of people "dressed like Muslims" is the same as Mallard being afraid of Ice Cream because he's lactose intolerant?

I'm not even going to ask the question of why precisely he's afraid of Ice Cream in this little metaphor.

I am, however, going to point out that "Quakebottom" establishes that Mallard is less clever than your average 4 year old.


Faster, Harder, More Challenging GeoX said...

Ice cream? Lactose...guh? If Tinsley were smarter, I'd think he was trying to do some sorta Dada thing. As it is...well, who can say?

Tog said...

Because being physically incompatible with a food is exactly the same as asserting that everyone who's "different" is out to kill you.

As for me, I'd like to know how Mallard's ice cream phobia even came up in televised conversation; that's more of an Oprah topic, except that no one gives a damn.

Nor does Batshit delve into why Mallard would be on Bill O's screechfest anyway. Exactly what has Mallard--as a character--done, ever, to merit even that subsewer level of media attention? Has he put his name on a book of someone else's wrong-wing historical revisions or eliminationist rhetoric? Or was he offering tips on splaying one's crotch at the television for hours at a time?

Oh well, I suppose you can't play conspiracy victim without first believing you're worth the trouble. I suppose Mallard will get a "reload" support tweet from Flailin' Failin' Palin shortly...because, you know, he's so significant. (And racists get her hot.)

...Oh my God, Mallard's going to blog. He's going to once again venture into territory Doonesbury conquered years ago, only with all the smug and wildly-overconfident pig ignorance we've come to expect from Batshit. There'll be even less "art," even more text, and a lot more crotch-splaying. Buckle up, it's gonna be a wild ride.

ajm said...

Jerry Seinfeld did a "lactose intolerant" bit years and years ago which was actually, y'know, FUNNY.

Rootbeer said...

Cowards like Bruce Tinsley can't help their intolerance; there's something wrong with them deep in their bowels, and it's the cause of their noxious output.

Also, how come you never hear about any of the MODERATE milk sugars refudiating the extremists in their midst?

Bill the Splut said...

Even Oh'Really is nodding off during this yawnfest.

dlauthor said...

Man, his Bill O'Reilly looks nothing like the real guy. Tinshley's DTs are so bad now that he can't even draw representative pictures of people he admires.

It's just sad.

And c'mon, Bruce, just come out and say you soil yourself at the sight of brown people. It's not like it's some massive secret.

Toots McGee said...

Can somebody explain "quakebuttock" to me?

Toots McGee said...

Nevermind. I remembered how to google.

rewinn said...

Muslims Are Ice Cream!!!

Don't you GET IT?

That's why they don't get along with Hindus. And they aren't kosher ice cream either, which explains the thing about Isreal!!

And they CAN'T be assimilated into American society because because "Lactase" is not in our Constitution!!!!!!!!

Frank Stone said...

You know, it's pretty clear that "Mallard Fillmore" is Bruce Tinsley's Mary Sue fan fiction, with Mallard being Bruce's cartoon alter ego. But I don't think he understands how Mary Sue fan fiction is supposed to work. See, the protagonist is supposed to be a SUPERIOR, IDEALIZED version of the author; he or she is not supposed to be the same pathetic, whiny loser that the author is in real life.

deepbeep said...

Worst metaphor ever, unless 99.99999999% of milk on Earth was Lactaid.

Ming the Merciless is guest hosting the O'Reilly Factor? After the commercial break I think we can expect to see Alan Colmes dropped onto a rotating spiked platform.

Tinsley: Sociopath said...

Mallard Fillmore is a Mary Sue: It has an I.Q. of five, the beliefs of a Neo-Nazi, and a sociopathic disregard for everything that anyone would consider good, but it is far better than Tinsley.

Some thoughts on this cartoon:

* Tinsley spelled bigoted correctly--not because he learned, he has no capacity to learn, but because of a typo.
* Tinsley is trying to mock guys who lose their jobs, but because he has two brain cells, the result sounds more like a condemnation of the bosses who fire them.
* Tinsley is hauling out the usual "racism is imaginary, it is no worse than complaining about ice cream; everyone who is different from me is an extreme racist, but I am not a racist; my racism is okay, because they are niggers" excuse. This is further proof that he is worse than his monstrous character.
* Bill O'Reilly is a terrible man, but he managed to write a book, whereas Tinsley cannot construct a coherent sentence.
* My ass regularly quakes in fear that the mildest of Tinsley's beliefs will be implemented, and the world be turned into an apocalyptic hellhole with death squads slowly killing the few survivors.
* Tinsley is everything-genocidal, but does not have the power to kill everyone.

Factinista said...

Frank Stone-

You forgot one major difference between Mallard and Tinsley. Mallard can actually win arguments, by virtue of living in a world populated by strawmen.

Ducky is Right said...


Grandeur much, Ducks? O'Reilly is now a second-rate foxy, and he still won't give you the time of day.

Mallard equates these too things, because Mallard is stupid.

Kaitlyn said...

I keep reading "quakebottom" as "quarterback."

It doesn't make sense, but then again, nothing does.

I'm going to have some ice cream.

exanonymous said...

Yes, because Muslims contain violence as naturally as ice cream contains lactose.

In fact, I am SHOCKED that no airplanes are dropping out of the sky as I type. I am so disappointed. Thanks for ruining a good fear-mongering stereotype, peaceful Muslims majority.